Sad in Florida with question about Christmas

[Sad in Florida]

My 44 y/o son hasn't spoke to us for 2 weeks since we wouldn't get him housing after breaking up with his girlfriend he lived with for 4 years. He mistreated her all the time and on our last converstaion said we weren't a f---in family and hung up.
I had already got him a Christmas present and was going to give him a gift card too, but don't want to give him anything now. He has no respect for us and I am sure will be crying at end of month when reality hits and he has to leave their house. Most gifts he could sell or trade and money isn't something I would give him at all. Should I just ignore Christmas at this point and return the gifts? He did this exact same scenario last Christmas.

 

[BusynMember]

If you get him anything, get him something he CAN'T sell for drugs. Don't feel guilty. He has been doing this for a long time and needs to grow up, but you can't force it. Limit your contact with him, especially when he gets mad because he realizes he is grown up and doesn't have a "mommy" anymore, but rather a Mother who wants him to evolve into a man his age.

I wouldn't invite him to your Christmas. Won't he ruin it for everyone?

 

[Childofmine]

SIF, I think when it gets to this point for all of us that we have to change the way we look at the situation. We have to get a new perspective. This is not about you. This is about him. He is 44 years old and a grown man. It is up to him to build his life or not build it.

As you think about this, can you say to yourself---what do I want to do? What is good for me here?

If you want to give him a gift or two or three, give the gifts you want to give. Let go of any attachment to any outcome regarding the gifts. If he sells them, throws them in a dumpster or uses them thankfully for the next year, that is on him. That is not on you. Gain the pleasure of giving for yourself.

If you are tired of giving with the way he is acting, that is perfectly good as well. Take the gifts back and treat yourself to a massage and a nice lunch out. Or give the gifts to someone else. Or give the gifts or money in his name to a worthy charity.

Take back your emotional power. And then, if he calls back, work to be firm and kind and stand your ground. As they say in alanon, say what you mean but don't say it mean.

You are worth this. You are worth doing something new here that gives you the dignity and purpose we all seek.

Let's separate ourselves from them and what they say or do. This is our holiday season too and we have a right to create a season of peace and contentment for ourselves regardless of what anybody else says or does.

Warm hugs today. This takes practice so don't expect overnight results or a warm happy feeling right now. Just changing this one thing in this way is healthy and good and a first step.

 

[New Leaf]

He has no respect for us and I am sure will be crying at end of month when reality hits and he has to leave their house. Most gifts he could sell or trade and money isn't something I would give him at all. Should I just ignore Christmas at this point and return the gifts? He did this exact same scenario last Christmas.

I don't know if I should answer this cause
I am feeling kind of bah humbuggy over the whole consumer push to buy, buy, buy.
Okay I will answer.
I would return the gifts.
Maybe save one.
I know other folks have given practical things, a warm coat or such.
Giving should be a pleasure, not an expectation of another.
Swearing and disrespect of ones parents is unacceptable.
Period.
If you are not a f....ing family, then what does he expect of you?
You are not family because you will not fund his lifestyle anymore?
He is 44, I know some 44 year olds who are caring for their elderly parents, Sad.
I do not want to offend you Sad, but your son is a full grown man, behaving like a child throwing tantrums.
I say that because my d cs can be the same way.
It is abusive to us, and themselves actually.
I have done my child rearing and obligatory gift giving.
If my adult children do not respect me and treat me with loving kindness, so be it.
I am not a rug to be tread upon by someone
I gave my heart to all the years of raising them.

Heck, even my good kids will not get much, times are hard! We are focusing on enjoying a day off together, and sharing a meal.

Okay, nuff said, boy and I are going hiking to get our Charlie Brown Christmas tree!

Take care Sad, and focus on YOU.
Don't buy into the tantrums.
Our adult d cs need to learn to fend for themselves,
we will not be around forever to do it.
By giving him his wings, you have already given him the best gift ever.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Tanya M]

I'm so sorry for the pain you experiencing.

and on our last converstaion said we weren't a f---in family and hung up.

What an ugly thing for him to say. I too have been on the receiving end of such venomous words from my son.

For me, gift giving should bring joy to the person giving the gift. I give a gift because it makes me feel good to give. I lost that "good feeling" quite a few years ago with my son.

If it's bringing you pain then it's time to step back. It's okay to not give your 44 year old son a Christmas gift.

((HUGS)) to you.................

 

[SeaGenieTx]

I am not getting my 23 year old son anything, not after the way he has acted his year. The horrible things he said to me and all the times he has hung up on me - not a chance in hell. My kid treated me like $%# this year and kicking him out hasn't seemed to have any effect on him yet as his friends are coming to his rescue. Its just party time and mom is delusional and psycho (his exact words). I'm buying myself presents and will get through Xmas without him. Ive detached and not letting my guard down, he really pissed me off for good.

 

[Nomad]

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. I went to a NAMI mtg. one time and there was a couple in their late 70s there talking about their son in his 40s who was causing them so e major difficulties and it broke my heart. I realized then that I had to detach from our daughter as much as humanly possible. I don't know if it is possible in your case, but we got our daughter on disability. She saw a doctor regularly for years and the doctor was happy to write a letter recommending this.
This money is used to put a roof over her head.
She has bipolar disorder and even with medications, she has mood swings.
Don't know if that is part of your son's situation.
I think in the case of our daughter, we've been fortunate that she doesn't do drugs and very rarely will drink.
It's been hard to figure out if she could do better with certain things.
One gets the impression your son has not made a good effort because his attitude is so poor.
Probably best you detach significantly. If there is some hope for a medical state disability and he is willing to cooperate, I would consider if he is civil, helping him get to a doctor and filing out the paperwork to apply. But, truthfully...all of that is sort of a long shot.
Again, I'm sorry...sounds like heck. Take extra good care of yourselves and read everything you can get your hands on re detachment, consider attending at least one Family Anonymous mtg. as well.

 

[Acacia]

He has no respect for us and I am sure will be crying at end of month when reality hits and he has to leave their house. Most gifts he could sell or trade and money isn't something I would give him at all. Should I just ignore Christmas at this point and return the gifts? He did this exact same scenario last Christmas.[/QUOTE]

I so am where you are. My 30 year old son has managed to miss or ruin Christmas many times with his blaming and disrespect. The holidays make it more difficult as well as my picturing him as the child he was and the wonderful Christmases that we had. When I do that, I try to come back to reality because the truth is that he is a grown man now who continues to choose to do things his way and shows little concern for the pain and abuse he causes our family. He just sent me a card from prison asking when I am going to put his Christmas $ on his account. I probably will, which is an indication of the work I still need to do, but I am choosing not to beat myself about it. I, at least, can be compassionate to myself as I work to become stronger. One thing I am working on is caring about myself as much as I care about my son. I don't think my son spends much energy thinking about doing anything for me, only about what he needs to do to keep me hooked in. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Tanya M]

He just sent me a card from prison asking when I am going to put his Christmas $ on his account. I probably will, which is an indication of the work I still need to do

I'm glad that you see this is an area you need to work on. One thing you can do is start to wean him off of the money on his books. You can tell him something like: I will send money for Christmas and your birthday.

but I am choosing not to beat myself about it. I, at least, can be compassionate to myself as I work to become stronger. One thing I am working on is caring about myself as much as I care about my son.

This is great!! I'm glad you are caring for yourself. You deserve it.