On pins and needles...authorities are closing in

[BusynMember]

I've had no experience with jail, but I sure have had experience with "I just want to hear your voice, Mom."

Weary, for all that the two of you have gone through and through all the trouble she has gotten into, our adult children will reach out to us when they are scared, almost like they are young children again and it tears at our heartstrings. ALL of my adult children want me w hen they are sad or need comfort or feel sick or anything. I am their go-to first call and it never fails to clutch my heart.

Your daughter loves you so she called you. You are the person she feels cares about the mess she has made. Take solace in that knowledge. Then let her go to jail, having as much contact as you like, and know she is safer there than on the streets. Nobody is watching her at all on the streets and she needs help controlling herself. You are not doing anything wrong, you are actually helping and protecting your child. You are a warrier mom and we are all in your corner.

 

[elizabethanne]

I've had no experience with jail, but I sure have had experience with "I just want to hear your voice, Mom."

Weary, for all that the two of you have gone through and through all the trouble she has gotten into, our adult children will reach out to us when they are scared, almost like they are young children again and it tears at our heartstrings. ALL of my adult children want me w hen they are sad or need comfort or feel sick or anything. I am their go-to first call and it never fails to clutch my heart.

Your daughter loves you so she called you. You are the person she feels cares about the mess she has made. Take solace in that knowledge. Then let her go to jail, having as much contact as you like, and know she is safer there than on the streets. Nobody is watching her at all on the streets and she needs help controlling herself. You are not doing anything wrong, you are actually helping and protecting your child. You are a warrier mom and we are all in your corner.

 

[DoneDad]

What does she think will happen if she comes home? The warrants magically go away?

You're doing the right thing. If she's at home when she goes in, she'll expect to be home when she gets out. Let her learn that actions have consequences. Don't let her come home after her release.

 

[WearyMom18]

What does she think will happen if she comes home? The warrants magically go away?

You're doing the right thing. If she's at home when she goes in, she'll expect to be home when she gets out. Let her learn that actions have consequences. Don't let her come home after her release.

Yes! I think she believes that if she could come home or be in rehab that she wouldn't have to go to jail. She will not accept that there are real consequences for failing to go to court.

Going to jail is going to be 'learning the hard way' which is something I have warned her about for years. She has been very lucky so far that she hasn't had more charges of a more serious nature.

I am actually worried that she won't be sentenced to jail time for the two charges she has. Anything less would actually be harmful to her I think.

My husband wants us to write to the judges on her charges to ask for jail time. Her attorney's already know our position and tend to agree so I guess that's a plus.

I haven't heard from her today at all, usually because she got high so I won't hear from her for a couple of days. The investigator says he is confident he will find her...I just want it to be over.

It doesn't make sense to me that she absolutely refuses to accept that she has to pay consequences for her actions so I'm limiting my contact with her because mindless chit chat at this point, which is what she wants to do, is pointless. I'm so frustrated!

 

[Copabanana]

My husband wants us to write to the judges on her charges to ask for jail time.

WearyMom, You didn't ask but I will volunteer. There might be risks to you...if you ask the judge to give her jail time, I think. Might you not feel responsible, should she suffer there...or G-d forbid, be harmed in some way? Is it not better to let society in its collective judgement decide and take responsibility....not based upon what SHE NEEDS or would benefit from....but as just consequences...for her acts? If her attorney knows how you feel and agrees...is this not enough?

 

[pasajes4]

I would not do anything. There are natural consequences at play here. Take a deep breath and let go. In the meantime, let her know that you love her and that when she straightens out her legal situation, and she is ready to do the hard work to live a positive life, you will help her by providing a list of possible rehabs, psychiatrists, tdocs, or whatever you feel comfortable doing. They do need to be assured that we do love them.

 

[Lil]

I am actually worried that she won't be sentenced to jail time for the two charges she has. Anything less would actually be harmful to her I think.

My husband wants us to write to the judges on her charges to ask for jail time. Her attorney's already know our position and tend to agree so I guess that's a plus.

I want to point out that if she's arrested on the warrants and can't post bond, she will be in jail until her court date. Even if she doesn't get jail for the crimes, she may be in there for quite a while, enough to make her think she doesn't want to go back.

With respect to her attorney, her attorney works for HER, no matter who is paying them. Their job is to do the best they can for her legally...not for her sobriety or mental health. They know you think she needs to go to jail...but may ignore that fact and it may be appropriate that they do so. Their duty is to their client. If they're a decent attorney, they won't violate their duty to their client.

Might you not feel responsible, should she suffer there...or G-d forbid, be harmed in some way? Is it not better to let society in its collective judgement decide and take responsibility....not based upon what SHE NEEDS or would benefit from....but as just consequences...for her acts?

I agree. Let the chips fall where they may...but don't meddle.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Ugh, waiting for something to happen is just the worst. I think you're doing great, though.

When she was in her early 20s, Oldest used to try to find ways to come home (I kicked her out at 19, for a multitude of reasons). It was exhausting dealing with the constant back and forth, the promises to be better, the "woe is me" stories. But at one point, my therapist said to me, "most adult kids work to find ways to LEAVE home - not to go BACK home. Tell her she has it backwards!" That was one of those "light bulb" moments for me.

Hang in there!

 

[Rina]

No, you are not a bad mother for wanting your daughter to get arrested. You are a caring mother who wants her daughter to be in a place that keeps her safe since she is not willing/able to do that right now. When my son was away for two weeks, I secretly prayed for him to get arrested, so he would be at a place where he would not be able to use drugs and where he might get the help he needs. Wanting your daughter to be safe and get help does not make you a bad mother, on thecontrary.

 

[WearyMom18]

I don't personally want to meddle in the activities or process of the law in my daughter's case but I do mirror the worry that my husband has that she won't be held accountable for her actions effectively and that she will remain on the street or whomever she stays with to continue using. As you have all mentioned, we are caring parents that wants safety for our child and I think the desire for jail time is in line with that but I also want her to be arrested for the warrants she has on her own - independent of anything we could do to make it happen sooner. Ideally, she would get arrested while in a vehicle that gets pulled over or being caught doing something illegal, without us involved at all - this would be the most 'therapeutic' for her, if that makes sense. Direct consequences of her actions - independently.

I know she says she wants to come home but then I never heard from her again after she said that on saturday - nothing at all yesterday and nothing so far this morning - which tells me she got whatever she was needing which was probably money for drugs and now she's okay again - doesn't need mom and dad. We are feeling exhausted and frankly, fed up, with this cycle which is why we want her locked up as soon as possible - so she can't just do whatever she wants, even if it's to prevent her from calling 8 or 10 times a day begging us. I think it's our fatigue with the whole thing that has us sometimes feeling desperate for it to stop - and that's when we think of how we could get her arrested much more quickly than it might happen on its own - to ease our struggle.

I know that is probably selfish but it's the truth.

I block numbers until I am blue in the face and she always finds a way to call or text again - it's like she is bound and determined to drive me crazy! She refuses to acknowledge anyone's feelings and needs but her own which I know is the addiction most likely and to limit availability to her is tough when she is such a resourceful girl!

All I can do is weather each day, she is going to do what she's going to do to try and wear me down, give her money or let her come home and I will just keep repeating the same answers over and over again. It's the only way - and hopefully she will get to jail sooner than later. Lord knows she and I both need it.

 

[DoneDad]

I block numbers until I am blue in the face and she always finds a way to call or text again - it's like she is bound and determined to drive me crazy! She refuses to acknowledge anyone's feelings and needs but her own which I know is the addiction most likely and to limit availability to her is tough when she is such a resourceful girl!

Sorry you're being harassed like this. You could consider not answering numbers you don't recognize and just deleting the texts. Like you say, she's resourceful and will figure things out.

I know it's frustrating that they can't see beyond the next two minutes and that their actions have consequences.

 

[Childofmine]

Hang in there WearyMom. You are at the rock bottom of sick and tired. You have to get to that point before you can do the hard work of change. That is the bright side.

On the other side, I know how exhausting and hard this is.

If you can...as you can...relax, breathe, let go. Things have a way of happening just as they should, without our help.

Keep the focus on you. You're worth it, and peace is ahead.

Warm hugs.

 

[Echolette]

I never answer unknown calls anymore. They all go to voicemail. IT is rare that that is a problem, or even an inconvenience. Its kind of nice to not jump and answer the phone just because it is ringing.

I am sorry you are so exhausted. COM is right...this is the bottom. You will feel better at some point.

Echo

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow~ you are amazing, Wearymom! I am so proud of you. This is SO very, very hard. You are so strong. And I know what you mean by wanting them to bring her in so you know that she's safe. {{hugs}}

 

[WearyMom18]

I came home from a fun dinner with my team at work this evening to find my husband reading texts on a small, cheap cell phone. I recognized it as a cheap prepaid phone we bought Difficult Child about 3 years ago. Apparently, this last time when she was home at the end of March she put her SUM card in it after she destroyed the one she had. It was under the seat in my husband's spare truck apparently lost there by our Difficult Child.

H hadn't remembered the phone and charged it to see if he could find out who it belongs to...well he certainly got an eyeful.

Just 1 and 2 days before she left on the first of April, she was texting various people with the following:

1. Asking a guy to come over and have sex with her (2x)

2. Asking for wapow (not sure what that is), 'a gram', some stuff, etc with promise to pay at a later date

3. Stated she has a pistol and offered two people to buy it. This is of interest mainly because almost a year ago, she brought some of her addict friends over while we were working and they stole 2 pistols from us along with several tools and stereo equipment from my husband. We reported the guns stolen and she later admitted to us that she let her friends steal them to sell for dope. Now we're wondering what pistol she's talking about. The police wanted us to file charges on her for stealing firearms. It's a state jail felony with a possibly penalty of 10 years. We didn't file the charges then so now I'm not sure if she has our guns or someone else's gun, either way I don't want stolen firearms in my home.

So she was at home, had a job and we thought she was improving but apparently not! It's disgusting what she was texting to people she calls friends.

It's just another nail in her coffin and more reassurance that our daughter is very sick and has major problems AND that we are doing the right thing.

Ugh, not a way to end the day.

 

[Copabanana]

You are clear, strong and true.

 

[Copabanana]

It may be that she is sick, it may be because she is an addict, it may be both. She has lied about her role in crimes committed against you: her responsibility in the theft of your guns, and she continued to lie, while it seems she concealed the gun. She may have allowed dangerous people into your home.

She has violated your home and you. She is not your baby girl anymore. As harsh as this sounds, she is on the road to becoming a convicted felon.

When my adult child shows distress, I have engaged with her as if I still had the same range of responsibilities and control as when she was small. She pulls for this. It gives her certain advantages. She can get me to take responsibility, and can continue to get things she wants. She calls the shots. SHE KNOWS SHE HAS FULL CONTROL to sabotage. This dance gives her power over me, at the cost of achieving maturity and personal power. I am learning this.

 

[BusynMember]

In my opinion, if you feel your grown child could be harmful to you, she either accepts rehab or leaves anyway. You can't help anybody who is unwilling to help herself. The pistol is scary and frankly inviting strange men into the home is also dangerous. We have a right to be safe at home. If she is mentally ill, there are treatment centers.

 

[Childofmine]

Weary, I believe we run across more information about our difficult children in bits and pieces and when the time is right.

The time was right for you to learn this new information.

Getting the real and full truth all at once would just about literally kill all of us.

So just for now...you have a clearer picture than before and your doubts are erased...for now.

I believe I know the tip of the iceberg about my son's life over the past six to eight years...possibly much longer.

This is our higher power at work in my humble opinion.

I am praying that she very soon is stopped and getting the help she needs. Maybe these events must play out in order for her to hit a bottom.

Hugs and prayers for you today.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Coming in late, Weary. I've been working. You are a good mother. Your child is actually a good child. Drug use messes everything up.

Everything.

We need to be strong enough to see them through it. It is a hard and painful and hopeless place to be. You did not do this, and your child did not do it. Not really, she didn't. What we need to figure out, as their moms, is how best to respond. Sometimes, and I have been there, too, it gets to be about living through the next moments, the next hours, the next days.

This is not easy.

Give yourself that credit, that grace.

There is no right answer.

You are doing the best you know.

Love her, cherish both your child and yourself. I do know that when the kids stop using drugs, they are our same sweet children. When they are using, and addiction is not something so easy to turn away from, they are not our children.

They are hateful, manipulative addicts.

We must excuse that in them. But we must be very wise. If our children are addicted, we need to face that true thing. We must learn to deal with the addiction. Our children are trapped in there somewhere, this is true. But when the addiction has them, we need to deal with the addiction.

We cannot change that for them.

They need to marshal the strength to beat the addiction on their own.

That is the one true thing we can know, for ourselves, and for them.

Read on Substance Abuse. Read here. When people stop using, they are themselves, again. When that happens? They do not need us. So, when they need us...that is when we cannot help. Then, it is time for us to learn to survive saying no to your own needy, addicted child. There are tools. We know some of them. We have been where you are.

We made it.

Our children are wherever they are in their process.

I am so sorry this happened to you and to your child.

You are here with us.

It is what it is.

But we are here, together, and that is better than alone.

Cedar