Out of control 15yo son breaking my heart and the law

[Cor]

The truth is when our kids are sick we are too.

We need help as much as they do!

This is so true and something I've learned along my journey. I'm a firm believer in it and that is why I feel it's time I focus on getting myself right too. Obviously I'm not in a great place, but I do have a good enough head on my shoulders to know when I need help and I'm strong enough to get it. Which makes me proud of myself, I have come a long way in my own life to say that Xo

 

[Cor]

I was dealing with a girl and they have similar issues. Not the same. Similar. Such as needing to feel pretty and liked by boys and sexual acting out has bigger consequences than with boys (i raised two of both.)

I also have a son with high functioning autism and he and his younger sister were afraid of my daughter when she went on a drug rage, once putting her arm through glass, once pulling a knife on herself and putting it to her neck. I called 911 hoping they would take her to a hospital. They did, but they handcuffed her and threw her in the back seat of a police car and thats how she drove there.

We all bawled.

I was at the time in denial and still thought she just smoked pot and maybe had a mental illess. (Since being clean she has no symptoms of mental health issues).

My younger kids could not handle my oldest childs drama. One night we went out, leaving daughter alone to watch the dogs. We came home early to a pill party and that was when we finally made her leave. It was such a betrayal. She had sworn she was clean now and promised not to let anyone in the house. She left at 19 and did not take long to quit, even cigarettes.

I think girls and boys are equally difficult. I have one difficult one of both sexes but also one easy one of each sex. All are now doing well, on their own, clean, law abiding. There is light at the end of the tunnel for many.

Although you did not cause this with your son, there are ways to deal with Son that may help him. I think therapy is a great idea so you can learn to cope. You are very important and matter too. You need to be able to calm down and tske oe day at a time. If you get sick, you can be there for nobody, including yourself.

Please keep us updated.

You are one strong person and I look up to that strength. It was hard, but you did what you had to and thankfully a good outcome which I hope you are proud of

I have always wanted to be naive and just believe everything NR(15) has said to me but it all came crashing down within this past year, first slowly...and I missed signs I should have caught on to. Denial does damage and I just wasn't in a place to see that's what it was. Now that I know a lot more, it definitely makes me question anything he says or does and anything else he could be doing behind my back. I definitely think a drug test is needed because I need to know exactly what I am up against and cannot trust him to be honest enough to tell me. your story gives me courage that I need to know and not just assume it's only pot like he says.

I'm ready and willing to do anything I can to help him and help myself and family get through this. It's a nightmare I wish I could just wake up from already, but the truth is it's my reality right now and it is miserable to say the least.

I definetely relate to what you are saying about girls as well as I actually was one of those girls once upon a time... I was looking for love and attention and to be liked and I did it by acting out... having sex with random guys, stealing, lying, drugs... I have been in this mess myself before and it took getting pregnant at 16 with NR(15) to get me to completely straighten out my life for the best. Ironic, isn't it?

 

[Littleboylost]

Welcome Cor;

Like RN our stories are far more similar than different. Yo I have gotten some excelent advice here.
Stay strong and be good to yourself.

 

[BusynMember]

Drug tests arent that reliable. Certain drugs dont show up and our drug smart kids know which ones. Also certain drugs are fast in/fast out.

Have you ever searched his room, especially in odd places, or read his cell phone messages? None of us want to snoop, but their young lives are at stake and knowlege is power. They are underage living in our home. And in trouble. I would be really shocked if your son were stealing for pot.

I wish you luck in getting answers.

 

[Cor]

Drug tests arent that reliable. Certain drugs dont show up and our drug smart kids know which ones. Also certain drugs are fast in/fast out.

Have you ever searched his room, especially in odd places, or read his cell phone messages? None of us want to snoop, but their young lives are at stake and knowlege is power. They are underage living in our home. And in trouble. I would be really shocked if your son were stealing for pot.

I wish you luck in getting answers.

I search his room and odd spots that most would probably never look, his bag, his pockets frequently and once I found a bit of weed...which he actually left just sitting on a shelf in his room..and a cigarette hiding in an old cellphone box that was on his shelf. Oh, and there was one time I did a backpack inspection and found a pipe that smelled like weed and I got the classic "holding it for a friend" line....smh. I know drug tests are tricky like that and that is a concern for me. I think part of why he steals is to sell things to be able to buy weed, but also stealing things to keep for himself. He "finds" a lot of things

I hate not knowing for sure if there is more than just weed involved and where I'm at with him, I just can't trust anything he says and I'm on high alert.. always on the lookout to see if I find anything that is concerning.

I've looked through his social media and his friends profiles etc and texts and nothing ever mentioned other than "loud" which is slang for weed.

 

[ksm]

To be honest, I haven't read all the responses. But I have been dealing with similar issues with our adopted teen granddaughter.

1. Start with the school truancy officer. Pressure the officer to give child consequences. each and every time. Even if it means going to court.

2. Keep searching his room and other areas of the house. If you find any pipes, weed, bongs, etc. call the police and tell them you have found drugs and paraphernalia in your home.

3. Tell your son, if he runs off, you will give him a set time to cool off and come back home, if not, call the police and report him as runaway.

4. Any physical contact by your son, or threats of violence...call the police.

5. If he can't follow rules, cancel his phone. If he can still use it on wifi at home at night, unplug it, or change password.

You need a paper trail that you are trying to parent your child and that he isn't following rules. Otherwise, if he gets in trouble, they will look at what you have or haven't done to keep him under control.

Maybe after a pattern of reports, he can be forced to get help.

Also, if you drug test, do it first thing in the morning, as the levels are usually higher...

Ksm

 

[At a Loss & Confused]

Hi everyone, my name is Cor and I am new to this site. I am a broken mom holding on by a thread. Honestly I just don't even know what to do anymore. My 15 yo son within this past year has taken up hanging with the wrong crowd(trying hard to fit in)...smoking/stealing/selling weed, cigarettes, being disrespectful to authority(especially to me), skipping school and not putting much effort there at all...to lying about many many things, stealing all sorts of things from family members and others, to lastly just 2 weeks ago getting arrested for robbery and dangerous weapons. He apparently robbed someone he was getting weed from and who he was also selling weed to of their cellphone and metro pass with a knife.
You would like to think that being arrested and detained for 10hours with the police was enough to scare him straight...it worked for about a week. Then he had started going back to school(serious need for freedom and "friends") and now, it's nothing but skipping school again, and disregarding all our advice, guidance and not caring at all to follow the two rules we have for him currently which is come home by 4pm and no skipping. He has a court date in October and doesn't seem to care when we say this will affect the outcome of his case.
I am at my wits end. Daily phone calls from principals and teachers letting me know he's not in class, me feeling defeated day in day out not knowing how to get through to him anymore. He's always telling me I talk too much and to stop talking he doesn't want to hear it and this angers me. He has no care or concern about how he's treated all of us, no remorse or signs of wanting to change his ways and this crushes me. I deal with my own depression and anxiety and I can't express how hard this whole ordeal since he was arrested has been. I have him in counselling, and I feel he needs to go to the doctor but I know that's going to be a fight and not even sure what process to start because I don't know what is wrong but my mom instinct tells me there's deeper issues I just don't know what.. depression? ADHD? ODD? Bipolar? Anger issues? I have no idea.
this past year I've watched my sweet, empathetic, kind, loving son turn into some little wannabe "thug" who acted like jekyl and Hyde for a whole year.. at home acted like a typical teen who was late for curfew and started skipping school to someone I see throwing his life away to fit in and be cool and bad...I'm broken and don't know how to help my son get through this and it doesn't help when he could care less it seems. I'm truly scared to see where things go from here and want to do anything I can to stop this train wreck but also feel defeated, drained, disrespected, hurt, and completely a mess myself. Been trying hard to stay strong, patient, understanding and loving yet firm and he just tries to manipulate me and if that doesn't work(which it hasn't been) that's when all the attitude, disrespect and lack of caring come in to play. Any words of advice or wisdom, help and support are greatly appreciated. I'm trying my utmost best here he has a big family and 4 parents here that love and care deeply and want to help him somehow before things get even worse. Where do we start?

My heart goes out to you and your family also, I truly cannot imagine what you have been through this far and how hard this has all been on you. Thankfully it sounds like you have a lot of support and love and are in a healthy strong place for yourself which is good! I pray for both your step kids that things will get better for them.

I am a stay at home mom, while partner works nights (which makes me feel like single mom) but I have definitely thought about military school. I need to start looking to google to do research about the options I have. There's quite a few so that is a start. An overwhelmingly sad start, but I'm willing to do anything to stop this from getting worse and worse.

I have sole custody so ultimately it's all on me to decide what happens next which is stressful enough on its own.

Thank you for helping me try to figure out this mess and what my possible steps can be next. I hadn't even thought of a social worker, but I'm sure they could help as well. I have a fear of him hating me if I choose to send him away, but In the same breath, I'm sick of him telling me "and this is why I don't want to live here"(me on his case, nagging)and he even had the gall to tell me yesterday to just call the police when I tried to explain if he keeps this behaviour up he will end up in a group home or jail. It's like he's just given up on himself and life and I wish I could shake him straight again.

It's at the point I think he's going to force my call and I'm going to have no choice but to do it to prove that I'm serious about everything and my boundaries.

Also at this point, the only people in my family that would be willing to take him in are his grandparents and they would just not be able to cope with this, he would continue to try and do whatever he wants and they would be left feeling helpless. Any other family members love him but don't even want him in their house as he's stolen from them too.

Cor, I totally understand what you are going through. My Son is currently in State Custody!!! The comments you have posted are similar to what I/we have and are experiencing. Make sure you understand everything about any papers you sign or verbal agreements you make with anyone who is "helping" with your situation. I should write a book and I might!!! I need an advocate to help me help my son!!! I thought I had that when I put my trust in the "authorities" and got a Public Defender. My point is know your rights and your sons! And if anyone out there reading this knows of an Advocate Program in Tennessee, please let me know!

 

[Wiped Out]

Just adding in my welcome. When my difficult child was at his worst I definitely went for therapy! That along with this place and my faith saved me. You have found a spot where others understand, and by the way... a sense of humor does go along way (your wine response ). My husband and I always maintained a dark sense of humor through it all. I think it helped us survive it! Be sure to do something for you. For my husband and me working out kept us sane!

 

[Cor]

Hey Everyone! So I'm not sure how to do an update, but this is my attempt lol - So it's been almost a year since I posted and just wanted to share that my now 16 yr old son is doing a lot better nowadays! He went through his court process, which he was referred to great program called got2change. It really helped him grow up and realize it was time to smarten up. He was also placed on a court curfew of 8pm, but because he wasnt paying attention, I told him 6pm and he abided fully. Also, with all his truancies, it was going to head to court with me as the parent getting a fine...but, I spoke up to the school board counsellor and begged for a different route. It was so clear to me my son was just not cut out for a large, mainstream high school and would (hopefully) better thrive in an alternative type setting. Thankfully I was heard and we got him into the Supervised Alternative Learning program... This allowed him to be able to pursue getting a job while going to school 2days a week. This was an answer to my prayers. He ended up going to a pre-employment program that also helped him learn and grow and land him a job working at a mechanic place. He's been there almost 6 months now and doing great. Never complains about going to work. No issues or complaints about going to school anymore either. He is still smoking cigs and weed, but other than that he is handling his responsibilities, showing more respect and caring about himself and others again. I've had a hard time accepting that he chooses to smoke, but he is growing up and I am learning that it's time for me to allow him to make his own decisions...also, baby steps. He no longer steals or skips school, has become more responsible and takes accountability for his actions which I am thankful for. He's come a long way this year, we've been through so much but we managed to get through the toughest patch of our lives yet. Sending love to you all. Being a parent is the most rewarding and yet toughest journey of our lives. XO

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

SO happy to hear that your son is turning things around. Sounds like he got exactly the right help at exactly the right time. Very happy to hear!

 

[AppleCori]

Wow! Great news!

Thanks for the update!

 

[Mumunderfire]

Cor you give me hope because I am like you in your earlier posts. That's me now at wits end! Will it ever end? I don't dare to dream it. .....