One Proud Momma

[Hound dog]

I look at Nichole these days and often think back to her teen years and think "wow! Is this really the same person?" The Nichole I see today is even much different from the one I saw two years ago or last year.

She has been working on getting/staying stable, and her behavior/anger issues since Aubrey came into this world. It's been a long road with some pretty bad spots, but I think she is reaching the other side or at least getting close to it. I couldn't begin to imagine the number of long discussions we've had over the years, the number of times that I've literally grabbed her forced her to look me in the eye and told her that I love her, I believe in her, and that she is not the sum of her behaviors. I've worked hard to get her to trust herself, to believe in herself, to love herself for the person she is. I know I put in much time and physical effort with Travis, but in all honestly, Nichole was the child who challenged me the most and the one I was most scared of never being able to reach. The two of us are so very much alike that I knew exactly what I was up against. You'd think that would help.........and in many ways it did, but it also meant I knew what I was up against and that I very well might fail miserably.

Maturity is covering my daughter like a cape. While she's not more perfect than the rest of us, she's an awesome Mom to Aubrey, just as I knew she would be as long as she believed in herself and trusted her own instincts and what she'd been taught. She's spent the last couple of years trying to decide what she wants for her life, not unlike most kids her age. She has though long and hard, tried several things. But has finally come down to she just wants to be a full time Mommy while Aubrey and the baby to come are little.

She and boyfriend are planning to wed next sept. She is thrilled.

But........

Some of the old issues between those two are still there. Well, I'm not sure it's really "between" them as it's boyfriend who actually has the issues. Nichole has just finally decided he is going to respect her and her wishes or there will be no more relationship, that she is a person in her own right able to make her own decisions about her own life.

Needless to say boyfriend is not dealing with that very well. He flat out doesn't want her to be a stay at home mom and calls her lazy for wanting to do it, or a moocher. Since she is at home now, he expects (yup exactly what he told her) the apartment to be spotless and dinner to be made......then feels free to mess it up while he's home. If she doesn't clean it to his expectations he will carry on and on.......if she gets mad and tells him off, he was only "joking" but will continue. I had them over for dinner this weekend and the fool started it here. It didn't go well for him. lol But I was very proud of Nichole because she got that Momma look in her eye, faced him down, and told him in the Momma voice she did NOT appreciate what he had to say and if he truly felt that way then perhaps they need to rethink the whole marriage thing. boyfriend shut up fast. She was dead serious and you had to be blind not to know it.

So tonight she is chatting and seems he's started it again. He puts her down for just wanting to be a full time parent. He acts like holding down a house, raising their daughter is a piece of cake......especially since she spends the larger part of every day tossing her cookies or nauseaous. This from the guy who couldn't handle it for 3 months while he was on summer break from school and nichole was working........their house was trashed, half the time aubrey wasn't even dressed omg!

She's fed up with being disrespected. She loves him, but she's sick of his behaviors. She has changed so much while he has changed not so very much. And she is finally seeing that. He has changed, but when it comes to this junk......no, he hasn't really it's just a lot less than before.

I told her they really need to get this worked out before they get married or there is no point because it's just not going to last. She agreed. OMG She agreed!

These are boyfriend's issues. He has an issue with commitment. He has issues with the way he views females....... like they are only out to take advantage of him. As long as he continues to view females that way........it will never work. I think this stems from anxiety......I'm pretty darn sure it does.......but still, Nichole has had enough of it.

Again I was proud of Nichole because she didn't go do something childish or go off the deep end or any of the old behaviors. She came to me for advice.....which I just sort of really drug out what she was feeling instead of advising. Then talked to him after Aubrey went to bed. Who knows if he actually listened this time. I hope he did. Because the whole marriage thing has seemed to bring these issues of his into sharp focus for Nichole, and she is ready to walk away for good if he can't change his behavior/attitude toward her.

And this is what she posted to my facebook the other day totally out of the blue :

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am to have a mother that was so supportive, took my side when I needed it, believed me when no one else did, and stood up for me. I couldn't have done this with out you, I couldn't have been a good mother to my daughter if I didn...'t have someone show me how, and I know for damn sure me and boyfriend wouldn't have got this far with out you! I love you so much!!!! ♥

When I saw it I just sat there and sobbed like a big baby. lol Yup. Proud of my little girl. She is rapidly growing into the woman I always knew she could be. And if boyfriend isn't careful........he's going to lose her. Idiot.

Now let's just hope I haven't triggered the board curse. lol

And I hope that by some miracle I can reach Katie. sigh There are too many difficult children in my life lol

 

[DammitJanet]

Well she obviously has more sense than the goldfish I have living here. Actually I think I am giving him too much credit...maybe a moth.

I hope she can figure out the drama. Maybe reading a few Dr Phil books would help. He has them on tape too. Really knowing what you are getting into before you put that ring on his better than making that mistake and being sorry after.

 

[busywend]

Would it help if she related it to AUbrey? Like telling boyfriend "you wouldn't want Aubrey to be treated this way by a man someday, would you? She will learn from our relationship how she is to be treated."

 

[toughlovin]

I am glad she is doing well and standing up for herself. I have to say the boyfriend really concerns me. He sounds very controlling which is what is at the heart of abusive men. It is very very hard for a man who is abusive to change because it comes back to how he looks at the world and at women. A really really great book on the subject is called "Why does he do that, inside the minds of Controlling Men" (I think that is the last part of the title). Anyway it is by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend you get this book and have both of you read it.

 

[CrazyinVA]

This is a great post to read. I'm proud of Nichole, too And of YOU! I'm waiting for my Youngest to get to that point, and this gives me some hope. She's in a pretty bad place right now, and both her life and mine are about to change drastically again.

 

[shellyd67]

Awesome ! What a beautiful letter ...

 

[susiestar]

WOW! She has changed a lot. I was also thinking that he sounds like he is WELL on the road to becoming abusive, just from the spotless house ****. I am glad she sees this. I worry about this generation of young women because dating/partner/spousal abuse is so widely accepted among so many of them. I can remember the horror I felt when my 2nd roommate in the dorm told me that every relationship had times when the guy hit the girl, it was part of how you know he truly cares about you. If he hasn't hit you at least once then you are not a "committed" couple.

I hope that Nichole can reach him and he can learn. She might find a consult iwth the DV center to be helpful. I know here that type/level of demand and put downs is considered verbally abusive and down that abuse road toward physical. He really might benefit from a men's group where he can really learn WHY this isn't OK and how to become more secure as a person so he doesn't HAVE to feel like he has to control her every move.

The angle that this is what Aubrey will look for in a man if this continues at all is one that they BOTH need to think long and hard about. It might get through to him, or he might think it is just the "job" of the female and not have a problem with it - if that is the case then the problem is much more serious. Has Nichole looked at this from the viewpoint of teaching Aubrey what to look for in a life partner? I know seeing it in that light led me to make personal changes and push husband to make them also.

 

[AnnieO]

Lisa, I've been thinking about this for quite a while... I have a friend whose husband did quite a lot of this. Now, she has not told me much recently, but I get the impression he's still up to it - and that he was none too happy that she confided in me. Which makes things worse, in my opinion.

If she continues to stand up to him - there is every possibility he will stop. But she canNOT back down. Every so often, husband will ask me to do something, I'll say - in a second - and he'll say "NOW, woman!" But he's laughing. It's a joke between us, after what BM put him through. Regardless - if someone outside saw that - they might not see it the way I do.

The other possibility is he will get worse, and/or leave. Can Nichole deal with that? If he does get worse, she will have to. For herself. For Aubrey. And for the baby.

 

[KTMom91]

You have every right to be proud, Lisa. Hopefully boyfriend will recognize that Nichole isn't playing, and he'll get it together ASAP.

 

[Hound dog]

For the first time in all their years together Nichole is looking at boyfriend through an adult woman's eyes realistically. She is not backing down. She spent much of last night showing him that he is actually the one "wasting" a lot of money on things like ordering pizza or running out to fast food places, when she can make the same stuff at home most of the time and for much cheaper. Like this evening he wanted to pick up pizza at aldi's. Now aldi's is cheap. But Tony's pizza is usually 2 for 5 bucks at most stores and in my opinion tastes loads better than the aldi's one. Nichole made him take her to walmart to get the Tony's and he nearly passed out. For 5 bucks they got 2 Tony's pizzas instead of the 60 bucks it would've cost them to order in. (he does this twice a wk) She told him this is what she meant. He never listens to her. In his opinion she knows nothing. Idiot. She was taught by a top notch penny pincher (me) the girl knows how to save and hold on to money, trust me. She knows all the tricks to finding the best deals.

She's serious. Dead serious. Nichole is prepared to walk away if he doesn't change this behavior. boyfriend will not go for help of any sort. He did once via his dad as a teen...........and his mom went totally ballistic drama queen on him. It was very bad. So he won't even consider it again. He does need help. He has issues he needs to work through with a professional, issues that are a big part of this controlling behavior. I don't know if he will be able to get past those issues on his own or not. I hope so, because Nichole has though long and hard on this for months.......she's not playing games.

I've no doubt she'll not back down. This has been an issue for years, and she's never backed down or given in ........it's her response that has change. Used to explode into all out drama........and honey I mean d r a m a! boyfriend seems to feed on drama, or at least feel comfortable with it. Not surprising given his mom the drama queen. The look he gave her when she used the momma voice and look saturday was utterly priceless.........I saw the fear in his eyes. I've never seen him shut up and back down like that. He knew she was serious. Which is good because it gives her the confidence and reinforcement that adults don't need to resort to drama to get their point across in a big way.

 

[susiestar]

Your daughter is now a WOMAN!! Congratulations, Warrior Mom! You have done an excellent job and continue to do one - with ALL of your kids.

Isn't it wonderful when you see your daughter come into her own? Really be the mature adult you knew was hiding inside? I am beaming with pride as I read this, and I am just a cyber-auntie!

 

[dashcat]

Isn't it wonderful to see so much of your hard work pay off? She was listening all the while, and now she is proving it! I pray she continues to stick to her guns with the jBF. He sounds like an overgrown child.

 

[trinityroyal]

Yay Nichole! I too am so proud to hear about how she is handling this situation. I agree that she needs to keep a very close eye on boyfriend's behaviour, but it's great that she is standing up for herself. She will prove to herself that she's worthy of being treated properly and she will set a wonderful example for Aubrey.

 

[HaoZi]

I'm proud of her. I wonder if seeing Katie and M really solidified some of it in her mind of what she might be looking at years down the road?