mama2carter
New Member
Hi everyone! So glad to have found you all!
I was just hoping to get some thoughts/advice. My son has his 4 year old well check coming up soon and I will be discussing this all in further detail with his pediatrician.
My son, Carter, just turned 4 years old last Sunday. He is an incredibly bright child--I've been told by his preschool last year and this year that he is by far the smartest child in the class.
Last year in the 2s class was his first year in school. The only issue he ever had was some separation at dropoff, and then he was fine 5 minutes later...
This year in the 3s class, at his conference around Halloween time, we were told everything was great.
Shortly after, we started getting reports that he was being aggressive, hitting, etc. He is in a class with 11 other boys and 2 girls (and two teachers). Of course we were concerned. Our son was always a very happy and quite comical little guy, and now suddenly he was apparently experiencing this "frustration" and having trouble dealing with his impulse control. I was getting told in the pickup carpool line about the things he was doing to other kids and it was quite disturbing and unpleasantly surprising.
It all came to a head right before Winter Break. One of his teachers (who I dont particularly care for as she is not as warm and fuzzy as I feel a preschool teacher should be) approached me as she brought my son to the car and in almost a joking and smirking manner said to me, Wow. Really rough day. (Mind you my son is in the car at this time hearing everything.) I asked what had happened and she explained how he had been really hands on. I asked her if the other kids were acting the same way since break was approaching and her response was, Well, he is by far the worst and I knew he was going to have a bad day when he walked in the door. I was speechless. I went home and cried and made a phone call first to my pediatrician and then to the preschool director. I was a teacher and would NEVER say that to a parent. It scarred me as I will never forget her saying those words to me--it was that upsetting. The director gasped on the phone when I told her what was said. The next day the teacher apologized (Im sure she had a little talk with the director), she had a bad day, etc. which really didn't changed anything in my eyes. We had a conference about his behavior a week later, and she tried to backtrack and say she didnt mean it, etc. My husband and I started reading the Kazdin Method and began a reward system where points were offered at school based on his ability to keep his hands to himself, and he was able to purchase items/privileges at home based on his points earned.
His teacher has also made a point of telling me in his daily reports that some instances were unprovoked. I know my son, and I have a hard time believing that. He has a 6 year old sister who often knows how to rile him up and push his buttons, and rarely does he do anything for no apparent reason. It doesn't justify his behavior, but I feel having a reason for his actions that make sense to him is different than an unprovoked attack. After an instance recently, the director had to speak to him and talked to him about a better choice he could have made based on what happened, etc.which is another reason it upset me when his teacher claimed that same day that his actions were unprovoked when they clearly were not! I'm wondering just how in tune she is with what is going on with him and the other students. When he is calm, he knows exactly what he SHOULD be doing. We have even role played. However, when he is in the situation, he has trouble controlling his anger. At home, he has resorted to saying I hate you or spitting or hitting when he is enraged---NONE of which we do at home. It seems as though our reaction to these may have negatively reinforced them because the first time he did them, we got very upset--it was so shocking! We have learned from this mistake.
Recently, he said to me out of the blue that he wasnt lucky because people tell him that he does bad things. I asked him who and he said sometimes his teacher and specifically named that teacher who had said those things about him. This made me really worried that his esteem is being damaged. I was in the class this week for his birthday and witnessed two kids fighting and one pounding the other in the back. I was shocked! I called the teachers attention to it, and she glanced over and said, Oh, they are just playing. Then she witnessed another hit, and just separated them with no consequences. It made me feel as though she was biased against my son getting in trouble. My son behaved much better than those kids, yet I was the one getting all the negative reports and prejudgments and he was "by far the worst." You should never judge the way a kids day is going to be by their first minute in the door. I feel as a teacher it is up to you to turn the day around.
One time at school, he was so angry (I dont remember why) that he knocked over a whole box of stickers. His other teacher told me that he did apologize to the teacher and helped clean them up after.
Tonight for example, he was very tired, and got very angry when he had to do anything toward working toward going to bed--he didn't want to stop playing. He started spitting at me and my mom and yelling and getting to that point of anger where he couldnt hear anything anyone was saying. I ended up putting him in his room to cool down. Some days he will want hugs to feel better, and others nothing but time will calm him down. I knew at this point, sleep was what he needed.
He is also NOT easily distracted. If he is upset and someone comes along and tries to distract himfor example, I love your shoes. while he is having a meltdownall this does is infuriate him moreas though his feeling are being ignored and invalidated. We are really trying hard to validate his feelings when is to the point where he can hear what we are sayingI know how upset that made you etc.
I am just unsure as to what is accepted as normal at this age. And if there is anything he could be diagnosed with like ODD, would these symptoms just suddenly appear at this age? I am concerned that his preschool is having a Pygmalion Effect on him, molding him into this behavior problem that he is now becoming?
I spoke with the director this week and expressed my ongoing concerns with the teacher and how he is feeling and whether or not he is being treated fairly I am just not sure what is best for him at this point. She knows I am concerned about his fit with his teachers and assured me next year he would be placed in a class that would be a good fit for him. Meanwhile, it is only February and there are a few months left to this year...
I guess I am looking for some advice/hopewhatever! He generally gets around 11 hours of sleep a night and eats very healthy--lots of fruits, vegetables, organic food. When he and I are alone, he is generally fine. (I know being hungry and tired definitely don't help the situation.) The first thing he asks me every morning when he wakes up is Do I have school today? He would rather stay home with me than go to school, and some days he gets upset when I tell him he does. To work with transitionsgoing potty, putting on shoes, etc.which have until recently been another battle, setting a timer and having him want to beat the timer has helped A LOT!
I just want my sweet funny guy back. I hate that he is feeling so much frustration and anger. He can be the smartest, sweetest, most loving and funny kid ever!
Thanks for reading! Sorry this was so long!! I am just feeling frustrated and some days hopeless. This week was great, and today just felt like another step backwards...
I was just hoping to get some thoughts/advice. My son has his 4 year old well check coming up soon and I will be discussing this all in further detail with his pediatrician.
My son, Carter, just turned 4 years old last Sunday. He is an incredibly bright child--I've been told by his preschool last year and this year that he is by far the smartest child in the class.
Last year in the 2s class was his first year in school. The only issue he ever had was some separation at dropoff, and then he was fine 5 minutes later...
This year in the 3s class, at his conference around Halloween time, we were told everything was great.
Shortly after, we started getting reports that he was being aggressive, hitting, etc. He is in a class with 11 other boys and 2 girls (and two teachers). Of course we were concerned. Our son was always a very happy and quite comical little guy, and now suddenly he was apparently experiencing this "frustration" and having trouble dealing with his impulse control. I was getting told in the pickup carpool line about the things he was doing to other kids and it was quite disturbing and unpleasantly surprising.
It all came to a head right before Winter Break. One of his teachers (who I dont particularly care for as she is not as warm and fuzzy as I feel a preschool teacher should be) approached me as she brought my son to the car and in almost a joking and smirking manner said to me, Wow. Really rough day. (Mind you my son is in the car at this time hearing everything.) I asked what had happened and she explained how he had been really hands on. I asked her if the other kids were acting the same way since break was approaching and her response was, Well, he is by far the worst and I knew he was going to have a bad day when he walked in the door. I was speechless. I went home and cried and made a phone call first to my pediatrician and then to the preschool director. I was a teacher and would NEVER say that to a parent. It scarred me as I will never forget her saying those words to me--it was that upsetting. The director gasped on the phone when I told her what was said. The next day the teacher apologized (Im sure she had a little talk with the director), she had a bad day, etc. which really didn't changed anything in my eyes. We had a conference about his behavior a week later, and she tried to backtrack and say she didnt mean it, etc. My husband and I started reading the Kazdin Method and began a reward system where points were offered at school based on his ability to keep his hands to himself, and he was able to purchase items/privileges at home based on his points earned.
His teacher has also made a point of telling me in his daily reports that some instances were unprovoked. I know my son, and I have a hard time believing that. He has a 6 year old sister who often knows how to rile him up and push his buttons, and rarely does he do anything for no apparent reason. It doesn't justify his behavior, but I feel having a reason for his actions that make sense to him is different than an unprovoked attack. After an instance recently, the director had to speak to him and talked to him about a better choice he could have made based on what happened, etc.which is another reason it upset me when his teacher claimed that same day that his actions were unprovoked when they clearly were not! I'm wondering just how in tune she is with what is going on with him and the other students. When he is calm, he knows exactly what he SHOULD be doing. We have even role played. However, when he is in the situation, he has trouble controlling his anger. At home, he has resorted to saying I hate you or spitting or hitting when he is enraged---NONE of which we do at home. It seems as though our reaction to these may have negatively reinforced them because the first time he did them, we got very upset--it was so shocking! We have learned from this mistake.
Recently, he said to me out of the blue that he wasnt lucky because people tell him that he does bad things. I asked him who and he said sometimes his teacher and specifically named that teacher who had said those things about him. This made me really worried that his esteem is being damaged. I was in the class this week for his birthday and witnessed two kids fighting and one pounding the other in the back. I was shocked! I called the teachers attention to it, and she glanced over and said, Oh, they are just playing. Then she witnessed another hit, and just separated them with no consequences. It made me feel as though she was biased against my son getting in trouble. My son behaved much better than those kids, yet I was the one getting all the negative reports and prejudgments and he was "by far the worst." You should never judge the way a kids day is going to be by their first minute in the door. I feel as a teacher it is up to you to turn the day around.
One time at school, he was so angry (I dont remember why) that he knocked over a whole box of stickers. His other teacher told me that he did apologize to the teacher and helped clean them up after.
Tonight for example, he was very tired, and got very angry when he had to do anything toward working toward going to bed--he didn't want to stop playing. He started spitting at me and my mom and yelling and getting to that point of anger where he couldnt hear anything anyone was saying. I ended up putting him in his room to cool down. Some days he will want hugs to feel better, and others nothing but time will calm him down. I knew at this point, sleep was what he needed.
He is also NOT easily distracted. If he is upset and someone comes along and tries to distract himfor example, I love your shoes. while he is having a meltdownall this does is infuriate him moreas though his feeling are being ignored and invalidated. We are really trying hard to validate his feelings when is to the point where he can hear what we are sayingI know how upset that made you etc.
I am just unsure as to what is accepted as normal at this age. And if there is anything he could be diagnosed with like ODD, would these symptoms just suddenly appear at this age? I am concerned that his preschool is having a Pygmalion Effect on him, molding him into this behavior problem that he is now becoming?
I spoke with the director this week and expressed my ongoing concerns with the teacher and how he is feeling and whether or not he is being treated fairly I am just not sure what is best for him at this point. She knows I am concerned about his fit with his teachers and assured me next year he would be placed in a class that would be a good fit for him. Meanwhile, it is only February and there are a few months left to this year...
I guess I am looking for some advice/hopewhatever! He generally gets around 11 hours of sleep a night and eats very healthy--lots of fruits, vegetables, organic food. When he and I are alone, he is generally fine. (I know being hungry and tired definitely don't help the situation.) The first thing he asks me every morning when he wakes up is Do I have school today? He would rather stay home with me than go to school, and some days he gets upset when I tell him he does. To work with transitionsgoing potty, putting on shoes, etc.which have until recently been another battle, setting a timer and having him want to beat the timer has helped A LOT!
I just want my sweet funny guy back. I hate that he is feeling so much frustration and anger. He can be the smartest, sweetest, most loving and funny kid ever!
Thanks for reading! Sorry this was so long!! I am just feeling frustrated and some days hopeless. This week was great, and today just felt like another step backwards...