Open Topic - Preserving our easy child Relationships

[DDD]

Not to be morose but difficult children impact multigenerationaly. Often it
is necessary (or circumstances make it seem necessary) to care
for difficult children offspring. I am not the only Grandma here who is now
acting as a parent! That prevents your easy child kids from having a
"normal Grandma" doting on easy child grandchildren. I understand the
issue. I rue the lack of time, energy, resources that prevent
us from really bonding with the other nine kids. We have no way
to go visit. That causes easy child issues to continue on. None of the
PCs say "forget easy child/difficult child and difficult child and get to know and love our easy child
kids". Nope. They are PCs. Sadly they and their families still
get the short end of the stick. DDD

 

[Wiped Out]

I haven't had time to read all the responses. My easy child has definitely struggled having a difficult child brother. I think there is a lot of anger and hurt. We have her in therapy due to having difficult child for a brother. I think at some level she understands he is ill but on another level she has suffered and it's hard.

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Wiped Out</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I haven't had time to read all the responses. My easy child has definitely struggled having a difficult child brother. I think there is a lot of anger and hurt. We have her in therapy due to having difficult child for a brother. I think at some level she understands he is ill but on another level she has suffered and it's hard. </div></div>

Wiped out, I completely understand. My biggest problem with my easy child is that she doesn't understand that there are some behaviours with my difficult child that are beyond our control at the moment. She doesn't undserstand why we "tolerate" something when he does it, but get upset when she does the same thing.

I've had to be more brutal and truthful than I wanted, but I had to admit to easy child that we made mistakes with her brother - mistakes that aren't easily undone, and are now made worse by his own poor choices and actions.

However, the fact that we can't do anything about his behaviours doesn't mean we condone them, nor does it mean that we'll let her get away with them as well "just to be even". It's the old two wrongs don't make a right, argument.

So far, she's buying it, but she's also still young enough to have some significant control over right now. When she's older, I worry that she'll have learned the fine art of manipulation from her brother, "learning at the feet of the master".

So preserving my relationship with my easy child is a delicate balance between trying to have a "normal" relationship with her, but not allowing the evil essence of difficult child-ness to creep in and taint her. I call a spade a spade, and so far that works.

YMMV, though.

Mikey

 

[Kjs]

easy child is 12 years older. difficult child started off rough, with colic, ear infections, other health issues. Cried for the first year of his life. (SCREAMED with colic) easy child was kind of lost at that time. Everyone's life seemed to revolve around difficult child. Today, easy child is 24, and is idolized by difficult child. They talk, difficult child calls him when he is having a rough time. easy child lives out of town, but comes home atleast every other week for work issues. Looking back, I feel bad that easy child was left out while trying to stop difficult child from crying. easy child...doesn't ever want children.
So, I had two "only children" mostly. easy child can get through to difficult child when everyone else fails.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Mikey,

Great post!!! I read it the other day but didn't have time to respond. I constantly worry about the negative impact living with two difficult child brothers has on easy child. She seems like a happy, well-adjusted kid, but I can't believe that all of the drama in our household doesn't have a negative effect on her...

It seems so unfair that many times, or should I say most of the time, life at home revolves around the moods of my difficult children. Life at home is NEVER stress free for husband and I. I'm sure easy child picks up on this...

I try to spend as much quality one on one time with easy child as possible. When she asks questions about her brothers, I try to answer them as honestly and openly as I can. When she is upset or embarrassed by something one of them did in front of her friends, I let her vent away... I try to find something positive in every negative situation. I think living with difficult child brothers has made her more accepting of the differences in others.

Anyway, during the summer months, her brothers have always spent at least four weeks at YMCA day camp. Last year, difficult child 1 spent three weeks at an overnight camp. easy child and I always spend lots of quality time together in the summers. It makes me so sad though... easy child's life should be as carefree the rest of the year, as it is when her brothers are at camp in the summer time... WFEN

 

[mum2JK&TH]

It is the main reason why we have given up many, many, many things to give easy child her pony. It is time for just her and I to spend together with no difficult child (he hates going) a few times a week. She more loses out with husband but I don't know if that is because difficult child is a difficult child or because he is a boy and they have more interests.

We have noticed though recently that she has an incredible amount of anger. Last night we were all playing a tennis game on the console and she made a mistake. She got so angry that she ripped her necklace off her neck. She was devestated that she broke it (she kept saying "I didn't want to break it") but she was that angry and this isn't the first time. Maybe it's puberty but I think she's angry with all the attention difficult child gets, I know I would be.

We do our best. Like WFEN she has a wonderful acceptance of those who have differences but she is missing out on the care-free childhood.

 

[KFld]

I have a wonderful relationship with my 17 year old easy child daughter, but it wasn't easy for her when difficult child was living home and our lives revolved around what he was doing. Luckily I had people around me who constantly reminded me not to let her get lost in all of this. I was very honest with her about what her brother was doing and always filled her in on all the decisions husband and I were making in regards to him. She was very resentful for quite sometime because he was stealing from her and my focus was consumed by him somedays. Luckily for me she is a strong young lady who can actually joke about some of the things that happened in our home during the time difficult child was still living there. In August it will be 2 years since he lived home and luckily we all recovered from all the drama and have moved on into a healthy relatioship between us all.

One of the biggest things I joke about, which she doesn't find too funny, is that she just got her license 6 months ago and wants to look for a new car already when she has a really nice one she should keep for awhile. Our difficult child went through a stage of selling, buying, losing cars etc. for the first 3 years he had his license. He actually probably went through about 10 cars in 3 years and when she reminded me of this I told her that she's lucky, we made all our mistakes with him and learned from them, so now we won't make them again with her :smile: so that is why we won't let her sell her car. Like I said, she doesn't find that too funny!

My daughter is very mature in some ways and very perceptive, so I think that really helped her handle what was going on.

I don't know what I would do without her.