Question for those with experience or suggestions

Kimsco

New Member
Some have read my story and given GREAT feedback (thank you!) Here’s a fear, and need some guidance on: Adult daughter who I currently do not have a relationship with and is not welcome back to live in my home (for several reasons ) shows up with baby in tote (she is due any day) Homeless, no vehicle, with nothing/ nowhere to go…..which would rip my heart out seeing her and would absolutely just want to take her in and do what most parents would do-However, because I do not trust her ( again for many reasons), I wouldn’t be able to house her. What would you do? Put them in your vehicle and bring to a shelter? I’d feel like the lowest being in the world doing that -but NO family member will take her in - she’s burned all bridges and her borderline makes just getting along a challenge resulting in a conflicting, turbulent household . It’s like there is no other option. I have a feeling this is coming and need to be prepared. I can’t even believe I’m asking this. Absolutely Depressing.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I would consider, and only consider as I’m not sure…keep a food store gift certificate in your home. Not let her know you’ve done this or have more than one (if you get more than one). A moderate amount. Make sure the food store is near the shelter.

Keep phone numbers or addresses of shelters and various services. I would consider giving her one of the food store gift certificates and asking her if you can Uber her to a shelter. You can text her if she has a cell phone some of the numbers you have for her to review at the shelter for food (food banks?) and other needs …and make it clear that you won’t be able to help her other than what you e just done. If she doesn’t have a cell phone you can attempt to give her the list typed out or handwritten. Keep a copy fir yourself. Shelters, food banks, Medicare and Medicaid, government housing, whatever you can think of etc. Greatly limit your involvement. Big time.

Good luck.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Hi there and welcome again.

I can only think of a few reasons why we get to the point that you are at with your daughter. One is fear of their violence. I also read an older mindbending story on this forum where a daughter stole all her parents money by tricking them. She was "helping" them with banking....(sigh). They had yet to get anyoney back when the story was written. Some of our beloved kids are truly criminals and a threat to us. Some are so abusive on so many levels that for our sakes the answer always has to be no, you can't be near me! There are reasons we get to this point and it is never because WE are bad people. Most if us have tried soooo hard. Bur nobody, not even our child, has the right to destroy us. Many try and sometimes they actually do. It's sad for us all.
.
Iffour entire family has written off your daughter she must have some really insanely perilous behaviors that won't change or go away. What has happened in the past will just repeat if you try to help out again.

People who seem to be intrinsically hurtful to others, do not just change and will always be a threat. Yet they will manipulate us so that WE feel guilty. It is part of what is wrong with them. My own daughter is this way. We tried everything to help her so that she would change to be a better person. The only people who changed were her father and me. She is the same as always and no family will help her either and she is homeless. This is after we bought her a house, a mobile home and paid for several apartments. She cracked up three cars too. She had every chance and blew them all. We are done with that.

This is what I would do if my daughter Kay came home with a baby, a very scary thought.

No money. Those days are forever over. I don't like to think about how much money we already gave her. My other kids are horrified over that. Kay has Foodshare...she does not starve.

I would also not let Kay into our home again. She is violent, a liar and a thief. She has learned to work our government assistance system for food and medicine. Somehow she got Disability, which incliudes foodshare and Medicare/,Medicaid and has her own case manager. She doesn't use her case manager but that is her own problem...her choice.....I can not fix her or take care of her and no longer tell her what to do. She gets enraged if I do. She won't listen, justbyell.

So....I would take Kay to some restaurant where other people are eating too and talk to her only about maybe giving custody of her baby to one of her siblings or a young cousin. Or foster careAnd somehow I'd sneak into the rest room and call CPS to attempt to get the baby help. I am 68 and can not raise an infant again. My husband is not well. I can't risk his health by raising a baby. If I were younger maybe I'd offer to adopt the baby. But I know I can't now and I have to take care of me now and do my best for the baby....the best is if the baby lives in a stable home with younger people than us. Kay is a useless, horrible, uncaring mother...I would hope she would give up custody. She never liked mothering.....

I may even call the cops while hiding in the restaurant rest rooms so that the baby is known by the system both by CPS and local authorities. My focus would be on the baby. Find out if Dad has a good family....contact them....etc.

In the end, the system makes it hard to help our disturbed children's offspring unless our disturbed child goes along with it. We can only do what we are allowed to do.

But under no condition would I bring Kay into my house. My daughter is one of those rare people who is what I painfully call evil. She has no heart, no remorse for anyone and is very dangerous to loved ones because of how she uses our love....she is very skilled at gaslighting, lying with conviction, sneaky stealing and will physically hurt us with no qualms. Letting her into our house even for a few nights would mean to her that she lives with us. We would never get her out. Tenant rights are scary....read up on them. Please read up on them!!!

It took me and my.husband ten years to face how evil my daughter is...how there is nothing we can do to help her. That any monetary tie to us is dangerous. by the way her sister, my.nice daughter, has custody of Kays son. If Kay has another baby, my nice daughter has said she can not raise any more children....between Kay's son and her three and a new marriage she has all the kids she is willing to raise. I once offered to bribe Kay to tie her tubes. You can imagine how that went.

Kay doesn't call to ask about her son but would if she could get money by.using him, she would call. But Kay already knows that the Bank of Dad and Mom is closed to her forever. We have been very conscientious about No Money so she knows. The entire family.is done.

These particular adult children drive us to limits we never dreamed of. Just when we think they have done their worst, they shock us again. And the bottom line is always about getting stuff from us. To me, Kay seemed to only come around when she could benefit financially. We made a good living, but you would not know that by looking at our retirement savings. So much went to Kay.

We are all different people.There are no absolutes. These are our opinions based in our experiences. This is just my take on what is best...based on the idea that these kids will harm us. in my opinion we are not able to rescue these kids and God help their children....we can only do so much for them....often nothing without risking our lives.

I found private therapy and a 12 step Zoom meeting Nar Anon (for parents who love drug addicts) to be lifesaving for us. I would never do this dance alone. Nar Anon has helped us way beyond Kay's drug use. We yse it in all our affairs.

Love and hugs.
 

Kimsco

New Member
I would consider, and only consider as I’m not sure…keep a food store gift certificate in your home. Not let her know you’ve done this or have more than one (if you get more than one). A moderate amount. Make sure the food store is near the shelter.

Keep phone numbers or addresses of shelters and various services. I would consider giving her one of the food store gift certificates and asking her if you can Uber her to a shelter. You can text her if she has a cell phone some of the numbers you have for her to review at the shelter for food (food banks?) and other needs …and make it clear that you won’t be able to help her other than what you e just done. If she doesn’t have a cell phone you can attempt to give her the list typed out or handwritten. Keep a copy fir yourself. Shelters, food banks, Medicare and Medicaid, government housing, whatever you can think of etc. Greatly limit your involvement. Big time.

Good luck.
Thank you so much for your feedback- greatly appreciate your time and wise words of wisdom 💗
 

Kimsco

New Member
Hi there and welcome again.

I can only think of a few reasons why we get to the point that you are at with your daughter. One is fear of their violence. I also read an older mindbending story on this forum where a daughter stole all her parents money by tricking them. She was "helping" them with banking....(sigh). They had yet to get anyoney back when the story was written. Some of our beloved kids are truly criminals and a threat to us. Some are so abusive on so many levels that for our sakes the answer always has to be no, you can't be near me! There are reasons we get to this point and it is never because WE are bad people. Most if us have tried soooo hard. Bur nobody, not even our child, has the right to destroy us. Many try and sometimes they actually do. It's sad for us all.
.
Iffour entire family has written off your daughter she must have some really insanely perilous behaviors that won't change or go away. What has happened in the past will just repeat if you try to help out again.

People who seem to be intrinsically hurtful to others, do not just change and will always be a threat. Yet they will manipulate us so that WE feel guilty. It is part of what is wrong with them. My own daughter is this way. We tried everything to help her so that she would change to be a better person. The only people who changed were her father and me. She is the same as always and no family will help her either and she is homeless. This is after we bought her a house, a mobile home and paid for several apartments. She cracked up three cars too. She had every chance and blew them all. We are done with that.

This is what I would do if my daughter Kay came home with a baby, a very scary thought.

No money. Those days are forever over. I don't like to think about how much money we already gave her. My other kids are horrified over that. Kay has Foodshare...she does not starve.

I would also not let Kay into our home again. She is violent, a liar and a thief. She has learned to work our government assistance system for food and medicine. Somehow she got Disability, which incliudes foodshare and Medicare/,Medicaid and has her own case manager. She doesn't use her case manager but that is her own problem...her choice.....I can not fix her or take care of her and no longer tell her what to do. She gets enraged if I do. She won't listen, justbyell.

So....I would take Kay to some restaurant where other people are eating too and talk to her only about maybe giving custody of her baby to one of her siblings or a young cousin. Or foster careAnd somehow I'd sneak into the rest room and call CPS to attempt to get the baby help. I am 68 and can not raise an infant again. My husband is not well. I can't risk his health by raising a baby. If I were younger maybe I'd offer to adopt the baby. But I know I can't now and I have to take care of me now and do my best for the baby....the best is if the baby lives in a stable home with younger people than us. Kay is a useless, horrible, uncaring mother...I would hope she would give up custody. She never liked mothering.....

I may even call the cops while hiding in the restaurant rest rooms so that the baby is known by the system both by CPS and local authorities. My focus would be on the baby. Find out if Dad has a good family....contact them....etc.

In the end, the system makes it hard to help our disturbed children's offspring unless our disturbed child goes along with it. We can only do what we are allowed to do.

But under no condition would I bring Kay into my house. My daughter is one of those rare people who is what I painfully call evil. She has no heart, no remorse for anyone and is very dangerous to loved ones because of how she uses our love....she is very skilled at gaslighting, lying with conviction, sneaky stealing and will physically hurt us with no qualms. Letting her into our house even for a few nights would mean to her that she lives with us. We would never get her out. Tenant rights are scary....read up on them. Please read up on them!!!

It took me and my.husband ten years to face how evil my daughter is...how there is nothing we can do to help her. That any monetary tie to us is dangerous. by the way her sister, my.nice daughter, has custody of Kays son. If Kay has another baby, my nice daughter has said she can not raise any more children....between Kay's son and her three and a new marriage she has all the kids she is willing to raise. I once offered to bribe Kay to tie her tubes. You can imagine how that went.

Kay doesn't call to ask about her son but would if she could get money by.using him, she would call. But Kay already knows that the Bank of Dad and Mom is closed to her forever. We have been very conscientious about No Money so she knows. The entire family.is done.

These particular adult children drive us to limits we never dreamed of. Just when we think they have done their worst, they shock us again. And the bottom line is always about getting stuff from us. To me, Kay seemed to only come around when she could benefit financially. We made a good living, but you would not know that by looking at our retirement savings. So much went to Kay.

We are all different people.There are no absolutes. These are our opinions based in our experiences. This is just my take on what is best...based on the idea that these kids will harm us. in my opinion we are not able to rescue these kids and God help their children....we can only do so much for them....often nothing without risking our lives.

I found private therapy and a 12 step Zoom meeting Nar Anon (for parents who love drug addicts) to be lifesaving for us. I would never do this dance alone. Nar Anon has helped us way beyond Kay's drug use. We yse it in all our affairs.

Love and hugs
 

Kimsco

New Member
Thank you for taking the time to give me some direction. I can feel your pain and what you’ve been through. It’s a dark and sad place. Will use your words of wisdom also to help steer me in the right path. 💗
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Would you raise the baby? Could you? If so I would have that as my bottom line. I would require and insist on up front a formal legal adoption.

If you can’t or won’t raise the baby I would send her in her way. However hard that is. There are resources for them.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Our age and health are in my opinion importent with older person adoption. Kids will need our care for at least 18 years and some much longer. I feel if husband and I adopted any infant now, in 10 years I will be 78. And he will be 10 with so many years left to go and no guantees we can make it. What happens to the child when the only parents he knows gets sick or dies at vulnerable ages for the kids?? That is a bad time for them suddenly ending up in foster care. If you are 50 you could likely do it. 60 harder. 70 almost no way of being able to go all the way. in my opinion not worth the gamble.

This is something we may put on the backburner at first but in my opinion it is vitally important. So I brought it up as a reminder. We can look to interested younger relatives or out of family adoption. I would not encourage Kay to keep the baby but in the end this is on her with nothing I can do.

This is not easy. All we can do is what we can do. The baby needs one or two parents who will be there for a very long time. Our age matters before we offer. Do please think if you have no young relatives to take over if you should die and then leave the baby parent less. Scary, right?

Hugs and love.
 
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Kimsco

New Member
Yeah my husband and I have spoken about this in great detail, but bottom line is we are not equipped to raise a baby again, emotionally OR financially. WE chose ourselves not to have children because of this 10 years ago ( we are each other’s 2nd marriage and both our children are grown/ in their 20s) One of us would have to quit our job, which is financially impossible, plus my husband works third shift and lots of doubles leaving him to get 4-5 hours of sleep several times a week. Our lives would be turned upside down. It sounds selfish, and I can’t help but feel that way all the time, BUT -We did not create this issue nor can we take it on.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
I have been in the position you find yourselves in - of having a daughter show up on my doorstep pregnant with a small child also. We took her in many times, but there came a point where we could not do it any more. She brought chaos with her, and was only momentarily grateful.

Not taking her in again was one of the hardest things I ever did, but my husband and I are in our 60's. It's been five years, and she hasn't talked to me since. That means I haven't seen my grandchildren and have much sadness, but I don't have the verbal abuse, guilting, manipulation, and all the other things that also broke our hearts. She lied, stole our car - I can go on and on.

Save yourselves. It doesn't mean you don't love her. She has to want to change.
 
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