Need advice for homeless daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Despairing Mom, Sep 28, 2018.

  1. Anything that I want, she immediately tries to obstruct, so I enlisted her brother to try to obtain her little dog.

    I hope your dog heals quickly from his surgery.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thank you. And I hope the brother can get the pup. I am a huge dog lover.
  3. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    DM, this situation sounds very concerning! I hope you’re able to get the dog at least.

    Do you have concerns that the abuse from this man may escalate beyond verbal/emotional? A 51 year old man pursuing a potentially intellectually disabled or emotionally vulnerable 21 year old raises huge red flags. And abuse tends to escalate. (I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know here.)

    Do you think your daughter will cooperate with the process of getting on SSI and enrolled with some kind of services? It sounds like she needs a case worker that can be watching out for her.

    Is she going back to him simply because she doesn’t think she has anywhere else to go? Are there other options you can help her think of? I know you said staying with you is not an option, and I understand there may be many reasons for that - I know I can’t have my two difficult ones with me, either.

    I wish I had an easy answer for you. I really hope you are able to get her on SSI and assigned to a case worker or advocate for disabled adults. She might be more cooperative with a case worker than with you - so often their emotional issues with us as parents make us the worst people to actually help. A social worker may know how to step in if there is evidence that she is being abused as a disabled adult. Is there a way to talk to a social worker in your county about the options here for getting things moving for her, with or without her compliance?
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Caseworkers dont interfer with the choices they make. They will give support if asked but are not guardians and cant stop a client from being in an abusive relationship. Many disabled youth dont barely choose to see or talk to the caseworker. Its not like another parent or that they have less free will than non disabled adults. Collecting SSI does not stop even a destructive disabled adult from being able to make poor decisions. For better or for worse. It is just like a completely disabled psychotic adult can refuse psychiatric treatment and medication. Their civil rights cant be violated.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2018
  5. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    That makes sense - but aren’t their some instances where they step in to prevent abuse if the person is not competent to take care of themselves? I know they do that in cases of elder abuse. At the very least, perhaps they could point her towards resources to help her when she’s ready to leave? I hate to think of a young woman so vulnerable in this kind of situation!
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I dont know of any.

    My son worked at one time and bowls with a bunch of disabled adults...Special Olympics. Maybe 10 percent of these adults have guardians and maybe cant speak or walk or take care of themselves and they onlu travel with their guardian and also have payees. I have no doubt in the cases where adults need that sort if care, the courts would step in.

    As long as the disabled adult is pretty self sufficient and has no guardian appointed by the court, I dont think the case managers can do anything. They are not under anyone's care unless they ask. Many disabled adults make dangerous decisions. I never personally heard of anything happening to stop them other than jail if they break the law. They get arrested just like anyone else

    In our country it is extremely difficult to interfer in the life of anyone who is an adult, excrpt they do have services to physically protect the elderly. This daughter is not the norm but I cant see her getting a guardian or a case manager keeping that close an eye on her. It isnt that simple. Again...even a schizophrenic adult who is not in his right mind can not be forced into treatment or to take medication. We are very loathe to violate anyones civil rights. That in my opinion is sad, especially regarding schizophrenics who cant tell reality from fantasy.

    But thats what we do here. Thats why many of our disabled and mentally ill are in jail. Its sad in my opinion.
  7. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I know it is a tough balance between civil rights and autonomy for disabled or mentally ill adults. I get it. I just hate see someone vulnerable being taken advantage of. :(
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    So do I. I am appalled by our mental health system.
  9. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Courts don't stop women from going back to abusive husbands. No, staying in an abusive relationship isn't grounds for guardianship or forced intervention. My state has different kinds of guardianship. One is financial guardianship. Very different. Animal abuse is easy to report.
  10. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I wasn’t thinking that going into an abusive relationship would qualify for guardianship. More that her low IQ and cognitive impairment might qualify her for social services, and someone involved in those intervene on her behalf if someone is taking advantage of her, much as the state intervenes in cases of elder abuse.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A person with a low IQ is able to decide who to live with or to be abused. If she wants to leave, she has to leave like anyone else. Just as a mentally ill person who truly believes somebody is trying to kill him will be arrested for hurting somebody. I dont agree with it but that is the way it is. You are not excused for being disabled.

    My youngest is a Corrections Officer. Everyone in her jail currently are drug addicts, many mentally ill. Most committed crimes due to their addiction. Not long ago, a 19 year old inmate killed himself in jail. Is it fair? I think, as does Daughter, that he belonged in drug rehab, not jail. Plus he was very depressed. He got little to no mental health services in jail. His family blamed the jail workers for not watching him closely enough. But he shouldnt have been there at all....of course I dont know the whole story. Neither does my very upset Daughter. But this is where the mentally ill and disabled often end up. I loathe our system. There is really little help for those who need it.

    SSI and the services you get from being on it is about all we offer, all we are allowed to offer. It sucks but thats what we have :/
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2018
  12. Because my daughter lies continuously, it's impossible to know if she had restarted her relationship with this old man before she got the eviction notice. She told me she's willing to go with me to the SS office after she gets her things moved and her work "isn't so crazy" (she has a part-time job at a restaurant).

    I'm trying to come to acceptance that she's moving in with this verbally abusive, old man. It least she's not living in a cardboard box, right? I can't see her living with him for longer than a few weeks. He's an abuser and she enjoys chaos. She cannot allow any peace in any relationship.

    Three years ago when I was trying to help her find shelter, it was easier to find assistance if she had a duel diagnosis (mental health and addiction) or if she was a victim of domestic violence. I didn't know that I should lie, so I didn't and it cost her immediate housing. The lines to get into a homeless shelter were months long, so husband and I rented her an apartment. She's now been evicted from three different apartments. If she tells me when she becomes homeless again, I'll tell her to inform authorities that she's a DV victim and to lie and say she's an alcoholic. She's an expert at getting herself admitted to inpatient psychiatric units, so if she gets too cold, she can always go to the hospital. smh
  13. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I’m so sorry. I hope and pray the abuse does not escalate and she does not stay with him long. Domestic violence is soul destroying.

    Please do try to get the dog out. My ex hurt one of my cats badly. And then made me lie and tell the kids the cat was hit by a car. Abusers often start on the animals before escalating to direct physical violence against their primary victim, as a method of control. No animal should be put in harms way.

    It’s a tough situation, that’s for sure. Hugs to you.
  14. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Prayers that you can get the dog and your daughter out. What a horrible situation.
  15. My daughter is allegedly finishing packing today to move into verbally abusive old man’s home. I’m trying to console myself, so I scanned the “rooms to rent” ads on Craiglist. I can’t see her living there for very long. She has no friends who would allow her to couch surf.

    I refuse to cosign on any lease for her as she has shot holes in walls with an airlift gun, kicked in a door, had numerous noise violations with her last rental, and has been evicted twice. She has a poor credit score. She doesn't have a criminal record….yet. She’s not an addict….yet. She has worked at the last fast food restaurant for 6 months. Her previous employment lasted 7 months. Will she qualify to rent any $400/month room with this history?

    I am situationally depressed and don’t want to collect all her numerous records needed to complete her SSI disability forms for her. I have spent six years trying to rescue her and I'm completely exhausted. She can’t complete her SSI disability forms herself as her IQ is borderline MR (intellectually challenged if you must be easy child). I texted her a list of three SSI attorneys near creepy old man’s house. She is capable of making an appointment and taking Uber to start the SSI process. So I can beat myself up some more, does anyone know what percentage of SSI payments will an attorney take?
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    She doesnt need a lawyer although he could walk her through the process. We didnt use one. I think they will require a fee, not part of her SSI. If you have the money for the cost, go for it. She will need all her records from when her troubles began ,(often birth) to school failures or IEPs to work failure as an adult AND a diagnosis by a professional. Certain diagnosis, are guarantees, some not.

    I think your daughter is a shoo in. SSI is about lifetime disabilities and is not as hard to get as SSDI. The lawyer can help her sign permission to release her records.

    I really hope she gets SSI and maybe a payee to dole out her money. She WILL get a functional assessment by an appointed psychologist by the state.

    Wishing you love and luck. Her as well.
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  17. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    An SSI/ SSDI attorney fee is fixed by law. It is a one time amount and comes out of her first check as that's usually a lump sum. For most it take many months and it pays from the date of application. But in some areas the process can be quicker than others. And some diagnosis are processed more quickly.

    I recognize that you are concerned about money. But the system knows that people who apply for SSI by definition don't have money. So something like attorney fees would be impossible for people applying for SSI. The system accounts for this.

    I can't say that my experience with an attorney who claimed to specialize in SSI was positive. I did have a positive experience with a non-profit agency for the disabled. My problem was the amt of effort the private attorney's office was willing to put in. Not much. So because I didn't have the records and they didn't bother doing follow up I lost. My experience was that there are "drive through" medium and large law firms who make money by doing little. In fact, I never spoke to a lawyer despite repeated requests. He showed up at the hearing with a file. That was his involvement. A paralegal did everything in terms of collecting records but no one ever looked at the file to see if there was actually enough there to justify a claim.
    They get nothing if they lose. So they're just playing the odds of winning and enough wins justifies the paralegal time and 1 hour attorney time on the losses.
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  18. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I understand your emotions around the situation. We all deal with these things differently. I'm an optimist. I look for a glimpse of hope and jump on it. So I would deal with my emotions by keeping myself busy with lists of papers to be collected. But that's me.

    She will need names and addresses of places for the paralegal to look for papers. They can't do anything without it. Nor without your daughter signing a consent for every piece of paper they want. Dr names, school names. With multiple short term employment they wont be going to every employer. A couple of W-2s will suffice.

    Hope you got the dog. tells you everything you need to know.
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018