Seeing the Paths of our Difficult Children in a Positive Light

[Nancy]

New Leaf, please accept me at my word when I say you did not offend or hurt me. One of the responsibilities of a mod is to try to make sure things do not get blown out of proportion or comments made about others do not start an us against them attitude. It is not always easy to be a mod, we sometimes have to say things that others may take the wrong way but we have the experience and input from years being on this board to know what can happen, how things can and do get blown out of proportion.

I am probably one of the most sensitive people in the world. It has been a challenge for me, it has stood in the way of relationships over the years. I had to work very hard to conquer that and while I am doing much better I still find it a problem at times. I would never knowingly say something that hurt someone else. My daughter is the same way, it is like looking into a mirror. I wish with all my might that I could change that for her because I see her struggling like I did for so many years. I see people turn away from her at times because they are always having to explain themselves and they can't just have an easy relationship. But I can't fix that for her, she has to do it herself. She has a tendency to take every sentence someone says and analyse it and that drives people away.

I try to explain it to her like this, when you were a child and did something wrong I corrected you. It did not mean I didn't love you anymore. When your gymnastics coach corrected your routines it didn't mean you weren't a very talented gymnast, he was trying to make you better. If your teacher reprimands you in class for talking it doesn't mean she doesn't like you anymore. I hate that I passed that down to her but her sensitivity also makes her the wonderful person that she is.

My point is that I made a mistake in how I worded something and I have apologized for that. I will repeat though that if there is a problem with what a mod has said that mod should be addressed and not have the conversation come up again in another thread and have people analyze and discuss it. That only causes hurt and continues the misunderstanding. We have seen cliques on this board over the years and that can tear apart the board very quickly. I would hate to see any of that happen by people taking sides. Like you say we are all in this together.

We all make mistakes and say things that we perhaps did not intend to come out that way. The mods are no exception. We all have to be aware of that and move on. I can't tell you the number of times that text messages have been taken wrong and out of context with people I have texted with.

I hope I have explained my feelings to you and have not offended you. I honestly hope this puts it to rest because I am not offended or hurt. I hope we can all move on.

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Nancy, yes, lets do move on.

leafy

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Leafy, oh my gosh I read his book years ago and was just fascinated by him. Great post!

During all my tragedies and loss no one ran to help or enable me, I figured out my own way to survive and worked thru my issues alone by reading great books by Frankl, Les Brown, etc. I raised my son completely alone with no help from anyone, coped with the deaths of my husband, parents and two older brothers, and I survived just fine. I hope my son has my survival skills and that his struggles will make him a more humble and loving human being.

I am proud of the fact I have overcome some pretty horrible experiences and have remained resilient and strong. Being independent and relying on no one but myself has saved my life many times. Great post!

 

[New Leaf]

Oh there you are Sea! Good to see you posting here.

During all my tragedies and loss no one ran to help or enable me, I figured out my own way to survive and worked thru my issues alone by reading great books by Frankl, Les Brown, etc. I raised my son completely alone with no help from anyone, coped with the deaths of my husband, parents and two older brothers, and I survived just fine. I hope my son has my survival skills and that his struggles will make him a more humble and loving human being.

You have the spark Sea, we all do. I think the size of our spark is different, depending on our situation, and we need to nurture it. Whether or not we recognize it, and see it in others, is important. That is why I posted it here. So much misery and tears. I have been there, just awfullizing about my two, my three grands.

Prayers help, but I love the idea that we can envision our Gifts from God (d cs) in a better light. See their potentiality, and speak of it to them.

The talk of addiction, drugs, rehab, must just sound like the Charlie Brown teacher-"wah,wah,wah,wah,wah."

What if we said positive things? Changed the channel so to speak, with them.

"I love you so much, you have a bright future ahead of you, I believe you will find your purpose."

I am proud of the fact I have overcome some pretty horrible experiences and have remained resilient and strong. Being independent and relying on no one but myself has saved my life many times. Great post!

I am glad to know you through CD, Sea. You are an amazing person, been through the blazing fire of life and come out strong and loving. I am sure, in spite of what your son has said, or is doing, that deep down inside, he knows this.

Thank you for liking the post and sharing your story.

I think we all have been through so much, it is good to think of different ways to deal with this challenge, ways to help us find our joy again, and to show our gifts from God (d cs), by our not only surviving, but living to the fullest, that they can, too.
I saw a clip from Facebook, a Sped Teacher made a practice every day, before the day was done, he would sit at the front of the class and tell his students good, kind things about themselves. He said the transformation was amazing. This group of kids with a multitude of different challenges, stopped teasing one another, started saying the nicest things to each other.

Positivity is affective. I am not talking about enabling and letting our adult kids come back to live with us. I am talking about changing the way we think about them, talk to them.

I want to live to the fullest and breathe, really breathe. Frankls talk, gives me a tool to do that.

Thank you Sea, thank you very much for checking in and sharing your remarkable resilience, and most of all, your incredible spark!

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SeaGenieTx]

That is a really good idea Leafy, I do need to change my thinking. I'm just stuck on the last image I have of him with hate in his eyes calling me names as he left. Hard to erase that. And what I can not understand is why he is treating me like this when I was the one who bailed him out of jail and tried helping him. He has never once said I'm sorry or please don't kick me out I screwed up and I will do better. No apologies or remorse whatsoever. I dunno - his anger scares me. I can't trust him and being around him he has been like a bomb waiting to go off. I guess its the drugs cause it sure isn't the happy go lucky kid he was in high school. Even the first time he went to jail he never showed remorse and blamed the cops, said jail was no big deal.

I am going to think positive, keep praying and go on with my life. Im focused on eating right and exercising, and making the best if the holidays. I won't make any attempts to contact him or find out where he is. This time will be different. Since he really showed me where he is at mentally and how he could care less about his mom, I have to completely detach and move on. I am going to tell myself he will come around eventually. Thank you Leafy - I have to totally change my mindset and think good thoughts to keep from getting depressed. I need u so I will be posting a lot thru the next several days just for support. Anyone else feel free to chime in! This sure isn't easy but I was in this exact same place this time last year so I realize I have to change my thinking and just get on with my life and not expect anything from him right now.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Sea, I think most of us have been where you are. You can count me in on that for several times over. I do hear what you are writing about. This is going to take a lot of work for me, too. I think it is worth a try.
The whole point of it is to shift focus from all of the intense feelings we go through with our d c's. Instead of riding their roller coaster, we create a steady state for ourselves. Thinking this way has started to make it better for me, day by day.

Everything seems to come in waxing and waning like the moon. The tides.
One day it's ok, the next the feelings come.

So, if we can focus to strengthen ourselves, the next encounter with our d c's, our response will be better. Until each time we'll be less and less drawn into or affected by the drama.
Instead of the mournful pleas of a distraught mama, begging for phone calls, text, etc. we will be strong. We will have practiced in our heads the vision. " You are beautiful, you have a bright future you can do this. I love you"
Attached to that is "No, you cannot stay here and I will not give you money. You can do this, be self sufficient. I love you."
I don't even have to mention drugs, or rehab. That just causes the scene and then I am sucked in. I am not saying this will work for everybody, but it's worth a try. It sure beats sitting at home wringing my hands worried and fretting over my two. If I give them and my grands to God and trust in Him, He will take care of the rest. If I do that,then worry myself silly, I have trust issues.
I want relief from all of this too, Sea, it's been too long. I am in the winter of my life, and I want to live as best I can.
You post any old time and I will answer as quick as I can. We are all in this together. Thank you for giving me strength with your convictions to stay the course.
You are the very one who knows life can throw some tough stuff at us. This has got to be one of the toughest, watching our adult kids hit the dirt hard with substance abuse.
I think it was Cedar who mentioned that Anthony Bourdain was once a heroin user. Now he is a world traveler. One never knows. There is always hope.

We will be okay Sea, we will get through this.
One day at a time
I'm going to eat better, too, I think I have a couple more channel crossings in me, God willing!

(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I guess its the drugs cause it sure isn't the happy go lucky kid he was in high school

My son changed too, and as far as I know there are no hard drugs.

He is my only child and I was a single Mom too. I think it is harder for male children to break away from single Mom's especially those who are only children. The are completely emotionally died in...and need to break away to mature and be men. They go 100 percent in the other direction so as to make it easier, and thereby fight their impulse to stay close in to their Mom's.

Of course we do not want Mama's boys. But this?

I won't make any attempts to contact him or find out where he is.

I know where mine is but I am going to tie down my hands to not call.

Anyone else feel free to chime in!

I will, SeaGenie.

COPA