Hi there and welcome again.
I can only think of a few reasons why we get to the point that you are at with your daughter. One is fear of their violence. I also read an older mindbending story on this forum where a daughter stole all her parents money by tricking them. She was "helping" them with banking....(sigh). They had yet to get anyoney back when the story was written. Some of our beloved kids are truly criminals and a threat to us. Some are so abusive on so many levels that for our sakes the answer always has to be no, you can't be near me! There are reasons we get to this point and it is never because WE are bad people. Most if us have tried soooo hard. Bur nobody, not even our child, has the right to destroy us. Many try and sometimes they actually do. It's sad for us all.
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Iffour entire family has written off your daughter she must have some really insanely perilous behaviors that won't change or go away. What has happened in the past will just repeat if you try to help out again.
People who seem to be intrinsically hurtful to others, do not just change and will always be a threat. Yet they will manipulate us so that WE feel guilty. It is part of what is wrong with them. My own daughter is this way. We tried everything to help her so that she would change to be a better person. The only people who changed were her father and me. She is the same as always and no family will help her either and she is homeless. This is after we bought her a house, a mobile home and paid for several apartments. She cracked up three cars too. She had every chance and blew them all. We are done with that.
This is what I would do if my daughter Kay came home with a baby, a very scary thought.
No money. Those days are forever over. I don't like to think about how much money we already gave her. My other kids are horrified over that. Kay has Foodshare...she does not starve.
I would also not let Kay into our home again. She is violent, a liar and a thief. She has learned to work our government assistance system for food and medicine. Somehow she got Disability, which incliudes foodshare and Medicare/,Medicaid and has her own case manager. She doesn't use her case manager but that is her own problem...her choice.....I can not fix her or take care of her and no longer tell her what to do. She gets enraged if I do. She won't listen, justbyell.
So....I would take Kay to some restaurant where other people are eating too and talk to her only about maybe giving custody of her baby to one of her siblings or a young cousin. Or foster careAnd somehow I'd sneak into the rest room and call CPS to attempt to get the baby help. I am 68 and can not raise an infant again. My husband is not well. I can't risk his health by raising a baby. If I were younger maybe I'd offer to adopt the baby. But I know I can't now and I have to take care of me now and do my best for the baby....the best is if the baby lives in a stable home with younger people than us. Kay is a useless, horrible, uncaring mother...I would hope she would give up custody. She never liked mothering.....
I may even call the cops while hiding in the restaurant rest rooms so that the baby is known by the system both by CPS and local authorities. My focus would be on the baby. Find out if Dad has a good family....contact them....etc.
In the end, the system makes it hard to help our disturbed children's offspring unless our disturbed child goes along with it. We can only do what we are allowed to do.
But under no condition would I bring Kay into my house. My daughter is one of those rare people who is what I painfully call evil. She has no heart, no remorse for anyone and is very dangerous to loved ones because of how she uses our love....she is very skilled at gaslighting, lying with conviction, sneaky stealing and will physically hurt us with no qualms. Letting her into our house even for a few nights would mean to her that she lives with us. We would never get her out. Tenant rights are scary....read up on them. Please read up on them!!!
It took me and my.husband ten years to face how evil my daughter is...how there is nothing we can do to help her. That any monetary tie to us is dangerous. by the way her sister, my.nice daughter, has custody of Kays son. If Kay has another baby, my nice daughter has said she can not raise any more children....between Kay's son and her three and a new marriage she has all the kids she is willing to raise. I once offered to bribe Kay to tie her tubes. You can imagine how that went.
Kay doesn't call to ask about her son but would if she could get money by.using him, she would call. But Kay already knows that the Bank of Dad and Mom is closed to her forever. We have been very conscientious about No Money so she knows. The entire family.is done.
These particular adult children drive us to limits we never dreamed of. Just when we think they have done their worst, they shock us again. And the bottom line is always about getting stuff from us. To me, Kay seemed to only come around when she could benefit financially. We made a good living, but you would not know that by looking at our retirement savings. So much went to Kay.
We are all different people.There are no absolutes. These are our opinions based in our experiences. This is just my take on what is best...based on the idea that these kids will harm us. in my opinion we are not able to rescue these kids and God help their children....we can only do so much for them....often nothing without risking our lives.
I found private therapy and a 12 step Zoom meeting Nar Anon (for parents who love drug addicts) to be lifesaving for us. I would never do this dance alone. Nar Anon has helped us way beyond Kay's drug use. We yse it in all our affairs.
Love and hugs.
