Need advise about vacation

[Copabanana]

Another mother Toughlovin' has a thread right now about enabling. She cites a passage from an Alanon book that I found useful.

Today I am learning to make choices because they are good for me, not because of the effect they might have on others.

What is happening to you right now is the opposite of this. You are afraid to make a decision because of the effect it might have on either your son or your husband. You are in such agony, that you do not want to go on the very vacation in question.

You are entitled to, I would say, obligated to decide on the basis of what is best for you. There is a decision that is the most right for you.

Maybe, it is that your son go on the vacation, whatever the cost to your husband or yourself and your relationship.

While it may seem that the decision is choosing between the interests of your husband or your son, the decision is really between you and yourself.

Actually, you did decide that you wanted your son to go, by reaffirming the offer.

Is the fear that if you stick to this decision, some consequence with your husband will be forthcoming that you do not want to face? Will your feelings change? Will his? Is that the fear?

 

[Copabanana]

The issue right now is only about the trip. That is all. These patterns in your marriage to which you refer are long-standing and they will not be decided based upon the trip or based upon your decision about the trip. You can decide what ever you want to now. And leave all of the rest of it to deal with when you return.

If your husband gives you a cold shoulder, it is nothing new. It is on him.

Your son's knowledge of and belief in your love for him will not hinge on one trip. Or should not. He knows he has acted the jerk.

You cannot be held hostage by either one of these men. You are important in yourself. Vitally important.

These things happen in blended families. Clear communication is particularly important, here.

You know, there could be a win-win in this. You might use this situation to begin to heal, by speaking up for yourself and what you need and want, which is a nice trip. You have a right to a nice trip. Bringing your son along will not retroactively remedy any perceived slights he may feel, or any guilt you may feel. All of that can be separate from this trip. Nothing has to be proven. By anybody. It is just one trip.

I have no doubt in my mind that you are capable of helping your husband and your son heal, and your family heal, by beginning now, to let what is past, be past, and what is now, be now. If you decide to focus upon today, everybody gets to be forgiven. Even you.

 

[BusynMember]

I give people on the side of the road money. My husband says the same thing yours does. I think men and women think differently. Many are more logical.

Ok. This again is my opinion.

I put high value on my husband. He gets priority over my grown kids. I see your husband's point and your son is an adult. If this is a once in a lifetime vacation, doesn't husband have a right to enjoy it? Does he not work hard, care for you and the kids? He has been there when your son is at his worse or was absent.

I don't know how old your son is, but he's an adult and screwed up and your husband has memories of him creating chaos of his own making. I am on his side here.

Some of us, most of us at one time, have trouble letting our adult kids be adults. Some, not just you, think that paying their way, giving them things way beyond age appropriate, or over worrying about them will make them love us.

It is not healthy to try to buy love and, worse, it costs us money and doesn't work. Your son probably said he wants to be with you because he knows it's what you want to hear. He didn't want to be around you before. He did not respect either you or your husband.

You will do what you want to do, and that's ok, but in my eyes it is as if you are putting him before the rest of the family. He is not going to stay with you forever anyway. He shouldn't. He us grown up.

In the end, it is just you and husband. in my opinion his wishes are more important than that of an adult child who has caused so much grief of his own making. As I understand it, your other children are minors.

That's different.

I hope you come to peace over this. You sound very guilty. At this rate you will spoil your own good time either way. You deserve to stop trying to make everyone happy (you absolutely won't and can't) and just be happy yourself. Happiness comes from within, not from other people. Your son, in the end, can not make you happy. And you can't force anyone to like being around this adult son. I don't think it's bad for him to know that some consequences to his bad behavior is that it causes others to be afraid of having him around. Are you sure he will behave? Is it a pattern that he ruins time together?

Hugs for a very torn apart heart. Those were my thoughts.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Worried sick, I have been there with issues with my husband and my son, his step son. It does cause lot of stress on a marriage. But husbands issue has always been the lying with son. Then when son was old enough he lived on the street for many years. We didn't invite him to family functions anymore because he was making bad choices with his life, refused to change, associated with druggie people, he himself doing drugs. Then a few years ago, he changed. He seemed to be living well with his aunt. So I asked husband if we could invite him for christmas. He said ok, but was leary. It was a good Christmas and I was happy. Then son's grandma died, then his long time girlfriend died of heroin over-dose, then son went in downward spiral with grief. He landed in jail due to some other girl, then he got out, only to get arrested again. I asked husband if I could bring him home for long week-end until we could figure out a solution of where he was to go. We found Salavation army had a program to get a second chance on life. Hus and son talked for hours and seemed to have bonded. Husband shook hands with him and asked him to promise to attend the program. Son promised to his face. Well son went but only stayed a day and then left. Husband cried, was so disappointed. So, now he said that's it. He lied to me as a man. He is on his own. I still talk with son, part of his life, albeit many states away and husband just doesn't say too much anymore. But he says, be careful, or you will get sucked in again. It hurt me to see my husband trust him, let him back in, only for him to kick him in the teeth. My husband crying over this, gave me validation, that he is a good man, cared about my son, and he has a right to set his foot down when he sees my son hurting me and us.

My husband, probably like yours, sees the heartache we go through, and because it is not their child, I think they can see things going bad before we do. Mothers are naturally, more emotionally attached, give them more chances then perhaps they deserve.

If it were me is to tell son, "Look, I would love to have you come with us on vacation, but I am sorry, we had left open the door for you to join us, but events occurred, due to your decisions you made. It is not possible to go on this vacation. However, I would like to do something with you at another point in time."

YOU are in the middle, but he is your son. YOU re-invited without talking to husband. Maybe husband would of been more receptive if you had talked to him first. My husband would get upset with me about this- too. I learned to talk to hubby first, always. It saves a lot of this you and me against son down the road issues. I value my husband, all he has done for our family and therefore, I try to listen to his opinion, point of view, and his feelings.

Your son has caused a lot of chaos and stress in your life and he has to be accountable for that. This time he should stay back no matter how he feels about it or you. YOU can't let the guilt over-ride this vacation. Your son has to earn trust back into the family, it just shouldn't be rewarded with a great vacation. Life sucks. He will miss out, but that is the price you pay sometimes for decisions you make that AFFECT others in your life. I had to be the one to give the hard message to my son that look, for years, we didn't invite you to family holidays because of the life you were leading. That when you do get your life together, we will welcome you back. We did, then he fell again. His choices, his consequences.

YOUR only other choice is to not go. But then, your other kids do not get the enjoyment of your presence, the memories, because you chose a Difficult Child, over them, who have not caused the turmoil and stress. Is that fair to them?

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I also think this is more then just about vacation. I think there are some deep resentments with your husband and his treatment of your son over the years. I walked that road. It was hard. I acknowledged that sometimes husband was wrong, hard nosed, but also he could be kind heart-ed and give son another chance. But there is a line- and son crossed it this line last time. Perhaps this line was crossed with son with husband.

I think you and husband really need to talk about your feelings over the years. Husband and I have had those hard discussions. It's not easy, but it's harder if you keep it all inside and harbor the feelings without letting husband know how you feel.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Actually, I disagree with the rest. I think if he was previously invited and the entire family is going, meaning his siblings, it seems unfair, and actually mean, to uninvite him now.

Yes, he has screwed up, he made bad choices, but he seems to be making good choices now. I think it wouldn't do much to encourage his progress to say, "everyone is invited but you, because you effed up."

It seems, to me, that the invitation was offered, initially, without strings attached, so I can't imagine now telling him, "we decided you can't go."

I would insist that if this is a hill your husband wants to die on then he tell your son that he is uninvited, and make sure that he knows that you are not in agreement. ....I also think that, yes, this could potentially damage a relationship. Grown or not, I would feel hurt if I thought that my parent didn't go to bat for me.

FTR, I hate the silent treatment. So childish.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

We have planned a very big family vacation for many years now. My son was originally invited to go but would never make a commitment, this is all before we knew much about his drug use. My husband (his stepdad) was fine with it. We have had our plane tickets for over a year but we didn't get my son one and my plan was if he decided to go to get him one at the last minute.

Sister's Keeper- He was originally invited but would never commit to actually going per above quote from worried sick mother. If had said yes, I want to go right from the beginning, that would change things. But he never gave them an answer. So they bought tickets but not for him a year ago.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Sister's Keeper- He was originally invited but would never commit to actually going per above quote from worried sick mother. If had said yes, I want to go right from the beginning, that would change things. But he never gave them an answer. So they bought tickets but not for him a year ago.

Sorry, I still disagree. This is a family tip, the entire family was invited, and he was invited and invited again. I think it would be mean and hurtful at this point to tell him "never mind, you aren't invited because you effed up, we just want to spend time with our other children." Who are, by the way, full biological children.

If this were just WSM and her husband, I would say, tell him you and your husband need time away, but this is the whole, extended family, and it is a one in a lifetime thing. As far as I can tell there were no conditions attached to the invitation.

WSM asked him, again, after he got out of rehab to go, and he wants to go now. I cannot see rescinding that invitation, and, personally, I think it is terrible for a husband to ask a mother to choose between him and her child.

I also get the idea WSM WANTS her son to go, but is stuck now because her husband has out her in the position where she has to chose between hurting her son (and he will be hurt) and angering him.

It's a terrible place to be.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree with Iron. A family vacation does not in my opinion include a grown kid who pays no bills and causes strife and I would say no. Often, we go to Chicago to see my grandbaby with Sonic and Jumper and they both insist on helping to pay for their hotel rooms. They are also 100% assured not to cause trouble, do drugs or test rules. There is no guarantee with this other child.

Sisters keeper, I almost always feel your advice is top notch. You are a smart, awesome lady who saved the day for three struggling young kids. But this one time I must disagree. You don't have adult kids yet. Of course minor children should go on family vacations. But I would not include an adult child who causes marital discord and is not a good example to the younger ones.

It does not seem he even knows if he wants to go. I say, if he wants to go, get a temp job and he cal buy his own ticket.

We don't make Sonic or Jumper pay 100% but they want to and are a guaranteed joy to have around.

To me minor children are different from adult kids. Has this adult child offered to try to pay a part toward his ticket, room, food? That matters too to many of us.

I feel, and don't know if anyone agrees with me or not, but once a grown kid is grown, the husband, who will be there to the end, should come first. I personally would not put my marriage to an adult kid who should be old enough to be trusted and who can't or won't pay even some of the expenses.

Jumper is only 20 and Sonic is 22. Neither are rich, but they work hard and like to contribute.

I'm also not convinced Son will really be hurt. He has been wishy washy about going. My parents and younger sibs went to Florida twice when I was in high school I could have gone, but I didn't want to go and had more fun at home. It wasn't hurtful. I had no desire to hang out with my family at my age. So neither you or me knows how much he wants to go or if he will be hurt. If he goes, hub will feel his feelings are disregarded...you can't please everyone. Nobody can. Nor should we try.

In my opinion, too many parents are actually afraid to contradict even horrible acting adult children I decided. Some are afraid that if they wont do their bidding, their kids won't love them. That must be an awful way to live. Their kids don't really love them anyway if they put conditions on that love.

As always JMO.

 

[Copabanana]

I disagree with everybody. While I agree with IB:

I think you and husband really need to talk about your feelings over the years.

I do not think WSM wants to handle the built up resentments and guilt over an entire married life in order to make this vacation, nor should she.

There is responsibility to go around for all to share. That does not mean that this situation has to get more dire.

While I can see sister's keeper point

I would insist that if this is a hill your husband wants to die on then he tell your son that he is uninvited

there is nothing in WSM's post that indicates her willingness to confront her husband. It appears, WSM, that you may feel some responsibility that you did not stand up to your husband about unequal treatment towards your son. That this is a problem that may be longstanding. That is why this situation is so loaded for you.

We cannot remedy in one act, one decision a pattern of decades, nor should we try.

Grown or not, I would feel hurt if I thought that my parent didn't go to bat for me.

It is an illusion that the vacation stands in for all of the other past times where son may not have been supported. The two are different things entirely. There is the vacation and there is the past.

The fact is that WSM and husband each have their personalities. What is important is that WSM accept what happened in the past, as past. There is no perfect parent.

Whether son goes or does not go on the vacation is the lesser point. I agree with Sister's Keeper to a point. It the invitation was extended without conditions, with the intention that you would pay whatever it took to buy a ticket at the last minute--for example--paying 5x as much for his plane ticket..then you paid for the others, I would wonder. What would you be paying for, WSM? The past?

I know for my son, if he had not bothered to confirm a trip--I would hold him responsible for having chosen with his feet. If it had been all that important to him I would have expected him to speak up. I would not take on all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I would feel not a problem telling him this. Now that the vacation is on top of us...I will not pay 5x as much for the ticket. Where were you 6 months ago?

I am still back to the point that WSM is trying to compensate for all the other times in the past that may have existed when she may feels she did not speak up for her son. That cannot be remedied by this trip, nor should it be.

"never mind, you aren't invited because you effed up, we just want to spend time with our other children." Who are, by the way, full biological children.

I can imagine the pain in this for both WSM and for her son. But the thing is, son is a grown up now. Not a child. He is responsible for his actions and how they affect others.

I think it is terrible for a husband to ask a mother to choose between him and her child.

I agree. But son is an adult now, who is responsible for his behavior. Is not a wife responsible to protect a spouse, who feels put upon and resentful for years of pain? This is know longer a dependent child.

WSM WANTS her son to go

Yes. But is this because of guilt from the past, or because you his presence on the trip, WSM?

 

[BusynMember]

Disagree again.

I had three kids when I married my husband. My husband was and is not their father they have a father.

Two of my kids were ok with husband. One wasn't and was totally horrible to him. I did stick up for my son when my husband tried an angry confrontation. I told him in private to let me and my ex do the disciplining. Husband was good with that and things got better, but things have never been lovely between those too and I am fine with it. My son is mature enough now not to interfere in our marriage and as long as he knows I love him, his mother, he is indifferent to how husband feels about him.

The fact is, the mother needs to take control of a minor child. If an adult child gets into drugs or criminal activity, it is reasonable to think that a step father, who did not raise him, may resent him. At one time husband was the adult. Now they both are adults.

Every child is different. Every parent is different. Not all men can talk it out or deliver a message gracefully. My husband is the most kind hearted man I ever met, but he is not a talker about things. It doesn't work for him. We don't know is WSMs husband is the type who is able to talk out his feelings either. I haven taken my hub to therapy with me a few times and he is a good listener. But he does not talk much.

I don't think everyone can solve things by going over them all and talking. It's good if you can, but if people are not good communicators, it won't work. I'm not all that hot a communicator either.

WSM needs to solve this in a way that works for the personality of her and her husband. We don't know the dynamics. I don't feel the grown kid should be a priority here. Sorry, he has messed up. But if WSM can afford to bring her grown son and either talks her husband into being ok with it or puts son in front of husband, then he will go.

We are all over the place with this, and our own personalities and valuesv(including myself) are coming into this...old hurts from our past too maybe. We are probably driving poor WSM batty with all our various opinions...lol.

I hope, WSM, you can come to an decision that works for you and yours. You have read maybe too many conflicting ideas. Take what you need and leave the rest and good luck.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

In the end, someone is going to get sucker punched over this vacation; WSM, son or husband. I too hope WSM, that you can find a solution that works for all involved. I still say, if he can't go on this trip, that you and he should do something together. I think there has been hurt, resentment from all parties and it will not get resolved by one vacation.

 

[toughlovin]

WSM, I hope you will check in and let us know how you are doing with all of this.
I feel for you so much as this seems like such a difficult dilemma to me and shows the difficulty when you are not totally on the same page with your husband. That can be difficult when you are both parents of the child but even harder I think when one is a step parent.

I really don't see how your son can go if your husband does not want him to... That is just a set up for a totally miserable vacation for everyone. I think your husband is being a little bit unfair BUT I can also understand. If this has been planned a long time, just imagine your son going and either falling apart or relapsing while on vacation..... It could easily ruin the vacation. And your sons sobriety is still new.... The stress of a family vacation could make staying sober very difficult for him. This is all new and I know you want to trust him but in reality you probably can't yet.

So I don't like the idea of not letting your son go as a punishment, that you messed up and so you are not welcome.... BUT I think it more as this is all so new, and the family just isn't ready for the dynamics of a vacation and your sobriety yet. But yes I think planning something where you can go and do something fun with just you and your son is a great idea.

TL

 

[worried sick mother]

I truly appreciate everyone's response and opinions, I always question myself if I'm being unreasonable. I guess I should clarify about my sons invitation, yes this is a family vacation that's been planned for many years, my son originally said he wouldn't go because it's his girlfriends dream to go where we are going and I explained this is a family vacation and we can't afford to take her then when it came closer to time to buy tickets he said he was going, my husband said to me do I get him a ticket or not ? I said I'm afraid he will back out so I will just wait till the last minute and get him one , my husband knew this. That's why I didn't think to even ask my husband before inviting my son again.
The problems between my husband and son are deep rooted and this is even before my son was any problem at all. My husband is not a very forgiving person and it all started when my son posted on space book (he was 15) one time that he had to go work for an undeserving prick because we made my son work all day Saturday without pay. Yes my son shouldn't have said that but it started what has been years of un forgiveness. My son respects my husband and has never done anything directly to him. My son has been out of our home since he was 18 and is now 23, he doesn't harass me for money and has never stole anything, that's one reason I couldn't figure out for sure if he was on drugs. I just knew something wasn't right and I snooped on my son to find out. He did total my car I let him drive and got a DUI. When I confronted my son about all the things I would find snooping like the trash he was fooling with or how he looked , accused him of drugs that's when he would go nuts on me. I'm by no means defending my son, he screwed up big time!!! And he may screw up more.
Like I said my son hasn't done anything to my husband. My husband has just seen how this has affected me over the years. My husband says that I make my son the center of the universe when he's around and that I don't even know anyone else exists. I see my son so little that it's probably true.
This is a very long flight that we are going on and we are flying first class, my son wouldn't get to do that so that would be one consequence from his actions. My son is going to be deeply hurt when I tell him he can't go. This may or may not be the right decision but I have decided not to go. It's made me physically sick over all of this so I don't even feel able to go. I've had many years of worry over what was going on with my son but when I found out he was using heroin and was housing drug dealers that had guns , I literally had a mental breakdown. I didn't sleep or eat, lost a lot of weight , had so much anxiety that I thought I would die, actually wanted to die. Went and got put on medication and was actually starting to feel better, this brought it all right back!!
I figure if something is making me this upset then it's just not worth the fight. My son wouldn't want to go without me so I'm just going to tell him that I'm sick and can't go. I felt this was a bad way to do my other children but they will still have a great time with their dad and I would just be a stick in the mud anyways. I told them I was sick too. It's not a lie, I am sick. When I told my husband, his only worry was getting the money back for the flight which I think we can with a doctor excuse which I will try to get this week. If not, I will work extra to pay for it. Thanks again

 

[BusynMember]

Good for you. You are doing what is best for yourself. GREAT DECISION in my opinion.

Hon, I did not know your son used heroin, housed drug dealers etc., but are you sure it's safe to have your young ones with him? Your husband may be unforgiving. I believe you. But your son has escalated to the point that many biological fathers would not want him on a vacation with them. Sadly, we never know if they are actually clean. That aside, you did not know this scary situation was going to happen when you planned this vacation.

It is a shame, but sometimes the best plans need to be changed. I think you did what was best for your sanity, which absolutely comes first.
Hugs to you. This is a sad story.

 

[worried sick mother]

Yes it's safe. My son has never used drugs around us, I'm pretty sure that's why he avoided us so much. We are going very far away so no possibility of danger. He had a Vivitrol injection so he can't use any opiates and my son would be scared to death to sneak a drug on a plane anyway. I'm upset over not going but I am doing what's best for me. I can't bare the thoughts of hurting anyone's feelings, I really mean anyone, I have a huge heart sometimes too huge but definitely not my sons feelings. He's let me down tremendously and hurt me bad but I love him all the same. My husband says if it was his own children he wouldn't let them go either but the difference is that he would tell them himself and not put it all on me. I don't believe him either that he would do that, he may think he would but when it comes to your own it's a whole different story. Im just not a tough person like that. Thanks for the hugs , I sure need them!!

 

[BusynMember]

If my kids were on dangerous drugs, and knew dangerous people I would have no trouble saying no to them. In fact, I have. I can be tough and have had to be. I may cry later, but I would say no. Everyone is so different. You sound so kind. I have a soft heart, but it has been used badly so I have toughened up a lot.

I am glad you are doing what is best for you. I do know many people who can say no to their own bilogical and adopted kids. I am one and my kids still love me. And I would easily die for any of them. For me it is about boundaries. And of course it's easy for me to talk. My grown kids are doing well now.
At any rate, I hope your kind heart is not taken advantage of. You seem so nice, but vulnerable. Do care for yourself the way you care for others. You are important too, you know.

 

[Copabanana]

I feel sad you are not going on the trip, after so many years of planning. I feel bad that your husband's response is to care about the money, and not your feelings, and compassion for the spot you were in.

Can you tell him how you feel? And why?

And son. Can you tell him, that you are concerned about him, his recovery, concerned about the difficulties in the relationship with his stepfather? He is responsible for the actions he took as an already grown adult. To tell him there are worries about all of this, and the already frayed relationships, is a real thing. He already knows this. It is not your fault.

These are the elephants in the room. They grow bigger if they are not acknowledged. By avoiding the trip because of the difficulty of acknowledging them, I fear the elephants grow bigger.

Forgiving and coming together after conflict is part of being a family. Your son has erred but he is trying to change. That does not mean you cannot set appropriate limits in the manner you choose. Husband has a right to feelings, but not to the point where they are destructive. You have a right to speak these things, rather than internalizing them to the point you get ill, and denying yourself a trip that you planned for years, that your money will pay for.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Forgiving and coming together after conflict is part of being a family. Your son has erred but he is trying to change. That does not mean you cannot set appropriate limits in the manner you choose. Husband has a right to feelings, but not to the point where they are destructive. You have a right to speak these things, rather than internalizing them to the point you get ill, and denying yourself a trip that you planned for years, that your money will pay for.

I agree, and I am sorry that your trip was ruined. I'm sad that everyone's feelings but yours were considered.

I am the same as you, WSM, I can't stand to see anyone hurt. I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing, but it is what it is. Unfortunately, you got put between a rock and a hard place, and your sacrificed yourself.

As to what I quoted of COPA above, that was going to be my question. How long do we continue to punish or bring up transgressions from the past? Do we hang it over their head for the rest of their lives? Personally, I think that if someone is on the right path and trying to do the right thing that we need to try to set aside those past hurts and try to come together and heal. I cannot think it would ever be productive or positive for anyone involved to remain stuck on transgressions of the past. WSM's son seems like he is trying to do the right thing. That he has accepted responsibility for his past behavior and is trying to move on with his life.

I am not saying that we should ever forget those things, and with addicts in particular we have to remain vigilant and wary to some degree, but it can't be helpful to constantly bring up or remind someone of the pain they have caused you.

Everyone is stuck on WSM's son being an adult, but adult or not he has feelings. I don't think you get to disregard someone's feelings once they hit a certain age. I really don't care how old you are or what the circumstances are, being uninvited because one member of a group doesn't want you there, particularly when it's family, hurts.

 

[BusynMember]

We think differently.

Son has hurt everyone in his family. Knowingly. He is 24, not ten. When does HE have to start caring about other's feelings?

The best way to resolve old family issues is processional family therapy. To me, whether or not he and WSM's goes or if they talk about, with no guidance or neutral party and some probably not able to communicate well, it will probably turn into a finger pointing fight that will make it worse.

Anyhow, for me it's time for WSM son to stop hurting his family. My younger kids were terrified of daughter when she used. Has he called a family meeting and apologized for HIS scary behavior? Why does he get to be the victim? He needs motivation to stay clean. He is not out of the woods yet. And he probably hurt his step dad, his mother and younger siblings more than this vacation mess could urt him. After all, he chose a girlfriend over the family THEN wanted to go only after they broke up. He wasn't pining to go when he was with her.
I jjust don't see why this should be all about this one person in a large family.
This one incidrnt will not heal the family, no matter how it turns out. It would take months to years of therapy, with no guarantee they this adult child will even participate...would he care enough? In the future, will he even stay clean? The marriage could implode and the younger kids could lose their father.
As one who lived it from the stepfather to having younger kids dealing with the drugs, I believe the son is continuing the selfishness of an addict.
Why doesn't he just say, "mom, I know I put all of you through so much. I'm a man now. Please go without me. Ill be fine." He doesn't say it, as an adult, because he is still selfish, like all addicts.
Either way, the 23 year old can feel he is in control. in my opinion not good
Well, well see how this plays out.
WMS, you need to do what is best for you. You are not a professional family counselor and should not feel pressured to fix your entire family. I know you'd like to. Wouldn't we all? But there are five of you??? You cant possibly expect to fix all the hurt in your family, much due to 23=son.

I hope you have a peaceful night. This is not your doing and whatever bfinally happens, you will not please everyone. Nobody can sweep up the mess of a family illness...drug addiction...alone. Yes, it affects everyone. It will take a long time to heal and your son will need to prove to all that he can stay clean and grow up and make amends before there is a real healing.

You can take him on a vacation with family next year if he stays off heroin and away from dealers. Even a camping trip with family is a vacation. This particular vacation in my opinion is not to punish him, even if he sees it that way. Once he is long time sober, he will understand. My daughter harbors no anger for what happened when she used. She gets it and our family went through a lot, but are close and caring now.