shes' beginning to crack.......

[Jena]

Steely thanks.......

I think what i probably have to do also is find a quiet moment when i post in here. I'm usually in the middle of something or on a quick break from difficult child, or locked up in my room while she has a tutor. Yet i'm locked up and on phones with-doctors' tutors school etc.

so i race race through my posts to get it out, be done, etc.

as far as the rest goes.... to be honest i dont' present in person as I do here... i'm eager to always find solutions and yea maybe a magical answer.... it's been a rough year for me. So if my posts are all over the place in all honesty big deal. I've had alot going on. I know many others have had that as well. I guess their just better at coping. which is great for them. i thought of it better tonight, and said hmmmm i appreciate feedback yet i am who i am.

can always be a better me, yet in all honesty this is right now the one safe place i have to let it all go........

 

[pepperidge]

Jena,

I am sorry that I did not explain myself better. I find myself not wanting to post because I am afraid of offending you. I am finding it difficult to read all the time about the battles you are having with everyone everyday all day long and not want to say something about it. It is hard to believe all this confrontation is helping you or anyone else in your family. So rather than say things that I think might offend, I am trying not to post add to your troubles. It has nothing to do with the posts being chaotic or all that. I'm sorry that I wasn't more clear. I don't have the ability to make the observations that others have make in the compassionate manner that they do, and I am sorry for that.

 

[dashcat]

Jena,
I learned something about PE very early on: the posters here have - collectively - see it all. Many of them are lightyears further along in the healing and detaching process. They know whereof they speak.

You need to understand that, just like a true-blue friend, when the warrior parents of PE disagree with you, they are not going to pat you on the back and say "there, there" or "you're right". When the warrior parents of PE see something differently than you do in a post ...they are going to SPEAK UP.

I'm right there with the others who say they do not see the scenario you originally posted about as a sign that your daughter is "cracking". The advice you got about detachment for next time (and, with most of us, there's always a next time! is really good advice.

As with any advice, you can take it or not. In either case, it is probably a bad idea to get defensive, tell people who take the time to post to try to help you that they are "wrong" and then to pick apart what people are saying and pst about THAT.

I thought all the posters were well-intentioned and posted with the kind of honesty and caring that we ALL look for in an in real life friend. Please don't jump all over a couple of statements and then post long "I'm sorry, but...." type responses. If somone posts that they are ...sometimes ... reluctant to post on your threads, realize that she has taken the time to post THAT because she cares. Let it go.

The PE forum is not for the faint of heart. Most of the people here have been through hell and back. You can't BUY this kind of therapy! So keep posting, but be mindful of the fact that the Warrior Parents of PE are not the types to walk on eggshells. You will sometimes hear things you don't want to hear, but you will learn from every post you read.

Dash

 

[Jena]

I give UNCLE lol........ i'm cracking not easy child! lol sheesh ok i said it...........

now let's let this post die die far away in the pe forum it shall go.............. lol.

we all get it now especially me and my husband easy child is out there in another state having sex drinking insane and living life...... him and i sit here shaking our heads.

tmrw will be a fun day is all i gotta say!

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Jena and all,

I think like everything else detachment is a process... I don't think most of us go from being over involved to detached overnight. So I see you in that process.... you didn't give her what she wanted, you set some limits, you handled it well for where you are. You may get to the point where you are in the place where if she comes over and barges in that you will call the cops...calling the cops when you are not ready to follow through is not a good thing to do.

I remember well being in a place where i was so desperately worried about my difficult child and I had friends telling me I need to detach....these were friends whose kids were not really difficult children..... and I remember being very defensive and upset saying hey i am worried about my kid doing something that would cause him death, don't you see????

I am in a very different place now. I realize he may still do something that could kill him, he is doing better at the moment but that may not last.... but his choices are his choices and I can't control them or prevent them... and in fact my trying to do either of those things was not actually helping him.

So I am much further along on my way to really detaching.... and yet I am still not as detached as some are here. Again I think it is a process and not something any of us do overnight.

Jena I really think the best thing is to get really clear about your goals regarding your daughter. And these are not your goals for her.... but rather your goals for yourself. Then think in terms of those goals - are the things you are doing supporting those goals or not... as I have said before my goals with my son are 1) not enable his drug use and 2) let him know that I love and support him in recovery. And I guess I have a third goal which is to take care of myself and the rest of my family. So given those goals, I wont let him come and live a home (goal 3), I won't give him cash (goal 1) but I will have him over for dinner (goal 2), will help him get an apartment (goal 2), will not pay his monthly expenses (goal 1 and 3).

I think people can talk about detachment and tell you what you should do if you are detached.... I think that is a little off base because I think it may be different for every person. To me detachment is being clear on what you will and will not do, and not letting yourself being manipulated into what they want you to do, and to really take care of yourself in the process.

 

[Jena]

and this thread stays alive lol......

thanks for all you wrote...... glad you survived it. the one thing that is helping me lately is my mantra i don't want to be like my mom. She has treated like her possession for years. My mother has NEVER done a detatch from me. she judges me at every turn, she comments, nasty etc. has disowned me more than than i can remember. Shes rough.

i do not want to be her. at all ever. i dont' want to come in here when easy child is 20 something or 30 something still talking about her. i gave her life what she'll do with it is her decision truly. ill live my life. thing is right now i just 3 weeks ago was having her text me when she was going somewhere and now i have no clue where she is. that's a hard gear to shift into a different position for me and my husband both. he's just her stepdad and is struggling with it. i'm sure you know what i speak of.

our aim the therapists which was easy child's and mine is to get her home. she will not be a functional adult. she needs help is 17 on the verge of 18 tmrw and literally a mess like so many others teens out there. she knows in her heart just as we know the day will probably come where she will return in order to clean herself up, get straight. so yes our aim is just that and to detatch for our own sanity mine especially and to also show her the consequences of her behavior.

as far as adding to the drama with her, i've done great on run ins' with her to handle myself accordingly not engage as of late. i do this mostly for difficult child who is greatly affected. i'm trying to be more proactive as opposed to reactive with her right now. i am trying to think ahead a little, plan a little better, maybe lock that door when difficult child and i are home so that run ins' like the other night cant' occur. we lock our windows at night as well so she can sneak in.

sounds crazy yet it's what we gotta do. soo crazy i wake up and say hmm is this my life? LOL soo can't be. must be someone else's i got married 11 mos ago on a beautiful summer day my 5 kids all there. was a great day, party than all hell broke loose here!!

 

[DammitJanet]

Dash...I love you...LMAO! Yes we are tough old warrior parents over here. After living, and surviving the years of gfgdom into adulthood for some of us with more than one difficult child, well lets just say we have walked through the fire and come out the other side.

None of us want to hurt anyone's feelings but we do say things like we see them. I dont think anyone was smacking you down or whatever it was you said. But you asked for this post to be done with and like the fairy godmother I am going to grant your wish!