NewMember - Into the frying pan, in the fire...in hell

[Nokids]

Hello all,
After reading a few posts and forum headings, I'm definitely in the right place.
I need some advice and please don't think my situation trivial. Compared to what many of you have shared, my problem isn't overwhelming but I don't know what to do....
I don't have children. I've had pets. I've had a long term partner who was like a child, unfortunately.
I've had a long term career. So, when I met a new person after being single for three years, I was careful.
She had a 16 yr old son who was by her account, "a good boy". Though she was divorced from her husband for the 8 yrs, they had an amiable relationship. He attended a prestigious private high school and apparently got 'decent' grades. When I met him, he seemed intelligent, inquisitive..a little intense. What could go wrong?!
Fast forward 2 1/2 years - the boy was administratively shuffled out of his private school when he decided to announce in his senior paper to his class that he was a budding pedophile. Luckily it was reviewed by a teacher and caught. His mom transferred him to a local public school, set him up with psychologist and regular sessions. The boy seemed to do well at the new school, tried out for basketball, had a girlfriend, went to prom, wanted a job, got very good grades..... for a semester. Then it really blew up. Turned out he had been predating on underage girls on a myriad of dating websites for more than 5 years. Finally he managed to meet a couple girls in person and blackmailed them into sex. 12 yrs old. Luckily their parents filed charges and he was arrested, sentenced and now doing time in jail. But, he will get out soon. He will go to a treatment program which is why his sentence is pretty light. That and the fact he is only 18. Oh, and he was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. Turns out he had been shoplifting, never caught. He stole property from his parents and friends of his parents and sold the goods to other kids so he always had money. I'm getting to the

 

[Nokids]

oops...
Getting to the question now...
Do I just get the hell out of here?
I love this woman, I'm concerned for her safety.
I think her son will suck every resource out of her until she's bankrupt and dead.
How can I protect her if she won't protect herself?

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, wow. Yikes.

This is only my opinion. You can't protect your fiance unless she WANTS you to protect her. It is impossible. You can not control her. If she is going to let her son bleed her dry, you can't stop it at all. In fact, you could end up the one he perps on. You don't need that. Even if you love her, you can't protect her, save her, or change her or her son. You can only control one person---you---and your reaction to fiance and to her son. But you can't get into anyone's head and change how the person thinks. You can only help somebody who asks for it and acts like he/she wants to have help that you offer.

If your fiance is protective of this son and makes excuses for him or wants him to eventually live at home, I'd head for the hills. This is VERY serious. I find it WORSE than most of the adult children who are here. A child predator of his age is unlikely to change. If Mom is going to pay his legal bills, of which he will have many, and stay overly engaged with him, I'd bolt.

It is really, in my opinion only (we all have our own opinions) dependent on the mother's attitude toward her very, very ill grown child who is doing very, very serious crimes. If she makes excuses, I would forget both of them ever existed. Again, this is just my own opinion and what I'd have done in the sad, dangerous situation. Antisocials have NO conscience and to date there is no treatment to change them and most of them don't have any desire to change anyway.

 

[JMom]

Hi nokids, welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm new to the site as well. I wouldn't feel like your situation is trivial, it certainly is not.

I hate that such a young kid has exposed himself to such bad. I can't imagine the terror your girlfriend feels.

Are you planning on having kids at some point or friends around with children, other family members? I would make the safety of any kids around you a first priority. I can't really speak to the relationship part, my gut says run like hell, but she deserves to be supported as well.

Perhaps you can direct her to some self-care like this site, individual counseling, books like codependent no more.

Maybe if you're leaning towards leaving, you could set her up with some resources. If it were me, I'd at least want you hy my side to check out resources before he gets out.

Good luck, hugs and let us know how you're doing. Prayers going up for you!!!

 

[Nokids]

Oh, wow. Yikes.

This is only my opinion. You can't protect your fiance unless she WANTS you to protect her. It is impossible. You can not control her. If she is going to let her son bleed her dry, you can't stop it at all. In fact, you could end up the one he perps on. You don't need that. Even if you love her, you can't protect her, save her, or change her or her son. You can only control one person---you---and your reaction to fiance and to her son. But you can't get into anyone's head and change how the person thinks. You can only help somebody who asks for it and acts like he/she wants to have help that you offer.

If your fiance is protective of this son and makes excuses for him or wants him to eventually live at home, I'd head for the hills. This is VERY serious. I find it WORSE than most of the adult children who are here. A child predator of his age is unlikely to change. If Mom is going to pay his legal bills, of which he will have many, and stay overly engaged with him, I'd bolt.

It is really, in my opinion only (we all have our own opinions) dependent on the mother's attitude toward her very, very ill grown child who is doing very, very serious crimes. If she makes excuses, I would forget both of them ever existed. Again, this is just my own opinion and what I'd have done in the sad, dangerous situation. Antisocials have NO conscience and to date there is no treatment to change them and most of them don't have any desire to change anyway.

I think you are correct. She is a very good person, smart, funny, big heart but she wants to 'save him, fix him'. English is not her first language so some of the nuances of what we read about the ASPD escape her. He has been physical with her twice during arguments, first just poking her with his finger. The second time, I wasn't there and he pushed her to the ground. *sigh*

 

[Nokids]

Hi nokids, welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm new to the site as well. I wouldn't feel like your situation is trivial, it certainly is not.

I hate that such a young kid has exposed himself to such bad. I can't imagine the terror your girlfriend feels.

Are you planning on having kids at some point or friends around with children, other family members? I would make the safety of any kids around you a first priority. I can't really speak to the relationship part, my gut says run like hell, but she deserves to be supported as well.

Perhaps you can direct her to some self-care like this site, individual counseling, books like codependent no more.

Maybe if you're leaning towards leaving, you could set her up with some resources. If it were me, I'd at least want you hy my side to check out resources before he gets out.

Good luck, hugs and let us know how you're doing. Prayers going up for you!!!

Ha! There will be no more children since we are both over 45 and not interested. As far as other kids around, every time I see a girl I wonder if her parents know where she is and do they monitor her computer activities? He wasn't prosecuted for all his victims and as we found out later, some parents didn't do anything since he lied about his age. This experience has made me far more paranoid about the world.

 

[BusynMember]

The second time, I wasn't there and he pushed her to the ground. *sigh*

This is evidence, unless she called the police, that he is going to keep taking advantage of and abusing her and it sounds like she will let him.
Ask yourself: Is this the life I want?
Be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry sincere in your answer. It's not about her only. It is about if you want both of them in your live for the rest of your life. Mom does not sound as if she will show him the door, even when he hurts her, so he's going to be around a lot. In the end, most mothers, who don't see the bad in their children or who want to save them (they can't), will choose the adult child over the spouse. This is a bad omen getting into a marriage.
If you choose to live with her and with him, lock up all your valuables, bank cards, bank account numbers and other valuables. Antisocials have no conscience and don't see people as anything more than a means to an end. They have no problem stealing people blind or hurting others in any way.
Do read "Without Coscience" by Dr. Robert Hare. GREAT book on antisocial personality disorder. I couldn't put it down and I don't even know anyone who is antisocial. Informative too.
Good luck!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Unfortunately, there is a LOT more history to this family's story than you know. Probably more than the Mom knows, even. These kinds of conditions are NOT a "switch" that suddenly shows up at the end of high school. There will have been things going on for a long time - things that have happened to this kid, to affect him this way. Even more unfortunately, the long term prognosis isn't that great.

There is no good answer, and no good outcome, to some stories. I really feel for you, but you may have gotten into a situation that is over your head - as it would be for most of us.

 

[Kalahou]

Hi Nokids,
I’ve been following these responses. You’ve received some very good input here. I agree with all said so far.

Just your deep concerns and doubts that brought you to search for a site such as this and found us and posted your concerns show you have very serious misgivings about committing further to this relationship with BOTH mom and son for the rest of your life. It will always be there, and likely not get any better, but rather worse, since it has been going on for so long already without improvement. The longer it goes on at this point, the more difficult it may become for you to release yourself from it. As the son gets older and perhaps bolder, you may find yourself in danger and a victim of sorts (various things already mentioned such as having things stolen, physical assault, etc.)

I also know from experience that with persons from another culture and language, a lot can be missed and not understood, and with difficult problems to resolve, that can also be an added frustration that becomes harder to deal with daily as time goes on. A point of caution ... to not rush into anything permanent with your lady while in the midst of all this confusion.

Just want to acknowledge you and welcome you to the forum, while sorry for the need to be here. As you said in your first line, you are definitely in the right place! Keep posting here. I really helps you to gain clarity and an objective perspective and grow in new understanding.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Nokids and welcome to the forum. Sorry for your need to be here.
Oh Lordy, this is a tough one.
I am glad that you stumbled upon this site, we have some kind caring folks here who are well versed with a lifetime of caring for d c's.

Keep posting and take time to really think this thing through.
Two and a half years and loving someone is a pretty solid relationship, I can understand your dilemma in trying to figure this out.
Your thread title speaks volumes. in no way is your situation trivial.
This is dire straights we are talking about.
I agree with the sentiment shared in the answers you have received. If you choose to continue a relationship with this woman and her son, know exactly what you are stepping into. This will be a very rough journey, that is for sure.
One thing I am thinking. It is difficult for some of us, to be on the same page with our spouses regarding our d c's, I am talking about bio mom and dad.
It will be doubly, triply, hard if you and mom do not agree where this boy is concerned.
Lots of thought and slowing way down and taking time to think of all of the variables is good.
Keep posting, it really helps.
Wishing you peace of mind and heart.
(((Hugs)))
leafy