New Introduction

[Marguerite]

I thought your background may have been a bit like that, Marf. easy child's partner, BF1, is very much like that. He works in IT, I would have bought him the nerf missiles launched by USB but I suspected he'd already bought it. He's also got the mouse on bicicyle that is powered by your typing speed (the faster you type, te faster the mouse pedals; there is a digital readout on the bike that shows your word rate). He's running out of USB ports to plug his toys into!
And yes, we suspect there's a fair bit of Aspie in him. I'm a bit anxious about what sort of kids they'll produce. They'll either be geniuses, or Aspie, or both. Oh well, at least easy child has had practice in handling difficult child 3, it will stand her in good stead.

I'm glad you say you're proud of who you are - I heartily endorse that. We wanted difficult child 3 (and difficult child 1) to understand about their autism, but to not feel stigmatised by it, so I explained it to difficult child 3 by comparing brains to computer operating systems. I said that when a document comes off the printer, you can't tell whether the document wascreated on a Mac, or on a easy child. But the instructions to tell the computer ow to make the document, are very different depending on whether it's a Mac or a easy child. It's not a case of one being better, they're just different and need to be programmed differently. In the same way, some people have easy child brains and some have Mac brains. If you make sure you have the software geared up for the correct computer, you will do OK, but if you try to run the wrong software package or the wrong operating system, you will hve difficulty. It's just a matter of getting the right fit, and everything should still function well and you shouldn't notice a difference at the output end.

He was 8 when we told him all this, and understood it well. Hmm, maybe that was another clue...

Mind you, the smarter the individual, the more seamlessly they will adapt. But it will always be a veneer of adaptation, never full adaptation to the point of blending in perfectly. It's the swan on the lake - it may look serene as it glides, but there is a lot of furious activity going on under the surface, to maintain that semblance of tranquility and control.

Marg

 

[robinm1922]

Hi Marf,

I am also in Maryland and not far from you at all! I sent you a PM with some information on a Neuropsychologist and psychiatrist.

Best of luck,
Robin

 

[aeroeng]

Marguerite

"I'm a bit anxious about what sort of kids they'll produce. They'll either be geniuses, or Aspie, or both."

They will be both. The question is how to teach them to live happily with it. It's that semblance of tranquility and control thats so hard to find.

 

[Marguerite]

We found initially that difficult child 1 didn't want to know. IN one way he would happily tell people his diagnosis, in other ways whenever info came on the TV about it, he would leave the room. Then after a couple of years he would be in the room while the news would be discussing a kid with behaviour problems, and would often say, "Don't they realise that kid's an Aspie?"
He picked that his best friend was Aspie, he worked with me to get his best friend (who had been thrown out of school) to enrol in a part-time college course with him, with my help. This particular couse takes students at a lower level of school completion, so the friend was able to enrol. If I hadn't steered them both through it, neiter would have managed the paperwork. But the courses at this tertiary college are wonderful in the support available to students with learning problems. It was a struggle but they both passed the course.

difficult child 1's best friend still tries to hide his disability, because his mother never taught him that he was worth fighting for. She is a good person, but she was too willing to give way to teachers who told her that her son was a problem. She never dug deeper to try to sort it out, and he is resentful for this. To her credit, he never told her what was wrong (wouldn't tell me, either) so how could anyone fight for him if he won't let on there is a problem?

difficult child 1 accepts himself, he knows he has problems but also knows that he has special talents that are directly due to his Asperger's. He is fragile, he will need to be supported emotionally for some time, but at the moment that is not too difficult a task while he feels good about himself. I just wish he and his wife lived a little closer so we could see them more often, I don't want her to feel he is her baby (which I see developing, it could lead to problems).

I can see good tihngs ahead for my boys. However, they need much longer time to be parented, it isn't easy. difficult child 1 blew up at grandma's last night because she was "laying down the law" in a way I felt was extremely inappropriate, and she has never been tuned in to the early warning signs. I stepped in as parent and followed him out, I did my best to hint to grandma that she had just triggered an explosion and should now drop the subject (I don't think it worked). After that I briefly spoke to difficult child 1 ("Yes, she was wrong. No, you can't do anything about it. This is her house, she is senior. Put up with it. Come back inside when you've got control of yourself.") I then came back inside calmly and suggested we all continue on, difficult child 1 would join us when he was ready. His wife I think was upset, but wisely didn't react and followed my lead. mother in law began to say, "He's too old for these tantrums," to which I replied, "We have learned to not apply the calendar; you never say, 'he should have grown out of it by his age,' because such rules just don't work. Now we need to move on."

difficult child 1 came back in a few minutes later, sat down and imediately apologised. Fairly soon he was joking with his grandmother and discussing various aspects up a kick "up the Khyber Pass" (referring to other words she spoke concerning him).
I'm sure mother in law thinks everything is now sweetness and light, and that her actions were therefore made acceptable - they were not. But bygones are now bygones, which while not the same thing, should be good enough here.

difficult child 1 didn't have the maturity to not explode, but he DID have the maturity to sort it out himself afterwards.

It is an ongoing process, they take much longer to mature. But as we're seeing in difficult child 1, he IS getting there.

Marg

 

[tunaq]

i personally have no advice but i wanted to give you great big {hugs}. i hope and pray y ou get the advice and help the family needs. hang in there.{hugs}

 

[Marg's Man]

I'm not sure how relevant my thoughts will be now, this late in the thread but here goes ...


Marg & I believe the REAL secret is make them happy with themselves. Don't deny their differences, get them to revel in them. Of course you have to make it an absolute that there is no violence. Violence is always Basket A. A person has an absolute right to feel safe at home even when there is a member of the household who may be dangerous at times.

One thing easy child 2/difficult child 2 did was cultivate the belief that she was a practicing witch (she's not). She got so good at this this that most of the 'problems' in our area left her alone for fear of getting hexed. In fact the elders of our church came to us to counsel US about our daughter's satanic leanings - we set them straight on that score.

difficult child 1 was a ninja, then a Sith Lord (a la Star Wars bad guy). Everyone who mattered to him thought he was 'kool', he didn't care about the rest.


Marg's Man

 

[TerryJ2]

The dr who did our difficult child's testing believes that Bill Gates is Aspie.
We can ALL aspire to that!

 

[Lothlorien]

Wow! It sounds like you've definitely gone through some extremes on helping your son. I hope you find him the right p-doctor that can help him work this out.