Same old stuff...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted about my DGDs for quite some time. Not because things were improving, but because, for the most part, they were not living in my house so I can didn't have to deal with it! But that has changed.

    21yo is back home. It's been a rough year. She's lived (or couch surfed) 6 different places. Plus, she's had three major injuries this year. In February, she fell on some icy steps and hurt her back. She broke off the spinous process of a thoracic vertebrae. It's not s serious injury but was very painful for 6 weeks. In April, she was riding a friends horse, it got spooked, through her off, and she landed down an 8ft deep concrete drainage ditch. She suffered a small brain bleed and was in ICU for several days. Then moved back home to recuperate. She was here 3 days, then went back to couch surfing.

    Two weekend ago, she was at the lake and was on an inflatable device pulled by a boat. She ended up with a knee injury with tears of 3 ligaments/tendons. She had worked about 10 days at a new job as a waitress. She was actually making good money! Now this.

    We had applied for SS disability after the head injury... But her disability is more mental than physical. Her bipolar (diagnosis at beginning of this year, but I've known for years) is really what affects her jobs and relationships. She is so impulsive! And moody, angry, :censored2:y. Then when things are going well, she has all these grandiose ideas and plans.

    We had a packet of paperwork from SS about why she has difficulty working. We filled out 11 pages, for her 11 jobs. Each one she just walked away from. Plus the Marine fiasco that lasted 3 weeks. And the house sitting disaster last month.

    In January, she did see someone and was given samples of an expensive Rx. She was to take it for 3 weeks and check back. Well she took 3 pills in 6 weeks. Never went back. Plus, we found out that the 30 pills was over $1,300 a month and even with insurance was going to be over $500 a month! Not possible!

    Filling out that form last night and admitting that her brain doesn't work right, that she can't remember things, even things she wants to do, and that her moods have cost her most of her friends and relationships has really put her in to a depression.

    It may be bipolar, but we also went to a fetal alcohol clinic 4 years ago, and was told she was on the FASD spectrum. Her psychologist wasn't on board much with that diagnosis... But I think it is as big a problem as bipolar! And to have both is overwhelming.

    She is average IQ, actually at the top 13% for kids her age in 8th grade. But bottom 13% for memory and processing speed. Above high school level for general knowledge, but at second grade for math skills.

    Ok, I've written a book. I don't know if I'm just venting... Or if others have suggestions for Bipolar or FASD... I just know we need help! But I am the last person she will listen to.


    Ps... More on younger DGD with the substance abuse problems and manipulative boyfriend (off and on for 5 years!)
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi! You are dealing with a lot there. My DC2 self diagnosed with bipolar and then convinced her therapist and psychiatrist that it was so and got medications for it. An anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. One of those pills was supposed to be $1000 a month (Latuda) and she didn't like how she felt on it and quit.

    The disease of alcoholism (whether the bodily part of an allergy to alcohol is present or not) plays out as restlessness, discontentedness, and irritability and I see this present in my DC1 more than any diagnosis I have ever heard. The treatment, of course, are the 12 steps, a spiritual remedy for a spiritual malady, but my Difficult Child does not have an addiction problem other than cutting and bingeing.

    I have seen good videos of young bipolar patients on YouTube who manage their illness extremely well with medication and life management skills but this implies the patient wants help and will actively participate in managing the disease. Therapy of course is another given in this equation to help with emotional regulation .

    I have researched and read so much over the years when it should be my Difficult Child who figures out how to help herself.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I went to AA for awhile. I am not an alcoholic but I identified with the people there, felt comfortable in the group and learned a lot. There was a young woman in the group. She is about 40. Her life was screwed up in all manner of ways. She was a drug addict, alcoholic, bipolar, a prostitute. And that was just the start of it. Then she had a near fatal car accident and became profoundly disabled.

    Long story short. She loves her life NOW. She is married, she has a 7 year old child, she is filled with gratitude. She accepts her disabilities and everything else in her life, as necessary elements on her path, to bring her to her love of her life now.

    This woman posts a lot on Facebook and on an hour to hour basis I am able to see how she is responding to and handling her life challenges. She is extremely open about her challenges, her moods, and her thinking. All of the wildness, the volatility, the impulsivity and the drama is still there. But she's different. It's inspiring.

    I have been studying my faith a lot. And I am reading something similar. That each of us is in exactly the place that we need to be to learn the lessons that we need to learn. That there is no better or worse spot to be in. That we may aspire to be rich or thin or successful (or not) but these are NOT what is going to make life easier or better for us. I don't know if I buy it (yet) but I'm getting there.

    It sounds like your granddaughter is growing in her acceptance of her limitations and is accepting more your support and counsel. If that is the case, that is a huge deal. All of these obstacles and injuries she has experienced seemed to have calmed her some, and stopped her in her tracks, as no other thing could have.

    I am consulting somebody to learn a spiritual orientation. I spoke for nearly an hour about my sadness and worry about my son. At the end of the time, the man said, you have no control here in these stories. Where you have control is in you. I have a new story for you, a simple story. The new story is this: What would it be, to be a spiritual practitioner, to serve G-d?

    You see, with all of these travails our children experience, we have no position, no role. We are passive.

    In my experience with my son (bipolar diagnosis, two brain injuries, chronic hep B he acquired at birth, prenatal drug exposure, abandonment as an infant, marijuana dependence, etc.) there is NOTHING I can do. It's like plagues keep coming at me and I am helpless. Every single thing I suggest or try to put into effect, he either bats down or life does it for him.

    I recognize that most people would not feel as desperate and helpless over their children as I do to come to a spiritual conversion. But sometimes we have to lay down our arms, and sit down on the ground, where we are. And that is the strongest, most stable position. Sometimes there is nothing to do, except to surrender to the recognition and reality that the solutions we can make, are very limited, but they can come. Not in our time. Not on our terms. Not what we thought or wanted. Meanwhile, all we can do is love them. Right where they (and we) are.

    My son is back with me in the other house. I am right here with you KSM. My goals are very, very circumscribed now. First and foremost, I want him to stay and I want him to get medical care. *Well, there's always the marijuana, but what can I say?

    Guess what? Yesterday M told me that my son told him how he wants to try to get his driver's license back. (It was taken either because of the first brain injury or a psychiatric hospitalization, I'm not sure.)

    I guess what I am trying to accept is that I don't make trees grow. Just because there's one in my yard, doesn't mean I'm responsible *or able to make it grow. I have a limited role. If it grows, I can have gratitude. And wonder.

    I am seeing that the only thing really in my sphere of control is my mindset. But that is a lot.

    I am glad you posted KSM. Thank you.
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I agree that spirituality is the answer for the kind of pain we experience. We only have control over ourselves- our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. That's it! Everything else I am powerless over: people , places and things. This is Step 1 in Al-Anon. Being powerless and seeing that my life becomes unmanageable when I focus on anything outside of me and want to change it .I have to accept what I cannot change which is everything but me.

    Step 3 talks about the surrender to our Higher Power. We turn our will (our thoughts and our feelings) and our life (actions). We become God's messengers, and follow his/her/its guidance in all of our affairs.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I've been going to AlAnon for over two years. It is a helpful program.