Hi WS, it is a tough, heartbreaking road we are all on. If anything, if I can share my story, and it helps just one person, then there is some sort of meaning to it, you know?
I really appreciate your caring to share your heartbreak, it is a strange thing to know that others are dealing with this heartache and such a sad thing that somehow it helps to know others are traveling the same road, and yet horrible and would not wish this on your worst enemy.
I thank you for your kind words. Yes, we share a strange connection and brotherhood, sisterhood, here. It really helps to be able to vent and share in this place, the others that are here, on the same journey, but a different timeline of events and experiences, are very kind and helpful.
I am convinced that the correct path to take are the advise above of distance and staying away from trying to fix anything but giving love, supportive talk and advice only at a distance.
I am glad that you are feeling this way. It helps to understand the nature of the beast WS. What we are dealing with, our adult children on meth, they are different in their thought processes with this drug. That does not mean there is not hope for them. It means at this stage in their lives, we are not able to help them financially, it will be wasted on drugs. The kindest, most loving thing we can do, is let them develop their wings. It is counter intuitive. We want to rush in to help. I liken it to when they were young children, and fell, but weren't hurt. Our first instinct is to rush over and pick them up, when truly, if we teach children to get up, brush themselves off and keep playing, we have done them a great service. Instilling strength in our children is important.
We won't be around forever to rescue our adult children. They need to recognize their choices are their downfall, and they must choose differently. This is up to them.
I just need to remind myself of this all the time, it doesn't want to sink into and stay in my head, I seem to have to pause take a breath and just remind myself what my course of action is every time I come into contact with her, like breaking the prior programmed actions code in my head.
This article is very helpful, I read it all the time to remind myself.
Article on detachment
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/
It is a matter of retraining our patterns and responses. To let go and let God. It helps me to say a quick prayer about my two. If I have faith in God, then I can trust that He will watch over them.
Maybe with time it will become second nature, but I don't think I will ever not feel the sorrow in what could have been, she was such a bright, loving girl and now you are right, I don't even know her anymore, like a stranger who makes horrible choices that bring death and destruction to any dreams she or I had for her.
I have felt the same, it is very distressing this path our d cs are on. I have been introduced to Viktor Frankl here, he was a holocaust survivor and a renowned neurologist and psychiatrist. Here is a quote that gives me hope for my two, and actually has helped me to look at this dark time in their lives in a different way
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
―
Viktor E. Frankl,
Man's Search for Meaning
So, in other words, we can still visualize our d cs potentiality, and speak to them of it. It is part of detachment, actually. I will not be discussing drugs, or rehab with my two, it only causes negativity. They already know of these things.
I will keep my conversations short with them, tell them I love them and that they are very talented unique individuals who have potential for a great future.
BOOM!
So, rather then focus on the degradation and suffering, which makes me ill and stressed.
I will focus on the fact that life and circumstance is constant change. I will project that in my speaking to and of my d c's.
I am just thinking again on this now. You have helped me remember this, thank you.
We go on because we have no choice but to go on, strangely taking strength from others who are on the same path and sharing our victories and misery... to cope with this loss and pain. thank you all for your support in the war God is Good! marc
Yes, truly, God is good.
I just love Maya Angelou.
She suffered much in her life, but came out of the fire, to teach others.
Love liberates. We are not chained to our d cs lifestyle choice. We are not obligated to take them in. Rather liberate them with love, and show them by our stance, that they are perfectly capable of making right decisions.
This does not happen for them under our wings.
They are passed that point. We parented them, raised them. Even if we did not, and they lived apart from us, they are adults.
They must understand and learn their responsibility and duty to love themselves.
I believe as Maya did, that words are powerful, so if we are careful with our words with our d cs, with our loved ones, maybe we can gently steer them to a different course.
It is certainly worth a try.
“Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don’t do that. Some day we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally in to you.”
So, while we are aware of what our d cs are doing, we can let them know that we have hope for them to live a purposeful, meaningful life.
I will be working on this too, WS.
There has to be some point where we can go on and live our purposeful live, even in the face of this.
Peace to you and yours
(((HUGS)))
leafy
