Pushing my buttons...need advice

[carolanne]

I am sick as a dog so please excuse my grammar and spelling... :ill:

I have two girls...11 and 13...and it's getting out of hand lately. They both seem to think they have the right to tell me how to parent them and my little boy, they have the right to insult me and call me a liar(Becky does this on a weekly basis...she's the 13) andthe constant picking at each other and fighting is driving me up the wall. :slap:

They refuse to do their chores(dry dishes, clean room bring their laundry down so I can wash it), leave school grounds without my permission or the school's,...the list goes on and on.

I ground, take away privleges, don't pay allowance for chores not done....I don't know what else to do.

My husband is not any help at all, sits on his duff playing computer games or else he's sleeping...

At one point I actually went on strike but the only one who suffered was the two yr old because he tripped over a pile of dirty laundry in daughter's room and ended up with an earring post through his hand....argh :mad:

If anyone has any ideas that they've tried I would love to hear them...at this point the only thing I can think of is taking away the school trip butI've already paid $300 and it's not refundable...


I know that some, if not all, of this is because of gfgd but geez louise I've had more than enough...

Carolanne

 

[everywoman]

Carolanne,
Sorry to say, but a lot of their actions just come because of their ages. I so disliked my daughter at that age. They are testing the boundaries now, as they should be. You say you can't take away the trip because you've already paid, that's not true---you can still take it and lose the money---me---I would look forward to the break. I know that gfgd has caused a lot of stress in the family. Are the others in counseling to deal with what has happened? Sometimes the stress of a situation weighs heavily on adolescents and they don't even realize it. What I did was Shut the bedroom door. The mess had to stay in her room---and if it came out into the common areas---it got thrown away---yes, even good clothes and shoes. I refused to buy anything new until she took care of what she had. I tried to find ways to spend quality time with her or my oldest son away from the drama that difficult child caused.

 

[DDD]

I know that you don't have the energy to do it...but...I really
think both girls need to be evaluated or at least begin therapy
to quell the issues. The carryover from difficult children can completely wreck a family. Many years ago (probably almost 40!!) I read
an article written by a child psychiatrist that said something
interesting. He said that once the original "bad" child or troublemaker is removed from the family...one or more other children will step into that position. For some reason I have
always remembered that and in many cases I think it is true. I
don't think it is intentional. The dysfunctional family remains
dysfunctional once the catalyst is removed. Your girls are
"stepping up to the plate", you are exhausted, your husband has opted
to remove himself from the stress. Somehow (perhaps temporary
medications?) you need to get a handle on their behavior before it
escalates beyond where your difficult child took the family before.

PS: I would look forward to the break from them, too. LOL. DDD

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> try not to scream, but i agree with-DDD. evaluations for both of them now rather than later would be the way to go if it were me.

are the behaviors new, were they always there but not as noticible because difficult child was always causing a rukus?? at anyrate i'd have them both evaluated.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[DazedandConfused]

A lot of it comes from being the age that they are. Daughter acts like she is "co-parent" to Son. Will constantly argue with me about my decisions with him. And, frankly, herself. When I try and help her with her reactivity to peers( a very big problem for her)she calls my guidance "stupid".

Calling me a liar? Daughter wouldn't dare. I would hit her where she lives. That meaning, the few designer things she has would be gone. And she knows I mean it. As far as leaving school, well, I promised Daughter if she did something like that I would show up on her school common area, during lunch, in a threadbare bathrobe, hair in rollers (with one barely hanging on), and begin to bleat her name and plead with her peers as to her whereabouts. Daughter is terrified of me embarrassing her, so ditching and leaving campus has never been a problem because I would do it in a heartbeat.

Daughter is a slob, too. However, I stopped doing her laundry when she turned 13. She is completely responsible for it. No, I don't always like how she does it, but it's one less headache I deal with.

As far as getting them to do what you want. Would a dangling a carrot help? Something that they really like, but won't allow until they do their chores? I know that I will not allow daughter her computer time during the week unless she helps clean the kitchen after dinner.

I would agree about evaluations and therapy. Living with a difficult child is so very stressful and it doesn't evaporate when the difficult child is out of the home. Combine that with the typical teen issues and it's a powder keg of emotions for a teen, and preteen, to cope with.

Honestly, sometimes I just want to kick Daughter to the curb and not allow her back in my home until she's done with college (I hope!) and paying her own way!

 

[carolanne]

I have had them both in therapy for months now, in fact since the first time gfgd started her junk with the family. Thought it was best the girls had a sounding board outside the family where they could say what they had to without a mom reaction....horror, gasping...all that stuff you know

It's only been since xmas that it's ramped up around here....I even asked easy child#1 why she felt it was okay to call me names and not her dad and she said she wouldn't even think of calling him that because he would explode and all I do is take away the computer!! :rolleyes:

I sat both of them down and told them being treated this way isn't right and will stop....I said they need to earn any privleges they want...computer, tv, time out with friends, extra $...I also told them they will get a base allowance of $5 a week but anything more than that is earned....but will deduct each time they are rude and ignorant to me...especially being called a liar and told I am useless.

They've both been told the trip will be cancelled and I will stop allowances until the money I lose is paid back if they treat me the way they did this week....just the thought of losing that money makes me sick :ill:

Late last night I heard some pretty nasty muttering between the two of them in their room so maybe they realize they've just pushed mom too far this time.

I don't want to be a heavy but I also don't want to be their friend...I am their mom and due respect and decent treatment for that alone...

Carolanne
ps as for the laundry, I have to do it because the washer timer is shot and the machine keeps filling up unless someone watches it closely...need to fix it but it's too much money right now.. :slap: