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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You are setting a boundary that YOU need. Good for you! Stick to it and stand strong.
I am glad to read this.
And, yes your boundary is a good one, state it clearly and if you have to, do it. You've done enough.
Go have some fun and enjoy your life!
WannabeAgoodFather
Member
Updates...
Stepson arrived in Tampa well... I happened to looked at his text messages with his mother. Even the day before he left, he asked his mother if she had money to give him... I made sure our bank account had "0" balance so that she could not have given him any... Mother kept on texting him, demanding things like get a job first, enroll in school and whole nine yards.. There is not much positive reply from him. He always says yes or I will do it tomorrow... Who knows what is really happening. My wife again asked me to put him under our health insurance again for the second time via text and I did not even reply. If she said to me in person, I know I would have said "He could buy his own insurance. Why would I put him back to my plan where I know he will get Xanax or klonopin and then snort them?" Thank God it did not go there. I sent an email to one of my wife's sisters telling her about the health insurance and I wouldn't do it hoping everyone understands... I am not going to help an enabling mother. He is on his own and hopefully knows that he is not coming back all the way to California from Florida again. Do I think he hit the bottom and realizes the current situation? I really doubt that. I know for sure he will try to make his mother feel horrible but I am not budging a step. My life, my happiness and our marriage are all important and just one person ruining it cannot be tolerated. I may have lost my stepson forever, but tried to save my marriage and moving things forward. Youngest one is graduating tomorrow and we will have our house by ourselves and animals only. I hope we could patch things up and work on our relationship. Next project is her drinking which she is 100% aware of and trying to get better.
Stepson arrived in Tampa well... I happened to looked at his text messages with his mother. Even the day before he left, he asked his mother if she had money to give him... I made sure our bank account had "0" balance so that she could not have given him any... Mother kept on texting him, demanding things like get a job first, enroll in school and whole nine yards.. There is not much positive reply from him. He always says yes or I will do it tomorrow... Who knows what is really happening. My wife again asked me to put him under our health insurance again for the second time via text and I did not even reply. If she said to me in person, I know I would have said "He could buy his own insurance. Why would I put him back to my plan where I know he will get Xanax or klonopin and then snort them?" Thank God it did not go there. I sent an email to one of my wife's sisters telling her about the health insurance and I wouldn't do it hoping everyone understands... I am not going to help an enabling mother. He is on his own and hopefully knows that he is not coming back all the way to California from Florida again. Do I think he hit the bottom and realizes the current situation? I really doubt that. I know for sure he will try to make his mother feel horrible but I am not budging a step. My life, my happiness and our marriage are all important and just one person ruining it cannot be tolerated. I may have lost my stepson forever, but tried to save my marriage and moving things forward. Youngest one is graduating tomorrow and we will have our house by ourselves and animals only. I hope we could patch things up and work on our relationship. Next project is her drinking which she is 100% aware of and trying to get better.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Glad you stood up to him and wife.
Unfortunately, the only way your wife will get better is to quit completely. Alcoholosm requires no alcohol at all to really get healthy. She needs treatment.
Good luck and enjoy the empty nest!!
Unfortunately, the only way your wife will get better is to quit completely. Alcoholosm requires no alcohol at all to really get healthy. She needs treatment.
Good luck and enjoy the empty nest!!
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
Also, depending on how much your wife drinks, it may be unsafe for her to quit on her own.
Please insist that she be evaluated by a doctor skilled in dealing with addictions. Alcohol withdrawal is one of the two drug withdrawals that can KILL a person.
For that reason, alcohol withdrawal needs be done in-patient and needs to be medically supervised. Usually it requires the use of medication to prevent seizures, and psychological effects of withdrawal.
I know it sounds strange, but quitting cold turkey may hurt her unless she is under medical supervision. Alcoholism is a bear.
Please insist that she be evaluated by a doctor skilled in dealing with addictions. Alcohol withdrawal is one of the two drug withdrawals that can KILL a person.
For that reason, alcohol withdrawal needs be done in-patient and needs to be medically supervised. Usually it requires the use of medication to prevent seizures, and psychological effects of withdrawal.
I know it sounds strange, but quitting cold turkey may hurt her unless she is under medical supervision. Alcoholism is a bear.
Lost in sadness
Active Member
HI
I understand how hard this is for you. My son has become a complete waster due to smoking pot. He was doing what the hell he liked in our house for nearly two years. My husband felt like you. In the end it started to effect our marriage too. His view was that there were four people living in our house, all were unhappy but one of them was the instigator and he ruled. It got where my husband said he was not going to put up with it anymore. No ifs, no buts. He was done. We asked my son to leave.
Of course, it was easier for him being his step father than me but I realised I stood to lose everything I loved and my son would probably still not change. To date, nothing has changed with my son BUT the three of us get to come home to peace and quiet and are very happy. Maybe time to take a stand. Good luck. xx
I understand how hard this is for you. My son has become a complete waster due to smoking pot. He was doing what the hell he liked in our house for nearly two years. My husband felt like you. In the end it started to effect our marriage too. His view was that there were four people living in our house, all were unhappy but one of them was the instigator and he ruled. It got where my husband said he was not going to put up with it anymore. No ifs, no buts. He was done. We asked my son to leave.
Of course, it was easier for him being his step father than me but I realised I stood to lose everything I loved and my son would probably still not change. To date, nothing has changed with my son BUT the three of us get to come home to peace and quiet and are very happy. Maybe time to take a stand. Good luck. xx
Thanks for the update.
I'm glad you're holding your ground. I hope you're feeling better all around. You deserve happiness.
For your information, here in CA. Kaiser has a program for substance abuse and codependency. They offer it in quite a number of their facilities. Often, the substance abuser and codependent enter the program together. It is an excellent course which goes for about a year. I took the course and stayed through three phases of the codependency course......it changed my life. I effectively learned how to deal with my own codependency issues mostly through the therapist lead support group which coincidentally had other parents of mentally ill adult children in it as well as parents/spouses of substance abusers. Attending the course helped to shift my responses in ways which supported ME..... and my life shifted out of focusing on "others" to focusing on myself........I cannot emphasize how profoundly important that is. If you are a member, you might look into it. Both you and your wife might find real benefit/healing in the course.
It sounds as if you've begun a new outlook and a new life. Change is difficult, it requires a commitment, which you have, and a willingness and intention to do whatever it takes, which it sounds like you've developed over time. Stay the course, get support, put yourself as the priority and make finding YOUR peace and joy the priority, you deserve that.
Sending warm wishes for this next part of your journey.......
I'm glad you're holding your ground. I hope you're feeling better all around. You deserve happiness.
For your information, here in CA. Kaiser has a program for substance abuse and codependency. They offer it in quite a number of their facilities. Often, the substance abuser and codependent enter the program together. It is an excellent course which goes for about a year. I took the course and stayed through three phases of the codependency course......it changed my life. I effectively learned how to deal with my own codependency issues mostly through the therapist lead support group which coincidentally had other parents of mentally ill adult children in it as well as parents/spouses of substance abusers. Attending the course helped to shift my responses in ways which supported ME..... and my life shifted out of focusing on "others" to focusing on myself........I cannot emphasize how profoundly important that is. If you are a member, you might look into it. Both you and your wife might find real benefit/healing in the course.
It sounds as if you've begun a new outlook and a new life. Change is difficult, it requires a commitment, which you have, and a willingness and intention to do whatever it takes, which it sounds like you've developed over time. Stay the course, get support, put yourself as the priority and make finding YOUR peace and joy the priority, you deserve that.
Sending warm wishes for this next part of your journey.......
WannabeAgoodFather
Member
OK. It's been more than 2 months since my stepson left for FL. 2 Weeks ago, he got in touch with his mother saying he enrolled in a school and got a job at a restaurant... It really relieved my wife as she could not sleep for a long time. As expected, my stepson disappeared from the radar and my wife could not get in touch with him. After sending him a text message that she'd call the local police in FL to check on him then he answered. He isn't working, still living in his friend's house and did not want to talk to his mother. My mother in law happens to be in town with us and told my wife to just let it go, make him figure out and it is not our fault at all how he became. Mother in law said what I wanted to say so I was relieved... Nothing else is changed... We just hope he will attend school as he said he signed up (mother paying for it again), start working to support his living expenses and sober up... I really think it is a long shot but who knows? He should have woken up and smell the coffee by now. I do not know how he survived last 2 months as we all know that he never saved money he should have... I have lots of questions in my head but not saying a thing. Let us see how this progresses in a month...
I hope you and your wife have emerged from the chaos and are finding ways to enjoy life separate from your step son's life choices. I hope the distance has provided you with some peace and comfort.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I admire you and how you are handling this. I feel such compassion for your wife. Is there any chance she might post?
WannabeAgoodFather
Member
Long time no talk here...
1. Stepson
As constant attacking from mother, I reinstated the health insurance knowing that could send a wrong message. I contacted the insurance company whether I could put a restriction on prescriptions. They said NO. He's 22 so I can't find out what he's taking. As soon as he found out that he has health insurance, he went to the doctor, got prescription. Right before he left our house, he got caught crushing Klonopin and snorted it instead of taking it for his claim "I have a severe anxiety" I do not buy it. Whatever he says to his mother, I do not fall for it. His mother secretly paid for his medication. Having a job can't pay $10 for medications? It doesn't make any sense.
2. Mother/Wife
Her drinking has had ups and downs but never stopped. After numerous incidents, she fell asleep on the toilet for 2 hrs and fell on the side last Saturday night. I think that was the bottom that she hit. I asked her few times but she refused to go to see a doctor. She went to ER by herself and got CT scan. It came out OK. She finally left a note and checked herself into a rehab. She accused me of having an affair over a text message to my old friend that I had not seen for 4+ years. when she is being cornered, she always finds something to attack me instead.
I think family is already torn apart and I am not doing it anymore. I am really considering to end this for my well being once she gets out of rehab. I called the facility and they could not even confirm me if she's there and hung up on me.
1. Stepson
As constant attacking from mother, I reinstated the health insurance knowing that could send a wrong message. I contacted the insurance company whether I could put a restriction on prescriptions. They said NO. He's 22 so I can't find out what he's taking. As soon as he found out that he has health insurance, he went to the doctor, got prescription. Right before he left our house, he got caught crushing Klonopin and snorted it instead of taking it for his claim "I have a severe anxiety" I do not buy it. Whatever he says to his mother, I do not fall for it. His mother secretly paid for his medication. Having a job can't pay $10 for medications? It doesn't make any sense.
2. Mother/Wife
Her drinking has had ups and downs but never stopped. After numerous incidents, she fell asleep on the toilet for 2 hrs and fell on the side last Saturday night. I think that was the bottom that she hit. I asked her few times but she refused to go to see a doctor. She went to ER by herself and got CT scan. It came out OK. She finally left a note and checked herself into a rehab. She accused me of having an affair over a text message to my old friend that I had not seen for 4+ years. when she is being cornered, she always finds something to attack me instead.
I think family is already torn apart and I am not doing it anymore. I am really considering to end this for my well being once she gets out of rehab. I called the facility and they could not even confirm me if she's there and hung up on me.
I'm sorry you're still going thru all of the heartache of loving a substance abuser and having a troubled step son (who is also a substance abuser). I've wondered how you've been faring.
For many of us here, we have to hit our own "rock bottom" the same as our kids or loved ones who are mentally ill or addicts. Once we, as enablers, hit that bottom, it is usually the beginning of change. As is often said around here, nothing changes until something changes. You've been living on hope that others will change, it's a desperate place to be, we have no control over others, all you can do is learn to respond differently, let go, detach from their behaviors and choices and accept what you can't change. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Your wife and her son have a dysfunctional relationship and all of you are in a broken family system. Without acknowledgement of the issues, nothing will change. Perhaps in Rehab your wife will learn about how her addiction keeps the broken system going. Maybe not. However, whatever your wife decides to do, however your step son behaves, you must find a way to take care of you. We used to say in the 60's, if you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. You're part of the broken system. Find your way out, either by actually leaving, or by stopping your enabling of your wife and step son. Learn about boundaries to take care of yourself. You appear to be the scape goat in the broken system. Get yourself out of that role, one way or the other.
I know how hard this is. Take care of YOU now.
For many of us here, we have to hit our own "rock bottom" the same as our kids or loved ones who are mentally ill or addicts. Once we, as enablers, hit that bottom, it is usually the beginning of change. As is often said around here, nothing changes until something changes. You've been living on hope that others will change, it's a desperate place to be, we have no control over others, all you can do is learn to respond differently, let go, detach from their behaviors and choices and accept what you can't change. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Your wife and her son have a dysfunctional relationship and all of you are in a broken family system. Without acknowledgement of the issues, nothing will change. Perhaps in Rehab your wife will learn about how her addiction keeps the broken system going. Maybe not. However, whatever your wife decides to do, however your step son behaves, you must find a way to take care of you. We used to say in the 60's, if you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. You're part of the broken system. Find your way out, either by actually leaving, or by stopping your enabling of your wife and step son. Learn about boundaries to take care of yourself. You appear to be the scape goat in the broken system. Get yourself out of that role, one way or the other.
I know how hard this is. Take care of YOU now.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Wait...I thought stepson moved away?
There is NEVER A REASON to snort Klonopin. I hate that word even. That was my son's drug of choice.
I agree. You've had enough of this dysfunctional duo.
Maybe a separation would do you some good. Maybe try that to start out....
There is NEVER A REASON to snort Klonopin. I hate that word even. That was my son's drug of choice.
I agree. You've had enough of this dysfunctional duo.
Maybe a separation would do you some good. Maybe try that to start out....
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
OK. I just did some checking on this, and Klonopin, like most other benzos, isn't really effective when snorted.
The only effect he is getting is from the 'drip" down into his stomach. They are meant to be swallowed as they aren't water soluble.
He is also messing up his nasal passages, as with snorting any pills.
The only effect he is getting is from the 'drip" down into his stomach. They are meant to be swallowed as they aren't water soluble.
He is also messing up his nasal passages, as with snorting any pills.
WannabeAgoodFather
Member
Yes. stepson moved to FL. He's attending a community college, taking couple of classes and working according to mother. Do I believe in everything he says? Probably 15%. According to him, snorting Klonopin gives him short but instant high. Who knows?
My wife has checked into a rehab yesterday. It's a 28 day program where they allow cell phones and computer. She didn't return my texts last night so I will not bother to send another. We both moved to CA from out of state so there is no family members here. I do not know how she will come out but I am frankly fed up with this. I have never personally experienced this type of dilemma. Second marriage brought the package that I thought I would never have to face. I lost my happiness, positive thinking and gained serious depression and unhappiness. I can't do this for my parents as father is recovering from Lymphoma with 8 rounds of chemo and mother exhausted taking care of my father 10,000 miles away. I am lonely without family, there is no one to talk to, and feel like running out of options here.
My wife has checked into a rehab yesterday. It's a 28 day program where they allow cell phones and computer. She didn't return my texts last night so I will not bother to send another. We both moved to CA from out of state so there is no family members here. I do not know how she will come out but I am frankly fed up with this. I have never personally experienced this type of dilemma. Second marriage brought the package that I thought I would never have to face. I lost my happiness, positive thinking and gained serious depression and unhappiness. I can't do this for my parents as father is recovering from Lymphoma with 8 rounds of chemo and mother exhausted taking care of my father 10,000 miles away. I am lonely without family, there is no one to talk to, and feel like running out of options here.
Is there a way you could go stay with your parents, take a time out? Sometimes a break from the everyday mundane stuff gives us a fresh perspective. Plus you'd be with family, you'd be surrounded by love.....that alone will make you feel better. And, you'd be helping out your Mom.
I just received a text from a good friend, having told her that we were here on Kauai looking at places to live. She said, "you've been looking at this for a long time...... forever is getting shorter and shorter"......She's right, our time on earth is getting shorter, how do we want to spend it?
You deserve to have happiness, you deserve to have peace and joy and to wake up each day excited to be alive. When we are not in that place, then choices must be made.
Take care of YOU now. What is it that YOU want? Answer that question and then go take action. It's your life.....take it.
I just received a text from a good friend, having told her that we were here on Kauai looking at places to live. She said, "you've been looking at this for a long time...... forever is getting shorter and shorter"......She's right, our time on earth is getting shorter, how do we want to spend it?
You deserve to have happiness, you deserve to have peace and joy and to wake up each day excited to be alive. When we are not in that place, then choices must be made.
Take care of YOU now. What is it that YOU want? Answer that question and then go take action. It's your life.....take it.
It'sbeentoolong
Member
I hope someone pointed out to your wife that it is far easier for a 22-year-old who has been enabled to get his life together than a 30 or 40-year-old. Maybe she would agree to go to Al Anon. Maybe you could go to Al Anon. Some of this behavior reminds me when I was married to the man who was the stepfather to my son. The harder he pushed, the more protective I became. I have no idea what you are like, but my ex was an alcoholic who resented my son just because. Some of his resentment has indeed caused some of my son's problems today. (Please don't think I'm inferring this is your case). That was just what my situation was like. What I wonder might be similar though is the harder you push, the more protective she may become. I don't think you will be able to convince her yourself. Maybe Al Anon for both of you, or just you. Maybe it will be you that ends up making decisions to take care of you. I wish my ex would have cared so much as you do.
