petrified for 23yo son..

[BusynMember]

sorry. this was a repeat post.

 

[TheWalrus]

One thing I will mention, since you worry he will call "actively suicidal" and you will "miss the opportunity to talk him down":

I learned the hard way I am a "rescuer." I like to try to "fix" things and "make it right," or "set things straight." A therapist told me, "You have taught your daughter how to manipulate you. She knows exactly what to say to spring you into action. Stop being predictable." It was a sobering thought. She had me trained like Pavlov's dog and I came running to save her every time she cried "wolf!"

When I first began to detach, quit feeding in, jumping at the chance to "help," it confused her. I quit being "immediately available" and became unpredictable in when I would answer the phone/text, call/text back, go see her, etc. And she ramped it up - trying harder and harder to pull the strings that had always made her puppet dance. I didn't let it affect my responses to her, and it made it more and more clear the therapist was right - she knew exactly how to make this dummy dance and my feet are tired!

Since, she has become "sneakier" in her attempts to hoover or manipulate or get me upset. No matter what, I don't give it to her. I keep the same, bland, bored tone of, "well that's good," and "I know you will figure it out." She doesn't call nearly as much because I don't feed in and give her the responses she is looking for.

And to me, to "listen to my VM" sounds a little like that. Like he is "ramping up" the bet to get you upset and going - and it did. He may escalate a bit at first when you detach to try to reel you back in, but when you quit biting the bait, the calls will lessen and be less intense.

 

[Copabanana]

He may escalate a bit at first when you detach to try to reel you back in, but when you quit biting the bait, the calls will lessen and be less intense.

This is exactly my experience with my son.

When I first started setting a limit on the phone my son could not bear to talk to me at all. He would either hang up or he would yell and I would say goodbye and hang up.

I learned to not speak at all. I said Hi, when he called. I did not call. I could not even ask the automatic how are you...because it would open a can of worms. I really did not want to know.

He would call, I said Hi, and goodbye. And maybe 2 more words. Max, if that.

There were things I would not listen to, too. Conspiracy theories, for one. I told him, I will not talk about that with you. And if he insisted, I said goodbye and hung up. I was very clear and very consistent.

I told him this: I want to talk about things that interest both of us. I do not want to hear your complaints. If you have something in your life you do not like, get treatment from a professional or change it. I do not want to hear about your troubles and sorrows if you choose to not do what you can do to change them.

I did not call him at all. In almost 5 months I maybe called once or twice. When he wanted to come home and visit I discouraged him.

After I set limits he began to call me to chat and to ask my advice. He seemed to accept my rules. He has not been disrespectful for awhile and he is not pushing the limits I have set.

Actually he seems to like that I have set limits. I think he feels more control and more hopeful...now that I have taken control for myself. That makes sense to me.

COPA

 

[SeaGenieTx]

I kicked my son out, set boundaries and he has moved in with a friend and his friends mother (single mom) has been taking care of both in her home. She is even my sons Facebook friend now liking his photos. My son hasn't called or texted me as he hates me and could care less if I'm dead or alive. I have no other family and this is heartbreaking for me but he was so awful and disrespectful towards me living in my home. I wonder if he will ever contact me again - he has obviously found new family quickly and is living rent free with another mom taking care of him. Makes me sick to my stomache because he is probably manipulating them while making me out to be a horrible mom who gave up on him and kicked him out.

I think I need to be unpredictable and just go completely silent. See if my son makes any attempt to contact me at all. Then if he does, not respond quickly. In the past I've cracked too quickly and reached out to him so he thinks I'm just sitting around doing nothing pining for him to come back so he is ignoring me. I need to not be available but the sad thing is - he might not even care anymore or ever want to talk to me again.

 

[Copabanana]

Seagenie, it is time to live for yourself.

Let him be. It really has nothing to do with you.

It is very hard for sons of single mother's to break away. They have to hate us in order to leave us. That is the only way they can bear it.

Trust me. He will come back. But it will have to be on your terms. Which is good for you and good for him.

Our sons cannot be allowed to trash us. Because by doing so, they are really trashing themselves.

Have hope. You have worked hard for so long. Try to do whatever you can do to make life sweet for yourself. There are other single mothers who post on this site.

Keep posting. As if your life depends upon it. I found my life changed substantially by posting. Even if you believe the threads do not pertain to you or you feel you cannot relate much, it still helps to post.

Take care.

COPA

PS Do not believe please that your son hates you and that he has found "new family." That happened with my son too. For more than two years friends of mine took him and asked nothing of him. I was humiliated and felt rejected. Before that he turned my neighbors against me and I was the subject of their gossip. I was in agony. I should not have been. I should have ignored it and gone my merry way.

Every single person eventually kicked my son out and told him to not come back.
There are people who seem to enjoy showing one up. In the long run it was my son who suffered.

Our sons love us. Probably too much. They have to be men. If they have to throw us over to do it, so be it. You are doing the right thing. That is what I think.

 

[Copabanana]

Seagenie, of course your son will contact you. Of course he will reach out to you. I have not a doubt in the world.

I agree with you though that it would be best to not pine for him. What about trying to find activities and people to fill your time and heart? New directions to go. Travel, if possible.

We will always love our sons but they cannot be the center of our lives now. It is not good for us or for them. That is the reality of things that I faced, finally. I have to live my own life, and he, his own.

COPA

 

[rebelson]

One thing I will mention, since you worry he will call "actively suicidal" and you will "miss the opportunity to talk him down":

I learned the hard way I am a "rescuer." I like to try to "fix" things and "make it right," or "set things straight." A therapist told me, "You have taught your daughter how to manipulate you. She knows exactly what to say to spring you into action. Stop being predictable." It was a sobering thought. She had me trained like Pavlov's dog and I came running to save her every time she cried "wolf!"

When I first began to detach, quit feeding in, jumping at the chance to "help," it confused her. I quit being "immediately available" and became unpredictable in when I would answer the phone/text, call/text back, go see her, etc. And she ramped it up - trying harder and harder to pull the strings that had always made her puppet dance. I didn't let it affect my responses to her, and it made it more and more clear the therapist was right - she knew exactly how to make this dummy dance and my feet are tired!

Since, she has become "sneakier" in her attempts to hoover or manipulate or get me upset. No matter what, I don't give it to her. I keep the same, bland, bored tone of, "well that's good," and "I know you will figure it out." She doesn't call nearly as much because I don't feed in and give her the responses she is looking for.

And to me, to "listen to my VM" sounds a little like that. Like he is "ramping up" the bet to get you upset and going - and it did. He may escalate a bit at first when you detach to try to reel you back in, but when you quit biting the bait, the calls will lessen and be less intense.

Your dtr is like my son. But, he's not been on his own for long. Just since August. He's never needed help from me to this extent, especially monetary wise. He has room rent to pay...never did before. He is making poor decisions with the use of the $ he does make/has made at his chinese food delivery job. When he goes on these 2-3 day binges (just got off the 3rd one in 2 months) he likely blows through $ quickly as he needs it to buy the booze. And depletes any positive balance his bank account may have. Then, he calls me to help, once the binge is over. Uh oh. I'm sober now, let me call mom for food $, gas $ as I blew thru what I had in an alcoholic daze!

Regarding your quote, "When I first began to detach, quit feeding in, jumping at the chance to "help," it confused her. I quit being "immediately available" and became unpredictable in when I would answer the phone/text, call/text back, go see her, etc." This is something that I have been working on in the past 2 months, with the 3 binges I've endured along with him (as he calls ME with the erratic and drunken crazy talk). But, my 'enmeshed and dysfunctional' thought process has me fearful that if I do what you recommend too abruptly, that he will not only be confused but he could take it as me rejecting him. (?) That might be a big blow to him? As 'I' (whether he admits it or not) am the ONLY one who has been a CONSTANT in his life (and the sucker), with unconditional love. When he has these drunken binges, it's ALWAYS been due to some sort of 'perceived rejection'. So, I am trying my hardest, but it will be slower for me. If I do something too fast, or before my head can comfortably wrap around it, then I know me...I will fail. That, or my anxiety will ramp up. I am already clenching/grinding HARD at night, I can tell because my upper left teeth are sore when I wake up and jaw muscles on that side, tender.

I am going to post an update in a bit, it might be long and don't have time this second. But, it will delve a bit more into this topic.

 

[rebelson]

This is exactly my experience with my son.

When I first started setting a limit on the phone my son could not bear to talk to me at all. He would either hang up or he would yell and I would say goodbye and hang up.

I learned to not speak at all. I said Hi, when he called. I did not call. I could not even ask the automatic how are you...because it would open a can of worms. I really did not want to know.

He would call, I said Hi, and goodbye. And maybe 2 more words. Max, if that.

There were things I would not listen to, too. Conspiracy theories, for one. I told him, I will not talk about that with you. And if he insisted, I said goodbye and hung up. I was very clear and very consistent.

I told him this: I want to talk about things that interest both of us. I do not want to hear your complaints. If you have something in your life you do not like, get treatment from a professional or change it. I do not want to hear about your troubles and sorrows if you choose to not do what you can do to change them.

I did not call him at all. In almost 5 months I maybe called once or twice. When he wanted to come home and visit I discouraged him.

After I set limits he began to call me to chat and to ask my advice. He seemed to accept my rules. He has not been disrespectful for awhile and he is not pushing the limits I have set.

Actually he seems to like that I have set limits. I think he feels more control and more hopeful...now that I have taken control for myself. That makes sense to me.

COPA

Very interesting. My son can do the same thing. How are you's? can open up a can of worms, ESPECIALLY when he's on the multi-day etoh binges. Like I wrote in a prior post from yesterday, the other night, after his very depressed VM he left me, I called him immediately (he sucked me in) & listened to him rant/vent, then after around 15mins of that, when I set a boundary and put out there, a solution which he was not fond of...in a matter of fact way, he did hang up on me. BUT, within 20 minutes, the texts started and they sounded way more stable than he was on our phone convo. Which baffles me cuz he was unstable on phone call then within 20 mins. texting a totally different mood. He was suddenly, after the hang up, able to pull himself together? Talk rational? Hm..I was so happy though. I was able to sleep a bit better.

I know. I sound hopeless.....

 

[rebelson]

Life isn't fair. I believe your husband tried hard to be a good role model, but your son did not accept him as his father. It is what it is. You can't change it. Obviously, your husband is not at fault that he was not accepted and this is not why your son is drinking.

I had a horrendous childhood. Worse than your son. At least you both love him. Nobody loved me. I did not abuse any substances ever and went for serious therapy very young and still continue in it. I worked out a lot of my problems. If your son has issues with his childhood (REAL issues, not made up) then he needs to get help, but you can't force him to. It's not on you to make him all better. He is an adult now. He has to do it. He can.

You can drive yourself crazy thinking "why."Meanwhile, Son is doing nada to help himself. If YOU care 51% and he only cares 49% you are investing too much caring. He has to care more than you do to get help. Thank you, ChildOfMine, for that one. I LOVE IT!

I hope you can have a serene and peaceful night, at least partly

I also had a HORRENDOUS childhood. My mother divorced father when I was 4-5, being the youngest I had 4 older sibs- 3 of which are brothers and they were already out of house, in college. Lucky them. My sister was still a minor, so for ~4yrs, post-divorce....I had her around. Then, she took off for college. It was just me and dysfunctional, histrionic mother (RIP) for the next 9. I still miss her HORRIBLY, it's been since Aug. 2011. I was dragged around FL, one town to the next, one apt to the next, very briefly to New Orleans (where she was from) and back to FL with her total of 4 more divorces in that next 13yrs. She married the same man twice, too. That is just a superficial description of what I endured. I had huge amount of forgiveness, I guess! And, I knew her childhood was horrible, her father ADORED her and her mother was cruel to her. They were also very wealthy so she was horrible with handling $, I suffered from that as often our lights would be turned off due to nonpayment, etc. Anyways, I came out of that horrible-ness and was a very successful, functional woman! She was so lucky that I was such a problem-free child, I EASILY could've turned to drugs and sex in hight school! Never ever did anything to give her one problem. I had compassion for her. Even when I was an adult, I NEVER, EVER once brought up any of that to her. Never had any resentment to her. Yes, I have moments where I think back on my childhood, and the feeling I feel, is sadness. I told my husband this past Halloween, that in the midst of all the costumes, trick-or-treating with our littles, I had a lightbulb, flashback moment. Or, rather could not find one. Meaning, I sat one day and tried my hardest to 'find' a memory of ME going trick-or-treating. I could not! I am not sure if I even ever went! I certainly can not ever imagine my mother taking me! She had so many fears...I would think she would've been too scared to go out after dark and also, she was not the type to do any type of exercise. So, I would imagine she wouldn't have been down with the walking part. Perhaps, my sister took me? But, can't imagine mom letting HER be out in the dark with me, either.

With all that said. One can have a truly horrible childhood and come out unscathed, like mois. OR, one can have a very stable childhood, like son did, and turn out like this. I realize he had a missing father, but nonetheless, his childhood was stable as in we lived in the same home, he stayed in the same school, same friends...had routine, we ate dinner together most nights, no excessive or crazy fighting with my hub/me, etc.

I guess it's a crapshoot.

 

[InsaneCdn]

With all that said. One can have a truly horrible childhood and come out unscathed, like mois. OR, one can have a very stable childhood, like son did, and turn out like this. It's a crapshoot.

@rebelson... nobody comes out unscathed. Nobody. You have come out of it "intact", you have a real life, real relationships, etc. Not everyone comes out with those things. But there is almost zero chance that you are unscathed. You will have been affected. Maybe it shows up in how you handle your son, for example. Sometimes we over-compensate in the opposite direction of what our dysfunctional parents were.

Stability isn't the only factor in how we turn out. Stability helps, and instability hinders. But there are many other factors. Genetics is one. How we are treated by teachers and peers in school is another huge impact. The neighborhood influences. What we read, watch, see, hear. To me, it really isn't a crap-shoot. It's a combination of many separate factors and the timing and strength of those factors - both positive and negative, some of which we may not even be aware of. So it just looks like a crap-shoot... a long-shot gamble.

 

[rebelson]

@rebelson... nobody comes out unscathed. Nobody. You have come out of it "intact", you have a real life, real relationships, etc. Not everyone comes out with those things. But there is almost zero chance that you are unscathed. You will have been affected. Maybe it shows up in how you handle your son, for example. Sometimes we over-compensate in the opposite direction of what our dysfunctional parents were.

Stability isn't the only factor in how we turn out. Stability helps, and instability hinders. But there are many other factors. Genetics is one. How we are treated by teachers and peers in school is another huge impact. The neighborhood influences. What we read, watch, see, hear. To me, it really isn't a crap-shoot. It's a combination of many separate factors and the timing and strength of those factors - both positive and negative, some of which we may not even be aware of. So it just looks like a crap-shoot... a long-shot gamble.

I talk about stability like that because my childhood was completely unstable. I probably went overboard with him, trying to protect him from what I endured. I did not mean to indicate that stability is the only factor in how one perceives their past.
With 'unscathed', I used a poor choice of a word, maybe. Unscathed means - 'unharmed, uninjured'. Please forgive me if I use a word and it's not the best word. I think you guys can get the 'jist' of what I mean. By my word 'crapshoot', I merely meant that one can have a horrible childhood and what their future will turn out..I liken to rolling the dice. By that, I was meaning your future can be one of success regardless of that awful childhood. OR, you can go down the wrong path, due to that childhood. Roll the dice and it can a good or not so great outcome. Crapshoot definition - a gamble, anything unpredictable. My mind is so frazzled, I might not use perfect words....

 

[InsaneCdn]

It's not just the words - but my mother was a wordsmith and I'm oversensitive to words!

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Some kids turned out OK, some not so well, some awful. But the ones where I know the stories? Most of the time, the presence of just ONE consistently-available, caring, stable adult, made the biggest difference. And the kids who turned out the worst, had nobody. Some had two working parents and a reasonable level of income and so on - and had nothing and nobody. Others had absent or addicted parents, no food, rags for clothes, and still had somebody who really cared. I know that for my kids, the biggest single lack has been the fact that absolutely nobody outside of our tiny immediate family has shown a single minute's personal and committed care or interest in them. It's a really tough world out there.

 

[rebelson]

It's a really tough world out there.

Yes, it is.

 

[rebelson]

Update: my son called me yesterday around 4:15pm. I saw his name on phone caller ID and said to myself, "I bet he's coming off of his binge...it's about that time." Yep. Sure enough. He was lucid and talking clearly and actually was on chipper side, as he usually is after the storm is over. I'm starting to see a pattern, especially since he's out on his own past 6 months. Stressor happens, usually a job firing-which it seems he takes as rejection and then he flips, goes on drinking binge for 1-3 days and back to status quo. His call was to ask me for some food $. But, first, he updated me his current just ending recent binge, status of chinese food delivery job, new job prospect, $ situation, rent, etc. As I said, he sounded pretty upbeat and here's some of what he said: "chinese lady boss called him & wants him to stay working there, but might not get as many hours...his homeowner called him one night while he was in bar drinking and told him to 'come home...I don't want you out by yourself, drinking'......how he had to pay his homeowner another week of rent as he had been behind (I did not know that, according to what he told me after Christmas, he was paid up until 3rd week Jan.).....told me how crazy the binges are "can you believe I was clean for 2wks & I've just come off my 3rd time relapsing in 2 mos! I couldn't handle the chinese lady boss telling me she was going to give her relative from China, some of my hours...I was SOOOOO loyal to her!".........somehow his father came up and he told me that his GM has ruined his dad by enabling him for so long (I was shocked that he admitted this to me!)...and called his dad a loser.....told me how he ran into an old HS friend who happens to be mgr of a bar/restaurant in town & the guy said he'd give son a busboy job.....told me he wants to get out of delivering food as it takes a toll on his car
(I mentioned this to him a month ago, seems like he listened)...told me he was getting ready to go to work and he needed $50 for food, asked if I could help him."

What I told him basically was: "what is your plan on how to stop these binges? you cannot take job losses, etc. so personally, it is a business, you work there for $ for your life, they want to make $, bosses do what they have to do for their business....you CANNOT keep going on these 3 day long drinking binges, you are going to be sorry one of these times!....what you need to do is be proactive in trying to figure out why you react so strongly to certain stressors, so that you can stop the madness....you will never advance in life because when you go forward, the binges bring you right back to square 1-->sometimes worse....I think you need to go back to AA and immediately get a sponsor!....you are not strong enough, to do this on your own.....you have pot, etoh, etc. in your system and when you get sober, the drugs remain in your system for months, you're not your self......you say CRAZY things when you're drunk, believe me! I am the one whom you call!.....it's very concerning......you have self-defeating behavior....you must stop, do what you have to do...."

After I told him about how crazy things come out of his mouth during binges...he was like 'I know! and I also did some crazy stuff! I beat someone up, had sex with-women....' I couldn't bring myself to ask what he meant!

I am on here for support, advice, help. I am going to be honest in everything I write. Don't want to waste y'alls time & mine. Yes, I gave him $. Not the $50 he asked for, but half that. When I said "I will transfer over $25...." there was a pause on his end. He ended up saying "ok, thanks, hurry cuz I have to be at work soon." Doing that, decrease in amt he wanted, was sort of big for me. On Monday, I mailed him 3 gift cards. One for Publix (grocery store), one for Walmart, one for Subway. I said to him, 'are you at home? because in your mail, should be gift cards for food....' He said 'no, I am not.' So, I gave him some $ for food. He got off phone and I was so much relieved that he was 'back to normal'! I had an immediate lift off my shoulders and went about my evening. No call further from him and after the $ transfer, he texted me "allgood". I turned my phone off when went to bed...and luckily so. Because at 1:57am, he texted me THIS: "I don't understand how your son is living on his own paying rent for the past 6 months independently living and you can't give me a monthly contribution". What he was referring to, was back last fall, after he got kicked out, he asked me and I agreed that I would contribute around $25/wk to him to help him out. I told him that "I would try hard as I could, but couldn't promise every week'. Well, back then he was having UBER car troubles. He needs his car for his delivery job for paying his rent and so on. SO, I ended up helping him A LOT with car repairs. Obviously, I did not keep up my end of the $25/wk thing as I paying way more than that to auto shop for car! FINALLY, he just recently got rid of that car! His GM's friend then sold him her's, which is very reliable and in good shape. Pfewf. So, yeah, I have not rushed back to give him the weekly $...and he's reminding me in that text.

I don't know how to address this situation right now. Or, what to say to that. I have not anwered that middle-of-the-night text. If he were not having these binges every few wks, then yeah, maybe I'd be more eager to help him. But, I don't trust him right now with $. Sometimes, I swear, when he's asked me for $, & I've obliged, curiously, he goes to a bar that night-I find out the next day.

I want to email him a reply. Any help on what to say to that text? I guess I need to relay a message along the lines as: 'I will not help you with $ as long as you are using.'

Please don't be too harsh on me. I am in the baby step phase. I am so weak-kneed where he's concerned. I'm smartening up cuz I love him and don't want to enable him, but it's not super easy. I'm trying.....

 

[InsaneCdn]

Gift cards are the same as cash. They don't have to spend them at that store - they can sell the gift card at a discount, and use the cash wherever they want. Cash... just supports the addiction.

Its REALLY hard when they live farther away. Someone like Lil, for example, can invite her son over for supper and send home leftovers. It's hard to "sell" leftovers. It's also easier to tell what the big picture is when they are closer. From far away - he just needs to not call when he's on a binge, and you don't know if he is doing better or just hiding it better.

I wish there were easier, concrete answers to this stuff.

 

[rebelson]

Because at 1:57am, he texted me THIS: "I don't understand how your son is living on his own paying rent for the past 6 months independently living and you can't give me a monthly contribution". What he was referring to, was back last fall, after he got kicked out, he asked me and I agreed that I would contribute around $25/wk to him to help him out. I told him that "I would try hard as I could, but couldn't promise every week'. Well, back then he was having UBER car troubles. He needs his car for his delivery job for paying his rent and so on. SO, I ended up helping him A LOT with car repairs. Obviously, I did not keep up my end of the $25/wk thing as I paying way more than that to auto shop for car! FINALLY, he just recently got rid of that car! His GM's friend then sold him her's, which is very reliable and in good shape. Pfewf. So, yeah, I have not rushed back to give him the weekly $...and he's reminding me in that text.

I don't know how to address this situation right now. Or, what to say to that. I have not anwered that middle-of-the-night text. If he were not having these binges every few wks, then yeah, maybe I'd be more eager to help him. But, I don't trust him right now with $. Sometimes, I swear, when he's asked me for $, & I've obliged, curiously, he goes to a bar that night-I find out the next day.

I want to email him a reply. Any help on what to say to that text? I guess I need to relay a message along the lines as: 'I will not help you with $ as long as you are using.'

I forgot to add re: monetary help from me to him. I already am paying his monthly car insurance bill, and his gym membership. That is almost $200/mo.

 

[GoingNorth]

Every dime you give him is a dime of his that he can spend on booze. You have to cut off the cash flow completely. That includes gift cards, which as IC says, can be sold and will be sold.

As the OP said, there are times when he has gone to the bar with money they have given him for other purposes.

 

[GoingNorth]

Cut off ALL cash. He doesn't need a gym membership. If he wants one badly enough, he will figure out a way to earn enough money to pay for one.

He doesn't need a car. There are plenty of jobs that don't require a car. And if you are paying insurance, etc., they won't cover any damages incurred while the car is being used for business purposes.

Actually, you should completely disassociate your name and finances from that car to prevent yourself being held liable in case of an accident.

Drunks have no business driving, and your son is surely a drunk.

 

[BusynMember]

Drinking binges are alcoholism. An alcoholic does not have to drink each day, or be drunk all the time. But when he drinks, he can't stop until he is completely gone. Your son will spend his "food money" on alcohol. If you want to hellp out, suggest buying some peanut butter, bread and a few other staples, but not any $$$ at all. Would not listen to long stories of his binging, some which may be true, probably some untrue to gain sympathy. Addicts lie to get money to fund their habits, and they lose jobs, and bang up cars (you don't want your son to get a DUI) and blow through landlords...if YOU pay, he isn't given a reason to stop drinking. Trust me, he will deny he is an alcoholic but if he went to AA or to any substance abuse counselor, he would be told, without sympathy, that he is. Until he quits alcohol, this is his life. But it doesn't have to be yours. Like you usaid, he needs an AA sponsor who will not feel sorry for him, but will listen to him. You aren't one. You're not a licensed substance abuse counselor either. You don't know how to help him. It hurts him when you treat him as if he was a "poor little boy who can't take care of his life." He's a man who CAN change. But he has to want to, but he won't if Mother is there.

If it were me, I wouldn't listen to his long-winded stories and I'd cut him off saying, "Drinking sure gets you into trouble. I have to go now.," Be very calm. Do not indulge him or let him bring you to tears over how "everyone else" is so unfair to him. He is a man doing this to himself. He is way too old for mommy to be sending him ANY money, which is probably going for partying/drinking anyway. He can find places to eat.

I know this hurts you dearly. Hugs and more hugs for your hurting heart. Please take care of YOU and let him figure it out. It's his life.

 

[BusynMember]

He doesn't need a car.

No alcoholic should EVER have a car that WE furnish. He could easily kill himself or somebody else while drunk and end up in prison for manslaughter. Or just pile up the DUIs and get tossed in jail. If you pay for his car, in any way, get him a bike, tell him to walk, tell him to find a job near him. He shouldn't be on the road. He is a danger to everyone else AND himself.

More hugs.

P.S.--Short text him only. "I decided it's a bad idea." Period. Ignore his angry texts afterward. Don't even read them. He's going to be furious that you cut off his best source of booze. Yes, he'll say you lied, blah, b lah, blah. We all have a right to gain knowledge that changes our minds. You don't need to explain it to him though. That will only throw oil on the fire.

I do mean this gently. Do not think I am yelling at you. I know it's hard, but i's necessary