Yep. And different countries tend to handle psychiatry differently because it is NOT an exact science.
But more and more research is going up and they know sooooooooooo much more now than they used to. I have lots of hope that it will keep getting better. It is possible to live a good life with both a serious mental illness and neurological differences (I have both) and in the past it was not.
One day this will probably come down to scientific ways of diagnosing. Maybe even genetic testing.
Rather than labeling...Suzir (thank you, Suz) got me off the narcissistic table because she's right. Everyone calls everyone they don't like a narc. I prefer dysfunctional behavior in the family, not otherwise specified. I don't know for sure what was wrong when I was growing up. A bunch of people who had no idea how to be in a family were in a family. I can't diagnose it, but it started before I was born. Lots of secrets. Strange secrets. No stories about the family tree from grandma and grandpa. My friends would tell me that their grandparents had these great stories about their lives and relatives and their own parents and grandparents, but the word was mum with my grandmother and grandfather. And on my fatehr's side, maybe he was a wuss for allowing her to do it, but Dad never introduced us much to them and that was largely because Mother didn't want us to know them.
She belittled him like she belittled me and kept us away from them by talking about how horrible they were. I'll bet they weren't horrible. I wish I knew them. Yes, my father should have just taken us and let her yap, but I get it. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of what we all called "a lecture" either. She never quit talking; it could go on for months. So the children, all of us, lost out on knowing a large family on the other side of the family tree. And I never heard much about his relatives either.
This is not the norm in any family. Most have lots of old family stories about relatives long deceased, but not us.
I didn't know my grandmothers siblings, at least not all of them. I don't even know how many she had. Secrets. Secrets and "don't tell" are th e main issue in dysfunctional families. To understand how amazing that is, I talked to my grandmother almost every day, sometimes for an hour. We were really close and great friends and yet this topic never came up. She never seemed to want to talk about her own family so we never did.
I have never told my kids that something was a secret from the world. I know they talk about our family (hub and sibs) and all four of them think they had good childhoods. That is my biggest triumph. I feel so good when I hear that. They can not relate to mine.
Now about boundaries and secrets and families with secrets. My opinion, of course. There are boundaries...and there are secrets. Some people are downright silly in their boundaries, by the way...I have started reading why some people disowned their parents, sisters, brothers, cousins, husbands, best friends, dogs, cats, etc. It makes me wonder if they aren't just too sensitive. Anyhow, boundaries are saying w hat you can and can not handle or demanding respect when you are treated like a dog. This is a new boundary for me, one I even used to my father. I never thought I'd ever have the guts to demand respect from him, but guess what? We have been able to have good conversations and kind conversations since then! That is a fair boundary.
A secret means you don't tell anyone the bloody gore that happened in your family of origin because it might make somebody look bad. Too many abused kids, from emotional abuse, to physical abusive, to sexual abuse are told that it is a secret. The abuser loves secrets. The abuser uses SHAME to quiet younger kids as well as some parents threatening violence of even death...fortunately it was not THAT bad in my family. It was just demeaning verbal stuff. That sometimes makes me wonder what right I have to act and feel so abused? My new therapists, and she is not the first one, has mentioned possible post-trumatic stress since I have triggers and still have horrible nightmares about my mother, ten years after she is dead. And I'm always a little kid in those dreams. Do I have it? I don't know yet. But I have some symptoms of it.
A secret is not a boundary. It only protects the abusers.
Cedar, it's been a wild ride with you too. Although I don't know you really, I feel as if I know you better than most people. And I respect you deeply and am always amazed at your insight and intelligence.