DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Sometimes I worry because he is my baby...and you know what they say about momma's and the baby.
ok...I want to know, enabling or just being a mom
- Thread starter DammitJanet
- Start date
in my opinion this was a very rational worry. First Mandy's health and the baby's. But also Cory's. He has some pretty significant health problems and a real stubborn streak that if he decided to do something he would work into heat stroke before he would stop and not get it done. So by doing this you ahve provided not a little bit of comfort but a real necessity. I have seen a lot of people get really sick and/or die in the heat here in OK. It gets BAD. I got heat exhaustion in under an hour one year - back when I was still a healthy and very young woman (22). It took me over a year before I could do almost anything out in the heat.
If it were me they would also have at least a few cases of water bottles. One in each vehicle that they have and at least one at the house in case of a water problem. In the heat here in OK almost every car has a case of water in the back or trunk. Or a big 5 gal jug. We don't even want to drive into town (5 miles maybe) with-o it because it is so easy to get very sick in the heat. I won't pick up a hitch-hiker but I have stopped and given people a couple of bottles of water as they walk around town. NEVER has anyone not appreciated it - often it is students who don't realize how easy it is to get overheated or it is the ones who cannot afford a car. I didn't used to but I saw what looked like a very healthy man just topple over a couple of years ago. Scared the stuffing out of me. A cop came by because I just stopped on the side of the road - a major one with nowhere to pull into a parking lot or onto the shoulder. He insisted on calling for an ambulance - the guy wouldn't let me.
So this was NOT enabling. It was protecting yourself from the re-invasion because you KNOW Mandy wouldn't want to keep paying rent if she was sleeping and eating and everything else at your hosue (quick - turn their old room into a craft room and little girl room for visiting granddaus!). It was also protecting the health of your son and his SO and their child.
If it were me they would also have at least a few cases of water bottles. One in each vehicle that they have and at least one at the house in case of a water problem. In the heat here in OK almost every car has a case of water in the back or trunk. Or a big 5 gal jug. We don't even want to drive into town (5 miles maybe) with-o it because it is so easy to get very sick in the heat. I won't pick up a hitch-hiker but I have stopped and given people a couple of bottles of water as they walk around town. NEVER has anyone not appreciated it - often it is students who don't realize how easy it is to get overheated or it is the ones who cannot afford a car. I didn't used to but I saw what looked like a very healthy man just topple over a couple of years ago. Scared the stuffing out of me. A cop came by because I just stopped on the side of the road - a major one with nowhere to pull into a parking lot or onto the shoulder. He insisted on calling for an ambulance - the guy wouldn't let me.
So this was NOT enabling. It was protecting yourself from the re-invasion because you KNOW Mandy wouldn't want to keep paying rent if she was sleeping and eating and everything else at your hosue (quick - turn their old room into a craft room and little girl room for visiting granddaus!). It was also protecting the health of your son and his SO and their child.
Estherfromjerusalem
Well-Known Member
Janet, I definitely do NOT think it was enabling. It was purely a gift, which is always legitimate. Especially since it can be called his birthday present.
And $200 is a small price to pay in my opinion for not having them living with you.
Definitely A.GOOD.DECISION.
Love, Esther
And $200 is a small price to pay in my opinion for not having them living with you.
Definitely A.GOOD.DECISION.
Love, Esther
I'm late to the party, but wanted to add that I agree with the others, this was a kind gift from you, not enabling. Now, if such gifts were a habit, and they come to depend on them instead of attempting to make life better for themselves, it'd be different.. but I don't think there's much chance of that. 
And heck yeah, $200 is well worth them not staying with you!
And heck yeah, $200 is well worth them not staying with you!
T
toughlovin
Guest
I see letting them ome and stay with you because of the heat as enabling. Buying them an air conditioner so they can stay healthy, take care of the baby etc, and so they can reasonably stay in their own place as helpful and an act of mommas love.I think sometimes it is hard to know where the line is between helping and enabling. My son has been asking me once in a while for rides home from work. It is usually way out of my way..... but it is also a way for me to see him, get a read on him, touch base without having to spend too much time with him! So I get something for ME out of it. So I do it when it works for me and say no when it doesn't really work for me. I am trying to keep myself from bending over backwards to save him.... but at the same point stay connected and be the loving mom.
HereWeGoAgain
Grandpa
I think that to qualify as enabling it has to be repetitive, and something that they can and should do for themselves, and something that furthers their bad behavior - so, for instance, giving a ride now and then, at your convenience, or the A/C unit are not enabling, whereas giving a ride every time, even when highly inconvenient, or letting them move back in "temporarily" are enabling.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Busy...I remember back in the (gosh am I gonna age myself here) olden days when people in NY didnt even have air conditioners. It was far enough north that it didnt get that hot in the summer. My dads family in new england never had AC and we just opened windows and it was fine. LOL.
N
Nomad
Guest
Not sure...probably not. Some thought might need to be given to what has been going on...how much you have given them all along, how much effort they are putting into being self sufficient, etc. AND of course, the ac needs to STAY PUT! (Not sold now or later for drugs, etc.)
If it honestly and truly is a birthday gift for July and you are calling it a birthday gift, then by all means do NOT get him a birthday gift in July. Not even a paper clip. Instead, perhaps a card (with a note re: the ac) and maybe (and at most) make his favorite dessert.
Might be real cute to have them over for coffee and cake (plus the card). Do NOT be tempted to give in and get "a little something."
We just know that enabling is NOT a good thing. AND usually when someone is uncomfortable enough, it'll get them moving in a positive/forward moving direction. It's GOOOD that you are giving this thought.
But I totally "get" where you are coming from with this...some important extenuating circumstances (the pregnancy) and having them back at your place is NOT a good idea at all.
If it honestly and truly is a birthday gift for July and you are calling it a birthday gift, then by all means do NOT get him a birthday gift in July. Not even a paper clip. Instead, perhaps a card (with a note re: the ac) and maybe (and at most) make his favorite dessert.
Might be real cute to have them over for coffee and cake (plus the card). Do NOT be tempted to give in and get "a little something."
We just know that enabling is NOT a good thing. AND usually when someone is uncomfortable enough, it'll get them moving in a positive/forward moving direction. It's GOOOD that you are giving this thought.
But I totally "get" where you are coming from with this...some important extenuating circumstances (the pregnancy) and having them back at your place is NOT a good idea at all.
Last edited:
Star*
call 911........call 911
TONY!!!!!!! HUSH YO' MOUF!!! COME WHERE? OH NO......OH HECK NO. $200.00 well spent.....even if they PROMISE to pay you back $10.00 a month for 2 years. wink wink nod nod. UGH.
OH BIFFY PRESENT? Yesssssssssss ...........and now all he'll get is a cake........GOOD CALL.
OH BIFFY PRESENT? Yesssssssssss ...........and now all he'll get is a cake........GOOD CALL.
gottaloveem
Active Member
In my very humble opinion, you did the right thing. You are just being a mom. Happy early birthday Cory.
Love,
Lia
Love,
Lia
P
PatriotsGirl
Guest
I don't think you are enabling him at all!!!! I would have done the same exact thing!
