Post your Christmas story here if you want to share
- Thread starter BusynMember
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Tired out
Well-Known Member
Nomad, Truer words were never written.
When someone does me wrong I always think back to the Maya Angelo quote, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them. the FIRST time"
Here is a page of her quotes. Such a wise lady. 350 Badass Maya Angelou Quotes That Will Blow Your Mind
Many of the thing we need to live by are on that page.
I think there is good reason for family celebrations to be held separately. You didn't pick your daughter in law or her family, your son did, he needs to get along with them.
All of the families I know that have both "sides" of the family together for birthdays or holidays have them at the married couples home, not at the parents homes.
Ahhjeez, 1st, I am so sorry you had to hear that commentary. Nasty people always make themselves feel bigger by talking bad and putting down others.
How many times have I said "FB is the root of internet evil" ?
If you are invited to anything with them in the future I would respond immediately, "thank you for the invitation but we have other plans" leave it at that. again, "she has shown you who she is .Believe her."
Tired out
Well-Known Member
I had posted our Christmas story in another thread, here it is.
Tired out said: ↑
This year we are having friends for dinner. that will be nice (I hope)
It wasn't. We had the same family (mom A, dad M, son) over for Thanksgiving and had a really nice time, that day they stayed 2pm-7pm. we chatted and laughed a lot. When I invited them for Christmas we talked about a couple of card games to play and evening snacks. I went all out the last few days getting things ready (much more than if it was just our nuclear family (me, hubs, Adam, Jill and hubby). Anyhow A texted at 1:20 said running late- I had everything ready to come out of ovens by 1:30 (eating scheduled for 1:30). They were only a couple minutes late. BUT in a mood..no clue what was up. ate lunch, I got desserts and put on pot of coffee, they got out their phones and started dinking. We had desert and coffee while they dinked. Then A said son has to babysit so we have to get going. I asked son who he was sitting. conversation..he said Alistair (that is a DOG) !! Then M said something about a movie time!!! OMG I went to all this work. A hadn't texted me in the last week that told me plans had changed. SERIOUSLY!!! Then as she was putting on her coat she asked what we were doing for New Years!! I said(without hesitation) "Going out".
Sorry for the vent. Would you be ticked at this? If I wanted this treatment I could of insisted ben come and make my day miserable. at least with him we share DNA.
Tired out said: ↑
This year we are having friends for dinner. that will be nice (I hope)
It wasn't. We had the same family (mom A, dad M, son) over for Thanksgiving and had a really nice time, that day they stayed 2pm-7pm. we chatted and laughed a lot. When I invited them for Christmas we talked about a couple of card games to play and evening snacks. I went all out the last few days getting things ready (much more than if it was just our nuclear family (me, hubs, Adam, Jill and hubby). Anyhow A texted at 1:20 said running late- I had everything ready to come out of ovens by 1:30 (eating scheduled for 1:30). They were only a couple minutes late. BUT in a mood..no clue what was up. ate lunch, I got desserts and put on pot of coffee, they got out their phones and started dinking. We had desert and coffee while they dinked. Then A said son has to babysit so we have to get going. I asked son who he was sitting. conversation..he said Alistair (that is a DOG) !! Then M said something about a movie time!!! OMG I went to all this work. A hadn't texted me in the last week that told me plans had changed. SERIOUSLY!!! Then as she was putting on her coat she asked what we were doing for New Years!! I said(without hesitation) "Going out".
Sorry for the vent. Would you be ticked at this? If I wanted this treatment I could of insisted ben come and make my day miserable. at least with him we share DNA.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Ahjeez and Nomad, I’m so sorry you had drama and heartache. I hope you can put it behind you for the new year and not let these people destroy your peace.
My Christmas was bittersweet. S is still missing. I’m not even sure if she’s in the state. She hasn’t responded to me since she blew me off two weeks ago when we were going to get together after a road trip she took with a ‘friend’ (older man of course) ended in disaster with her stranded in NYC. She made it back to our home state last I heard but now silence. Her last message to me was she’s ‘sorry but just not ready to get clean right now.’ Then nothing. So that has been overhanging everything. I can’t get her out of my mind.
C did get ahold of me from a friend’s phone and made it to Christmas dinner at my mom’s. He is still sober, by his definition, which I a, pretty sure means no drinking and no hard drugs but does not mean giving up pot in all it’s forms. But he is working and the living situation seems to have stabilized, and he seems much happier and more stable without the booze at least. So I’ll take it. 6.5 weeks now. He was very happy to be with family and really seemed to want to be connected and involved. Which is a huge change - it’s been years.
N and family are 2000 miles away and there isn’t money this year for them to come here or me to go there, but we did FaceTime and I got to see the kids open presents. Baby M (3) actually seems to remember me and talked to me and said thank you for his presents.
N and Y are still together, for now, and seem to,be trying to move past N’s recent backsliding.
E and her husband didn’t make it down - they spent the holiday with her in laws, who live nearby to them. They are going to try to drive down on New Year’s Eve. I hope they make it. I am feeling worried about losing my daughter to her in laws, who are both very overbearing and very, very wealthy. They expect all their boys to be there for all family events and family vacations, even though boys are all adults now. And they can pay for things like trips to Paris or London or to their summer home on the coast. And they very much do not approve of me with my relationship with R, or with the rest of our unruly family here. The wedding was ...stressful. So I’m trying to not feel sad but this Christmas just feels like a harbinger for holidays to come.
It mostly I’m worried and heartbroken about S. It’s the reason I haven’t been posting much here. There is so much more to the story, and every time I tried to write it I got stuck.
I’m hoping for better news to ring in 2019 with. Or any news.
My Christmas was bittersweet. S is still missing. I’m not even sure if she’s in the state. She hasn’t responded to me since she blew me off two weeks ago when we were going to get together after a road trip she took with a ‘friend’ (older man of course) ended in disaster with her stranded in NYC. She made it back to our home state last I heard but now silence. Her last message to me was she’s ‘sorry but just not ready to get clean right now.’ Then nothing. So that has been overhanging everything. I can’t get her out of my mind.
C did get ahold of me from a friend’s phone and made it to Christmas dinner at my mom’s. He is still sober, by his definition, which I a, pretty sure means no drinking and no hard drugs but does not mean giving up pot in all it’s forms. But he is working and the living situation seems to have stabilized, and he seems much happier and more stable without the booze at least. So I’ll take it. 6.5 weeks now. He was very happy to be with family and really seemed to want to be connected and involved. Which is a huge change - it’s been years.
N and family are 2000 miles away and there isn’t money this year for them to come here or me to go there, but we did FaceTime and I got to see the kids open presents. Baby M (3) actually seems to remember me and talked to me and said thank you for his presents.
N and Y are still together, for now, and seem to,be trying to move past N’s recent backsliding. E and her husband didn’t make it down - they spent the holiday with her in laws, who live nearby to them. They are going to try to drive down on New Year’s Eve. I hope they make it. I am feeling worried about losing my daughter to her in laws, who are both very overbearing and very, very wealthy. They expect all their boys to be there for all family events and family vacations, even though boys are all adults now. And they can pay for things like trips to Paris or London or to their summer home on the coast. And they very much do not approve of me with my relationship with R, or with the rest of our unruly family here. The wedding was ...stressful. So I’m trying to not feel sad but this Christmas just feels like a harbinger for holidays to come.
It mostly I’m worried and heartbroken about S. It’s the reason I haven’t been posting much here. There is so much more to the story, and every time I tried to write it I got stuck.
I’m hoping for better news to ring in 2019 with. Or any news.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Elsi, here is a suggestion you may want to consider.
Long ago we decided not to make the kids choose us or in laws on holidays or cause stress by them spending half days at one house and half days at another. And we didnt want every other years either.
Instead we decided to have OUR holiday a day or two before or after the actual day. It didnt matter to us and has been very successful. We always have all the family for the entire day.
This year we are doing Christmas on Friday. Actually Jumper's in laws are not having Christmas until Saturday. Both of us will have the kids all day on our family Chrismases. And there are never hard feelings.
I love flexibility
Long ago we decided not to make the kids choose us or in laws on holidays or cause stress by them spending half days at one house and half days at another. And we didnt want every other years either.
Instead we decided to have OUR holiday a day or two before or after the actual day. It didnt matter to us and has been very successful. We always have all the family for the entire day.
This year we are doing Christmas on Friday. Actually Jumper's in laws are not having Christmas until Saturday. Both of us will have the kids all day on our family Chrismases. And there are never hard feelings.
I love flexibility
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Elsi
Well-Known Member
SWOT, that’s a great idea, and we already do this for Thanksgiving. So far Mom is pretty resistant to moving Christmas dinner but it looks like my celebration with my kids is likely to end up being separate and not necessarily all together. I’m just struggling with this general feeling that we will always be playing second fiddle to E’s in law’s family. I can move Christmas, or celebrate with them separately, but I can’t do fancy all paid vacations with all the kids that take up every bit of everyone’s vacation time so there is nothing left over to do anything else with anyone. Which seems to be the trend. Since they live nearby and don’t have to work, I’m anticipating they will dominate the grandchild relationships when the time comes, too. I’m just feeling rather jealous, insecure and bitter about it all... not attractive, I know, but there you go. Or maybe it’s just easier to focus my feelings there than my growing panic over S. E is my one and only ‘easy’ kid out of the four and I just feel like I’m losing her.
Which seems to be the trend. Since they live nearby and don’t have to work, I’m anticipating they will dominate the grandchild relationships when the time comes, too. I’m just feeling rather jealous, insecure and bitter about it all... not attractive, I know, but there you go. Or maybe it’s just easier to focus my feelings there than my growing panic over S. E is my one and only ‘easy’ kid out of the four and I just feel like I’m losing her.BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Elsi, she may feel forced by the pushy in laws. Its not her family.
Here is a true story.
I was married before to a man who was not the greatest but he had a family that seemed kind loving, and very close and they had a beautiful home and the aunt, where is where we had most holidays, cooked like a gifted chef. They were of Scandanavian origin so their big get together was on Christmas Eve. There were also cousins there to amuse my.kids. Everyone dressed up fancy. I felt inferior there because the other cousins and my ex's brother were rich or doing very well, their wives all knew each other well, and my husband did notnhave a great job and never participated in things that the others did together and he was kind of left out by his own choice. So I was too.
Christmas Day was in my mind a let down to my kids. We stayed home. My side of the family was Jewish and didnt celebrate Christmas and probably would have left us out even if they had. They didnt like us,never visited.
The kids opened presents and had a nice home dinner but it seemed so boring to me after the celebration the night before.
Years later, when the kids were adults, all three told me at different times how they had disliked the big hoopla on Christmas Eve and had wished we had just stayed home. I was really shocked that they had felt that way. After the divorce between ex and I the kids did not keep in touch with their cousins at all.
To go further into it, this perfect family fell apart. I found out from my ex and Princess.
All three cousins who had been so close had a terrible falling out and one moved to Colorado from Chicago to get away. The three boys saw each other for the first time in twenty years at a wedding. Princess was there and spoke to one of the uncles. He gave details but did not seem upset over the split or interested in making things better. There was no reconcilliation at the wedding. The guys didnt talk to each other at all. They sat apart.
The parents have to see their sons seperately. None of them by the way were difficult kids. They are still successful.
I feel really badly for the parents,now 95 and 97. Scandanavians have long life expenctencies.
Anybow my point is E may not like the arrangement so much. She may feel forced. Have you ever spoken to her about it? Money cant buy everything. Also you cant predict the health of this family in the future with the grandkids.
Nothing prepared me for how this homey family turned out.
Try to live in the now. The future is not here yet.
Love and light!
Here is a true story.
I was married before to a man who was not the greatest but he had a family that seemed kind loving, and very close and they had a beautiful home and the aunt, where is where we had most holidays, cooked like a gifted chef. They were of Scandanavian origin so their big get together was on Christmas Eve. There were also cousins there to amuse my.kids. Everyone dressed up fancy. I felt inferior there because the other cousins and my ex's brother were rich or doing very well, their wives all knew each other well, and my husband did notnhave a great job and never participated in things that the others did together and he was kind of left out by his own choice. So I was too.
Christmas Day was in my mind a let down to my kids. We stayed home. My side of the family was Jewish and didnt celebrate Christmas and probably would have left us out even if they had. They didnt like us,never visited.
The kids opened presents and had a nice home dinner but it seemed so boring to me after the celebration the night before.
Years later, when the kids were adults, all three told me at different times how they had disliked the big hoopla on Christmas Eve and had wished we had just stayed home. I was really shocked that they had felt that way. After the divorce between ex and I the kids did not keep in touch with their cousins at all.
To go further into it, this perfect family fell apart. I found out from my ex and Princess.
All three cousins who had been so close had a terrible falling out and one moved to Colorado from Chicago to get away. The three boys saw each other for the first time in twenty years at a wedding. Princess was there and spoke to one of the uncles. He gave details but did not seem upset over the split or interested in making things better. There was no reconcilliation at the wedding. The guys didnt talk to each other at all. They sat apart.
The parents have to see their sons seperately. None of them by the way were difficult kids. They are still successful.
I feel really badly for the parents,now 95 and 97. Scandanavians have long life expenctencies.
Anybow my point is E may not like the arrangement so much. She may feel forced. Have you ever spoken to her about it? Money cant buy everything. Also you cant predict the health of this family in the future with the grandkids.
Nothing prepared me for how this homey family turned out.
Try to live in the now. The future is not here yet.
Love and light!
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Elsi,one last thing.
Even if your mom is disappointed it may be the best thing for your family. If you want you can tell Mom that SHE can come over herself on the exact day but I would not let her control the family holiday. The one who hosts is the one in charge. Its not rude. Its just the truth.
Your Mom is an adult. She can handle this minor disappointment.
Even if your mom is disappointed it may be the best thing for your family. If you want you can tell Mom that SHE can come over herself on the exact day but I would not let her control the family holiday. The one who hosts is the one in charge. Its not rude. Its just the truth.
Your Mom is an adult. She can handle this minor disappointment.
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Elsi
Well-Known Member
Thanks SWOT. I think E does feel a bit forced and overwhelmed by it all. And I hope I’m wrong about this turning into a pattern of their family dominating all holidays, vacation time and other bonding moments. All three sons just seem to be holding onto the apron strings very tightly, and I don’t see any loosening in the parents core assumption that they’ll continue to have everyone together for all vacations and family events in the future. I can handle moving Christmas - it’s just a day on the calendar. And I’m not jealous of their money. I’m not a fancy person and wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had it. (Start an animal rescue, probably.) I just resent what I see as a pattern of them using their money to control and dominate their sons and sons’ wives as they get married (E and her husband were the first.). And they do not hide their homophobia well at all, which makes mixed events pretty much a no go for me and R here. I guess Christmas is just a symptom here of the whole thing for me.
I hope one day when there are grandkids they’ll still think grandma Elsi and granny R are fun to be around even if we don’t take them to Paris and Vale and Hawaii every year.
I hope one day when there are grandkids they’ll still think grandma Elsi and granny R are fun to be around even if we don’t take them to Paris and Vale and Hawaii every year.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
If you have the kind of relationship with E that includes talks about things that affect both of you, I think it's worth addressing all of this with E. Not in a condemning way. Just hot chocolate and "Would you mind if I ask you a few Mom questions and pick your brains? I really care about how you feel...There is no right or wrong answer. I would just like to know, if you dint mind."
I keep it laid back and try not to respond in judgmental ways. I am often surprised and usually happy I asked.
I certainly dont know every young person on the planet, but the ones I do know are very laid back and accepting of anything LGTB. My kids consider it no biggie. Sonic is gay. When he told us, Jumper started crying because he hadnt felt able to tell us. (This surprised me too but the response he received was great!)
E's in laws laws grew up when there was still a lot of judgment. I think this has really changed. Its the kids who must accept. Who cares about the in laws?
If you are like me (and I think we are very much alike in many ways) having holidays together with these stuck up people isnt a fun idea anyway. I never got jealous of rich people. Like you, if I had tons of money I would love to start an animal rescue! Yes! Yes! Or a place for the homeless. Or, if I had enough, both.
You find peace and try to have a lovely, quiet night with R.
Love and light!
I keep it laid back and try not to respond in judgmental ways. I am often surprised and usually happy I asked.
I certainly dont know every young person on the planet, but the ones I do know are very laid back and accepting of anything LGTB. My kids consider it no biggie. Sonic is gay. When he told us, Jumper started crying because he hadnt felt able to tell us. (This surprised me too but the response he received was great!)
E's in laws laws grew up when there was still a lot of judgment. I think this has really changed. Its the kids who must accept. Who cares about the in laws?
If you are like me (and I think we are very much alike in many ways) having holidays together with these stuck up people isnt a fun idea anyway. I never got jealous of rich people. Like you, if I had tons of money I would love to start an animal rescue! Yes! Yes! Or a place for the homeless. Or, if I had enough, both.
You find peace and try to have a lovely, quiet night with R.
Love and light!
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Tired out
Well-Known Member
Elsi, I am so sorry to read about S. I was so hopeful for her and you. Big sigh. As for your daughter dealing with overbearing in laws. Sounds like those boys are all afraid to lengthen any apron strings. As soon as one of the boys falls for a girl that won't put up with it all the strings will lengthen. Mark my words there will be a girl that won't tolerate it and the son will want the girl more than his mom or dad's money. As soon as that happens with one of the boys the others will loosen their grip. The mother is probably scared to death if she only has boys. A girl is a daughter the rest of your life the boy is a son till he takes a wife.
AS for your mom. I am sure it is harder for her generation to let go of tradition much more than it is for ours. My parents always wanted to do things on their calendar day. Your birthday was celebrated ON the day, not the next weekend. Christmas was on Dec 25th, Not on the previous/following Sunday.
Maybe you can celebrate with your mom on the 25th and have the rest on a day that works for all of them.
Same here. They have never seen or heard their dad or me have derogatory comments about people in regards to orientation, race or ethnicity. However there has always been comments about horrible drivers-that knows no perimeters
