Relapse again

[RN0441]

Son got job today at Publix. He starts Saturday. He passed the drug test. It's a really good company. They even pay for college. Non union.
He found some rooms to rent in homes today on Craigslist with access to kitchen and bathroom near the new job.

Husband said he'd pay half the rent to help him. If he screws up he's homeless.

I still have him blocked and I feel that's the right thing to do. Trying to stay neutral emotionally for my own well being.

This is the first time he's ever done so much for himself. Praying he gets it right this time.

 

[worried sick mother]

Wow RN this all sounds great church and a job, God is the absolute best therapist and I pray he takes hold of your sons life.

 

[BusynMember]

This only happens when you back off and stop of thinking of them as children who cant.
They are adults who CAN. Yes, 21 is an adult.
I don't know why your husband won't trust your son enough to let him take care of his own rent. Your husband needs to learn to see him as an adult who no longer needs his help. He seems very capable...when he has to be. Is the rent too much?

Kudos to your son! He is on his way! Try to let him do this all alone. That will in my opinion empower him greatly. Maybe he can find a cheap place and hub can help him with rent before Son gets his first paycheck. After that...maybe Son can pay?

 

[Albatross]

Wow, that's great news, RN! Good for him!

Publix IS a good company. I've been trying to get hired there and they never call me back. Tell your son to give me a reference

 

[RN0441]

SWOT
I am sure we'll have to pay first month's rent because he won't have check for at least 2 weeks.
I am not sure how many hours he will get initially so not sure he would really be able to afford it on his own.
I am not sure what husband plans to do long term, he is just happy something is moving in the right direction.
My husband is very frugal so the fact that he'll do much at all is a bit of a surprise.
I am not as optimistic about any of this. He is not going to meetings and doing the things that people that use do to stay clean.
That is a concern for me.
Some stability would be nice though.

 

[RN0441]

Albie
He has red hair, braces and glasses so kind of looks like Opie Taylor (with braces and glasses). Can you pull that off?

 

[BusynMember]

RN, I wish him luck. Although this is apparently rare, my daughter never went to a rehab or a meeting. So you never know. They do it their way.

Keep the Faith. This is definitely him acting mature and moving on the right track. His board auntie (me) is proud of him! And he sounds adorable

 

[mof]

I agree...recovery looks different for everyone. My son's clinical death and his mental illness medications makes him the person he wants to be. He says all the time...I don't do drugs because I choose not to.

Publix is great...we can walk to ours! It as you know..we are happy with his job at Target too.

All good moving forward.....

 

[WorriedFriend]

Great news on your son's progress! As I read through your post over the last several days I'm absolutely amazed at your strength.
I sure wish my friend could/would read your story. She's been dealing with her drug addicted son for over 16 years now. He blows so much smoke in her face and every time she believes him and believes he has truly changed, so she gives in and gives him what he wants only to find out it was all a scam.
She may tell him "no" but he knows that her "no" is only temporary.
Even at age 32 with a wife and child he has NEVER worked to support his family. He lives off the system and his mother's handouts. I can only hope and pray that one day my friend with have the same courage, strength, and determination that you have demonstrated with your son!

May God bless and comfort you!

 

[RN0441]

Thanks Worried.

I'm not really strong, just tired and trying to take care of MYSELF.

I do not want to be that mom with a son behaving like that at that age. GOOD LORD!! I think I'd have a very distant relationship if that were the case.

I want to enjoy the rest of MY life with my husband. When we become mothers we forget what it's like to be selfish. I'm working on being a bit selfish again I guess. LOL.

Have your friend read the posts on this site. That is what got me to the point I'm at right now.

 

[WorriedFriend]

There's no shame in caring for yourself that's for sure. YES, YOU ARE STRONG!!!!

I have no way of letting my friend know about this site. She and I had a heated discussion about her son 6 weeks ago and she hasn't spoken to me since. She has cut out all of our mutual friends as well because she thinks we are all against her son.

Problem is, her son is addicted to drugs and she's addicted to him. I think both will have to hit rock bottom before either changes. She's had so many people try to talk to her about how she's hurting him by not letting him fail, but she refuses to listen.

I pray daily for them both and I know that my God is able!

 

[RN0441]

So my son found a place to live yesterday. He moves in today.

It's an apartment that is rented by a 40 something year old woman (he says that's her age but he thinks we're ancient so she could be younger) with a big dog and he is renting a furnished room and gets his own bathroom and use of the rest of the apartment and laundry facilities.

He really likes the lady and the dog. Says both are very nice.

It is in Boca Raton which is about 2 miles from his new job there - starts the job Saturday.

It is also close to the community college that he wants to go to. So if car broke down it would be easy to get to both. This is good.

So things are good. Except my mind goes:

1. I hope she isn't going to be a Mrs. Robinson (well you never know)
2. Does she do drugs?
3. Does she drink, have pills laying around etc.

My husband told me to STOP and just be glad he found a place. He has gotten on track many times only to go off the grid. He has never done this before - found his own place to live etc. We are paying first month's rent and will supplement as long as he's doing what he's supposed to do. I had so many people praying for him. I'm hoping this will be a turning point for him but I am scared!

 

[mof]

I'm learning the fear never leaves...it's how we handle it.

Right now all is good for him! I'd be glad he 's not all alone...that would be bad for ours. Your hubby will see him soon...so positive all the way around.

So today..breathe and enjoy this milestone.

 

[RN0441]

Husband just called. Son is already in there. The lady is even buying a new shower curtain for him. I guess the one now is kind of feminine.

He said he will cook now because he has full run of the apartment too. We have been on him about cooking rather than fast food and he now said he feels comfortable.

She is okay with him having Anna over too. Husband said it seems like she is doing a lot for him. He has sent pictures of the place that I will see tonight.

Maybe she is literally a Godsend. I am having a glass of wine tonight!

 

[AppleCori]

Just a thought on the college stuff....

Many of us have found it better to make our D C take out college loans, at least for the first 1-2 years with the stipulation that we will pay the loan if D C gets a minimum grade (B or higher, whatever you choose). That way, our money is not wasted on more D C con games.

 

[RN0441]

Apple
Yes I am thinking of this too. Also his employer does pay for college but I'm sure there are stipulations.

 

[mof]

Have a glass for for me too.

We want our son to get some kind of degree too...but I am no longer going to figure it out for him. If he can pass classes while on heroine...He can figure out he can't live on his own while working part time..one day at a time and all that.

 

[BusynMember]

When my daughter got clean she got a loan for her college and became a pastry chef and also won awards and she also taught a class at the college. She was on TV to show how to make pastries that look just like champagne glasses. She became a caterer. Fact is, anything she cooks is scrumptious. She made good money and worked hard.

She got a few grants too. Did much for her pride and chatater. It was a two year community college so she has long since paid it off without any help.

We all bawled when she wore that graduation gown. She'd grown up.

I think less is more. The less we do for them, the more they do for themselves. Paying for them says,"poor thing. You can't do it so I will help." I don't feel it is empowering. Or helpful.

 

[RN0441]

You are so right SWOT. It's hard to break old habits but we are sure trying hard.

If I ever saw my Difficult Child in a graduation cap and gown I would be on the floor bawling!

He was at an alternative school for junior and senior year of high school and would not participate in the ceremony. Graduated by the SKIN of his teeth and he is smart but he was so messed up at that time on drugs.

 

[BusynMember]

Every time we tell our grown children, "we will pay and help you out" the unspoken words are "because you cant." It may seem compassionate of us, but it's not. It makes us, the parents, feel less guilty. It helps our adult men aND woman not one bit. No matter how much they whine and manipulate.

My daughter was deep into drugs by fourteen. But she could do school on drugs. She graduated and went to Cosmetology School while she used drugs, bad drugs. She passed her cosmetology certificate on drugs and is gifted with hair too, but cooking is her passion.

Everyone but us knew she was snorting coke and meth while in beauty school. The Dean even called us concerned but we did not believe it. She was always a functional coke and meth user, if there is such thing. But the truth was, she was killing herself even while being able to do school. She looked like a skeleton woth blotchy skin...meth signs.

When I saw her in cap and gown after graduating from her two year college, I cried like a baby. And she did it herself. All herself. And at that time she was glowing, healthy and very sober.

I think her realizing that she could do college alone really, really helped her become an adult, rather than an adult in age only. I think we have to let them go, and then, when they realize we have, they do help themselves more than if we keep "giving them help and a fresh start" they get lazy and waste our efforts. That tenth fresh start is more money we waste and does not lead to success. Success is hard.

Less is more. Good luck