Reality

[New Leaf]

I have been absent for a bit, watching grandkids, working my jungle garden and busy with granddaughter who is in the height of her teenage years, a junior now and doing quite well in school.
Just came back from a two week visit with mom and sisters. New England in the fall is so beautiful. Mom will be 91 and has dementia and health issues, it is difficult to leave, being so far away is hard.
Dealt with an excruciating stomach flu upon coming home but feel much better. Glad I didn’t get hit on the long plane trip home.
The phone rang yesterday, Rain is back in the hospital, been there for about 5 days. She has lived on the streets addicted to meth for over ten years and it has taken its toll. I pulled myself together and went to visit. This time around it’s not the leg infection, it’s years of unchecked diabetes, high blood pressure and God only knows what else due to meth use and street life. She arrived at the hospital in kidney failure, lungs full of fluids and her heart on the cusp of failure as well. She has responded to treatment and medications, but doctor said if her kidneys don’t improve, she is looking at dialysis in a year or two. She needs to stop the meth and follow up with cardiac care. Sigh.
Rain said this health event has scared her enough to do something, but who knows? She will be released as soon as they control the fluid retention and find the right medications. Probably within the next couple of days. Her pattern has been to disappear off into the streets again and not follow through with treatment. As I write this, I am kind of in a numb state, reviewing the sad reality in my mind and trying to breath through the initial reaction of wanting to scoop her up and offer to bring her home.
That’s what any mother would do right?
That’s the harsh part of this reality, I am not just any mother. I am the mother of two meth addicted daughters who have over and again abandoned themselves and their families to meth use and street life. I am the mother of three well children and grandmother of nine, great grandmother of soon to be six. I am the grandmother of a beautiful 16 year old in my care, who deserves to live in a peaceful, secure home, as do I. I am a mother who has been there, done that with the addiction not so merry go round, the drama and trauma of it all. And still I grapple with the hard reality that I can’t bring my extremely ill first born home.

This is my place to stand: Our adult children (almost all of them) can meet their own needs. They know how to get food, shelter, get on and pay for the bus, get medical care, etc. They are unmotivated for a variety of reasons.

Thank you Copa. This is the reality. My daughter, if she chooses, can get a free phone, she can get help from social services, she can get free taxi rides to appointments, has state medical insurance, plus can get on SSI now that she has been diagnosed with heart and kidney disease. She can get fast tracked into medical housing for homeless in her situation. Whether or not she does this, is up to her. She is 45 years old, an adult, not a child.
On top of all of this, I just learned that Tornado, released from jail two weeks ago for probation ordered rehab, left rehab and is back on the streets. I am sad, but honestly, not surprised. It has been her pattern for six years. I told her in her last call from jail that I would not be putting money into a phone account if she ended up leaving rehab. She has a bench warrant and will eventually be picked up, as she is well known in the system. She knows the repercussions. For now, the on again off again contact, the glimpses of sobriety and the return to meth use has been an emotional yo-yo that is just.too.much. I do realize that I may change my mind about contact and that’s okay. It is the nature of this beast we deal with, addiction, sobriety, relapse and walking the thin line between loving our adult children, detachment, guarding our hearts, our sanity, our peace of mind.
As Copa said in the same post I quoted “We are not things, we are souls.”
I have long thought and written that meth is a soul snatcher. The victims are not only those addicted, but also family members who become disillusioned into thinking that sacrificing themselves will bring about change in their loved ones choices to use. It doesn’t.
Meth has ensnared my daughters and I must bolster up the strength to once again, stand firm and let God and let go. As I write this, I am also cognizant of how difficult this is.
I am extremely thankful that I am able to reach out to the kind souls here who understand all too well this journey. I have been on this path for years and have friends and family that are tired of hearing these stories. There are those who wonder why “I just won’t bring my girls home”. For those of you who have followed along, please know I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to share my heart and thoughts. I apologize for the “trauma dump”.
I wish we all didn’t have to carry this burden. But here we are. So, I will write this as a hope and prayer, may God watch over our wayward beloveds and give us the strength to carry on and go forth and grow with grace.
Amen.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Hi New Leaf.
I am always so happy when you post. But as we say this does not take away my sadness that you must. Oh that we would know and love each other in another reality, say, at homes near the beach, next door, to sit and talk and walk and sip our drinks, and talk some more. I will write more later.

I needed to tell you how sorry I am that Rain is in such a state (and you with her, for how could it not be so.) In the deepest part of my heart I pray that she will find strength to choose to live. Love, Copa

 

[New Leaf]

From the bottom of my heart to my very essence, I thank you for reaching out yet again Copa.

Oh that we would know and love each other in another reality, say, at homes near the beach, next door, to sit and talk and walk and sip our drinks, and talk some more.

Yes, this. Exactly this. It has felt as much through time spent here on CD, the closeness and bond of shared challenges, heartache and encouragement. How wonderful it would be to be neighbors! But please know that across the ocean, your wisdom, kindness, compassion and honesty has sustained me through these years.

I needed to tell you how sorry I am that Rain is in such a state (and you with her, for how could it not be so.) In the deepest part of my heart I pray that she will find strength to choose to live. Love, Copa

I pray the same too, for it has come to this, a choice to live. How I wish that she would find her way and light within and choose life.
Thank you Copa.
Love New Leaf

 

[ButCoffeeFirst]

Hi New Leaf,
I am so sorry. Your grief thrums through your words, but also your strength and steadfast commitment to stand firm, again, accepting what you cannot change and investing your support and energy where it does make a difference. That is the only path forward ultimately. And you are still on it. Stepping back to guard your sanity is painful, hard and necessary.

i don’t want to add another responsibility, but I want to say that your long journey and the hard earned wisdom you have accumulated and share through this board is of enormous benefit to those of us newer to this marathon. You wouldn’t choose to be a member mentor or a support in this club, but since you are I want you to know how much your words here help others. Have helped me. To reflect, to empathise with others and myself (if that can happen), to accept, to allow myself a life beyond sacrificing myself for a loved child that I cannot rescue.
Your words help me.
And I am so grateful that you post here.
Love ButCoffeeFirst

 

[Copabanana]

Rain said this health event has scared her enough to do something, but who knows? She will be released as soon as they control the fluid retention and find the right medications.

Hi again New Leaf, it's late here but I wanted to get in a few more words.
If I was the hospital social worker i would discharge her to a medical facility where she would get drug treatment, psychological treatment and medical care.

wanting to scoop her up and offer to bring her home.

Your house offers none of these things.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi ButCoffeeFirst,
Thank you so much for your kind response and encouragement.

I am so sorry. Your grief thrums through your words, but also your strength and steadfast commitment to stand firm, again, accepting what you cannot change and investing your support and energy where it does make a difference. That is the only path forward ultimately. And you are still on it. Stepping back to guard your sanity is painful, hard and necessary.

I know that I will have to work hard at reaffirming my stance and balance while processing this reality. The fog rolls in and bodes me to reevaluate my position, the questions swirling through my head, then talking myself back to as you so aptly put “the only path ultimately.” It is still a battle for me as a mother, but that means I have to go back to my “toolbox” to work through the grief.

i don’t want to add another responsibility, but I want to say that your long journey and the hard earned wisdom you have accumulated and share through this board is of enormous benefit to those of us newer to this marathon. You wouldn’t choose to be a member mentor or a support in this club, but since you are I want you to know how much your words here help others. Have helped me. To reflect, to empathise with others and myself (if that can happen), to accept, to allow myself a life beyond sacrificing myself for a loved child that I cannot rescue.
Your words help me.
And I am so grateful that you post here.

I have read and reread this. I am eternally grateful to be able to come here and write out my thoughts and receive such help and support on this journey. In truth, when I respond to others with the challenges we face, and what has ultimately worked for me, I am also writing to myself as a reminder of a past I do not want to repeat. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support.
“To allow myself a life beyond sacrificing myself for a loved child that I cannot rescue.”
I need to put this on my fridge.
I have to remind myself to lean back and breathe, to have faith that God has got this.
Thank you Coffee.
New Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Copa,

Hi again New Leaf, it's late here but I wanted to get in a few more words.
If I was the hospital social worker i would discharge her to a medical facility where she would get drug treatment, psychological treatment and medical care.

Me too. I am not sure what is immediately available for her, but Rain has said that social workers have come to visit. She mentioned the medical treatment shelter, but that there is a waitlist. We have a huge problem here on Oahu with meth.
When I talk with Rain, I wonder if she fully grasps her situation, and how willing she would be to go into treatment, once they find the right medications and she feels better. She tends to forget the peril that drove her to get medical help, the lure of the streets wins.
One option that I have thought about is to see if Rain will allow me to sit with her and talk with a social worker.

Your house offers none of these things.

This is very true. As I have written in the past, I do not have the resources, knowledge and background to truly be of help to my daughters. Their being in my home has never helped them, only driven us into the downward spiral of the rabbit hole. What a macabre dance that is.
Thank you Copa, your thoughts in the night have helped tremendously.

 

[Copabanana]

I have a very old friend who was in the situation medically that Rain is in, absent the drugs. Or worse. They were in Turkey for the year and he was unaware his blood pressure medicine was insufficient. He ended up with kidney failure and needed open heart surgery. I saw him last year. He seemed fine.

But there has to be a pivot point.

One option that I have thought about is to see if Rain will allow me to sit with her and talk with a social worker.

Since last night I have been wondering and worrying about Rain's psychological competence, at this point, to make good medical decisions or any good decisions. I agree she needs an advocate, if she would accept one. (Our children seem to have reduced their lives to just one speed, on or off. Sigh.)

We know New Leaf that people stop meth. Even after years and years and years. They do. My town was a major transport hub from Mexico in the 90's. I see middle age people all over the town with the effects of meth on their faces, who are sober, and working. Or they tell me their before and after stories. She could do this. The pivot.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Copa,
Yes the pivot.

But there has to be a pivot point.

Right now I see her street “boyfriend” as a huge block to her follow through. He is abusive, but she will make excuses for him. He prevented her from completing her antibiotic treatment for her last leg infection by taking her phone. He was at the hospital when I visited and of course, I don’t like him at all. To say the least.

Since last night I have been wondering and worrying about Rain's psychological competence, at this point, to make good medical decisions or any good decisions. I agree she needs an advocate, if she would accept one. (Our children seem to have reduced their lives to just one speed, on or off. Sigh.)

I have thought for many years that she needed advocacy not only due to her meth use, history of countless situations with abusive men and more recently, her hospitalizations. Unfortunately, the nurses and docs don’t see it that way. As long as she is able to prove competency, (whatever the measurement for that is, I think the bar is set quite low) she has “freedom of choice”. I am reminded that I have no control over her choices. So as the thoughts swirl round in my head exacerbated by this newfound medical issue, I am resigned to take baby steps, day by day and be there for her and just love her. It is so easy to get caught up in a maelstrom of emotions and get swept away with what ifs and so on. That leads me to the edge and I can’t function, can’t make rational decisions. Start failing physically, mentally and spiritually. So I suppose “the pivot” applies to me as well. I have pivoted from the old me and the old initial reactions turned to rescue mode. Along the way I have pivoted back and forth. I have learned through the years that rescue mode has never worked, yet, that pattern still lingers in the back of my mind, trying to tiptoe to the forefront with fear, obligation and guilt, beckoning. The whole “lest I grow cold” conundrum, “I have to do something”, “I am her mother.” Or “Things will be different this time, it’s life or death.” Or, “How could I let her go back to the streets in this condition?” Frankly, I will always be a “recovering enabler”. I cannot coerce, plead or force my two waywards into a lifestyle I so wish for them, hoped and dreamed for them, even in a life or death struggle. I can only pray.

We know New Leaf that people stop meth. Even after years and years and years. They do. My town was a major transport hub from Mexico in the 90's. I see middle age people all over the town with the effects of meth on their faces, who are sober, and working. Or they tell me their before and after stories. She could do this. The pivot.

People do stop meth. There is hope. But, it has always been and will be her choice whether to quit, or not. That is the harsh reality. She has to choose better, in order to live. All I can do for now, is to be present and loving, and assist in whatever way is feasible without slipping into attachment and enabling. She could pivot, and I pray daily that she will.
Thank you Copa

 

[New Leaf]

Well I just got off the phone with Rain, they are releasing her. She was trying to get out of the room to avoid her boyfriend, who now is not really her boyfriend but just keeps showing up……..sigh.
She is catching a taxi to a friends’ apartment and from there, I don’t know. She does not have a phone. So, unless she reaches out I have no way of contacting her.
She did say that an old friend visited her who has been sober for 6 years and offered to help her get into rehab.
I hope and pray that she will follow through. I hope that she will at least keep in touch.
It’s never ending.
God help us.

 

[Copabanana]

Oh.
Well. It's clear-cut. She will do what she will do, and you, with her.

So I suppose “the pivot” applies to me as well.

All of us.

I have learned through the years that rescue mode has never worked, yet, that pattern still lingers in the back of my mind, trying to tiptoe to the forefront with fear, obligation and guilt, beckoning.

No. I think what is there is love.

“How could I let her go back to the streets in this condition?”

If she goes back to the streets it is she who is going. You're not pushing her. You could never save her. You can't now. She can only save herself. You have to save yourself. I have to save myself. That's how it works. If there was another way, we would have found it. We tried and tried and tried to find the right door.

She knows you love her. That is everything. That is what we can give. (I have a hard time.. I get mad. Still.)

New Leaf, we never could get it right because it's our children who have to want it. They have to be able to want something different for themselves. They can. But it's not our wanting that finds the door. It's theirs.

But, it has always been and will be her choice whether to quit, or not. That is the harsh reality.

Yes. It's reality. But harsh, no. She owns her life. We are only in charge of our own lives. That's where we went wrong, New Leaf. It's just plain old reality. Let's see what she does.

She seems to have made distance from this jerk of a guy. She has this old friend who is recovering that is offering help. Baby steps.

Prayers. New Leaf, please go rest. Do whatever you can do now for yourself and your granddaughter to recover your strength and focus



_

 

[Kalahou]

ALOHA Leaf and Copa, dear friends,

I weep to see you post again New Leaf. Both for joy at “seeing” you again and for the grief of “rinse / repeat” of same and new issues. I lift Rain and Tornado in my love, thoughts, and prayers. I am following you along. Also thankful for your other ohana members who support you and bring joy.

Copa, you also – always a voice of truth and clarity. Both of you were first here for me in 2015 when I first joined PE, and I felt your kindred hearts knit together with my soul. That link has sustained me over and over again, as I see you still here, and soak in your wisdom. I have seen us all grow since then / become new in many ways. We have survived (and to a point thrived) in the midst of the madness we find ourselves in.

I have not posted here about my own situation for so long, but I do come here often - out of need for support and strength. One reason I have not posted is because my son (3rd child - 45 yrs) remains incarcerated (last 3+ years) , which has been a peaceful reprieve for my “roller-coaster” of despair. I am now 78 years old, and need this peace for my own health and safety. When son is eventually released before long (which will happen I know) we will then see the evidence of whether any prison time / rehab / aging has wrought a change of heart with him re: meth use and crime. I expect nothing, but keep some hope alive with aloha. We are going to be alright.

Bless you dear sisters. E pule kakou.
Kalahou