Once addict always an addict ????

[Guilty Mom]

Thanks for your reply. He has a job so I told him he would need to take the bus to work and back to the shelter. Not sure what he will have to eat at work with no car/no money. I really don’t want to go back to him living at home. It makes our home miserable. He said he doesn’t want a relationship with his Dad. Addicts are so good at lying. I feel at age 57 I want to have a life. We have been involved in this so long. It has to stop.

 

[BusynMember]

It is hard, but you deserve a life. You can't stop your son's drama, but you can minimalize your contact with it.

My daughter walked to and from work in the Chicago winter. She survived. Even if they "need" (usually it is more like want) a car for work, should we help them risk their own lives and the lives of others to make us feel better? I don't understand helping an intoxicated adult kid drive while intoxicated for any reason, even a job. It's unsafe and we all know that substance abuse is a part of at least half car accodent fatalities. The bus sounds good.

We worry too much about food. Trust me, your son has some money. They don't slways get it legally....drug sales, selling other things (the car?), panhandling, stealing etc. If he has small change, and if he didn't he would be guilting you about that, he can get stuff out of a vending machine. Many of us don't eat full meals at work. He works so he should have money. The shelter should give him other meals.

Please get therapy to help you take your life back. You deserve amazing golden years.

 

[Littleboylost]

I know you have been given excellent advice here. Know you are not alone in this struggle. Although our son is just 18 we have put him out and he would not be welcome here if he wasn't waiting for a rehab bed.
Nor easy decisions to make but like others our sons addiction and thievery ramp up when he is at home. Easy street is not the right street for them.
I watched an older cousin rob his deaf mother, my aunt of everything she owned. She was left homeless and penniless in her old age. I helped my mother extricate this addicted son from her life at 86 years of age. We got her out of the uninsulated shed he had her in in the back of her own home, he already had her sign the property over to him. There were several mortgages on it. We got her into first a hospital where she was near to death and then into a nursing home. She died 18 months later. Her other living child was greatful for our help. He had tried so often to intervene with no luck. We had her son removed as POA and the hospital allowed him contact and he took POA back. He took her retirements funds out every month. It was disgusting. When she died the hospital and home called my mother and my other cousin to settle back expenses not covered by social programs. We advised them to contact her POA.

This was a strong lesson for me to understand that drugged children will take and take and take and put themselves first even at the expense of your own demise.

Has your husband sought any counselling to help him with his feelings?

There are shelters and when it gets very cold more temporary beds get opened. Our son chose the street when he was put out and was arrested. I truly went through a terrible time thinking this was all our fault because we put him out. I now know this is nit the case. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I also know the strife of not being on the same page with your spouse. My husband and I went through this struggle and it almost cost us our marriage. We have spent a lot of time in counselling to get through this difficult time.

Remember addicts lie, steal and cheat. Protect yourself. My son recently came home after crashing with his girlfriend for a month. He stayed up till 4am gaming and was smoking pot in our back yard. The waft of the odour stunk up the whole house when he came in. Woke me up and I had to be at work the next day. They don't care about others when they drug. I said not in my house my house my rules. He left yesterday again and is probably back at GFs house. Not going to change my rules because other parents allow this crap to go on. Sorry.

Again not easy to do but allowing this behaviour will not help him either. When he goes to rehab and if he gets though the program he will know he is welcome here but our boundaries are what they are.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Hi
Sorry to hear your story. My son has stayed with both sets of grandparents because neither could be so harsh as me as to put him out. Both couldn't cope when the 'real him' came out and both asked him to leave. Your mum will make her own decision if he plays up. Hugs x