petrified for 23yo son..

[rebelson]

Thank you Copa & TL! My husband is in bed sleeping, but is very ticked. I also think he's frustrated with me. That my son treats me like such garbage.....yet an hr later, I tell hub, "I'm worried about him if he's out on a boat, at night!" He actually said he cannot talk about it. I am not kidding when I say how mean his texts were.

It's not good to say or do this, but I don't feel strong enough to turn off my ringer tonight. I'm trying my best. Really I am! For me, it's big that I refused the fund request. And then didn't answer phone calls or texts.

Maybe the plan to fish will fall thru & they won't go....

 

[TheWalrus]

A "temper tantrum" is exactly what it was - an adult version of it, anyway. My daughter is the same. The second she doesn't get her way or feels slighted, she goes straight for the softest, most tender parts to do the most damage. She has shredded me to pieces more times than I can count.

It took me a long time to realize it is not me - it is her. That is her way of dealing with the world because she has no other coping skills and this has worked for her for so long she has had no incentive to learn any. When I sat back and looked at it objectively (which is hard bc it is all so personal), I realized I am not the only one she treats this way. I get it the worst - probably a "mother" thing bc I am "expected" to take care of her and make things right how she sees it.

Refusing to answer is a huge step - for you and him. A lot of times they will "up the ante" on the viciousness and continued harassment at first bc it has always worked. When it doesn't and they don't get the reaction they want, including "hurting you" for not giving in, it forces them to think through other ways to get what they need.

 

[toughlovin]

I totally understand leaving the ringer on especially with your worry...just know if he calls and gets nasty hang up immediately before you hear any more garbage.

The fact that he got nasty rather than taking the $5 for bait says to me he was looking for money for booze....for all you know there was never even a plan for fishing but he thought you might given him money for bait!

TL

 

[InsaneCdn]

His father used to do that to me when we were together. Is this genetic?

There's a fine line between genetics and environment. However, there is a good chance he may have inherited some genetic tendencies, and/or picked up on the behavior if he was around the man for a few years.

 

[TheWalrus]

My daughter acts exactly like her biological father - who walked out of her life at a young age. But he was in her life long enough to have affected her development and from her to learn from him. Mental illness runs in his family. I didn't know that until recently. I never saw that in him - I just saw an addict, but addiction hides the mental illness. It is often why they turn to drugs is to escape those feelings/thoughts they know aren't normal.

I spent many moments in her life in awe of how she could be so much like a person she hadn't been around the majority of her life. So I think for her, it is many things. Genetics, the abandonment, the time she spent influenced by him, my inadequacies bc I just saw rebellion instead of deeper issues...and then his return to her life. She seems to have "latched on" and mirrors his behavior. Almost as though she has this, "Oh, this is what we have in common," and idealizes and emulates it. It is very sad.

Personalities are made of so many puzzle pieces: genetics, experiences, the people in our life, culture....and some times the pieces just don't come together into a picture that can be recognized or make sense. Only they can rearrange the puzzle pieces and decide what they want the tapestry of their life to be. They have to get past the blame, self pity, refusal to take responsibility, comparisons to others, etc before they can.

 

[BusynMember]

Addiction is a mental illness

Dna does affect behavior. Ask anyone who adopted a kid and then met the bio. parents. I believe nature trumps nurture.

 

[New Leaf]

It's not good to say or do this, but I don't feel strong enough to turn off my ringer tonight. I'm trying my best. Really I am! For me, it's big that I refused the fund request. And then didn't answer phone calls or texts.

Rebelson, you are doing well. It is okay. We all took baby steps and went according to our comfort zone. Each of us, are on similar paths, but in different places on this journey. There is no right or wrong, no judgement. It is totally your choice. It is big you refused the fund request. It takes time to change our relationship patterns and responses with our d cs. Each step, is a step in the right direction. Do not be hard on yourself, it is hard enough already, what we all deal with.

Maybe the plan to fish will fall thru & they won't go....

You know, many of us have gone through the stress and worry, and it turns out our d cs are just fine.

Hang in there!

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[TheWalrus]

We all took baby steps and went according to our comfort zone.

There are times I have taken baby steps, moments I have been able to sprint ahead, and then places where I get stuck in one place unable to move at all. Every situation and child places different obstacles in the path and we all face them differently and at different paces. Pat yourself for the big strides, pick yourself up from the ruts, and don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[rebelson]

There's a fine line between genetics and environment. However, there is a good chance he may have inherited some genetic tendencies, and/or picked up on the behavior if he was around the man for a few years.

My daughter acts exactly like her biological father - who walked out of her life at a young age. But he was in her life long enough to have affected her development and from her to learn from him. Mental illness runs in his family. I didn't know that until recently. I never saw that in him - I just saw an addict, but addiction hides the mental illness. It is often why they turn to drugs is to escape those feelings/thoughts they know aren't normal.

I spent many moments in her life in awe of how she could be so much like a person she hadn't been around the majority of her life. So I think for her, it is many things. Genetics, the abandonment, the time she spent influenced by him, my inadequacies bc I just saw rebellion instead of deeper issues...and then his return to her life. She seems to have "latched on" and mirrors his behavior. Almost as though she has this, "Oh, this is what we have in common," and idealizes and emulates it. It is very sad.

Personalities are made of so many puzzle pieces: genetics, experiences, the people in our life, culture....and some times the pieces just don't come together into a picture that can be recognized or make sense. Only they can rearrange the puzzle pieces and decide what they want the tapestry of their life to be. They have to get past the blame, self pity, refusal to take responsibility, comparisons to others, etc before they can.

Walrus
I can SO associate with all that you said. Except insert my son's name where your dtr's is, and my name where your name is. Same scenario, same behavior. He was not with him much, yet I guess those little bits and pieces stuck.

 

[rebelson]

A "temper tantrum" is exactly what it was - an adult version of it, anyway. My daughter is the same. The second she doesn't get her way or feels slighted, she goes straight for the softest, most tender parts to do the most damage. She has shredded me to pieces more times than I can count.

It took me a long time to realize it is not me - it is her. That is her way of dealing with the world because she has no other coping skills and this has worked for her for so long she has had no incentive to learn any. When I sat back and looked at it objectively (which is hard bc it is all so personal), I realized I am not the only one she treats this way. I get it the worst - probably a "mother" thing bc I am "expected" to take care of her and make things right how she sees it.

Refusing to answer is a huge step - for you and him. A lot of times they will "up the ante" on the viciousness and continued harassment at first bc it has always worked. When it doesn't and they don't get the reaction they want, including "hurting you" for not giving in, it forces them to think through other ways to get what they need.

Yep, the softest, most tender parts to do the most damage....

 

[rebelson]

I totally understand leaving the ringer on especially with your worry...just know if he calls and gets nasty hang up immediately before you hear any more garbage.

The fact that he got nasty rather than taking the $5 for bait says to me he was looking for money for booze....for all you know there was never even a plan for fishing but he thought you might given him money for bait!

TL

TL- last night as I was lying in bed, I thought the same. 'For all I know, there was never even a plan for fishing...' He very well might not even have gone..it was likely all made up. A lie. He knows I have half a brain...he had to come up with something uber innocent sounding. He even told me, so I'd believe what he needed to spend the $ on, that he'd text me a picture..and before he could finish the sentence to say a picture of 'what', I said NO. What was he going to text me a picture of? Fish in a bucket? Worms? I've been there, done that, with the picture thing. 90% of the time, the picture never comes.

I did leave ringer on last night. Nothing came through. Thank God. Now, it's 6:30 the next night, and I have not heard from him. He is mad at me. He won't call me for awhile now, until another need comes up. Then, he will call like nothing happened. Is this what y'alls' addicts do? Abuse you and then next phone call, they act like nothing transpired? Just another day, another $ need?

Of recent, with these past 3 binges....in a short amount of time, has shown me that my son is not so much a 'drug' addict anymore(though he still uses), but is morphing in to an alcoholic. Just like his father.

I am sad today. Sad that my sweet little boy, who once, at 4 or 5yo, said he wanted to marry me...my 'real' authentic, & true son, my super intelligent, philosophical, funny, handsome, muscular son....is MIA right now. In his place, masking his real self, is an alcoholic. <------In between that sentence, and the one you're reading now, I broke down in a short cry. I am mourning my son, who is still here on earth. Yes, it's one of those evenings....does it ever hit you guys like this? Like a brick wall?

 

[TheWalrus]

He won't call me for awhile now, until another need comes up. Then, he will call like nothing happened.

Every time. No apology for the previous behaviors or outbursts. She has not called me for months after an outburst, slammed me all over social media, and then out of the blue call and talk to me like we had just spoken yesterday. And there is always a catch - she needs something or needs me to DO something for her. I sometimes thinks she honestly never gives a second thought to it bc I am her mother so I am just supposed to always open my arms to her, no questions asked, no apologies needed. Like I have said before, she does this to other people in her life (other family, friends) but I always get it the worst. It is almost like people are Kleenex and she uses them up and tosses them out until she needs them again.

I am mourning my son, who is still here on earth.

It is much harder to grieve for the living than the dead for there is no closure in our situations.

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Rebelson, I relate to all that you say. My son does tend to call or contact me when he needs something, although more recently I have gotten some update emails that were just communication and I treasure those. I have to say that I think kids this age as a rule are still pretty self centered and don't really think about their parents feelings or needs. My daughter, who is a great very together kid is also like this..... Our relationship is not yet what I would really call mutual. She is not that interested in my life.... I am there to support her. And I remember at that age that I was the same way towards my mom.... It wasn't til I was a bit older our relationship become much more mutual.

And yes sometimes the sadness of it all hits me like a ton of bricks! I will say those times happen less often now and don't last as long as they used to.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

I haven't read all of the responses but do not let him blame you for his addiction. By blaming you, he is not accepting the responsibility of his choices and therefore will not feel like he is also responsible for his recovery. He will say that it is something you are supposed to fix since you "caused" it.

Do not let him put that on you! Stop apologizing because that feeds into his being able to blame you instead of accepting the responsibility of getting clean and sober.

Remember the three C's of the 12-step program: You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Only your son can decide to get clean and sober. He has to work harder at his recovery than you do.

I finally learned all of this after years of enabling.

~Kathy

 

[GoingNorth]

One thing you hear over and over again from addicts is that they didn't intend to become addicts. Almost every addict thought they'd be the exception, that THEY were strong enough to only use their Drug of Choice infrequently enough to not become addicted.

Once addiction occurs, use is no longer really a choice. Once addiction occurs, it is no longer so much a matter of getting high, but a matter of what opiate addicts refer to as "getting well".

The choice then is whether or not to get clean, and how to go about it. The choices being whether or not to go on maintenance (methadone, suboxone, or subutex), or go cold turkey. Anyway they go, there's a hellish withdrawal waiting for them, not just the physical symptoms, but long lasting extreme depression and anxiety, plus cravings for the drug of choice. Methadone specifically is harder to withdraw from than heroin.

Early on, a proto-addict does make choices. I know I did, twice in the late 70s. I tried heroin by smoking. I absolutely loved the rush and the high, so much so that it frightened me. Y'see, I KNEW that heroin was stronger than I was, and if I continued to use, I'd wind up an addict. My choice was to never use it again and i have stuck to that choice for all the intervening years.

Oddly, I do not get the same euphoria from other opiates and HATE the way they make me feel.

So, I do have a little bit of insight into why addicts become addicts, and I do understand the appeal of heroin.

 

[rebelson]

Thank you Kathy, TL and GN. Copa, how are you?
Haven't heard from son since the fishing bait $ request, Monday evening. I am worrying on the one hand, as haven't tried to contact him. And, on the other hand, no news is good news, right?
Hope all are well.

 

[New Leaf]

I am sad today. Sad that my sweet little boy, who once, at 4 or 5yo, said he wanted to marry me...my 'real' authentic, & true son, my super intelligent, philosophical, funny, handsome, muscular son....is MIA right now. In his place, masking his real self, is an alcoholic. <------In between that sentence, and the one you're reading now, I broke down in a short cry. I am mourning my son, who is still here on earth. Yes, it's one of those evenings....does it ever hit you guys like this? Like a brick wall?

Yes, yes and YES, a ton of bricks.
It is the hardest thing Rebelson, the reality of it. I am so sorry for your heartache, this is the hardest thing known to man, to raise a child, and have them kidnapped by drugs or alcohol.
We do go into mourning the loss of the child we knew.
It is the hardest thing, because they are still on earth.

It is too real. Too crazy, mind boggling and unexplainable.
How do we wrap our heads around this and protect our hearts?

It takes time, and it takes work. You are here posting, and that is good. Posting really helps, because as we write our stories out, we are working things out in our minds.

This is the toughest thing for all of us.

We are in a battle. A battle with the choices our d cs are making, and how we react and respond. A battle, when that darn phone rings, and it is them, and we know what is coming.

They tug at our heartstrings and our heads start spinning with the anxiety of it all.

I am worrying on the one hand, as haven't tried to contact him. And, on the other hand, no news is good news, right?

Yes, no news is good news. This gives you time to regroup, recharge and be ready for the next encounter. Stay with us Rebelson, keep posting, it really, really helps.
I hope you have a peaceful day today and find time to do something good for yourself.
Hang in there!
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Kathy813]

There are times I have taken baby steps, moments I have been able to sprint ahead, and then places where I get stuck in one place unable to move at all.

There are also times when we move backward. You just have to recognize it happened and start moving forward again.

~Kathy

 

[Copabanana]

my son

I am reading this old thread, and wondering how your son is doing TL? Did he go back to where his old job was? Isn't it in a desert?

That my son treats me like such garbage.....yet an hr later, I tell hub, "I'm worried about him if he's out on a boat, at night!"

You know, my son is no longer treating us like garbage...but he sure did for a long time.

But M despairs I am exactly the same as you rebelson. (Except that I explode in anger because I am a melancholic.) And then, 20 minutes later I am pining for my son, wanting to drive the streets, to find him. M says he is pissed at both of us (in Spanish of course.)

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I did leave ringer on last night. Nothing came through. Thank God. Now, it's 6:30 the next night, and I have not heard from him. He is mad at me. He won't call me for awhile now, until another need comes up. Then, he will call like nothing happened. Is this what y'alls' addicts do? Abuse you and then next phone call, they act like nothing transpired? Just another day, another $ need?

Of recent, with these past 3 binges....in a short amount of time, has shown me that my son is not so much a 'drug' addict anymore(though he still uses), but is morphing in to an alcoholic. Just like his father.

I am sad today. Sad that my sweet little boy, who once, at 4 or 5yo, said he wanted to marry me...my 'real' authentic, & true son, my super intelligent, philosophical, funny, handsome, muscular son....is MIA right now. In his place, masking his real self, is an alcoholic. <------In between that sentence, and the one you're reading now, I broke down in a short cry. I am mourning my son, who is still here on earth. Yes, it's one of those evenings....does it ever hit you guys like this? Like a brick wall?

Yes, this is what they do. I remember son last fall, raging on the phone at me because I wouldn't give him money. He said, if you want me to live tonight, give me the money, it's for real Mom. Evidently he owed some money to drug dealers. He raged on and on. Then 3 days later he calls and acts like nothing happened. This had been a pattern for the last 16 years. They want it, you better give it, or else you can expect the raging and the silent treatment as punishment.

I'm sorry for your tears. Cry on, move through those feelings. Grieve. I have been there too- back in January I thought I would crack from the heaviness of the worry and the mourning. I had to let him go- and let God take the wheel. When I did that- I felt lot of peace. Because there are just things in life that are out of our control, especially when it comes to our Adult Children who seem hell bent on destroying their lives.