Tough Love

[amberc1971]

I love how you said, you are not abandoning but instead loving in a healthy way. I think as a mother, no matter the circumstance….you feel you are “abandoning” a child when these awful unfortunate situations arise, causing some sort of strain on the relationship resulting in disconnect. I think we then automatically associate that disconnect as abandonment which allows for misplaced guilt. It’s a Vicious cycle. Something I know I have to work on.

I hear that voice too and then I realize that I am not abandoning but loving in a healthy way. It helps me to think of the beautiful person inside as being held captive by addiction and illness. When I give in to the demands or manipulations, I am just giving strength to the things that keep my son sick. His only hope is to realize (if he ever will) that his current path is not safe or desirable. If I make it easier, he'll not see the true consequences of his choices. I also have to remind myself that he may not mind the hard consequences and that I'll be the one suffering for him unless I find a way to detach and let him rise and fall on his own. Tough stuff and I invite you to remind me I said this anytime I falter and share about it here. Doing the right things when it's the hardest thing you'll ever do means you're an amazing parent, in my humble opinion. Blessings!

I am going through it also. Recently had to give my 30 yr old daughter a 30 day notice to move out of my house after she has stolen from us. Repeatedly. I was a single mom and of course blame myself all the time. She has 4 children, one that i have guardianship. I can only keep 2, her husband who is just as toxic will not allow me to keep the two younger children. My daughter suffers from meth addiction and bipolar disorder. Although, I suspect she has dependency on many drugs, including her abusive husband. I feel terrible for everyone. I cry all the time, because I am scared of what will happen to her. But I can't allow her rages and addiction fueled behaviors to take over my life anymore.

 

[Crayola13]

I am going through it also. Recently had to give my 30 yr old daughter a 30 day notice to move out of my house after she has stolen from us. Repeatedly. I was a single mom and of course blame myself all the time. She has 4 children, one that i have guardianship. I can only keep 2, her husband who is just as toxic will not allow me to keep the two younger children. My daughter suffers from meth addiction and bipolar disorder. Although, I suspect she has dependency on many drugs, including her abusive husband. I feel terrible for everyone. I cry all the time, because I am scared of what will happen to her. But I can't allow her rages and addiction fueled behaviors to take over my life anymore.

I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t blame yourself for throwing her out. If there are children in the house with you, they could develop anxiety disorders and ptsd from your daughter’s behavior.

 

[susiestar]

I am not here as often as I used to be. I just read your posts today. I am so sorry that you have to live this struggle. Please, I beg you, give yourself a break. You did not cause your daughter to be this way. Some people are just born that way. You have always done the best you can for her. I know, for a fact, that you never once woke up and asked yourself "How can I screw up my kid the most today?". That question never occurred to you. You did the best you could for her. When you knew more, you did things differently. It is crystal clear how much you love her and how much you would do for her if you could and it would actually help her. It just shows every time you write about her. Cut yourself a break because you deserve one. Sure, you were not perfect, but nobody is. Even the parenting experts have bad days and do things they wish they hadn't done.

Let her manage her life. If she has a child, well, she is an adult and that is a choice she can make. It doesn't seem like a good choice, but hopefully those around her and her child will help her with resources. I know it is hard, but you have to let her go. Nothing you do is helping because her problems are so complex and there are so many emotions involved that you are not qualified to help her. I know that is hard to hear and realize. She needs to get to a place where she wants to change before anything will actually change. All you can do is try to keep an eye on her child and report her if the child needs help. Sadly, her child's birth won't be a joyous occasion for you. That isn't your fault.

You might consider seeing a psychologist. If for no other reason that to get a more in-depth understanding of her disorders. I don't know if she is a substance abuser or not. It isn't uncommon, which is why I mention it. Not only will therapy help you cope better and be more comfortable, it may even help you understand her a little better.

 

[Kimsco]

Thank you so much for responding. These last couple of days have been extra tough. She had a baby boy a few weeks ago…. And as you can imagine it’s eating me alive. It is killing me that I haven’t had the joy of meeting him, and holding him. … my first and only grandchild. Even more so it’s killing me that my relationship is at a zil with my only child (daughter) at this time and I fear for her future, but I know I can’t fix her or her situation. She did have substance issues in the past… not sure they are still there. Nothing heavy (as far as I know) she really liked marijuana but with her mental illness, it may have helped immediately, but exacerbated it over all. (If that makes any sense) plus our state legalized it, so I’m sure it makes it tougher to disengage in for her. Last I heard I am dead to her and she doesn’t want my parents, myself, any of my family who love her so much to even see pictures of him. There are weak moments like today, I just want to send her a text saying I love her, or miss her, or both…. But I also know that will open Pandora’s box, and will not be received well or go well. I don’t know what God has in store and have to trust it will all work out. I know I need therapy and am on their waiting list…it is obvious I need the counseling as I will just break down crying for no apparent reason at the most random times. I hurt beyond words, but if I had to find a silver lining, it has allowed me to really connect and empathize with many others who are going through/been through similar situations, and meet wonderful people like yourself. I thank you for your words, I needed to hear what you said, it gave me the strength again like others prior, not to do anything that will make matters worse. I have to be patient and believe this will work out. Thank you.

 

[Kimsco]

So it’s now been six months since my 25 year old borderline daughter had her baby. None of my family including myself has even met the baby as all relationships have been strained/severed due to her actions. Out of nowhere I get a text “ I need to talk to you”. Come to find out her and the father were arrested for disturbing the peace and she was being placed in a domestic violence shelter. I told her it’s the best place for her. That they will give her and her son shelter, and guidance. To listen to them, adhere to the rules, and keep her focus on her baby. That we all love her and are praying for her. Again, there is no way we or anyone for that matter can take her in especially with her history…..Then the guilt sets in ….still makes me feel like the biggest jerk on earth. Yep, tell her we love her- then slam the door. I haven’t even gotten to meet my grandson as my relationship with my daughter is null. Yes of course I would love to, but fear that would complicate matters worse as SHE has to figure this out. My husband (her step dad) and I are not financially, physically or psychologically able to shelter and care for them yet I feel this guilt that I’m turning my back and am obligated simply because I’m mom/grandmom and that’s what family does and is SUPPOSED to do. I have to say these last six months although on one hand I ache and hurt and would love to meet my grandson, I have had a certain peace in my life since my daughter was not a part of it. No panic calls or texts, no screaming matches, no exhausting incidents and I feel terrible even admitting that, but it’s true- then I ask myself what kind of mom even says that???!! I feel helpless and don’t know what else to tell her. Not even sure how shelters work? Aren’t they only short term? What if all housing is at capacity? Do they then turn their backs too? Do they get her state assistance and long term housing? I am so overwhelmed, scared for them, love her so much, but absolutely helpless and deflated.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Kim
Please look at New Leaf's recent thread (in the last week.) She has been dealing with circumstances and consequences such as yours. Well, actually, we all have. I can't reply to you now, but my reply to New Leaf says anything I could have to say. (It is always the same thing.) Pretty much this: our choices have to be in response to the reality of our adult's real behavior and the way that it affects us. Not only does our child's (and grandchildren's) well-being matter. Our well-being matters. It is not wrong to save and protect yourself. It is essential.
Love, Copa