Need advise about vacation

[Sister's Keeper]

I'm so happy for you! Enjoy your vacation!

 

[Copabanana]

WSM. I am THRILLED you are going on the vacation. (I wish you would write me a PM to tell me where it is you are going.)

if the adult children who are going are his children, or theirs together.

WSM's children are theirs together. (ksm, I was touched by your post.)

Oh boy, WSM, did your situation touch a lot of us. I am so glad you updated us.

but because he always was concerned for me

KSM, this touches me so much. What a wonderful son you have. What a great and kind person. Isn't this what it is all about?

It seems like WSM's husband isn't concerned about her feelings at all.

This is really the elephant in the room is it not?

he has done a lot of bad things but not to us.

And WSM, you have a wonderful son, too. All of us will be with you from here on out. We will pray he stays safe.

We are both going on the trip!!

I am absolutely beside myself here. I want to go too!!!!!

he's even sleeping in a different bed.

I mean, does he not get how this looks. While this is an anonymous site, we are all of us seeing how juvenile is his response.

I ever did remarry or have another partner that they would treat or feel about my children (even if they didn't do the things my son has done)the way my husband feels and treats my son.

Now, WSM, you have already left, I hope, on your glorious vacation. But I hope you read this when you come back.

Your husband has a problem. He would not feel and treat your son the way he does, if he did not. Not all men or even most men would have excluded or rejected your son. Nor would they have put you in the situation where you are punished only for wanting to be a good and loving mother to all of your children.

I am happy for you that your children spoke up for you. But if you stay here on the site we will all have to work together in finding our voices. (Me too.)

I have been preparing to go back to work soon. (I am terrified and dreading it. I have not worked for 3 and a half years, since I quit to take care of my mother, who died.)

Well, due to the nature of where I work and what I do there is a lot of oversight into the hiring process. The date to begin was June 7th. And here it was yesterday, without a confirmation letter.

I told the registry: if there is no confirmation today I will withdraw my start date. I will not be available from one day to the next. I have a family. What I do impacts other people. It is not right. (You see, I had to bring in the idea of my family being hurt. I did not feel strong enough or worth enough to just be me.)

Well, when do you want to make your start date? I said: My start date was June 7th. I was prepared to start. I will withdraw that date, and we can renegotiate another.

Well, during the night I got scared and felt haunted and woke up depressed. The recruiter had not returned my phone call. I felt ashamed. Actually, I felt shunned, and I felt it was because I stood up for myself. (I wondered if I had spoken too loudly or sounded mean...all of the horrible qualities that I have learned to suppress in a long life as a female.)

I called one more time. The recruiter said, well, this is how they roll sometimes. I responded: The thing is, I don't roll that way anymore.

I am going back to work on the 7th *I will miss everybody so much. But I will go back to work stronger. I know that. I just do not know why I feel so weak.

Bon voyage, WSM, where ever you are.

(I will be guessing. I believe it is somewhere where your roots are--like if you are Russian, you are going to Russia. I am Russian Jewish. I will go, too.)

 

[toughlovin]

WSM - I am so glad you are going. Hopefully husband will get over his resentment and you can all have a good time. Please let us know all about the trip when you get back, it sounds wonderful. I am imagining all the places you might be going!

 

[RN0441]

My vote is Hawaii but I could be wrong!

 

[worried sick mother]

Somewhereoutthere, you don't need to apologize at all, we have all been through it on here. My fear of my son dying comes from the fact that he used heroin and I have heard/read so many heartbreaking stories of relapse and overdose. I've tried to do everything I can do to save him. I just found out about the heroin not long ago. Unfortunately, it's a frightening fact that anyone who abuses drugs may die. I'm definitely trying not to let my whole life revolve around this fear like I have in the past.
I'm sorry to make you cry RN and you're right on about the trip. We don't leave till this Wednesday.
Copabanana, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and I hope you love your new job and transition back to work goes smoothly. Staying busy helps me keep my mind of things.
My husband came home for lunch today and he was actually a little funny and sweet to me so hopefully he's coming around and getting over his pouting.
Although, my son has never done anything directly to us, like steal from us, bother us for money, his choices have definitely greatly affected me and our family. He has told lies on me , he has talked bad to me and I'm sure not defending him because that's never acceptable but that's usually when I've been harassing him about what on earth was going on with him, telling him how to live his life. I have helped my son greatly financially also. That's been when I've made some type of agreement with him and he hasn't held up to his end of the deal. (Like failing school) He has been informed that's not happening anymore. I'm just trying to come to grips with the fact that my dreams for him didn't come true and it is what it is!! I haven't give up hope though.
I have been reading the book Codependent No more and it is helping me realize that I've been codependent on my husband also. I was reading it due to my sons situation.
I've been trying to pack today and all of my clothes are too big. When I get stressed I just can't eat at all, makes me gag. Thanks again for all the support!!

 

[Copabanana]

OK. I am thinking Portugal now. The Azores. Many people where I live come from the Azores for the dairies.

I would not mind one bit going to the Azores because the culture is friendly and laid back and I speak portuguese *I always love to brag about that, even though I am lying because I have lost so much of the language. I am sitting on the porch now (in my dreams) drinking sweet wine with ice and lemon (my favorite). Vinho Tinto Suave com gelo.

 

[Copabanana]

I've tried to do everything I can do to save him

I know, WSM.

My husband came home for lunch today and he was actually a little funny and sweet to me

Good!!

all of my clothes are too big.

I should be so lucky.

WSM, we know you will be even busier. It was kind of you to check in. It means so much. We have so many of us come to care. We will keep speculating about where you are going and be with you in spirit. I believe the trip will go smashingly. It seems like everybody is doing their part to make the trip wonderful.

Be safe, WSM. And happy, too.

 

[BusynMember]

WSM, thanks for your forgiveness. I guess it's been so long ago now that I forgot that I was sure that my precious daughter would either end up in prison or...yes...die. She was a meth and speed fan and weighed so little and looked so sick that I stayed up nights just crying. She was very young too, yet nothing we tried worked. I need to remember how it was. It's horrible.

WSM, on the plus side, your son is willingly taking a shot to stop his cravings. WSM, he can quit all this, even if, like I did, you are so scared now. This could be the last of his using drugs.

I will keep your whole family in my thoughts. I am sorry that your husband is pouting (sleeping in a separate bed...a silly pout) but he will get over it. Sticking up for yourself and going when your kids showed they love you and don't want to go without you is brave of you. And, wow, it showed how much they cherish you.

WSM, you are a champ and stronger than you think. Just have an incredible vacation. You have been through a lot. You deserve this.

Hugs to a warrior mom!!

 

[Ironbutterfly]

WSM, I am so happy that you are going and family pulled together to ensure that you go. I am sorry husband is pouting, but you know, when you get to wherever you are going, hopefully he will be able to relax and enjoy the memories. Many have been married long time with step kids along with their own. It's not easy and there are times of frustration, pouting, resentment in many areas. Hubby and I went through a rough period with my son, mostly due to husband not able to accept the lies, the scams and the seeing the emotional and physical toll it took on me. But we pulled through.

I wasn't aware of your fears with son not being around due to his addiction. So understandable. Many of us here have those fears with our Difficult Child that have made bad choices, still continuing those choices, homeless, on drugs, alcohol, etc. But there is hope as well, that some Difficult Child's will turn their life around.

As far as husband be the controller and you the subservient, well, I have been there too. I myself, have to pick my battles, when to concede and when not to. I think you showed true courage and strength and put your foot down by not going at first and letting the family know. Hubby is probably going oh wow, now what. Yeah, sometimes us Momma Warriors have to poke the tiger back to get them to back the hell off.

Enjoy your vacation and we want to hear all about it when you get back. Peace of heart to you WSM.

 

[pigless in VA]

WSM,

I have been following along and hoping for you that you would be able to go on the trip. Please focus on yourself, your trip, and your children. If your husband is still pouty, give him room. Let him think without trying to draw him out. Just find little ways to make yourself happy, and he will come around.

Please enjoy yourself.

 

[rebelson]

I just knew you'd end up going! Yes! I have a strong feeling that everybody is going to be relaxed and peaceful. Does your trip involve this? I can feel your relief & excitement that son is going. And, I think your husband is going to soften up, how could he not? You already posted an example, when he came home from work for lunch the other day.

I wonder if your husband is a bit jealous of the emotional attention, energy, that your son receives from you? The worry, concern, sadness, etc. that he sees you feel, on a daily basis, for your son. Maybe your husband feels like he should be getting more of that attention? Just a thought here=). I often wonder if my own husband, who is NOT a jealous person, occasionally feels a pang here or there. I also sort of feel like some resentment is there, from husband towards son, for being such a 'preoccupation' for me. This is an 'assumption', it's never been said or really expressed in any way. But, how could he not feel some semblance of resentment? To be honest, if the tables were turned, I would feel resentment toward that (step) difficult child. I mean I am almost daily, semi-consumed with my son's whereabouts, safety, sobriety or lack of. I also am sometimes moody because of the stress. In the past 9 months, since son got kicked out of Grammy's & ramped up his drinking/using...there have been many days where I've walked around the house like a 'zombie'! For a man, my husband is very tuned in to me and my moods (sometimes annoyingly so)...and so he DOES notice!

I totally get your worry for your son's life. I am right there with you. I have also had many moments of heart-gripping fear that something has or is going to happen to him. It's just AWFUL. There were many days where I'd not be able to reach him or didn't want to talk to him (stressful) and so in order to get some 'peace' for myself, I'd literally call the 3 main hospitals in his town, just to rule out his name as a patient. Then, I would know that he was ok and could try to enjoy my day. Until the next one. It's sad, isn't it?

As I've posted in the past, in the past 9 months, he had called me (500 miles away) one or 2 times, in psychotic and hostile rages, while on hard liquor and/or speed pills. He shared with me last month at Family Session that when he called me and hub that one awful time, many months back, in a violent sounding rage...he was on 'speed pills'. He also swore to me, at Family Session, that he has never, ever used a needle. Pfewf! I was relieved to hear that.

I wish strength for you and me and all of us on CD. And, mostly, strength and willpower for our boys (men!), who are both in recovery right now.

Have a wonderful, beauteous time with your family. I am SO happy that this was the outcome. Truthfully, I felt very, very strongly, that your son needed to attend with y'all on this 'once-in-a-lifetime trip.

Regarding your husband, who seems to have some bitterness going on in his heart, I thought I'd post this, one of my favorite quotes from Mother Teresa, for you:

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Teresa

 

[Copabanana]

I can feel your relief & excitement that son is going.

Me too, rebelson. I can feel your's too. Oh how happy we all are for you, WSM.

I wonder if your husband is a bit jealous of the emotional attention, energy, that your son receives from you?

This is a good point.

You know, there are some men that resent the children of another man who they replace--not so much because of attention, but because of sexual competition, which is actually a very natural thing.

In the animal kingdom this can go as far as infanticide. For example, Lion cubs may be killed who were fathered by an ousted male by the new dominant male. What I am trying to say here is that there may be something basic, something primitive in males, that must be acknowledged to be overcome. It is not that some human males are more like this--it is that they may not be able to face it in themselves. Either because of insecurity or because of guilt.

I'd literally call the 3 main hospitals in his town

Oh rebelson. I so feel for you.

 

[rebelson]

n the animal kingdom this can go as far as infanticide.

Lol, funny you say that. My son says 'we are all just animals....if we were 2, on a deserted island-starving for food, many would turn on each other...' Ha. My son is quite an interesting person to talk to, he likes very deep conversation. He hates small talk, shallow chit chat, sorta like me.

Oh rebelson. I so feel for you.

True story. Performed this 'ritual' of calling the 3 hospitals, sometimes days in a row-back in Feb. and March leading up to his March 25 self-admission to rehab. It's sort of embarrassing, but it's how I got through those rough days when he was drinking/binging for a week, 10 days at a time. I couldn't bear to ring his phone to check his welfare, for fear he would answer slurring, and talking nonsense! So, it was easier to just call hospitals. Scared the hell out of me. (I love this emoji's face!) It's so 'how I feel' often!