PatriotsGirl
Well-Known Member
They got her and she tested positive for meth. She will remain in jail until the baby is out and then the baby will be placed by DFCS. I am a complete wreck. 
Should be an interesting morning...
- Thread starter PatriotsGirl
- Start date
Marcie Mac
Just Plain Ole Tired
So sorry to hear this.
Marcie
Marcie
Oh PG, I am so very sorry. I so understand how you feel, I know that remarkable disappointment when success is right in their grasp........and they blow it..........it is so hard on us with all our hopes built up so much for them to get that chance.........geez, my heart goes out to you............I am sending big hugs your way and prayers for you to find some peace of mind.............
lovemysons
Well-Known Member
Oh no. I am so SO sorry PG.
I wish she would think of baby Connor. Makes me very sad.
caring hugs and love to you,
LMS
I wish she would think of baby Connor. Makes me very sad.
caring hugs and love to you,
LMS
PatriotsGirl
Well-Known Member
I have cried until there are no more tears....husband and I are talking about taking Connor...but he wants her to have zero contact with him. husband says it will just mess up poor Connors head and break his heart. Got a lot of thinking to do...
Mattsmom277
Active Member
Wow, I'm incredibly sorry to hear this is how she handled the error of releasing her. I know you know that she cannot possibly care for her baby, not in this frame of mind, this far into addiction and so resistant to programs and treatment and real change. I want to hug her but I also want to smack her upside her foolish pretty head. Instead I'll send you hugs, far more productive.
Hang in there. Obviously you and husband have a lot to talk about. Taking a newborn and starting all over is a huge adjustment and sacrifice. It's more than loving a grandchild, I know you know that. I would be so torn in your shoes between taking it on, versus letting the baby go somewhere else. Please just be very aware that meth addicted or not, the odds of her being absolutely forever out of this babies life if he ends up with you, are slim to none. Courts tend to give chance after chance, even if its just supervised access. Not to mention, she's your daughter and going to turn up and thats a whole other ball of wax. I don't honestly know what I would do, but as heart breaking as it would feel, I think I'd lean personally toward allowing placement hoping either difficult child smartens the heck up to be a mother, or the baby finding loving adoptive parents that won't have to have difficult child pop up, addictions and all, and impact that beautiful babies life negatively. I say that however from the safe corner I sit in, not at all facing this scenario so who knows what I'd do if it actually did happen with one of my children. I know you though, and I do think that whatever you and husband decide is right (for this baby and also for you and husband) you will cope and handle and manage either scenario. Sending strength as you two work out what you are prepared to handle and what your line is in the sand. I'm so incredibly sorry I can't even express it. I do want to share though, that as hard as it is to let your child flail, I think it's high time she does flail and have to pick her path and road on her own. Navigate it herself. I think for me, in your shoes, that would be it. Phone cut off, she can find a way to get her own later. No money, jail visits, intervening with agencies on her behalf, letters, nothing. As in, nothing until she is clean for at least six months in a proper program that tests and she can't con. Harsh? Probably. Does she need it at this stage? Absolutely. It's time for her to find her own parachute or crash down under her own steam. I really believe at this point, you need to try to toughen your heart for a long period of time towards the mess she created, focus on your own life and future and needs, and potentially a little innocent baby as well. Many many hugs.
Hang in there. Obviously you and husband have a lot to talk about. Taking a newborn and starting all over is a huge adjustment and sacrifice. It's more than loving a grandchild, I know you know that. I would be so torn in your shoes between taking it on, versus letting the baby go somewhere else. Please just be very aware that meth addicted or not, the odds of her being absolutely forever out of this babies life if he ends up with you, are slim to none. Courts tend to give chance after chance, even if its just supervised access. Not to mention, she's your daughter and going to turn up and thats a whole other ball of wax. I don't honestly know what I would do, but as heart breaking as it would feel, I think I'd lean personally toward allowing placement hoping either difficult child smartens the heck up to be a mother, or the baby finding loving adoptive parents that won't have to have difficult child pop up, addictions and all, and impact that beautiful babies life negatively. I say that however from the safe corner I sit in, not at all facing this scenario so who knows what I'd do if it actually did happen with one of my children. I know you though, and I do think that whatever you and husband decide is right (for this baby and also for you and husband) you will cope and handle and manage either scenario. Sending strength as you two work out what you are prepared to handle and what your line is in the sand. I'm so incredibly sorry I can't even express it. I do want to share though, that as hard as it is to let your child flail, I think it's high time she does flail and have to pick her path and road on her own. Navigate it herself. I think for me, in your shoes, that would be it. Phone cut off, she can find a way to get her own later. No money, jail visits, intervening with agencies on her behalf, letters, nothing. As in, nothing until she is clean for at least six months in a proper program that tests and she can't con. Harsh? Probably. Does she need it at this stage? Absolutely. It's time for her to find her own parachute or crash down under her own steam. I really believe at this point, you need to try to toughen your heart for a long period of time towards the mess she created, focus on your own life and future and needs, and potentially a little innocent baby as well. Many many hugs.
It is very hard to raise a grandchild. Very very hard at first. But it is also one of the very best choices I made. I completely adore Mr. I. and so does Pops. It's easy in the sense that you know what to do and you trust yourself. It doesn't feel like you're watching someone else's child. The grandparent bond is there.
I don't think I could ever do it again though.
I'm so sorry the drugs won again. It is a very hard battle.
I don't think I could ever do it again though.
I'm so sorry the drugs won again. It is a very hard battle.
L
Liahona
Guest
My sister adopted a baby and it was a very open adoption. He knows and has met the bio family. Maybe you could be the third set of grandparents?
S
Signorina
Guest
Oh PG - I am so so sorry. lots of {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Marcie Mac
Just Plain Ole Tired
I am glad they found her and took her in. Poor baby Connor..sigh
SO's neice had a meth and other drug problem - his sister ended up taking the first two - even though neice was a major difficult child, his sister had NO clue as to what the effects of meth had on babies. She came here to live with a "fresh start" with the 3rd baby which we were thinking about taking but after researching, and having her here, plus Danny, plus Jess at the time, we had pretty much decided we had lost our minds. Loser boyfriend followed her here, and they ended up fleeing to Mexico, where the drugging continued and she had two more children. All 5 had severe mental and emotional problems, and she really doesn't know actually who the baby daddies are.
Neice refused to give her mother permanent custody - she still has only temporary custody and she cannot get services. Neice has a warrant out for her arrest in AZ as they don't take kindly to mothers having addicted babies, so she has been living in Mexico for a few years and won't come back.
Please do your research before hand so you know what you possibly have to be dealing with
Hugs
Marcie
SO's neice had a meth and other drug problem - his sister ended up taking the first two - even though neice was a major difficult child, his sister had NO clue as to what the effects of meth had on babies. She came here to live with a "fresh start" with the 3rd baby which we were thinking about taking but after researching, and having her here, plus Danny, plus Jess at the time, we had pretty much decided we had lost our minds. Loser boyfriend followed her here, and they ended up fleeing to Mexico, where the drugging continued and she had two more children. All 5 had severe mental and emotional problems, and she really doesn't know actually who the baby daddies are.
Neice refused to give her mother permanent custody - she still has only temporary custody and she cannot get services. Neice has a warrant out for her arrest in AZ as they don't take kindly to mothers having addicted babies, so she has been living in Mexico for a few years and won't come back.
Please do your research before hand so you know what you possibly have to be dealing with
Hugs
Marcie
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
PG - I am so relieved they picked her up.... I didnt think it would take long. It is distressing that she had meth in her system although not surprising given that she had basically gone awol from you.
You and husband do have a lot to discuss.... and I think there are more options than losing track of baby Connor all together and you completely raising him. There are a lot of open adoptions these days.... I have a friend who has a daughter (adopted) my daughters age... I dont know the whole story but they had contact with the bio grandmother until the grandmother died. So it may be possible for you to still be invovled in his life without having to raise him yourself. I suggest you to talk to DCF and find out what options you have.... let them know you want to be involved but are not sure about adopting him yourself.
The other thing is in most cases DCF starts with the premise of reunification and so when they take him would he be in foster care giving your difficult child another chance to get her life together, or would he immediately be available for adoption? A
You and husband do have a lot to discuss.... and I think there are more options than losing track of baby Connor all together and you completely raising him. There are a lot of open adoptions these days.... I have a friend who has a daughter (adopted) my daughters age... I dont know the whole story but they had contact with the bio grandmother until the grandmother died. So it may be possible for you to still be invovled in his life without having to raise him yourself. I suggest you to talk to DCF and find out what options you have.... let them know you want to be involved but are not sure about adopting him yourself.
The other thing is in most cases DCF starts with the premise of reunification and so when they take him would he be in foster care giving your difficult child another chance to get her life together, or would he immediately be available for adoption? A
PatriotsGirl
Well-Known Member
There is a lot to think about for sure. Believe me, all of it has been running through my mind. What I have going for me is that I am under 40, I have plenty of space in my home, I can afford it and I work from home so no daycare needed. I have mixed feelings about raising another child...which is why I want to take my time and think about this. One thing for sure is, just when I think I couldn't possibly love my husband any more than I already do - he just proves me wrong. The fact that he is willing to take this child in makes my heart burst. I really need to talk to DFCS to ask questions. My heart says we absolutely will take him, but my head is thinking about the cons...
She tried calling me six times last night. I didn't want to hear her voice so I didn't take the calls. I put the phone on silent and ignored it.
When the solicitor called me yesterday she said that baby daddy may be going into custody, too. Well, this morning I looked online and HE IS THERE, too!!!!! He must have failed a drug test. Happy day!!
She tried calling me six times last night. I didn't want to hear her voice so I didn't take the calls. I put the phone on silent and ignored it.
When the solicitor called me yesterday she said that baby daddy may be going into custody, too. Well, this morning I looked online and HE IS THERE, too!!!!! He must have failed a drug test. Happy day!!
You sure have a lot on your plate to think about. Are there statistics available on what damage is done to babies whose mothers are meth addicts who used in the first trimester? Are you prepared to raise a disabled child? My SO's grandson had brain damage (not drug related), he is 5 and his parents are young and wealthy and the emotional and financial toll is just enormous, and this child will always need a lot of support, he will be dependent on them for the rest of their lives.
Just to offer some thoughts to consider, because this is such a huge decision for you............you will be in your 50's I presume when your grandson is a teenager, a tad younger then I am, raising a teen..............and of course I adore my granddaughter and wouldn't do anything different...............AND, it's tough sometimes......you just don't have the energy, patience nor brain power that you do when you are in your 30's or 40's or even 50's.
In addition, as others have mentioned, DFCS in attempting reunification may put you in the position I was in, which is to go to court and prove your own daughter to be a bad parent so that you can gain permanent guardianship or custody. This is a grueling experience on so many levels. You may want to ask about how that all will work too. And, if you do gain custody, your daughter will likely have some rights to the child and how do you protect him if he is with her without you? My daughter was so spun out in her own world, she didn't show up for any of the court ordered therapy or mediation or visitations so she essentially gave up all rights to me, but that is not always the case, your daughter may fight you and Connor will be in the middle.
I don't want to sound negative, just trying to offer a balanced picture. I am 17 years down the road from where you are and there are some pitfalls along the way. My granddaughter, against many odds, is turning out to be a terrific young woman, which would not have been the case had I not stepped in to pull her out of the dark life my daughter lives..................and it has been very difficult at times, it's getting easier now, but those early years had a lot of stress. The good news is that grandparents raising their grand kids is epidemic now, so there are many more resources available, I even found a therapist for my granddaughter (and me too), who specialized in the unique issues of this relationship.
Another thought is that your daughter may continue having babies like Marcie Mac's SO's niece...............she has many childbearing years ahead of her yet................that was something I so dreaded for a few years and wondered how I would react if there were another baby.............it is such a tough decision and of course, no right or wrong responses, simply what you're willing to do.............
I feel for you PG, this is heart wrenching for you and husband. There is no way to predict the future and look down the road a bit, so you will have to go with whatever decision you make and trust it will work out and you will be okay with it. I send you warm wishes for peace as you endeavor down this path.........
Just to offer some thoughts to consider, because this is such a huge decision for you............you will be in your 50's I presume when your grandson is a teenager, a tad younger then I am, raising a teen..............and of course I adore my granddaughter and wouldn't do anything different...............AND, it's tough sometimes......you just don't have the energy, patience nor brain power that you do when you are in your 30's or 40's or even 50's.
In addition, as others have mentioned, DFCS in attempting reunification may put you in the position I was in, which is to go to court and prove your own daughter to be a bad parent so that you can gain permanent guardianship or custody. This is a grueling experience on so many levels. You may want to ask about how that all will work too. And, if you do gain custody, your daughter will likely have some rights to the child and how do you protect him if he is with her without you? My daughter was so spun out in her own world, she didn't show up for any of the court ordered therapy or mediation or visitations so she essentially gave up all rights to me, but that is not always the case, your daughter may fight you and Connor will be in the middle.
I don't want to sound negative, just trying to offer a balanced picture. I am 17 years down the road from where you are and there are some pitfalls along the way. My granddaughter, against many odds, is turning out to be a terrific young woman, which would not have been the case had I not stepped in to pull her out of the dark life my daughter lives..................and it has been very difficult at times, it's getting easier now, but those early years had a lot of stress. The good news is that grandparents raising their grand kids is epidemic now, so there are many more resources available, I even found a therapist for my granddaughter (and me too), who specialized in the unique issues of this relationship.
Another thought is that your daughter may continue having babies like Marcie Mac's SO's niece...............she has many childbearing years ahead of her yet................that was something I so dreaded for a few years and wondered how I would react if there were another baby.............it is such a tough decision and of course, no right or wrong responses, simply what you're willing to do.............
I feel for you PG, this is heart wrenching for you and husband. There is no way to predict the future and look down the road a bit, so you will have to go with whatever decision you make and trust it will work out and you will be okay with it. I send you warm wishes for peace as you endeavor down this path.........
Hi,
you probably don't know me, I haven't posted in a long time but I wanted to let you know that my difficult child had a baby whom she "gave" to a "friend" when he was about 10 months old and then the friend and her husband had him taken away because they were abusing him. He was about 2 at the time. He ended up in foster care (I did not feel I could take him and raise him) and the foster mother fell in love with him and adopted him. My daughter was trying to regain custody of him but when she realized the foster mother wanted him (and he had been with her for quite awhile) she gave him up. They have an open adoption and the mom keeps in touch with both my difficult child and me. I am so thankful he is in a loving, stable home with a mom who can financially and emotionally support him. He has emotional issues due to his awful first 2 years but he has come a long way. I see pictures of him and it warms my heart to see him in such a great situation.
Whatever you do I am so sorry you have been put in this position. My heart goes out to you.
Hugs,
Jane
you probably don't know me, I haven't posted in a long time but I wanted to let you know that my difficult child had a baby whom she "gave" to a "friend" when he was about 10 months old and then the friend and her husband had him taken away because they were abusing him. He was about 2 at the time. He ended up in foster care (I did not feel I could take him and raise him) and the foster mother fell in love with him and adopted him. My daughter was trying to regain custody of him but when she realized the foster mother wanted him (and he had been with her for quite awhile) she gave him up. They have an open adoption and the mom keeps in touch with both my difficult child and me. I am so thankful he is in a loving, stable home with a mom who can financially and emotionally support him. He has emotional issues due to his awful first 2 years but he has come a long way. I see pictures of him and it warms my heart to see him in such a great situation.
Whatever you do I am so sorry you have been put in this position. My heart goes out to you.
Hugs,
Jane
PG all of this is so hard to comprehend. It was pretty obvious she had no intetion of going back or going to rehab when she called you and wouldn't tell you where she was. How she could have planned everything to be picked up after she was just somehow mistakenly let out and then fall silent is beyond me.
I agree you need to think long and hard about what you are facing. I don't need to tell you what we have gone through with our difficult child or what DDD has gone through to know this baby faces a lifetime of struggles. I am angry at your difficult child right now, as I know you are. She should not be in this child's life. She did not protect him and at the very first change she used again, not even a day went by and she was clean so there was no reason other than she wanted to get high. She didn't think about the baby, just her own selfish self.
I would be demanding some answers from the jail on how this could happen.
I agree you need to think long and hard about what you are facing. I don't need to tell you what we have gone through with our difficult child or what DDD has gone through to know this baby faces a lifetime of struggles. I am angry at your difficult child right now, as I know you are. She should not be in this child's life. She did not protect him and at the very first change she used again, not even a day went by and she was clean so there was no reason other than she wanted to get high. She didn't think about the baby, just her own selfish self.
I would be demanding some answers from the jail on how this could happen.
I am going to echo the others that say you need to think with your head not your heart. DDD is a perfect example of what happens when you take in your difficult child's child. DDD ended up with two of her daughter's children and the daughter when ahead and had a third. I think she will tell you that they love their grandsons dearly but it took away their retirement.
You also have a teenage easy child in the house. Have you asked him what he thinks about the situation?
{{{Hugs}}}
You also have a teenage easy child in the house. Have you asked him what he thinks about the situation?
{{{Hugs}}}
