Wise, I just learned that with Kay at least... the more I enforced a boundary, the sneakier she got. There was a no illegal drugs house rule but she either disregarded it (and I did check her room) or got high outside and came home wasted. So she didn't keep that boundary. In her own way, she did what she liked.
Definitely enforce boundaries. You have to for your sanity. But that means that crossing a line has a clear consequence that we can not break. To me that was the hard part. I would give second, third and fourth chances. Finally we moved her out by buying her a house and she blew that to the moon, did nothing to pay for or maintain this house. We finally had to sell it. But we still wanted to keep her from being homeless. We felt maybe a house had been too much responsibility so we bought her a small mobile home in a nicer park and all Lee and Kay had to pay was $300 month in lot fee. They had that or we let them do chores for us and we paid them for the chores. But they never paid and they fought outdoors and that also went to pot (no pun intended).
We continued to help with housing...apartments. Nothing worked out. Now when we stopped paying, they were evicted.
What a disaster. We have little left for retirement, and our daughter will be homeless anyway. Did I mention that she cut too?
I guess this rambling post is just a vent and to show you that your struggle is not yours alone and that there are no pat answers. For us, Kay could not keep living with us so we did things that hurt us both just to make sure that our ungrateful daughter was not homeless. I look back and my head hurts.
But it WAS easier to deal with her when she lived apart from us.
Do not buy your daughter a house, but if you can find another place for her to live I believe it will be much easier on you. I would have been the Kay Police had she lived with me. Her father too. We needed separation. badly And it was still a huge stress but at least we did not worry that she was bringing illicit drugs into our house or that she would bring shady or dangerous people into our home. And we could not have just stood by as we have younger kids
On employment, we tried to get Kay to want to be gainfully employed. We felt that by setting her up with a nice lifestyle and expecting her to pay a portion of the bills, she would work. Kay did not get jobs.
Kay often said that if we stopped "being good parents", which meant supporting her, then she would live under a bridge and become a prostitute. This terrified us. If you knew Kay....you would also know she meant it. And would Lee stop her? Nope. Lee would gladly take in the money.
In reality, because of our fears, Kay could control us....and did.
Well, I am done. Please find peace in what you do. And please, as they say in Al Anon, let go of your daughter's outcome. Step 3.
Hugs and blessings.
Thank you, Busy. I am facing exactly the dilemma that you describe. Do I apply more control/boundaries or do I give more independence ? To me, independence and freedom come at the cost of increased responsibility. I cannot just hand out independence and freedom like candy.
What I am currently doing is accepting that daughter does not want a relationship with me right now. I have to stop chasing her. Being away for a month has made it clear. She keeps saying that everything is none of my business. Ok. I won't ask. And I won't help, either. If she asks for a favor, I will ask for something in return. Because I have to apply self respect. I cannot continue to give and show cooperation and love when I don't get that back. When it's not reciprocated. I would love to give more independence if I saw any effort on daughter'' part : if she helped around the house willingly, if I saw cooperation, if I saw kindness. I don't see either one of these things. Yes, there is temporary kindness when she wants something but nothing lasting. She does not care about me right now. She only cares about herself and through that is tying my hands. because giving in this situation diminishes my own self worth.
I hear you loud and clear. I do see how control backfires. I do see how control can add to a young person making the decision to use drugs. "I will show you" But - if a person's thinking is such that they will use drugs as a reaction to someone else's behavior , then the wish to use drugs was already there to begin with. Everything else is an excuse. Because mentally healthy people do not stick a needle in their arm as a reaction to Mom pissing them off. I am exaggerating . Smoking pot is not the same as heroin use , of course, and I do need to stay hopeful for my daughter .
The therapist my son sees whom I saw a few times before he did, strongly suggested independence for my son. She is the one who suggested we sign the car over to son. Which meant all expenses and all legal responsibility for the car now were with him. It was an excellent plan. He had holes in tires, had to get oil changes etc BUT he had worked before, he had a savings account from when he had worked and saved, and when he ran out of money, he got a pizza delivery job and made the money he needed to operate the car . The idea being here that independence creates consequences and that is how people learn.
Now, he let a friend drive the car. They were both high. And the friend totalled the car .Hence my son finds himself in the position he is in and moved back home.
With daughter, I don't see how we can sign the car over unless she has a job lined up. She doesn't even have enough for the title transfer and I won't pay for that. I am already handing her a $3000 used car. She has to bring something to the table.
You have been through so, so much with Kay. You tried everything. You were very generous in your effort to help and none of the love and care was returned to you. My heart hurts for you. The relationship was reduced to what she could get out of you and when you stopped, she cut you off. That is incredibly painful to realize. And I see it with my daughter as well. The writing is on the wall.
Her best friend has always been a negative influence on her. When the friend was given her Mother'a Prozac, my daughter wanted Prozac. When friend needed glasses, daughter wanted glasses . Another friend was a bad cutter had welts of scars all over his body, daughter cut and started glorifying cutting. Best friend vapes heavy duty nicotine. Daughter starts vaping. Best friend drinks and smokes pot, daughter follows suit. And with all those vices, I don't want to enable her. So I have to pull back. Everything I do for her leaves more money on her pocket to buy vices.
I do see that she needs to get moved out. O don't know whether that's realistic before she graduates in May. I wish hub was supportive of her going back to dorms. Then again, grades suffered in dorms, she couldn't get out of bed , she skipped classes all the time.
You see right: there are no pat answers. Only lessons . Our children are our biggest teachers. My narcissist daughter is teaching me how to focus on me, how to set and enforce boundaries and how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable which brings growth.
