Relapse again

[RN0441]

He did have kidney surgery about 5 years ago to reroute an artery due to a slight malformation but it is fine now and is still operating at about 85%. He had pain before the surgery but does not now unless he were drinking tons of alcohol etc. It empties slower than a normal kidney.

My son is very resourceful. I wish he'd use it for good. He's also very determined. Again, wish he'd use it for good.

I used to pray he'd just go to sleep!!

Our condo is in a gated community so he would have a rough time getting into it. They are very strict. It's also about 1.5 hour drive away from where he is and he does not have a key. He also has no gas or money for gas. We would definitely have him arrested if he went there. That would really be ballsy.

He had a good interview (so he told his dad) at Publix but if he was taking pills I'm sure they noticed that so he will not get called. We just don't know.

Husband says he needs to suffer which he never has. He needs to be scared. Maybe then he'll take rehab seriously. So far he has not. Just blames us for his situation.

 

[Kathy813]

Your husband is right. Your son will not starve. I sent you a PM.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Well husband told him he'd give him $5 per day for food but that's it. We talked about it but didn't decide but he just did it. I'm actually okay with that.

Son says he hasn't showered etc. I am concerned about all of that and the fact that he has braces too. We can see what he spends his money on via the Chase account he has.

He said he is NOT going back to treatment. So for now I have to accept what is. I know he has 30 days of pain pills so after that maybe he will. Who knows.

 

[BusynMember]

Food is the easiest thing for them to get. He can't get food stamps? Even without them there are food pantries and shelters that have meals.

It's not a lot of money, but he can save it up because he wont need to buy food. Then I suspect he will start asking for more money because you give an inch, they demand a mile and nag and nag and nag.

They need to really be motivated to quit. Their body craves the drug. They feel sick without it. They really need to hit the bottom.

Hugs and hoping for the best. But if he doesn't want treatment, well, that says it all...so sorry.

 

[RN0441]

SWOT

I was just talking to my coworker about my son. She has been with me through the entire five years of this so knows everything.

She said it's not like he's so addicted he can't go months and months without anything. True, that is how it has been for five years. More OFF than ON but not doing anything productive when he's OFF.

Yet right now that he was able to get the pain killers started him right back on the path of destruction and poor choices. I know that fact alone means he's an addict and has an addictive personality.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Not to be cheeky, but if he got 30 pills I would take bets that they are gone. Addicts have no regulation.

I'm glad about the condo. I just thought of that because knowing the thought process of the addict I can totally see them thinking, "They won't help me I will just go to their place and stay. They won't have me arrested for breaking in."

Is he still on your insurance? I know with ACA it covers them until they are what? 25? If he is I would drop him from your coverage. He will use it to ER hop or doctor shop to get drugs.

I he does, actually, have a medical emergency no ER can refuse him treatment based on lack of insurance.

Are you sure that he has sent long periods of time clean? Or is it the part of the cycle where he is able to hide or manage addiction. I watched it with my sister so many times. At 1st, she is able to hide it. Eventually it spirals out of control and she can't hide it and/or can't get it together enough to be bothered.

 

[RN0441]

They may be gone. I hope they are.

Yes he is on our insurance and for now we are letting him stay on it in hopes he will go back to rehab. He can stay on it until he is 26. We have discussed this. Time will tell how we move forward with that but usually after one of his using episodes he does know he needs to get straightened out. Just want him to get straightened out for good.

Yes I am positive he was clean at home most of the time. He cannot, in any way, shape or form, hide it. He did not leave the house much. I say that with as much certainty as I'm sitting here. There is such a huge difference in his personality. It's nothing subtle. His eyes are a dead giveaway. Plus he wouldn't get a little high, he goes full throttle. Maybe that's why he can't hide it?

If he had been like this all the time he would have been out of the house the minute he turned 18.

He has been clean since March while being in rehab except for 3 instances when he wasn't including this one but now he says he's done with it. I guess we hoped that the more time clean that he would see it's not so bad. Everyone is different. I don't know.

 

[Kathy813]

RN, there were periods of time when I would have sworn my daughter was clean and sober when she was living with us. It turns out that she was always drinking/using. I remember cleaning out her car when we were going to take it to her in Florida after her three month stay in rehab. My husband lifted up the carpet in the trunk of the car to find probably one hundred empty beer cans in the spare tire wheel well. Whoever would have thought to look there.

I remember talking on the phone with her and telling her that her father was cleaning out her car and she said, "you may find some surprises." She wasn't kidding.

Addicts build up large tolerances to drugs. My daughter was using 3 "bars" of xanax a day and you couldn't even tell she was on anything. I took 1/4 of a bar of xanax that I had left from out-patient surgery before a flight and I couldn't even walk in a straight line because it made me so loopy.

Chances are there was more going on then you were aware of.

Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Maybe some day I will find out differently as you say. I pray for the day when he is sober for good and can confess it all!

 

[mof]

Be careful what you wish for. I hear bits and pieces... And I don't want to know... Lol on the beer cans, same thing happened to a friend of mine. Seriously you'd think it would be easier to chuck in a dumpster!

 

[BusynMember]

I thought my daighter was clean and sober too. They can be very good at hiding it. Could be your son reacts worse to certain drugs than others. I never could tell when my daughter was high. The story she told me after she quit truly shocked me. None of us really know. Not to be pessimistic, but he has probably always used and knew how to hide it. I hope he quits for good.

 

[jetsam]

RN yes I agree that our Difficult Child have this sense of entitlement. But I really believe it is a combination of the drug use and some kind of mental illness (in my sons case ADHD but nothing else was ever diagnosed) There are common threads I see with this. I go to a NARANON group and the parents of drug addicted children/adults will all voice the same thing that their child suffered from ADHD or some other mental illness. I just feel there is a correlation between the 2. You and your husband are so strong and on the same page which is great! Keep on keeping on. hugs from here

 

[GoingNorth]

I was diagnosed with my mess at 44 yrs of age, with a strong hereditary pattern of both bipolar on one side of the family and autism.

However, when I first sought the help of a psychiatrist, I was 2x diagnosed as having ADHD and severe depression and medicated for those. Needless to say, that was not pretty.

During the family study, which involved a multi-disciplinary evaluation, I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism and bipolar disorder, which fit as my late father and my sister were BiPolar (BP), my mother, her brother and her father were all on the spectrum, and all of us, myself included, possessed of scary high IQs. Most of our difficulies from the autism are social, though I have a Learning Disability (LD) in math, my mother cannot learn PCs, though was a mainframe goddess, my uncle was part of the programming team that built the software the made the moon launch happen, and my grandfather was a brilliant rabbi and religious scholar (and a complete arsehole.)

I've also used marijuana. Quite heavily for a couple of years in my mid-teens. I feel it made my social issues worse, but do not feel it made or cause autistic sx to "come out". The reason is aggravated my social issues is that I'm one of the small percentage of people for who mj causes anxiety and paranoia.

 

[RN0441]

Had a good session with therapist last night. Talked about millennials and their sense of entitlement etc. She sees that son really expects us to rescue him and take care of him - still - at 21. That is why we had to do what we are doing or nothing would change. We always pushed him to do for himself but he never did...like many parents here.

Husband was texting with son yesterday. He may stay with girlfriend grandmother who lives next door to girlfriend and mother. That is a surprise. He has a second interview at Publix Monday with the store manager. Husband feels son is sober right now. Who knows maybe he'll get this job and go to meetings and turn this around. If he does use then he knows she won't put up with it and he'll be homeless. At the very least, he sees now that we have no intention of rescuing him.

He told husband he is tired and hungry and needs a shower. Maybe he will learn to appreciate things more after this experience.

 

[mof]

He is so fortunate on so many levels. This experience may humble him...maybe he will realize that using is not beneficial. He does not sound like a heavy user...knows medications make him feel better in short term...but hopefully will get ones he can stick too.

So happy you were as to have a good session.

May hugs

 

[Kathy813]

Good news, RN. Remember this for the future . . . you didn't help him and he has found a place to stay and a job (hopefully) on his own.

Our kids are remarkably resourceful when they have to be.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

I do feel a bit better today.

I am always looking for the silver lining. It is all that keeps me going.

Thanks for your support.

 

[ColleenB]

Glad you are feeling better.... Hugs

 

[Albatross]

I'm glad you are feeling better, RN, and glad that he has a place to stay. I am sure that is a weight off your heart.

He is learning from this, and finding his own way. I remember Leafy once told me her mantra in the morning is, "They are finding their way...IN THEIR OWN WAY."

Their way sure doesn't look like progress sometimes! But I think the more we can stand back and let life teach its lessons, the better they (and we) are for it.

 

[RN0441]

Son texted husband that he was at church yesterday with girlfriend. And the walls came tumbeling down...lol.
I am happy to see this and I know it was meant for me to see.
It would be great if he really gets something out of it and isn't just taking up space.
I keep waiting for his "aha" moment.
I still have him blocked from my phone but husband is in touch.
I am numb to all of it. I know he isn't in any type of therapy now but not sure if it did anything anyway. He just had six months of it.
One day at a time as they say.