Newbie

OK. Things maybe taking a turn in my house.

My wife not drinking much, which makes me feel so much better to start and I heard her saying to her son loud and clear.

My stepson planned (This is always in place but no action has ever taken). Mother said "Ever since you came back to move in 2 years ago, you have not proved anything. You said you would go back to school as you wanted to but nothing has accomplished." Mother found out that son kept on telling her he had application to take classes but again failed to take any action so classes already started. Therefore, this time mother said he is going to take classes to become a X-ray technician. She told he son there is no other choice he has and he would have to sign up as it is starting in February. After listening to their conversation, I asked her.
"I hope you know that most of those schools like pharmacy schools take drug test during the school and once you get a job, they go through drug test and even you have a medical marijuana license, it doesn't mean anything but they will not hire him" Mother said "Ever since he started smoking, nothing good happened. It is not for everyone where some people can function well and does whatever needed. It is not his case where everything went on to free fall. It just doesn't work for him" I said I am glad to know that she is aware of it.

The question is, will he enroll the school despite the fact that he will have to stop smoking? I seriously doubt that. Mother said either he goes to school full time, get a real job to support himself although she insisted that she'd pay his tuition or he will have to pack and leave. From my experience, what she is saying will not last as son will try to find a card to tweak her decision. Anyway, at least a positive conversation for him is in place. At this stage and what I have witnessed, it will not happen. I hope it will happen but the chance and the pattern tells me it will not. He would rather find another job and move out. Whatever it is, I do not really care at this moment. I have so many other things to worry about. My father finished 5 rounds of chemo out of 6 and fighting cancer, youngest one waiting for college acceptance letters, stress from my work and I am more depressed than before. Drama just continues. Youngest went to NY to spend the long weekend with his filthy rich mother would not do any good for me as he will come back with attitude that I will have to deal with for next 2 months. When does this end? His mother buys him 10 $600 t shirts from Givenchy where I could barely buy him new tennis sneakers for his final season in high school. My father suggested me that I should let my youngest one go and do whatever he wants to do as far as college is concerned. I'd want to keep him near me, sending him to a State School. Berkley or UCLA is in his reach but his first choice is USC with $71,000/yr or U of Michigan for $50K+. Berkley and UCLA are as good as those schools that he wants to attend but I just can't afford it. When I got divorced, I literally gave every single penny to his mother including 2 multi million dollar houses that were fully paid off plus whatever I had in my bank account just to get the custody for my both kids with her. My father said I did what I had to for getting the custody but did not think about this consequences in a longer term. I ended up not having any spare money for myself for retirement as all the left over has gone to schools for my daughter and tried to keep the house in order. We cut down dramatically in terms of spending and lifestyle in order to face the new World that I had never lived. It is ok. We are not homeless... Instead of living in a mansion, we live in a smaller house but I tried to teach the youngest one what real love is and how to act like a real man.... It was a painful experience for the last 8 years but I am proud of myself and will not hesitate to do it again whether I have obscene amount of cash in the bank account or fight for the next paycheck.

Problems don't disappear where one after another pops up like weed on the grass....

My depression comes and goes... Sometimes, it gets worse and puts me into a bad mode.. I shut down... I see that one coming where I get into a bla mode... I have not taken a vacation since 2013. Vacation costs money plus I lose the opportunity to get paid for unused vacation. Wife, so used to take fancy vacation seldom tells me she wants to go here and there... I listen to it but inside of my head is like "Really? Is that what you want to tell me in this stage of life???"
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Your wofe mau drink less for now but alcoholocs CAN MOT dronk at all. Tje less wont last.

There is only pne wau to emd your craxy life. Take your kids amd leave and tje crazy will be done. There is mo wau to stay and not have this as your lige. So those ate rrally your only chpices and of courde it is up to one person only....you. there is mp in between here. Both wofe and her son are ovet the top drama.

I hope your father gsts well and that you decide with clarify what to do for ypur sanity.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
When I read your posts WBGF I am taken aback by how much you give and how little you receive, especially in terms of care and love.

It sounds as if you are all alone in a room full of addicted narcissists (not including your youngest who is just young). I feel for you, but you are the only one who can change the situation. You seem to be waiting for your wife and your step son to change. That is an act of futility, frustration and chaos which usually leads to resentments and perhaps in your case, depression. I don't think we're meant to be in connections where there is no reciprocity, we're meant to be in connections where there is a balance of give and take, however, you seem to be in only one kind of connection, those around you take, you give. At some point I imagine, you will burn out on all of it, or get sick or blow up.......I don't think we can sustain that level of imbalance for the long haul without doing much damage to ourselves.

Take stock of your situation realistically, make a list of the pros and cons of your connections. And, please, find some support, generally it takes people outside of our usual sphere of influence to really see the truth of what we are doing.....otherwise we don't see it, it remains out of our awareness and we stay stuck. Al Anon, therapy, a pastor/priest, a counselor or trusted friend, anyone who will actually tell you what they see and hear. You seem to be mired in enabling on every front. Have you read Codependent no More yet?

My wish for you is that you find yourself...... get yourself off of the cliff you're standing on and realize it's within your power to step back from the ledge and move on to a better place.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I have to agree with the others. This calm is only temporary. My mother was an alcoholic so I know what it's like to be around someone like that. She would go long bouts of being sober, probably six months at a time and then go back to drinking. Sadly she died at an early age (54) due to an aneurysm probably caused by high blood pressure due to drinking and smoking cigarettes. She never did get sober. Long term, your house will probably not remain calm unless there are some major changes. It's not fun to live like this and try to perform at work and keep your sanity. Everyone needs a little happiness in their life.

I would seek out help as Recovering suggest to get off the roller coaster and work on some type of plan to live a life that you want to live and are entitled to, despite what is going on around you.
 
Dear RN0441,

Sorry for hearing about your mother. The irony is.... There's non stop from things happening. As you mentioned about aneurysm, one of our dogs had a serious seizure and had to be taken to the vet right away. She is better now but the vet told us it would continue to happen so we should not freak out.
It is like I am writing a fiction novel in my house huh? I just can't add things here... I feel like I am having a bad dream... What can I do? Everything happens for a reason and I would like to know the reason... Nothing good has happened in a long time. I guess my youngest getting into school that he wants to go would be the good thing to happen in near future. Nothing surprises me anymore as I am numb to it. My wife and I went to see a movie "Lion" and we both cried a lot during the movie... I normally do not cry during the movie but last Saturday was exceptional. I just let it go... Part of it was from the movie but some of it were from my inside I guess... I look at my life.. I am only 49 but there were so many things happened. Sometimes, things were good sometimes bad.. However, this time, the bad train of bad things are running in uncontrollable speed. What now? is my feeling... There's light at the end of the tunnel as people say and I just would love to believe it although it doesn't seem to happen soon. I just take one day at a time... I feel like I am running out of time more and more as nothing surprises me anymore. Is tomorrow going to be sunny? I sincerely hope so. Would things get better? I really want to believe it. I am just trying not to stir any more drama as I am not able to handle it as I used to... I just need to breathe, go with the flow and remain sane are what I want at the moment. Literally I feel like my life is pretty chaotic and I am writing a fiction novel...
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Only you can change things. But you don't seem like you will so things will stay the same. Your wife and stepson are not going to change anytime soon so...If you don't change your situation, this may be your life forever...it is up to you. Your wife is as sick as your son. They are addicts. its not fun to live with addicts. It's nightmares and drama.

Neither seems inclined to get sober. Maybe the reason this is happening is a test of what you will do about it. Just wishing things were different isn't taking action and changes nothing. At least start going to AL Anon regularly and admit to yourself that your wife is also an addict, not just step son. Or move out with your son. Or this fiction novel will stay your reality. And it sounds awful.

If they won't change you must. Or the next thirty years could be this.

People make difficult decisions every day. Good luck!
 
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Well... It's been a while since I posted my last one.. Nothing... Absolutely NOTHING has changed in my house. Mother has been constantly giving stepson to enroll in any program that is positive like "X-Ray Technician" "EMT" "Paramedic" "Fireman" whatever doesn't even require a Bachelor's degree. I guess school is not going to happen for him and gave up. What waste of money for 2 years and she is working hard to pay for it. It's a shame. (Negative on Investment) She is even pushing her son to start with a "CPR" class certification that I have heard for 6 years.. CPR class takes only few hours according to her... He could be a lifeguard at local facility for gods sake with it... I only said one thing to the mother.. "You know any of those you mentioned that you wanted your son to do requires drug test and he has to be clean" and she says she is totally aware of it all and her son has to come clean. It is easier to be said than done. Whatever it takes, he will not give up on his habit as he claims it is legal and just weed. At this moment, I do not even know he just simply smokes weed or moved onto something else. He doesn't seem to drink alcohol but I sense that he does more than just smoking and dabbing. He doesn't come home until midnight most of days and who knows what he is up to? He has been very lucky that he has not gotten into trouble with the law yet. Cross my finger as if that happens, mother will snap...

He has no desire to do any of mother's suggestions. Why would he? He makes enough money to keep his habits, no real stress and has a home to live in without paying a cent. The only stress he has is he has to listen to his mother. He still has no drive to move forward in his life. Everything requires effort is just hassle for him. Whatever requires that he would have to put efforts, he doesn't want to do. A simple smoking marijuana has done this to a promising young boy who became an impossible 22 year old with no direction. He's been saying he would go back to school but we know he would have done so if he really thought he needed education in his resume.
I have seen lots of people around me dropped out but came back. The critical timeline is 1-2 year. If you pass 2 years without going to school, then you get very comfortable, do not have stress to go to class and take exams and stay out of school for good. I do not have the right stats but that is what I have observed with my friends and the ones near me. You start to drift and get to the place that it becomes too far once you realize you want to head back. He's been out of school for 2 years now where his friends and cousins at the same age growing up together now graduating. Mother mentioned this fact to him but there is no response. All he would say is "Of course I want to go back to school, get a job and make lots of money" but no action taken.

I am so over this issue where I have other 2 children that are pursuing their roads in right way. Oldest one going into graduate school and youngest one going in to college. Both are waiting for acceptance letters from schools where safety school's acceptance letters are in already. I think the youngest one, who has seen this saga through the years is dying to get out of the house and probably will not return just like the oldest. Financial burden for these kids' education has become my first worry now. Well known private institutions tuition and fees are up to $75K a year. I am still paying for my oldest daughter's undergrad... A big burden for me to support 2 kids where they can't get any financial aid due to my tax bracket. All the savings have gone to education and I do not regret putting myself into the situation. I can't even worry about my retirement as I will probably have to work until the day I die to pay kids' tuitions... As a father, I would like to pay for their education at least... Same as my folks did for me.

On Sunday morning at 3 AM, his room was open with lights on so I had mother to go check it out. She screamed and went on her ranting for few minutes.. I do not know what happened. She stopped telling me a while ago as I showed no interest getting involved with him in any way. I remained silent as I had nothing to say about anything. Again, I do not want to get involved anymore with this issue as it consumes me, not healthy and it doesn't get anywhere anyway. I have not spoken to him for months as I promised myself not to do so in this mess. Mother constantly reminds him that she gave him the World of chances (True) but he proved nothing. It is a same ol' things going on between the two without any solution or improvement. Mother says he would have to move out but he knows she is just saying it. Lies lies lies and endless empty promises continue. Everything is going in parallels where there is no interaction. I am numb to this as I do not have anything to give. My efforts have been nothing but waste of time and I refuse to do it anymore unless there is some sort of response. I will NOT waste any more time on this. This morning when I was taking a shower to prepare myself to come to work, something must have happened again... Mother said she failed her job as a mother. She was having an anxiety attack through the morning and I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said she didn't as it would make her cry... I said it is always better that she lets things out when needed... She did not want to do it as she knows how I would react to this issue for sure. I have been nothing but very firm, consistent and logical.

Certainly our house doesn't contain any good vibes... I try my best to be a good husband. That is all.
 
Another night he came home around 1:30 AM, left the front door unlocked, left the light on and god knows what he was doing that late with whom. My wife and I have passed the stage where we ask questions. A compulsive, pathological liars can't shoot a straight answer, they have to think about it for a second or two, then come up with bogus stories. Maybe mother buys the story but when you start lying, you have to keep lying in order to keep the original lie alive... I was an intelligence officer in the Army so I know about this. Lies will not get you far as you will get caught eventually... He has gone too far... I am not saying anything to the guy, cut my cord with him because I found myself miserable, hating myself and totally unhappy because of him. It's affecting my marriage, my happiness and my relationship with my own son. I have nothing to tell him when he asks me "Dad, would you deal with all these crazy things if I did those? I do not think so... But why do you deal with these non sense?" "This is totally toxic and he(step brother) doesn't do anything, doesn't want to do anything. I can't even have a real conversation with him. He distracts me, talking about stupid things and I just find it ridiculous why you let him go on like this" Then I say "We are a family and I love your step mother. She really loves you as you know and takes a good care of you. You will be heading out to school this Fall so there aren't that much time left so hang in there kiddo" I am afraid that my youngest baby would not come home just like his sister as he sees I deal with non sense and don't do anything about it for his perspective. I am failing in all these areas... I am measuring all the consequences in near future but for now, I could only do so little. I am only 49 years but nothing is going on the right direction. Work, House, Kids, Finance.. everything. It is like no matter what I try to do, I end up facing a wall.. It's time to take a break, not to lose my mind and relax as there are not much I could do in this World right now. Hope things will start to turn around.

Good morning friends...
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
If this were me, right off the bat, i would take my child seriously and not risk my relationship with my son. If wife were being a loving wife, thinking of best for all, yes. But she isnt. So id take my son and leave before i lost such a special bond. Its one thing to be kind and another to be a doormat at your own expense and that of your son.

I wish you luck. You are a good man who does not think of himself. You would not be a bad man if you did think about yourself.
 
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recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I read this quote the other day, "the truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing." I believe this quote to be the truth.

From over here in my perspective, you are longing for change, but it is for others to change, which you have absolutely no control over. You are the only one who can change this situation for you. It appears your youngest son can see this because his eyes are not "clouded by longing"..........however, he takes his cues from you and you are not taking care of not only yourself, but him too........

I don't know WBGF, both your bio kids don't want to be around this movie you're living......do their feelings warrant the same merit you offer your wife and step son?
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My take on it is that you really love your wife and do not want to rock the boat at home even though you sound miserable.

We all know that CHANGE is SO very hard. You have to get to a place where you literally cannot take ONE MORE DAY of the way things are.

Your biological kids will always be there and be a part of your life even if they aren't under the same roof. I think you maybe feel like you are deserting your wife and you don't want to be without her obviously no matter what the cost. That is admirable.

I do think you may want to get into therapy for yourself if she won't go. I don't see anything changing here. I would certainly need to do something but I've been through a lot so that could be why.

Maybe your coming here to vent is enough for you for right now. If so, we are here for you.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
RE, as always you say things so well. You and Susie say what I mean only much better. I wish ypu would post more.

I too feel the son is getting far less consideratipn than either wife who drinks and wont give her son consequences and horrible behaving adult stepson. Why should he get this special consideration? Why should wife? Over your son??? Does your son deserve these people???

This is a family full of major dysfunction. Your son needs to get away or he may run away from YOU. Would you blame him? What if you were the son with this crazy stepmother and stepson? Put yourself in your sons place. You arent protecting him.
You need to. Obviously nobody else will. Dont be a martyr.

Think. Lots of luck.
 
For the last 5 years, we talked about outpatient program or rehab for my wife. She backed out on it. I was about to go to a meeting for family members of alcohol addiction family member. I got threatened and was put on house arrest by my wife. When it gets really tough, she calms down on drinking for a while. However, it can never stop completely. Excessive drinking has come down to once a week from 4-5 times a week. She started to take drinking issue seriously than ever in last 7 years. She skips drinking for few days which for me is the best outcome I have seen in a long time. So there is a little progress. I am happy when I don't see an open wine bottle when I come home. I can live with that. At least she absolutely knows her problem and is trying not to abuse it.

On Codependent no more subject, I could write my own series of books. I try to give numerous suggestions together to my stepson, have been patient to guide him until his lies ran out, failed out of school then came home. Ever since day 1, we both tried to give him simple house rules and things he has to do in order to live in our house but nothing has accomplished and I threw the towel. Mother said "Where is he going to go? He only has me" "He is who he is" Well... that did not go well and she knows it is terribly wrong. I did not want to fight with my wife regarding her son so I pretend I hear nothing between their dialogues.

As an indirect approach, I bought bunch of books recommended by members here, read first and gave her few books. I asked her if she read it and said "Yes". So I am now waiting for her to take a real action.

Talking part has passed so far ago. She keeps telling her son about letting him out of the house but it has been all talk but no action so far. She did once again kicked him out to MA where her family is last year. However, stepson had to come back after 3 months because he started causing trouble to his cousins up there. So he came back. I see that she is trying hard to persuade her son but what she doesn't see or pretends not to admit is it is causing trouble to everyone. The only person doesn't see there's any problem is the son. For last few months, I could see her trying her best. She can't sleep at night anymore and is going through a really rough time. I am on a watch mode right now, not participating any. Let us see how it progress as it has a time limit.

Yes. This is the ONLY place where I could let things out... A sacred place for me. I can't talk about this to my parents where my father is going through 7th round of "Chemo" where I would just add another thing to worry for them. Their hands are full and I think I should not do that to my aging parents as a son. As I mentioned, this is like a bad dream TV series the way I feel.

On the other hand, I am looking for another job preferably out of state or country so that we could leave bad things behind. She knows I am not going anywhere with her son. If this happens, I might have to leave by myself which could happen.
 

PiscesMom

Active Member
You don't get it. Please go to al anon, please! Just. Go. Once.
I have been in your shoes. I know what it is like to spend years crying about someone's behavior. I know what it is like to get endless sympathy as well. Yes, I was a saint! Long suffering at that.
Please stop giving your wife books, or your stepson wise advice. Just stop, for now. Thats not to say their behavior is right, just that you're on the wrong track.
Please go to al anon. I promise you will feel so much better, so much lighter. You are carrying a horrible, but imaginary in some ways, load. You will start laughing again when you start going.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I dont know if youll start laughing, but youll get an idea of how you are enabling your wife and stepson.

Bring your son. Guarantee you he needs to talk too because you arent listening to him. There is no man on earth I would put before my kids unless my kid was being unreasonable and the man was caring and kind to the kids. This is not the case with your wife.

I dont get it. Please go to Al Anon or Coda for the sake of your very identity and for the sake of your son who seems not to have a voice here. He doesnt have this forum. He has nothing.
 
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PiscesMom

Active Member
Think of it this way. As hooked on alcohol as your wife is, you are hooked on codependency. And as hard as it may be for your wife to get help, same goes for you. Codependency often comes from a hurting place deep inside; you are trying to get a need met desperately by a person who cannot possibly do that.
Like attracts like.
You are in pain - you need to evolve. That is what your pain is telling you. Sounds like you have been committed to external appearances and achievements - now you need to work on your hurting heart.

Seeing other people getting over their "craziness" - and yes, you are being crazy, you just can't see it yet - will be very very helpful for you. You will help them, and they will help you.
Here is how crazy you are - you are losing your two beloved children, and yet you remain committed to your course of action!? Logically, you know you are wrong, but emotionally, you have no choice somehow, you have a deep deep compulsion to fix this. To fix the lives of two grown ups. And yet they don't seem to listen. Round and round you all go! No wonder your kids don't want to be around this!

Just like alcoholics understand each other in a way others can't - so do codependents. I knew immediately just by scanning your posts that you had not done anything. You just kept on trying to fix, trying to fix.

You are two crabs in a bucket, keeping each other stuck. Your wife's chances of getting recovery is so much better if you get into recovery yourself. And that is a fact.

You can do this!! You can find a way out. Go to meetings and find a therapist who specializes in core issues.
 
Well... as everyone expected, nothing really happens as everyone is so unhappy and youngest one is so excited about going to one of the most prestige schools. He will go to Seoul for the whole Summer then will be gone.

The toxic house somehow still functions and moves like a snail. I finally said (confronted) something where I have not for a while. I said watching your spouse passing out in bed 3 times a week isn't pleasant and waking up in the morning with smell of alcohol in the room is really difficult to handle. She got mad and went out during the day. To be honest, I was numb and did not feel anything. Que sera sera...

Problem step son, of course got away with the ultimatum that mother gave him... "If you do not attend EMT course, you will have to move out" He said he'd attend but kept putting it off. I knew from the beginning he had no intention to attend. As time came, he threw out the "depression card with cry" and mother of course bought it again. He then said he is so miserable in CA and wants to move to FL. What a great idea???? He says he wants a degree and whole 9 yards... Do I believe any of these? Absolutely not. However, moving to FL came out of his mouth first so we are doing it. He gave 2 weeks notice to his employer last Friday. Mother told him to mark his target day to move on the calendar in the kitchen. He will be gone in May. Otherwise, I am going to police to file an eviction process as I told my sister in law.

With 10000000 problems I am having, at least this will be a starting point. I do not even care about my life. I am so sick of the whole situation and nothing is going my way. I do not blame anyone but myself to put everything like this. My own kids, who are the worst on materialistic things that their mother and I were once able to provide, doesn't see anything great in their eyes coming from me anymore so I feel abandoned. Mother wins with money.... One side can afford a few thousand dollar suit for prom where my side can only afford little things.. Maybe a pair of socks? I am not bitter. I gave away every single penny I had to get the custodies of 2 children, suffered financially but am proud for what I did.

My father finished 8 rounds of chemo and trying to recover now. Every corner I look, there is an issue. Nothing is in the right place. Work is absolutely horrifying so I am constantly looking for a better place. I really hope this one position I applied for will respond. I would like to go back to Seoul and spend some time with my parents... It is not escaping but I need to gain some control plus sanity for myself. Nothing scares me anymore...

Hope the pathological lying, pot head stepson moves out so that I could breath a little better for my health now. I have tried to teach, give help and expected mother to be a big part but absolutely nothing has worked. It is depressing, disgusting and ugly how things are. Well, who knows what will happen?
Stay tuned everyone...
 
OK... I feel that my supporters kind of got tired of me not taking any actions or mother enabling the whole thing.

After learning that his options are all exhausted PLUS he got caught by his mother with cut off straws and empty little nickel Ziploc bags, there was a one day drama. He did not hesitate to deny but admitted using cocaine and snorting klonopin. His excuse was he doesn't have any friends here and drugs are so easy to find. Therefore, he decided to do drugs... What a lame and pathetic excuse to use to mother. How many times did I say and how many articles that smoking pot is a gateway drug????
Since snorting has come into reality, I really do not know where he'd go next... Heroin? Meth? He's on self destructive mode but insisting he is not an addict (duh....) and he got his sh*% together. Well... only way to prove is his next few months by himself.

Long story short, he left this morning from California to Florida where he claims he will be happy there. He has friends that he went to school with (Middle school & high school, College) in Florida. He says he will get a job, work hard and go back to school in FL. Do I believe it? Not at all... But it is not my problem at all.. I cannot solve World's problem.. I will not support any of his habit, his emergency calls or any BS that he will come up with. He is on his own and I will make sure it goes that way.

He is gone now.. It feels like I have lived in hell for the last few years. I am more than fed up, tired from all of this crap, want to get out of my depression and be happy mentally.

I am going to make sure to tell his mother that if he ever puts a step into our house, I am moving out on the same day.
 
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