I do not know enough about your son and how long he was in rehab, to give much input. My own son has been in rehab for over 60 days, and he sounds very clear, lucid and is acting like a normal human being! If it were 'us' in your situation with a trip coming up, and son was mentally where he is now, at this point, he'd be ok to come with us. Though, I'd still be nervous.
Even 2 weeks after entering the detox place, he was still acting erratically. It took a good month, of him being in, to show consistent clarity. So, to me, my decision would depend on how long your son has been 'clean and sober'.
Like a few posters, I agree, in that the rehab was a very positive move for him to make. And having him on your trip, could also be a very positive thing, sort of a start of a new beginning for him. There are also many other unknown variables that I am not privy to, to give an informed decision, that would maybe change my thoughts on this.
As for him hemming and hawing on giving you an answer last year as to whether he wanted to attend trip. I totally understand that. My son, while using, does the SAME thing. Won't give an answer for anything! Avoid avoid avoid. How many times in the last 4yrs that I offered to fly him up here for a visit and it was like pulling teeth to get him to commit to a few visits. Then, when he was up here, he wanted to leave a few days early, every time. I think it's an addict thing? They wanna get back to their familiar 'routine'?
Having said that, our situation mirrors yours in that my son and my husband are not related. My son has really hurt my husband (feelings-wise) and also has gotten in his face (many years ago) when he was under the influence of whatever he was using that day. My husband has not forgotten these things. I know he is really hurt by them, still. Their relationship is frayed...in need of mending. My son needs to make amends to his stepfather. He sort of did last month when I went down for Family Session, but it was 'via me' because he had no phone access. "Hey, can you tell 'C' that I am sorry?"
I am sorry your husband is putting you in the middle, and he seems more concerned about the $. Personally, I would never allow myself to be in the middle like he seems to be doing to you. I put my husband first but I still will not tolerate any harsh judgement or criticism of my son, either. Not that this happens often. Even though my husband has 'unresolved issues' with my son, if it came to me removing myself from the trip, he'd intervene in a positive way. And he would not allow me to not go. If I persisted, he'd cancel the whole thing. I think I would be like you, and want my son to go! Unless there were more to the story that, again, I am not privy to. I think the idea of son going for half the trip, is great as well. Even with their past, I think my husband would cave and allow him to come. My husband does love my son and want the best for him, but he will not allow my son to hurt him, so he's kind of stepped back and has no interactions with son at all (via phone, son is 500 miles away). My husband also has anger at son for what husband sees me go through, on a daily basis, re: worrying, fretting, obsessing, etc.
I don't know what else to say and, again, I am sorry that you are in this predicament to where you have to completely remove yourself from this vacation. Is the trip so close that there is no way to work something out with your hub?
In the end, whatever happens with trip, I think this situation is an eye-opener for you and your husband. Showing that there are some real issues (as Copa said, 'elephant in the room'), that need to be addressed.
((hugs to you))
