She's not sober

[DDD]

Most importantly I'm sending support your way, Nancy. I'm sure the blocks were knocked out from under you but you will find your level again soon. Our s.a. difficult child's are so confusing and challenging. When I first was reading your post the first thought that popped into my mind was "since they are all liars maybe she is saying this to sound cool". Later, of course, I read that you had confronted her. My idea was not valid. After so many years I still find it difficult to accept the deceptions. It's a head shaker and a heart shaker. I'm sorry you have to reign in your optomism. Sending hugs. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

More (((hugs))) and more apologies....hopefully she will be back on the right track very soon.....

 

[FlowerGarden]

Sending hugs to you. Positive thoughts to your difficult child to help get her back on track.

 

[exhausted]

Oh Nancy, So sorry. Praying she will get back on and be honest with herself. I liked the passages LMS shared.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im so sorry that you had to read that. I also wonder if it wasnt something she wrote to attempt to be cool to this guy. Honestly she has been doing so well but she also has this need to be accepted by guys. We both know they could be her downfall. Even if this was said as something to sound cool, this will be just a slippery slope because he obviously is not sober.

I have read that people in AA get coins for so many months etc. Has she received one yet? I would think something like that would be a goal for her to count on and something that she could hold on to as a physical safety net to help keep her on the right path. If she hasnt got her coin yet, I might be tempted to do something for her yourself. Maybe a really cheap necklace you could make from beads at walmart and add one more each day for each day of sobriety for her. Something that rewards that one day at a time motto. They have some really cute gold, silver or even multi colored beads that she could pick out and you just add one each day on basically thick dental floss. Tie it off when it gets long enough.

I dont know, I am just thinking out loud. I have no idea really but am reaching for something I think would help me to want to help me keep on track of something I wanted to keep doing.

 

[lovemysons]

You know Nancy...
And this may sound strange I don't know. But I liken this to "labor pains".
Ya know how when we're in labor (which can be pretty scary) and try to control the pain, tensing up, etc...It makes the pain worse. But when we relax and release our breathe in small pants...release our tight control, the pain is lessend.
Sometimes when we let go of the struggle for our difficult children and let them takeover and "do the work" "do the next right thing" I think our pain, at some point, is reduced.
Does that make any sense at all?

Thinking of you,
LMS

 

[Nancy]

Janet she has many coins. She started geting them in rehab, and continued through her IOP and into AA. Obviously they don't mean much, in gfact I have found many of them in old purses and bags of clothes. I also bought her a necklace from AA that is a small horseshoe with the AA triangle symbol inside. She wears that evry day. Obviously that doesn't mean much either.

I'm beginning to think that she truly believes she can drink/use responsibly. She has been calling and texting this guy nonstop since last week. He will dump he like all the rest have at some point, but not untilafter he gets her to totally relapse. Addicts who leave recovery love to help others do the same because it helps them not feel so bad about themselves.

I have backed off. I am not communicating with her and we have told her that we won't stick around this time to watch her fall.

LMS there is truth in that saying "let go and let God." I have asked him to take this burden from me, that I can no longer carry it and she is now in his hands. We'll see if it works.

Nancy

 

[rejectedmom]

Nancy, I am so very sorry for your pain and all the emotion upheaval this has cause you. It is ok to cry... heck I'm crying as I type this. I will pray that this is just a blip on the screen and that she will come to her sences very soon.

LMS your quote is wonderful advice. I think we all need to hear that sometimes.

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy, I hate to hear that she is still texting this guy. I pray that she wakes up in time before she totally relapses. I think that you are doing the right thing to pull back at this point.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Tiredof33]

It is so sad when we think they are finally on the road to recovery and the stray. You are absolutely correct about being dragged back into the chaos and drama. The guy didn't make it and misery loves company.

At her young age I'm sure she feels like she can handle anything!

My difficult child was doing so well and met another difficult child and back to the bottom. I thought he had hit rock bottom before, but this was under the rock bottom!

Blessings to us all, after the hell they have put us through and we still love them so much!

 

[DammitJanet]

Well damn. I know so little Nancy. Only what I see on TV. I thought they were only 3,6,9 and 12 months and then yearly from then on. Guess I was wrong.

I so hope she catches herself before she falls too far.

 

[Ephchap]

Nancy,

Ughhh. That was my heart dropping a bit reading this. difficult child sounded like she was ready and on the right path. That's not to say that she's not, but if she truly thinks she can drink once in a while or smoke pot one in a while and everything will be fine, well, as we all know too well, it's not.

It's like when my son first came home from the residential program free from drugs. He overcame so much, and yet, little by little, he started drinking. Sure, at first a few beers here and there seemed harmless enough, until it led to drinking straight vodka and needing to or he would be sick. His system craved it and he needed to be detoxed for the dt's. It was not pleasant, that's for sure.

Unfortunately, it is one of those things that she will hopefully realize before sliding too far down the slippery slope. I think pulling back a bit sounds like a good decision for you and your husband and easy child. Hopefully difficult child will realize that she can't and won't go down that road again.

Hugs to you and yours,
Deb

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy,

I keep thinking of that book you recommended about th different stages of recovery and how people often bounce between them q bit....hopefully she will wake up soon and realize once again that she cant use responsibly...for our difficult children that is a fantasy.

TL

 

[Nancy]

TL,

I am reading Everything Changes now and they go into detail about relapse and what our role is and it's helpful. One thing they said was that it either serves as a motivator and reinforcement for recovery or they go all the way back. I'm scared that she thinks she can use responsibly so that may mean she has to fall hard to find out she can't.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

I also found that book very helpful.... it helped give me perspective and made me realize that at this point I need to try and be positive in my interactions with difficult child.... easier because he is not right in front of me and most of our interactions are over text... and when he doesn't want to talk to me he just ignores me. Which is most of the time.

I found the book both hopeful and worrisome. Hopeful in that there are lots of examples of recovery, and recovery from long term addicts.... and that relapse is really a part of the process. Worrisome because I don't know yet if my difficult child will ever get past the point of pre-contemplation and really be committed to recovery.

TL

 

[Nancy]

I hear you TL, I am very worried because mine seems to be stuck back at precontemplation also and at the stage where things were going well and she thinks she has this beat and also that she is really not even at step 1 right now. She does not even admit she is powerless against drugs.

Nancy