Need help to stop enabling...

[Summer24]

This board can be a great help. Some things to remember are that our responses are base on OUR experiences and in the absence of details we tend to make assumptions. Sometimes we forget that not everyone is at the same place in the journey as we are so words that are meant to be supportive can sound harsh. In the end, you are YOU and no one else. We will give advice based on our experiences and you can either take that advice as is, modify it to suit you, or ignore it. If you feel someone is being judgmental, say something. Our response may make perfect sense to us but not to you. We are from all walks of life, from all over the globe. What we are NOT is all knowing! I hope you find the help here that you need.

I understand what you are saying. Just FYI: I didn't find your original response harsh. alot of it is true. Yes, he worked for 10 years and got sent home a lot due to lack of work, but I don't know he could have left, said he was sick or whatever. He quit twice and they hired him back(friend of his family). He got another really good job, when he works, he's really good. He quit stating anxiety attacks. There's more, but I am going to try to refrain from writing too much about his life as I do need to focus on my own behaviors/patterns and start taking steps toward change.

 

[Summer24]

We have no idea why you feel you must save your daughter. If she and her fiance are good, hardworking people and they make decent money....why is it you feel the need to take care of them?

It is hard to figure out what is going on. But we dont have to know everything. For lack of information, I will assume you have no problems with your daughter or her fiance and that you just feel the need to finance their lives and take care of them, even though there is no need. If you are codependent for whatever reason, I have three suggestions.

1. Definitely buy and read Codependent No More by (I always spell this wrong) Melody Beattie. This is a great book. It started my journey to understsnding that I cant fix anyone but myself. Woke me up. I thought I had to fix everyone.. that this was my burden. This was especially true of my difficult child for much of his life.

2. Join Codependents Anonymous, a 12 Step group. This group was my main walk to better mental health. If there is not a CODA near you, or if you are shy, there are many online meetings. Sign up.

3. See a private therapist just for you. You cant stop old habits and guilt and the feeling that your adult child NEEDS you by yourself. You also probably will find the idea of putting your needs first very selfish at first...I know that I could barely wrap my mind around this. I thought it was almost a Cardinal sin to put my needs first. I needed to really work on that. I needed a therapist to straighten out my flawed thinking.

At any rate, those are the steps I took and I did eventually carve out a good life for myself. It took time, hard work and restraint.

I hope this helped.

Thank you for the information.

 

[Jabberwockey]

There's more, but I am going to try to refrain from writing too much about his life as I do need to focus on my own behaviors/patterns and start taking steps toward change.

And that is an excellent attitude to take! The simple fact of the matter is that we CANT change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves and sometimes, sometimes when we change how we react to others it changes them...IF they let it.