we cannot be the agents of change , but at least not contribute to making things worse
Allen that is very good and I totally agree with that. I can also agree that always thinking of a difficult child in negative terms can "taint" your attitude toward them to some extent, which is why I try to find something positive to focus on. That I learned way back when Travis was little and constantly into things, taking things apart ect......in other words he was in trouble all day long. I had realized that his day consisted of punishment and very little, if any, praise. Which of course is not good for a child. (notice I said child not adult) After noticing that with him, I've been careful not to do that with my other kids too.
I've said I can see where this works with a young child, especially a easy child child, with a ton of patience perhaps a difficult child child......but you are going to have to balance it out.
The root of Travis' dxes is brain injury. Easy to accept from the get go that his amount of improvement and function will be limited even after years of hard work. The whole you shouldn't think the "he won't" but "he can't" thing does apply to a certain extent. However if he had not been held to the same standards as his sibs? Had he not had both positive and negative reinforcement? phht. His level of functioning would still be hovering around a 6 yr old level. I held the bar high for him and
expected him to reach it to the best of his ability. And he has far exceeded even the best projections of how he could function as an adult. Without both the negative and positive he would have had no desire to leave the security of his "own world".
Katie? I tried the whole positive thing with to a certain degree. She's a manipulator.......she takes it and runs with it. As she does with everyone she meets. She svcks them dry and then moves on once they've figured her out and she's about to feel the natural consequences of her actions. Katie has stated she wants to change. Maybe so. But her behavior is not changing. Now that she is off the street, she continues to manipulate to get what she wants from well intentioned people and organizations. If you don't give Katie negative feedback........she'll svck you dry in 24 hrs. I
expect her to behave as a responsible adult and the mother to 3 kids. I can find normal activities to include her into so that she sees what "normal" is.........but without any negative feedback and only support? Uh, no. This is one who will not even consider change until she is made so utterly uncomfortable and miserable she can't stand it......but the moment she is comfortable, she goes right back to old behavior. Why? Because no one demands that she work for what she gets. Sociopaths feed on support systems. It won't work with her.
Bff who was an addict, alcoholic, and mentally ill? She had the support of her whole family. They always gave her the benefit of the doubt, always only saw the positive and refused to see the negative. They supported and enabled her right into the grave.
As for those sitting in prison.........I have my own opinions about that one. It's not the consequence it used to be years ago by far. I have 2 nephews serving life terms. And for years the goal has not been to "punish" a prisoner but to rehabilitate them. Which is why now they're allowed computer access, tvs, radios, work out rooms, ect. Obviously, it's not working. Many have it far cushier inside than out and will tell you that. Doesn't phase them.
Extreme in any direction is not a good thing. A balance has to be struck. And with an adult difficult child boundaries have to be set.