Now he is really gone.

[Copabanana]

How are you doing today, Copa?

Not good, Albatross. Thank you for asking, but not good at all.

You may remember, that I am coming off a very long mourning of my mother's death and questioning my whole life, after my mother died. Since I joined CD I am better, every month or so, I am better.

There is so much that has been left undone in the over 3 years since I left work to take care of my mother, and that I did not do, when everything fell apart. And I did so much self-destructive stuff just to survive. I survived in bed those years buying stupid junk, I think to feel the endorphin spike by winning an auction or buying junk, only to have to deal with a houseful of junk that really I did not want or need.

It was the only way I did not feel never-ending despair. I think there was an element of self-destructiveness involved as well, that I undue and security or life-preserving or sustaining capacity I had.

In these last months sometimes I felt near-joy.

When my son comes back into the equation, I sink back into a morass. I eat badly. My mind and body feels like sludge, like I am polluted. I feel self-disgust. I am without hope for myself.

Still I cannot separate myself from him, when he is in my town. If he is living a degraded and undisciplined life, I seem to have to live it vicariously with him, and feel it is as if I am the degraded, undisciplined one, who is falling, and falling.

when an adult child refuses to see reason and perform the basic fundamentals of life, sometimes the ONLY thing that we as parents can do is take care of OURSELVES.

And that is what I seem unwilling, not unable, to do.

It is like I am somebody who deserves to be wearing a hair shirt. I deserve to humiliate myself and suffer at my own hand.

We need to show, by example, what we will or will not tolerate. In fact, we are showing them what society at large will or will not tolerate.

Except I act like and feel like I am the one who has transgressed social mores.

You need to heal and support you right now. Do not lose an inch of ground that you have gained in your healing.

But how? If I feel like I am the guilty and undeserving party here?

My son treats us so badly. He comes here, even for a few minutes, he does not flush the toilet. He lies. He blames us. Everything is our fault. He always expects us to give. If we do not give he takes. He leaves crxp at the sink, and his pan dirty at the stove. There seems to be no boundary that he will not transgress. And he leaves me feeling violated.

I feel like a victim of a crime, victimized by my own child.

And I know the prototype of this is what I felt by my own father. I felt transgressed, violated, sullied, degraded by my own father.

And now I feel the same way at the hands of my son.

I know it is my fault. It must be. If it were not, it would not have happened again. To me.

This is the aspect of all of this with my son that has been so horrible. If I did not deserve it, it would not be happening again. It must be me.

I must be the dirty, the undisciplined, the corrupt, the degraded one.

So I make myself such. I as if say to myself: Look at me. I am the one who is bad. The bad one. It is my fault. All of it.

If we are mere shadows of our former selves when they do finally rally and their lives fall into the proper places...what then?

I do not want to self-destruct. I want to soar.

And here I am in bed again. Guilty.

No. He would have truly hated any of these realities. We owe it to ourselves AND to our greatly loved Difficult Child's to strive to become our former selves.

While it is truly a tragedy that your beloved son before your eyes lost control over his prior self to the hallucinations, you have in your own memory the awareness of who he really is or was.

My son was a different kind of child, but as an adult he has manifested more and more a personality that is neither self-respecting or really, worthy of respect. While I pay lip-service to the fact that he has averted the worse outcomes that could have become reality, like jail, or hard drug addiction, he has not become a man like I would have wished he were. A mensch. My son is not a mensch.

He looks for the easy way. He takes advantage whenever he can. He sets low, very low standards for himself.

They need to see and FEEL this reality.

I agree. And I agree that as long as I take responsibility for the misdeeds, by punishing myself, disrespecting myself and sacrificing myself, I am feeling the reality for him.

I debase myself and remain housebound, brewing over with anger and hostility. How can this not confuse the situation? What am I modeling here? But I seem unable to help it. At least, as yet.

Strong individuals that have healthy boundaries. Parents that demand respect.

Of course you are right.

First, to demand self-respect. To demand self-care. To feel compassion for who I am. And not one of these I feel capable of. Today I feel like a sewer and a cesspool. While I can guess at the why's I seem unable to stop it.

I am so grateful to each of you for your care and your wisdom.

COPA

 

[TheWalrus]

And that is what I seem unwilling, not unable, to do.

You hold yourself prisoner in your unwillingness. No different than our children who are unwilling to seek help, take responsibility, grow up....the very things that put you where you are. Be the role model your son needs by being strong, living your life, not letting others (including him) drag you down. He may not follow your example, but set it.

I know it is my fault. It must be. If it were not, it would not have happened again. To me.

This is the aspect of all of this with my son that has been so horrible. If I did not deserve it, it would not be happening again. It must be me.

I must be the dirty, the undisciplined, the corrupt, the degraded one.

If that were true, it would be true of every single parent on this message board. We did this. We caused that. We deserve this. And that isn't true. Remember, you aren't the only OR the even the biggest piece of the puzzle inside your son's personality.

I was where you are and a good friend gave me a great piece of advice:

Feel your pain, your anger, your guilt...own it. Take the time to live in it and accept the situation and your child as she is. But no matter how comfortable it is, don't pack a bag and live there.

And it can get comfortable, it can even sometimes be easier, to curl up and live in all that pain. The harder thing is to get up each day and LIVE. And at first, it feels like you are faking it. Maybe you even are. But behaviors become habits, and living again can become a habit if you make yourself get up and do it.

Whatever it takes to get your mind off of your son, even for very short times, brief respites - do those things. I read. I run. I work. I spend time with my family. I write. And when it comes back, I come here or call someone in my small circle and vent...and let it go.

The hard things become easy the more you do them. This is no exception.

 

[Copabanana]

Take the time to live in it and accept the situation and your child as she is. But no matter how comfortable it is, don't pack a bag and live there.

What is the determinant of whether this giving up becomes habitual becomes the course of the life in its dominant direction and aspect, and not a short and provisional detour?

What is the difference between us and the mother who took her own life? How does one person have the strength to survive and thrive and the other not?

My father died in squalor. His own mess of a life. I must be like him. In some way. Why did I fight so hard to survive, to make something of myself, if not because I knew somewhere I was like him?

And now with my own son living and being as he is, this deep fear and dread, has become manifest. And now, even though each month I was doing better and better and more certain I would live, I am down again. This time in squalor with my father, not in grief and despair over my mother.

There comes a time when we can no longer fight against what is. Maybe my destiny is in the gutter of despair, too. While yesterday I would have written about choice, today I feel pulled down by currents that I have not the energy or will to fight.

it can even sometimes be easier, to curl up and live in all that pain. The harder thing is to get up each day and LIVE. And at first, it feels like you are faking it.

Yes.

What is it that gave you the belief in yourself that you deserved to live?

living again can become a habit if you make yourself get up and do it.

Or, by this I am wondering if there was never a belief that you either could or deserved to go on, to live. At first it was only the commitment to try. Is that morality or is it hope? Or is it defiance?

Thank you for your post. It is beautiful

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

I am going to take a chance. Just once. You may disregard this entire post and I will never bring it up to you again. You seem to totally reject it and that is your choice. You would feel far less guilty though if you at least consider it.

Twin studies repeatedly show that nature is more powerful than nurture. Not 100 percent of course. But identicle twins seperated at birth who knew nothing about one anothers existance at one time tend to be eerily alike. I was at the library today reading a true story about two adopted korean twins seperated at birth who connected by accident. The book went into them, twin studies and the importance of dna.

Your son is a victim in a way. He had a god awful start before he was even born. Genetically his parents were pretty nonproductive. I am sure your love and education impacted him positively.but he does not have your dna and as an adult he is not like you were/are. It is not all his fault although his choices certainly are his own. Perhaps the drugs he ingested prebirth and dna are a big reason why he cant seem to get it together. It certainly isnt your fault. You gave him every chance. He just didnt use the gifts as you would have done and in fact did. Maybe he cant. Maybe he isnt interested. So hard to say except that you got him after his birth parents had already damaged him. To what extent, he was never tested to find out. But you did not harm him.they did.
I hate when you blame yourself. You did nothing but love him and try to make up for his bad start. His life is his own. You need not feel bad that he is unwilling or unable or both to live normally nor appreciate all you have done.
I send my love, hope this helps and will never discuss it with you again. But it came from the heart. We adore our adopted kids. We would die for them. But their dna is not ours. It makes sense when often they are different adults than us.
You do deserve a great life no matter how your son behaves.

 

[Copabanana]

Genetically his parents were pretty nonbproductive.

Serenity, I know who his birth grandfather his. I googled him periodically on the internet. He is an extremely successful and entrepreneurial man. My son's birth grandmother was an extremely conscientious and responsible woman. She had already taken in four other birth children of her daughter's who was a drug addict.

His genes are good. It was the choices of his parents that were not.

but he does not have your dna and as an adult he is not like you were/are

My DNA! My Dad was an alcoholic and ingested heroin when he could get it. He trafficked in heroin. He was a degraded sadist. Morally corrupt.

My mother's family's DNA I love, because I loved them, but this DNA also produced my sister.

To what extent, he was never tested to find out

That is not true, Serenity. I have told you several times. The first thing I did was bring him to a Children's Hospital Neuropsychologist and Psychiatrist. He had multiple and intensive interventions by all kinds of therapists.

I am not so much blaming myself. I am feeling myself to blame, which is somewhat different.

I am wallowing in self-pity because of some bad strain within myself. I will be better in a little while. But I seem to need to punish myself for awhile. Hopefully I will soon stop.

Thank you for caring.

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

Of course I care!

I am thinking his birthmothers alcohol and drug ingestion probably affected him. I get so angry at those who abuse their babies before they are even born.

I hope you start to move on with peace. It dies not help or change your son to give him the power to ruin your life,hon.

Sleep well tonight. I will always care about you, M and your son.

 

[DoneDad]

Wow. Is there one thing or area where you can start to take control? For me it was exercise. Believe me I know what it's like to feel like you're trapped in an ocean of quicksand. Try to find a spiritual practice that speaks to you and stick to it. You're not a prisoner of your past or other's dysfunction unless you let yourself be.

 

[Copabanana]

Wow. Is there one thing or area where you can start to take control? For me it was exercise

Thank you, DoneDad.

Creativity works for me. And it is a kind of spirituality. If you believe as do I that creativity is a spiritual practice that opens one to all. Exercise works too, but I feel too low to do it right now.

I am starting a few books that will help me refocus.

This site is hugely helpful to me. Even when all you can do is express the muck, it is a huge thing to get it outside of yourself, to see it on the page. With that you can at least talk back to it, to make it stand alone outside of you. And with the support of people like you, we become a chorus who can yell back. No. We will not allow ourselves to go down. If nothing else, I will fight.

See how much that helped? You helped. A great deal. I believe in fighting back. I needed to see that right now.

Thank you very much. For helping me remember who I am really.

COPA

 

[TheWalrus]

I am the determinant. I determine my life, my choices, my consequences. No different than anyone else. And I am determined not to be beaten by a situation out of my control.

Because it IS out of my control and out of yours, too.

Your child is not only a product of his biological parents but also a product of many other people - peers, friends, teachers, coaches - besides you. He is a product of many other environmental factors and experiences - drug use, social norms, peer pressure, academic/extracurricular failures and successes, etc - other than the ones he experienced in your care. And there is no way to know how he processed his adoption. For some, that is a sense of abandonment they never get past.

You give yourself too much credit, Copa, when you take full responsibility. I am sorry, sweetheart, but you didn't cause this. They don't come with crystal balls - and even IF we could predict how they would have turned out and rewrote every "wrong" we feel we did, chances are they would be the same or close to it.

Put the responsibility where it belongs: on him.
Put the consequences where they belong: on him.

You aren't strong enough to carry his burdens, and when he became an adult, your responsibility to do so ended.

Take Dad's advice and put your energy somewhere POSITIVE. No matter what it is. Volunteer somewhere. Exercise. Take up a new hobby. Something. Because this is unproductive and harmful for you. Get your bags and move out of this emotional rut you are living in.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That is not true, Serenity. I have told you several times. The first thing I did was bring him to a Children's Hospital Neuropsychologist and Psychiatrist. He had multiple and intensive interventions by all kinds of therapists.

And unfortunately, we don't always get the right answers even when we use the right process. Personal biases of the tester. A child that is really good at reading people and telling them what they want to hear. Other parts of life intruding on the tester's effectiveness. There's all sorts of reasons for a poor result even from comprehensive evaluations. We went through three comprehensive evaluations, plus some more targeted bits, and... came out with maybe two thirds of what we should have had for diagnoses.

Just like we can't control our kids, we can't control the professionals either.

 

[Nomad]

Copa...your words are heartbreaking. It resonates. I've experienced many similar thoughts.

I love what the above posters have said...you are not responsible for your adult son's behaviors/choices. You are responsible for yours. This is the only place you have true control. Perhaps you can think of a plan of sorts involving boundaries, but excessive thought tends to be unproductive. Love the idea of taking care of YOU. It's a double win, because you regain your health and there is some chance your son will observe this and learn from it.

You've indicated a need with various health concerns. And a willingness to take care of your health. Being creative, eating healthy foods...whatever that might look like...you surely should seriously consider doing it. It seems like you are moving in that direction.

Blessings.

 

[Copabanana]

you are not responsible for your adult son's behaviors/choices. You are responsible for yours. This is the only place you have true control

You know Nomad, when I saw your post, the first line (which is not the one above that I have quoted), I felt, oh a loving mother is here, who cares about me, who does not want me to suffer so, who wants me to feel better (I am tearing up here.) It felt like a warm bath.

My mother, while I loved her a great deal (and still do) was not that kind of mother. She did not protect or nurture. So, it is extraordinary to me that I could feel that caring from others. And so new.

I am so grateful for this site. We do so much for each other. That could never be put into words, nor really, should it. It is just that wonderful. Thank you.

I am grateful.

COPA

 

[Albatross]

Copa, your posts resonate with me as well. My old journal is filled with pages and pages of such pain. I felt as you do now, I think. I was, to put it quite simply and tritely, heartbroken to depths I couldn't even fathom.

I know it is purely academic to tell you not to put this on yourself. If I were posting what you wrote, you would tell me the same thing. We both know that hair shirts and sewer dwelling are not where we belong, simply for the transgression of loving our children with our whole hearts. We both can look at your son's birth grandparents and say, here was a responsible couple who gave their daughter a stable and loving home, and she became a drug addict and caused them tremendous pain and heartbreak. Surely they don't deserve self-flagellation either.

But knowing it isn't living it, Copa.

Sometimes we just have to feel it, let it run its course. I'm sorry you are in this place now. I know the day will come when I jump back in that cesspool. I hope I don't stay there very long next time.

It will get better for you, Copa. We are all right here.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi All,

I want to tell you I am better. I am no longer abandoning myself. I am back.

M went by the other house. Somebody had been trying to force a window to enter. There were large palm prints on the window. My son has large hands.

I bumped into him yesterday. He was behind me in the check out line, while I was paying.

He was neither arrogant nor pretending to be subservient. He acted respectfully and real. The only really bad thing was his appearance. He is so thin, unshaven, and unkempt, but less so than before. He bought a new hoodie and pants. But he still looks kind of wild and undomesticated. I hate that. He is my son!

Thank you, all, for being here for me.

Words cannot express my gratitude.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, I am glad that you are back. You are very strong.

I am sorry that he looked thin and unkept. I imagine my son looking the same.

But, I am glad that he acted respectfully and real.

Take care of yourself. You always pulled me up by my bootstraps whenever I wallowed in the muck and mire. I am proud of you.