My goodness, I can identify so much with what Amy is going through right now! Fifteen years ago, I took legal guardianship of my nephew, then nearly four years old. He had the speech and social skills of about a two year old. He had meltdowns, he was a mess! A couple of differences were he had already been removed from the mother due to her drug usage while pregnant with a subsequent child. His birth father, my half-brother, was in prison.
My son was being raised by his grandparents, who are my father and step-mother and at that time, they had legal custody. My father was in his mid-80s, step-mother late 60s, but both in poor health and it was agreed by all that I would take him. We moved him from the midwest to the southeast where I lived and still do with my husband, and at the time had two teenaged children in the home.
The good news is the meltdowns eventually stopped, pretty much typically as they do for many children. He was a sweet, loving child but he needed so very much intervention and I was diligent just as Amy is about seeing that he got proper treatment.
It was tough in the beginning—his social skills were extremely lacking. He had never been around other children and had no idea how to behave. He was like a little animal! If he wanted a toy or something another child had, he would just snatch it from them. I was working at the time and got called several times a week to come and get him. He nearly got kicked out of a home-based Christian daycare until the woman who ran it, I believe, prayed about it and decided to give him another chance. But it was still rocky. He was very hard to manage (has since been diagnosed with ADHD).
Then came kindergarten. Again, I got constant reports on his unusual behaviors. I did not realize he was on the autism spectrum at that time, though I suspected it. He would “bump up” against other children in line or squeeze in between two children who were sitting next to each other. He would put inappropriate things in his mouth. Well, let’s just say the teachers in this public school had ZERO experience with a child like mine. They talked to me about him as if he were an alien!
I later learned that he had sensory processing disorder, common in children on the spectrum. His particular “disorder” was sensory-seeking, where he sought various stimuli, such as bumping, touching, tasting etc., as opposed to some children who are sensory averse and don’t like certain clothes touching them, textures in foods, bright lights and such.
I was told he wouldn’t stay in his seat, he wouldn’t stand still for the Pledge of Allegiance or morning announcements, he didn’t like to transition, share his toys, play nicely with others...blah, blah, blah! I spent a lot of time crying, searching for answers, and eventually got him into another school for children with non-violent behavioral issues out of his school zone, and the best thing I ever did for him.
Through the years he has had every kind of therapy possible, starting with occupational (Occupational Therapist (OT)) and speech therapy, where after just a couple of weeks of Occupational Therapist (OT), he could walk down steps one foot after another, where before, at age 7, he had been taking steps one step at a time. He became better coordinated, learned his abc’s, slightly later than the school expected but he learned to read pretty much on schedule. By fourth grade he was reading Harry Potter, writing his own stories and drawing beautiful artwork.
He still had some issues with behavior, but with the loving guidance of the teachers and therapists in his special school, he made great progress in school behavior and social skills. By 8th grade, his teacher said he had what it takes to be an author, his writing was so creative. In high school he was in regular ed classes with occasional management with a wonderful Special Education teacher. His art teacher said he had “it,” and that he could be real successful if he would just apply what he was teaching. (My son had a mind of his own and wanted to draw whatever he wanted, not the class assignment.)
Things are far from perfect today though they are somewhat stable. We’ve had many ups and downs with behavior in the home. After graduation, my son chose not to pursue art or writing. He had difficulty with learning in school and decided against any further education but has a steady part-time, though minimum wage job. I have accepted this and no longer try to impose my desires of a further education on him as he currently just cannot see it. When he turned 18, things changed and he felt like he was an adult and could do whatever he wanted. Unfortunately, he is incredibly naive, even more than a typical 18 year old and he learned some life lessons the hard way, often the only way he learns.
I wouldn’t be on this site if I didn’t have issues with my difficult child. I had to use some tough love, which absolutely broke my heart, but two weeks after his 18th birthday, he left home and I disengaged from him for a period of a few months during which he became homeless. Eventually he resumed contact, but no longer lives in the home and probably will not be allowed to due to lifestyle choices I disagree with and a tendency to disregard rules.
He is still sweet and loving and for the most part our relationship is good, but I have to overlook a great deal, yet at the same time provide a lot of guidance, if that makes sense. He participates in a transitional housing program and is no longer homeless. Fortunately, my community has very good support systems in place for the homeless if they seek help. I am grateful for that.
Busy, I truly hope that Amy will be granted permanent custody of this lovely child who I know will thrive under her watchful eye and loving heart. And I’m sure she is wise enough to know that it won’t be easy but so worth it when you look back and see the progress that just putting these children in the right environment makes.
I know where my son would be today if he had stayed with his drug abusing birth mother, who went on to have two more children who have been removed from the home as well. And though there are some issues I wish would change, I do take into account that he is a very young 18 (almost 19) and the fact that he still loves me and looks to me for guidance is encouraging. And right now, that is what we have, and I will hold onto that.
Many blessing to you and your loving family.
