Not looking good so far.

[Childofmine]

BG, right now, just relax into the fact that he has some resources that did not have to be provided or struggled with (whether or not to give them) by you.

He is figuring SOMETHING out without your involvement.

That is progress for you. That is what we care about. Progress for you.

We can't know the future. He either will keep on or he won't. For sure, things won't stay the same.

SO always says---when difficult child gets out of jail---you'll know if things are going to be different within two weeks. That is plenty of time to make something new happen.

So---if you can, let it all go for a while.

Right now, right this very minute, take stock of yourself. You are okay, maybe not great with all you have to deal with, but pinch yourself. You're okay.

If difficult child wasn't okay, you'd hear soon enough, so just for this minute, he's okay too. Not great, not what we want him to be, but no news is good news and he's okay.

That is living in the moment. That is what we all need to learn to do more of. Who knows, our difficult children are probably way happier than we are, right this minute. And still we sit, worrying about them.

I haven't heard from difficult child since last Friday. Right now, I am okay. I am very grateful for that. Silence can be golden. I know it won't last, so I'm trying to enjoy it while it does.

Warm hugs. Hang in there.

 

[BusynMember]

It's interesting how these judgmental do-gooders NEVER call to say, "I am so sorry that I judged you."

When this woman called me up, I had tons to say, but I just listened. When she said, in a huffy voice, "Don't you even want to talk to your son?" I said calmly, "Not now." That set her off on another rant until she finally hung up. I never heard from her again, but through the grapevine the rumor was that he made a mess and wouldn't clean up and she caught him doing something illegal (surprise) and worse he tried to get her son involved (shock). Her son told her and she threw him out. Never apologized though.

 

[BusynMember]

Seeking Strength: "This house stinks!"
I hope you don't mind that I laughed. That is so what 36 would have said. Not "I'm so glad to be home" or "It's so nice to be home" but something negative. He has often said to me, "No offense, but I couldn't live where you live. It's too old and the houses are too run down and it just looks crappy."

No offense, of course. (This is a typical middle class neighborhood, by the way).

Our difficult children seem like they are similar in many ways.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

e worked for the same school district.

I'm sorry, Strength.

difficult child son was like that.

I never had to work with the parent who took him in, though. She called and was so accusatory and judgmental, over the phone. There was not much I could say, because her son, in my opinion, had been a horrible influence on mine, and the last place I thought he should be was anywhere near their house. But she was determined to save my son from his uncaring, screwed up family, and she said something to that effect right over the phone.

I was like..."So this isn't a social call, then?"

:O)

No, I didn't really say that.

We were still in that place where you blame the (new) friends, and wonder what the heck happened to the old friends. Anyway, just before the mom called with how she was taking difficult child in, the police had called us. difficult child, so they told us, was down at the police station, and we needed to come there to get him because he was claiming child abuse and they wanted to talk to us.

So, I told the nice policeman (who had dealt with us any number of times, I am sure, with difficult child daughter) that they could have difficult child son.

We never did hear anything more from the police.

difficult child son did the same kind of thing the last time he was home, as a matter of fact. I suppose they get tired of looking like the bad guy. difficult child had two children, when he last visited us, here. That was three years ago, I think. As he visited family, he told each of them how it was our refusal to help him when he was younger that left him living this kind of marginal existence, now.

No one has been specific about what was said, but you know how you just feel it? I don't know how to think about that.

difficult child also lived with an uncle at one point, now that I think about it. difficult child was much younger then. We had asked the uncle to try. He grew disgusted pretty quickly. The thing is, we had always seemed to be this family where everything was certain to turn out really well.

I'm glad I had that feeling. Maybe that is how I understand what other parents assume, when what happened to all of us comes out.

I used to be that way, too.

It's like we always say, here on the site: No one who has not lived this could understand. They just have no frame of reference.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Blackgnat, will you be able to say "no" to difficult child if he should ask to come home?

Cedar

 

[blackgnat]

As always , thanks for all the support and wisdom!
I feel much better today -a good night's sleep and NO wine does wonders for the spirit!

I won't have ANY problem telling difficult child that coming to live with me is not an option. I cannot and NEVER will allow him to live with me again. As much as he claims to love me, I have always been the outlet for his rage when we lived together. I am never going to put myself in that kind of danger again.

It does help that he is 1,000 miles away from me! His sentence included 3 years of probation so I doubt he can leave Colorado. He is in a program called PACE which deals with dual diagnosis patients/inmates. They are supposed to help with housing and jobs. He has to check in with them daily for medications and random drug testing.

THEY can be his parents now.

I believe that he fears the world. He has no coping mechanism other than drugs and alcohol and his fears direct him back to those things-that's all he knows how to stop the pain, so he returns to the familiar. And he usually whirls everyone else he can into that chaos. If he has matured at all, I pray that he will get a grip on reality and try to rebuild a life that is productive and healthy. He, hope springs eternal, right?

Right now, I'm in the moment-he has money (which means food and shelter) and community resources at his disposal. Nothing *I* can do about anything he is doing. I have to learn how to cope better when I know he DOESN'T have those things. been there done that too!

I DO have another situation that I would appreciate advice on. My younger son (easy child) lives in CO with his dad. I had planned a visit there when difficult child was still in jail. My easy child had to get approval for a weekend off and it looks like it will be mid July. Now that difficult child is out, I don't want my visit there to be dominated by difficult child's demands. I don't want the focus to be on what he is doing, so that my easy child doesn't get the time with me. difficult child knows I'm coming out there (I thought he would be in jail when I was there and I could visit him for 30 minutes a week, enough time for ME! .

So I don't want to go too early-difficult child will be frantic in demands, because I'm there and he doesn't know how to conduct himself after 7 months incarceration. I also don't want to go too late, when difficult child might have exhausted resources and be frantic about his future...

Typing that, it looks like frantic is on the cards no matter when I go, haha.

I'm also aware that I just made EVERYTHING about difficult child and not about easy child. That shows the power I have allowed him to have over me...

What I SHOUD be thinking is how lovely it will be to see my easy child and what kinds of fun we can have while I'm there and to give him lots of praise about how is he is surviving and thriving, all on his OWN terms and initiatives.

Time for a priority tune-up, right?

 

[witzend]

This is what happens when a county/state cuts taxes to the bone and uses for profit prisons. in my humble opinion They don't want your son to be a contributing member of society, they want him back in their bed.

Can you work together with girlfriend's mother to get him a list of what's out there? "Homeless" totally sucks, but I understand that he can't come back to your home. It hurts...

Time for a priority tune-up, right?

Good for you!