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Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by yangstein, Dec 14, 2016.

  1. OK. I will try to make this as short as possible for what went on over the Christmas weekend at our house. It was expected not to be great so there was no expectation. I turned out to be 99% expected and not a disaster or a huge drama.

    On 23rd when I got home earlier than usual, I found big cardboard boxed in front of his room. I realized mother bought him a new bed frame to replace his ole one he destroyed years ago. He had no bed frame but nice mattress that he took from my daughter and foamy mattress his mother bought him a week before. As being a lazy boy as he has been, he did not assemble the bed until I walked in. Then mother panicked and started yelling at him to get the bedframe put together. In normal circumstances, I would have helped him but this time, I did not even pay attention where I was disgusted and did not even look. He somehow put the frame together. For me, that was a miracle that he could do it with little help from mother. I did not say anything. "Where's the screw driver? Where is the drill?" I said "They are wherever they are supposed to be. In the garage" Mother had to get them so that the son could do it. My thought was 'You are really taking it far and making him a permanent home for him' Very disappointed as I expected to hear some positive conversation again. That was for the day.

    On the Christmas Eve, my wife cooked a nice dinner for everyone but my stepson did not want to participate as he had to work was his excuse. We will never know whether he actually worked or not. Who cares? My son, wife and I had a wonderful dinner with great conversation. When dinner was over, stepson came back, changed and went back out. One of my neighbors were in the house and my stepson behaved like a well trained golden retriever as usual, charming and engaged in a conversation with the neighbors as my son and I were glued to the "God Father" marathon. My son and I knew what was happening and we were just shocked as usual. It always happens when there is a visitor in the house. Nothing new. Then he went out and did whatever he had to do... We do not know.

    On Christmas day, we woke the boy and the grown up kid out of bed and opened the presents. Everyone had cards and presents but the stepson did not have any card or presents for anyone, which is exactly how I expected it. I had a card written, ready to give him but as I saw his attitude, I decided not to. He hated most of his presents, which his mother hid from me and our youngest as we would have given her comments. Just like last Christmas, there was no appreciation whatsoever. Among 3 pairs of shoes, he liked one and the other one pair, which was a nice penny loafer, he said "Where am I going to wear these?" Mother says "It is always nice to have a pair like them as you will never know whether you will have to go in for an interview or a date" Stepson mumbles "Useless"... A pair of nice pants was described as "I will never wear those" and everyone just ignored the comments he made. I guess he was expecting a Louis Vuitton Bag or something.

    I decided to go for a nice walk with my wife and dogs. As I we went down the hill, I got a call from the alarm company that alarm went off in my office so I had to go to the office to check, reset the alarm. My wife went on to finish her walk. After I came back, stepson was gone and I thought it was weird as he would NEVER miss a game on TV especially he was watching it with my youngest AT HOME. I realized it was half time. He came back in completely stoned, mother still out exercising. I came upstairs to avoid him. We ended up taking a ride to the beach then went to our neighbors house for dinner. When we returned, he was not there.

    Well up to that point, not a drama and things were going better than expected. I had a day off yesterday so my wife and I went shopping. I cancelled my golf for spending some time with my wife instead. We exchanged some gifts and went to a restaurant that my wife has been wanting to go really bad. As we sat down and started to talk, BINGO!!! the subject that I really wanted to talk came up... We started talking about smoking pot. After numerous attempts, my wife agreed that it is not for everyone. Some people can be real productive and can handle pot. Obviously her son is not this case. We agreed. Hew... A good start. Some people do not have to go to college to be happy and successful. Jeez. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and so many other successful people did not finish college. Yes we both agreed. Mark Zuckerberg went to Phillips Exeter where my daughter went.. Then Mark went to Harvard but did not finish. They had focus and better things to do. They did not get kicked out or dropped out. We are talking about one in a million case versus who is not focused, did not go to class and flunked out is a different story and for those fit into this case always mention about this. Let's be honest here for now. My wife agreed that it is not fair to compare those people with her son. There are so many people like Bill Maher, Morgan Freeman who smoke pot all the time. There must be some sort of difference where they put whatever is important in their lives and careers first. If you call smoking pot is a hobby, then let it be the hobby, not the center of your activities.

    We started talking about the book I gave her. I encouraged her to read it. She started mentioning that it is about 38 year old plus other things and I said there is no book that exactly matches your situation but it covers the pattern of behaviors that she should take a look. I underlined important parts as she recognized. She promised to finish it. In the middle of the conversation, I said we went to see a therapist because she wanted to do it and wanted me a part of it. I challenged her that I stopped the session few times and directly asked her if she was willing to do what the therapist said and suggested. However, she did not follow where she gave in IN 2 DAYS. she looked at me and said "So what? do you want a divorce?" Then I stopped talking about it as I knew it would go nowhere. The early dinner ended without any positive conversation and we came back home, watched TV and went to bed.

    I am not a fortune teller but things are happening just the way I expected. When I came into my office, I told my secretary to cancel my stepson's health insurance right away. We have given him lots of favors that he doesn't acknowledge or appreciate. I have to stop being an enabler and start some sort of action on my own. I already talked to my wife that I would cancel his insurance so it will not be something came out of nowhere but there will be hell when she finds out. I am prepared for it and do not and will not get threaten anymore. I will deal with any consequences for my health, my happiness and other family members. When you are confident and know that you have given 100%, there is no remorse I think. At work or at the house, I like fixing things, planning and executing them as I can. Now it is time to fix things instead of covering up or hoping that everything will be ok. It has been 6 gruesome years we have waited that things will turn around but I do not recall any positive things besides my stepson for somehow got dominos delivery gig and the catering job that make him able to pay his car, car insurance and his habits to buy expensive stuff. I am sure he will be able to find a place to live, go to school if he choose to go and do other things once he plans out things ahead. We shall see how it rolls... My wife is sure not happy about me or my youngest not communicating with her son. She barely communicates with her son as she yells at him to do things that he will not do. Exercise, eat decent food, go out and make friends that are in positive modes...
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad the holiday didn't cause undue drama and stress for your family.

    Another book I found very helpful is Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie. It's difficult NOT to see yourself in the book if you are an enabler, perhaps it will help both you and your wife.

    In reference to your new screen name, I think you already are a good father, you are already enough.
     
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  3. Thank you. I ordered the book already. I did not know there are so much information out here and there. I guess I was just trying to figure out by myself for a long time. It's been a painful experience although I find my issue is nothing compared to other threads that I have read. For those having so much more serious issues than me, I pray and hope for the best outcomes. I could literally say my issues are almost none to those on this forum. I am not trying to make my case the worst but just trying to express and lay out my feelings here and there. It is really helping me to vent here.... Feeling I am getting lots of support... That is all...
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You'll see yourself in that fabulous book. It was a catalyst for many people seeing the light. For me it was one book that helped me climb out of my disparing hole. We want to do what's "right" for everyone else but feel very guilty of we chose our own needs first.
     
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, the book was a real eye opener for me too.

    I think most of us do that and it is not to our advantage. We just don't know where to go and what to do. I am forever grateful for this site, for therapy, for 12 step groups and for books, it all served to help me.

    I first found this site in the middle of one of those "dark nights of the soul", devastated by my daughters life and feeling so alone, so scared and so miserable. I couldn't stop reading, I couldn't believe there were folks out there who felt what I felt, who were as flipped out as I was........it helped me so much to understand I wasn't alone and that others would actually reach out to me, total strangers...... and offer me hope, support, care and guidance. And venting was, well.... it was sublime.....I was getting heard and no one was judging me, I felt acknowledged and "seen"...... It was the first step in my reclaiming my life from the throes of insanity......
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think your issue is just as compelling as the rest. You have a wife you love who may or may not be an Alcoholic, but she puts her dysfunctional son above everyone else. Plus you have the son there, living with you, affecting your own kids. And you feel you are disregarded with no options.

    But you do have options. And if you stick around you will hear from those of us who chose to live our lives well and with self love as well as people still not sure what to do, like you.

    You have a lot on your plate deciding how to proceed. Don't minimize your own pain. We get it. You are a very giving man with a very difficult Wife and Step son.
     
  7. My wife's drinking problem is not something that someone drinks a lot here and there. Her father was a long time alcoholic that stopped drinking for 20+ years. Her mother still drinks heavily and she is 81. Among 6 siblings, 3 clearly have problem with drinking. Her siblings told me that my wife has had it for a long time. They told me about my wife before I met her. Her ex husband told her that she couldn't drink or he would divorce her and my wife apparently stayed sober for few years. That was the longest stretch as my wife's siblings told me. There were very many episodes with her drinking incidents. Some of them with me, some of them without me. For example, my wife drank too much on her father's 80th birthday at her brother's. I wasn't there as I had a very important meeting at work. Her brother later told me "She should not drink PERIOD"

    She self admitted about her problem and we even went to see a therapist, checked out rehab centers but she did not decide to check in as they were not 5 star hotels. In April this year, there was an incident and she said she'd stop drinking to save her marriage. That was third or fourth time she said it. She then would stop for few days... In the beginning of our marriage, she hid bottles in the garage. If I scale it, it used to be 8 to 9 out of 10. Our next door neighbor were alcoholics too where their weekends begin with drinking in early mornings. When I was working in NY and coming down to FL for weekends, my wife missed to pick me up at the airport twice as she was at the neighbors (I told her not to go) in the Friday afternoon and passed out when I grabbed taxi and walked in the house.

    Last night when I came home, I saw a glass of red wine. She prefers white and usually keeps one in the refrigerator. I did not suspect anything, had a glass of red with dinner myself, too. Around 10, she passed out watching TV. I then knew she had a lot more than usual before I came home... Probably another argument with her son that made her drink. I do not know what happened before I came back but I could only guess... There are various symptoms I have learned to discover when she has had a bit too many. If we are out, I usually bring her home, put her in bed and sigh.... She has passed out in bar few times fell asleep. It doesn't happen often but probably once a year or so.

    It must be very difficult to control your alcohol consumption when you have an issue with it. My wife seem to know it well and tries to control it a lot harder than before. I have to give her credit for that. The level is around 4 to 5 instead 8 to 9 few years ago. We used to get into arguments when she drank too much but it stopped when I do not respond to her argument. She probably doesn't remember anyway.

    As she says all the time, she is who she is and her son is who he is. It breaks my heart but I know I cannot force her to stop completely. I tried to have an intervention earlier this year but failed miserably, lost 2 friendship with her sisters that drink a lot. My wife found out what I was about to do, told her sisters a completely different lie so that they literally attacked me. I do not want to get involved with those sponsor my wife's drinking so I stopped communicating with them and I will not reconcile with them. They are doing harm to their own sister where I asked for help.

    Therefore, my various attempts have failed. My excuse is... it is not as bad as it used to be and I learned to hang with it. I even cleared out all alcohol in the house few times. I stopped drinking completely with her to support her. However, it did not last long.

    I like having a glass of wine here and there but don't have to finish the whole bottle as it gets opened. When we go out for a dinner, I have few glasses, come back home, then I go to bed where 50:50 she continues to drink and I end up finding an empty bottle in the morning. I usually do not drink during the weekdays where I drink some on Fridays and Saturdays. For my wife, it is an everyday thing. If I had too much on Friday night, then I do not want to drink the next day but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. You could force me to drink but my body says NO after a night with too much than I should have.

    Well... it seems like there are lots of things going on in my house, which is true. And my own father recently being diagnosed with a stage 4 Lymphoma... It just doesn't end... I feel like God is giving me a big test for the last few years...
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry about your father.

    If your wife is an alcoholic, and it sounds as if her family all thinks so, then she should not drink at all. You can not control drinking if you have a drinking problem. Sounds also as if she is in serious denial. Maybe you are as well. It makes sense that she is okay with her son's substance abuse since she is the same. She will not be hard on him if she also won't stop.

    I suggest Al Anon for you. You are living with two substance abusers. I am sorry. You can't stop her but you can decide whether you want to live with it or not. If you do decide to stay there are ways to cope better without enabling. Al Anon is good for all of this.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WGF, your saga continues........you really do have a lot on your plate. It certainly sounds as if your wife is an alcoholic and in the world of alcoholics, you are what is known as a "normie." I think you will see yourself in the Codependent no more book. I can see how you feel stuck, powerless and uninterested in coming home.......the bottom line truth in all of this is that you cannot change either your wife or your step son, you cannot fix them, you cannot control them and none of this is your fault. I am really sorry.

    As we've mentioned, it would be helpful for you to attend Al Anon or Families Anonymous groups. You may have to search around for a group that feels right,not all of them are good fits, but if you continue looking, you'll find the right group for you. Many parents here found not only the solace they were seeking, but the tools and the strength to make whatever changes became necessary at these 12 step groups. If that isn't your cup of tea, perhaps a therapist trained specifically in substance abuse. I was in that Codependency course I mentioned to you and since it was modeled initially for substance abusers, there was a wealth of information we were offered about substance abuse as well as mental illness and codependency. Through the same HMO substance abuse course, there is a 2 week outpatient rehab for the substance abuser, followed by a year long outpatient clinic lead by therapists. Many families entered both groups, so while the substance abuser was in the rehab, the codependent was in the codependent course. I watched many of those families begin the process of healing and thriving while I was involved. You might look into your insurance to see if anything similar is offered if you believe your wife might attend with you. As I mentioned earlier, to me it sounds as if you have a broken family system.......maybe all 3 of you might attend.

    You've hung in there a long time WGF, which we tend to do when we love folks who are impaired by addictions......and often after dealing with these issues for a long time, we hit a wall where it all just becomes out of control. When I first entered the course, you could look around and see the level of devastation and suffering we were all feeling, not knowing what to do, but recognizing we had to do something. The stories were often hard to hear, we had put up with so much for so long that it had all become our "normal." Little by little, for me, I began to learn that this was not my fault and I couldn't control it and I sure couldn't change it. It was so helpful to listen to others stories so similar to mine. It was much easier to see the dilemma in their life before I could really see it in mine. And to have therapists trained in addictions and mental illness, kindly call me on my faulty thinking right there in the moment so I could identify my own denial and resistance to change, was invaluable. Very often I had no idea I could even feel differently than I was feeling, I could hear myself saying at times, "It's okay to do that? It's okay to feel that way? I don't have to do that?" Those interruptions in my thinking were invaluable, it opened the door for me to think differently, to recognize there were quite a few different ways to feel, other options to address the same situation. I learned that I mattered and that what I wanted was important.....but first I had to determine what it was exactly that I wanted since I was so spring loaded to supply others with what they needed first, my needs were often so buried I wasn't aware of them. The course showed me how to identify my own needs, how to communicate in ways where I got heard, how to identify appropriate boundaries and how to put those boundaries into action.

    I think the way through this for you WGF, is for you to seek whatever support you can, wherever you can, so that you begin to identify a path that feels right to you where your needs and feelings are considered. Once you find your way there, how you deal with your wife and your step son will become apparent. Whatever way you choose, YOU will be part of the equation, not simply someone who supplies those around you with all that they need. That shift changed my life. I had to be willing to change, to open to a different focus, a focus placed on me first and out of that the hard choices I needed to make became clear.

    Thanks for sharing your story, I know it can be difficult, but at the same time, it's liberating not to hold it inside and try to do it alone.
     
  10. There's definitely a dialogue going on between my stepson and his mother. I heard my wife having a long conversation with her mom and one of her sisters concerning my stepson. They seem to realize that it has reached to a point that someone will have to make a hard decision soon. My stepson doesn't come back home until very late at night everyday to avoid any contacts with my wife or me continues. Last night, my wife kind of passed out again around 10 but woke up, went to her son's room and then came back in around midnight. I pretended as if I were sleeping. My wife closed the bedroom door so I could not hear anything what they talked. It has been going on for about 2 weeks. I have no idea what the subjects are though. I know that my wife says the same things consistently. 1. Get a real job. Delivering pizza will not do it. 2. Exercise and eat healthy food. 3. Find people that could give him positive impact such as join a basketball league, find a job at a big restaurant that he could make money, tips and make friends that are in similar situation as he is in. 4. Go back to school, any school but he's already taken 2 year break. The longer break is, it is harder to go back.

    All those things have been said since day 1 when he came back. NOTHING in OUTCOME. My wife's signature move... A Threat.... She does that to her son and everyone including me. However, it doesn't work with her son and no longer has the same effects as it used to be towards me, either. I have heard "How many times did I kick you out of the house?" "Why do you think that you deserve a room in the new house?" when we moved this year. She kicked him out to relatives but came back anyway. She ended up paying for the 2 1/2 month vacation the way I see it. He left saying "I think I hit the bottom" Mother said "Hope you really figure out what you would like to do with your life over there as you could go to a school up there and work" 3 months later, things came back to the same point. He returned with no remorse.

    I just hope that current dialogue will make a difference this time as I will carefully watch. I think not even putting a phony effort to give out a simple Christmas card, thanking to the members of the family hit the bell on my wife. Who knows. She knows my patience ran out long ago, has nowhere to defend for her son's action to me as she now tries to remind me that he is who he is and nothing shocks me anymore as our relationship is deteriorating.

    I will have to deal with another holiday weekend, which I am not really thrilled..... We shall see.
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope your wife is in the planning stages of change too.

    I also hope you can find some joy in the holiday weekend, a little bit of peace and calm in the stormy sea of your life. While you can't change them, my wish for you is that you dedicate some time doing something you truly enjoy, something that brings a smile to your face and a spring to your step.....you've been in a tough spot for a long time......I think it's time for you to give to yourself.

    I hope the New Year brings you love WGF.......peace and love......
     
  12. OK. I survived the New Year's long weekend without drama. My stepson continues to avoid any contact with his mother as it has been for last few weeks. I found his room empty but light on and fan going on full speed on Friday again. I took the remote for the light and fan out of the room, told my wife I took it out. My wife agreed with my action as she has seen it happening for years and nothing changed.. She told me she was about to take the batteries out anyway... Well, my step son has not come to ask for remote where he was taking other remotes in the house to see if one of them works on his room's. Nothing... I guess mother had it enough talking to him as she gets stepped over again and again. As we sat in the living room watching TV, stepson came in and went out few times. However, he did not say anything but mumbled hi and bye to his mother. His mother did not even look at him and say things.. My wife did not tell me but I feel that she gave him an ultimatum of some sort and they fought. With my previous experience, mother told him to find a place to live or something similar and he must have said WHY. I just hope that my wife understands the fact that her son is making everyone in the house miserable. I do not want to put one person on the hot spot or blame on the particular person but that is exactly what happened. Before he came back, issues were very minimal and normal... Mother screaming at son on the phone as he would refuse to get a job at school but demanding money every week. For 2 year's party at school with academic suspension (He might have been kicked out due to low GPA and lack of credits, who knows), mother had to go back to work in 6 years as I refused to pay his loan and party money. We are still paying for his 2 year party stint. It is terrible... I wrote down key moments, incidents going back to his high school days just in case we have to sit down. He will say as he has always been that he's done nothing wrong. Unless I confront with facts at his face, he will not change his tone of his voice.

    About 3 weeks ago, my wife told him in the kitchen, "Your step father got you the driver's permit (he could not pass a dummy online exam and failed 4 times and wasted hundreds of dollars so I did it with him next to me and passed), he bought you the nicest car for you (yes. I bought him a brand new car with fully loaded options), always gave you right advise. However, you screwed up every single time. With the car? we asked you very simple things but you could not even respect the simple rules. You had to go back to Florida to finish your senior year as you asked where you barely went to classes, junked another car. School? same thing. Your step father told you which classes to take and told you step by step. He even told you that you could take Summer classes at a local community college to pass few classes you could not pass at your own school. He tried to help you all the time but you had never showed an effort. When you had to come home after being kicked out of school, we really expected that you would come back with your tail in between your legs and apologize. However, your attitude was ridiculous, totally opposite and you still do not listen to what I say.. You had another chance to prove yourself when you went to Cape. However, that was another party time extended and you got kicked out from your own aunts, grandpa and grandma. There has been nothing positive that you showed to me in years. You did all this. You had everything. You could have become anything you wished for. There have been so much support from everyone but you never took anything seriously!!!!!..." She went on and on for a while.

    My wife had sore throat over the weekend so we did not have to go out on New Year's eve. Everything went smoothly and there was no fight. Thank god... There will be another thing coming up as schools will start soon and he will not be going to one as mother clearly mentioned that going to a school was one of the rules... His excuses for the last 2 years will no longer applicable and have expired in my humble opinion. That was one of the main focus from my wife, to get him back to school which he has no interest.
     
  13. There's a tension in the house... The above post is something I missed to post yesterday.

    Yesterday, my wife was drinking but not excessively so it was ok on that part but was on the border line from ok to trouble. I survived.. Her son came in and they talked again... He had another package delivered. Another thing of his lavish purchase. When I saw the package, I did not say or comment on it. He leaves his shoes by the front door although his mother reminds him to take them to his room. When I see more than a pair, I put if on the middle of the stairs so he could pick them up on the way to his room. His size is 13 so the shoes are huge. He leaves them on the stairs for days but finally picked them up last night.

    I have not asked my wife what they are discussing and I will NOT ask her. She will not be happy talking about anything concerning her son so I do not want to go there. I remain Switzerland (Mutual), not making any opinions and suggestions anymore. Let it be for few weeks as things will blow up as I can sense it. I do not think either of them knows that the health insurance is canceled yet. We shall see. My wife can purchase his health insurance through her work although it would cost extra money. She will have to change her insurance as well in order to get him under her policy. Currently, everyone in the family is under my insurance which is around $2800 a month for a full coverage (Health, Dental, Vision) which my company pays for. I am not sure what she will do but if she changes her policy, I will say something. Cover California by Obama care seems not too expensive and he could definitely afford it if he cuts down on spending on expensive purchases and weed that he consumes. My wife and I went to a dispensary to check it out and were shocked that there are so many different kinds to get high with pot. There are so many different kinds of edibles, regular plants and extract stuff such as oil, wax and other things my step son uses. They were the strongest among any kind and most expensive. I could calculate that he could spend hundreds on a week for that.. That was mind blowing to see all of those. It was like a supermarket for weed products.

    Anyway, this is my diary of today.... Cross my fingers that things will not get blown out soon...
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Reading along WGF. Hoping in the midst of all of it that you are doing something kind for yourself too....
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hope there are some positive changes in your life in 2017!
     
  16. OK. It's been a while since I put an update what's going on in our house.
    Stepson continues to do whatever he wants to do. Avoid any contacts with the family members but mother tries to communicate with him.
    I overheard last week that mother wanted to see her son's finance details in his bank account. I am sure with his smoking habits and lavish purchases, he doesn't have any money saved. Mother doesn't talk about it as it would escalate to a "Debate" so she doesn't open it up with me.
    In addition to that, I do not have to know the details as I know already. My stepson is extremely predictable and my guess will have 99% accuracy for sure. It was last Friday but I could sense that it did not go well. So next phase begins.

    On Sunday night, I saw my wife trying to get into her son's room late at night. She told me she found him doing push ups at 2 in the morning and in the bathroom for a long period of time at 3AM. I did not say anything as it already left my mind. The more I get involved and try to offer solutions, it gets ugly. It always has been like that so I am out and happy. I do not like talking to a wall. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I stopped being an enabler. Mother started the book but stopped at page 76 for a week. I do not think she will read the book and get herself to understand the situation. Her problem with drinking continues as well. We had a friend to join us on Friday night and literally had to carry her out of the bar. It happens about twice that she passes out. I have become an excellent on this over the years so when she tries to argue, which is the very first sign, I ignore and wait until she falls asleep. Nothing can stop her from drinking and she doesn't see it as a huge problem where she thinks it is under control, let it be. I will not make her drinking get me upset as it used to. I will have to take care of myself, too.

    As expected, my stepson must have told his mother that he is seriously depressed. That is another card he loves to play as mother buys it 100%. He has used that depression card few times, went to see a psychiatrist, got prescription medication and marijuana license. It is another excuse to being in bed until 1 in the afternoon. I have been depressed and taking medication for a while. I do not have to sleep until 1 in the afternoon and blaming things on my depression. I would love to if I could do that and still keep the whole house running. I have other important obligations for the family and have no choice but to suck it up and face the reality.

    I wake up in the morning, take the dogs out for a walk, feed them before heading to work. It is called priority in your life whether you suffer from depression or not. When my wife said to me his son is very depressed last night, I did not say anything but in my mind 'He's playing that card again and of course she is buying it again' It made me angry but did not say anything. My stepson is playing a pity card to stay as long as he can.... At the same time, my options are getting narrow as well. I have to prepare myself for the worst... I can do this...

    All I want is that a young man could go out, design his life on his way and move on. I want him out of the house so that other people in the house can breathe. The house is full of toxic negative energy. I am glad I cancelled his medical insurance. Mother and son either don't know it yet or do not want to confront me. I have 200 answers why I cancelled it plus gave a notice before.

    Life throws curve balls here and there. You have to learn how to hit curve balls.

    Have a great day friends.
     
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    All you can do is take care of yourself.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes.

    Keep posting and reading and doing what you need to do to be okay.
     
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there WGF. I'm rootin' for you.
     
  19. OK... Survived another weekend... I feel like I am writing a "Fiction Novel". Wife went on a serious drinking run for few days and it really hurt me to witness for 4 days in a row. She literally passed out early night for 4 straight days... On the date night on Saturday, she stayed in the bathroom for 30 minutes. Sunday morning while I was taking a shower, my wife came in to bathroom and said "Alcohol isn't working at all for me and I need to cut down and stop" When she said that, it really made my day. I was miserable for few days going through because of her drinking due to 1. She drinks everyday anyway. 2. Her dialogue between her son makes her very upset. As usual, I did not say anything but she questioned me that I was not in a good mood. I almost said "Do you even know what I have to deal with when you drink and witness all the things happen?" but I did not. When I see that she had too much, it is better to leave her alone as she will try to get into arguments whatever I say. I learned my lesson.

    My wife tried to confront me on Friday regarding canceling her son's health insurance. She said we discussed it but I did not give the exact date. I told her I sent out a message to her son in July that the insurance would be cancelled so that he needed to find Obama care or whatever. Gave him 5 months to prepare as I finally canceled it at the end of December. It is not something I did it out of nowhere. She sent me "not nice" texts but I replied with explanations.

    My wife agreed and made no more comments. I have not seen my stepson for over a week so no idea what he's up to. Since my wife is very upset, I assume that things aren't going well between the two. I saw my wife going in and out his room a lot more these days, therefore they are in some sort of communication. I see her checking up on him constantly. I just hope she gives him right advise and make him a responsible 22 year old. I know he would not stop smoking and other substance (I do not have proof but am sure he is on something) but hope that son knows his mother is worried. My wife stopped discussing things regarding her son with me as I always give out straight, constant things that she knows that I will not bend. He doesn't come home early at nights and it has been like that for a while. My prediction is that he doesn't want to participate in any family activities (in a protest mode) and doesn't want to hear any things from his mother in person. Mother believes that he works late at night delivering dominos but I know he isn't. On the final stretch to Super Bowl and NBA is in the middle of season, he will not work. NBA and NFL are the most important things besides smoking. If he really woke up and worked as his mother believes, I am really happy for him and support him. His expensive taste in clothes, shoes and other things have not stopped. I just saw a box with "Bape" T shirts. I deal with that brand for my business so I know how much they are. $120 - $200 T shirts and "Supreme" stuff that he loves... I saw that he sold his brand new x-box. He shouted at us few years ago when mother confronted him dealing with "Craig's List" and strangers keep coming to our house. He said to us "You have no idea what I do and how much money I could make through the site. I could make $5000 easily a month trading things on Craig's List" Well... if you can make that much cash, then move out, do whatever you want and design your own life instead of living under parent's roof when you are 22 is what I say....

    Kids go through lots of things as everyone does until you literally mature. I was a spoiled rotten for years but had to obey, follow and listen to parents on the other side. He only wants everything on his term that makes confrontation. I do not think he realizes it yet.

    I am going on a business trip this week so I will not be there if something happens. Crossing my fingers nothing happens...
     
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you understand that Your wife is as addicted as her son? How can SHE tell him to quit and expect him to listen when she is an alcoholic who does it openly?

    I am sorry for what you deal with between those two. Please be nice to yourself and go to Al Anon. Do you want this for you and your kids for this to keep being your lives? You wife has to do more than say she can't drink so much. She needs to get professional help as much as her son does. Both are very sick.

    Please have a safe trip.