Should be an interesting morning...

[PatriotsGirl]

We are thinking about ALL angles, believe me. We are not going to make this decision on the fly...I told him that he has to be prepared that DFCS will try to reunite her with the baby. Which, I see no problem with if she goes through a program and is clean. She will be remanded to Family Treatment Court for two years and that time is to get help and try to get her child back. Ideally, I would love if we only had to take him for a year or two while she gets her act together. I could definitely commit to that. But, I know I have to be prepared that she would never get better and that is the part that I need to think about...do I want to commit to another 18 years? And what if he does have the same issues she had? Do I want to go through that again?? But what if he is like my easy child who is such a joy and a bright light in our lives? What if he is a little love and just flourishes with us? Wouldn't I do a better job this time around being older and more experienced? Would I like to have that chance to do it again and do it better? These are the questions running through my mind...

She called again this morning. My husband's advice was to take the call, say everything I needed to and hang up. That is just what I did. She called with denials - saying there was something already in the cup when she tested. OMG whatever. She told me to ask them to test her again (of course it is probably out of her system now - like I am that dumb). I told her that I am not doing a thing. NOTHING. This is HER mess to clean. I told her that I am no longer helping, talking to anyone on her behalf - nothing. I told her straight out that DFCS will be calling me to ask if I will take the baby. I told her that if I take him, she will have nothing to do with him until she has gotten help and is clean. (I plan to talk to husband more over the weekend about this. See if we can come to the decision that IF she got help and straightened out that she could get him back, yet, be prepared that she may not.) Anyway, I pretty much unloaded and said what I felt. I didn't tell her that I hated her. I said that in anger yesterday to husband and a couple others, but I really don't. I love her with all my heart and that could never change. But I told her that I did not like her at all right now for what she has done and the position she has put us in. Then I hung up. Let her sit and stew on that...

Oh she tried to tell me that M (baby daddy) was in there because she didn't turn herself in. Uh yeah, okay. I told her that I did not believe that for a minute, but that everything we told her would happen, happened. She admitted it did. I asked her what is it possibly going to take??? She said she can't get help in jail and I told her oh well. That ship has sailed until the baby is born now. She is going to have to work EXTRA hard now after he is born if she wants him in her life.

So, that is where I am right now....lots and lots to think about and discuss....we have two more months until he is here....I am SO beyond fortunate to work for a great company and I have a fantastic new boss who is just so incredibly understanding...and to have husband waiting for me with open arms when I came home in tears yesterday. To hold me while I cried and offering to take this baby in. Wow. I am so beyond lucky. I love that man beyond words. Beyond comprehension...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You also have a teenage easy child in the house. Have you asked him what he thinks about the situation?

{{{Hugs}}}

easy child has been VERY, VERY excited about becoming an uncle. He has always wanted a brother - so a nephew is the next best thing. He talks about Connor all of the time. Honestly, I think it will break his heart to not have him in his life. It is a LOT to think about. One thing for sure is this child would be surrounded by love. But it IS a lot to commit to...

 

[lovemysons]

PG,
Lots of questions and lots to think about.

I am so pleased to see you and husband coming together over this extremely important matter.
My prayers remain with you all.

Love,
LMS

 

[Nancy]

It makes no sense that they would arrest baby daddy because they made an error in releasing her and she didn't turn herself in. How was she suppose to know it was an error and she had to go back? Did they expect her to sit around and wait to see if they recalled her? I don't get it. Check the oline docket and see what his charges really are.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

It makes no sense that they would arrest baby daddy because they made an error in releasing her and she didn't turn herself in. How was she suppose to know it was an error and she had to go back? Did they expect her to sit around and wait to see if they recalled her? I don't get it. Check the oline docket and see what his charges really are.

I am going to - I couldn't find anything on him this morning other than his name being on the inmate list. I think he failed a drug test. When we had that meeting regarding them charging her with a felony, she pulled up his name in the system and saw that he has open cases with them - she typed something in and I think she said she was adding drug testing to him.

She knew she had to turn herself back in because I told her. I told her they made a mistake and were looking for her. The police showed up at her friend's house looking for her and her friend told her that. That is when difficult child called me crying hard because she didn't want to go back. I wondered why she would have been so upset. She had already been in there almost three months - what was a few more days?? The fact that she used and knew she would test dirty makes sense now. They tested her as soon as they got her back. Then I think they brought him in and tested him. Now they are both there - at the same jail...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

It makes no sense that they would arrest baby daddy because they made an error in releasing her and she didn't turn herself in. How was she suppose to know it was an error and she had to go back? Did they expect her to sit around and wait to see if they recalled her? I don't get it. Check the oline docket and see what his charges really are.

Go figure - nothing online for this county....I remember my neighbor paralegal friend telling me that.... is there another way I can find out?

 

[Signorina]

Ok, I am going to stick my neck out. Please know I am doing it the spirit of what I wish I could say over guac & chips instead of a keyboard. Disclaimer: I am being strictly pragmatic. I have often followed my mommy heart instead of the really good & practical advice I've been given here and I am not sure I could follow this advice myself.

If I were on your shoes, I would hope to convince my difficult child to give the baby up for adoption. It would break my heart. But I would do it anyway, at least I hope I could. Not only for the baby but for myself as well. I am slightly ashamed to type that.

I say this with great respect & no judgment. I remember the posts when you counted the days until your difficult child's 18 birthday. You desperately needed a break from the chaos. I remember the joy when you & husband bought (?) the camper iirc. (Gosh I hope I am not mixed up) The fun you've had when you & h seized opportunities to be a family of 3 and focus on easy child.

If you adopt baby C, your difficult child will be in your life forever & so will baby daddy regardless of their stability. The chaos will likely continue and will spill into baby's upbringing. You won't be able to isolate yourselves from it, even if you have full legal custody. You're potentially extending this battle for the next 20 years. I know the "what ifs", I know you want to know & love your grandson and I know you want to preserve her chance of being a healthy mom to him one day.

She had that opportunity and she blew it sky high after 2 months of sober thinking. I hold out great hope that she will mature into a healthy young woman someday, but for now, she has shown you who she is & I think you should believe her. You know that when she is using, she can be delusional and very unpredictable. And so is baby daddy.

Your beloved grandson has 2 biological parents with serious problems and he could have issues related to drug exposure in utero. You couldn't protect him and you tried so hard and with such great love. You did everything you could to give your daughter chance to be a real mother to him. You hoped pregnancy would be a wake up call. It wasn't. I think right now; you need to choose baby C. And his best shot at a good life is to protect him completely from his parents once he is born. Give him a fresh start far outside of their reach.

She chose not to be his mom. You can't save her from her choice. I know it hurts like heck. And I know you love this baby. Please know I am not sure I could walk away from my grandchild either.

If anything, please do your very best to get baby daddy to sign away his parental rights even if you have to bribe him. Just so that he can't haunt you forever if you or difficult child decide to raise baby C. He scares me.

Again, no judgment meant. Xo

 

[Nancy]

What county PG, I'll see what I can find.

They still could not expect her to know she had to turn herself in. They could not count on you to get in touch with her and tell her.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

husband and I are discussing all pros and cons. Believe me. This is not a decision I am going to jump into lightly. I am not sure what we are going to do yet. I did ask him what if she goes through a program and fights like mad to get him back. He said she would have to prove it to him first before he lets her in his life. I can agree with that. Again, not sure what we are going to do. I need to hear from DFCS. I have a lot of questions.

He is in custody and not getting out. He will have to establish paternity to have any rights. I am still doubtful that the baby is his. He is in his mid-thirties and has never ever gotten a girl pregnant? Despite trying desperately? Hmm, we will see.

I talked with easy child and he is for taking the baby in. My easy child is very family oriented and he hates the thought of the baby being with strangers. He knows this is a big decision though and told me it is something dad and I have to decide. He is so smart. husband said this is NOT the ideal situation because it could mean that he is raising children into his sixties...but he had issues from being adopted and I think that plays into his feelings a lot.

I just don't know what we are going to do. I don't even know what DFCS is going to do...

 

[Mattsmom277]

Please also remember when considering everything, that you and husband can set whatever conditions you want on your daughter. However ultimately, the odds are DCFS is going to be involved and the courts, and it is THEM that will allow or deny visits with difficult child mom and the father. You will be bound by courts decisions even if you know you are subjecting Conner to chaos. Being ever practical, remember to consider the massive cost of attorneys which you certainly will need for a very extended number of years to come navigating the courts to protect this baby. That is on top of any possible disabilities that may occur from her meth use during this pregnancy. That can impact your ability to work full time or need a full time special service provider for child care. Not to mention the possibility of extensive medical costs. I know this probably comes across negative, and know please I don't mean it to be. I think being an outside observer makes for objective thinking. It is understandable that you and husband and your son will be guided with logic but mostly by heart and love for this baby. I can't help but think that perhaps the suggestion a few posts up about the merits of adoption to keep difficult child parents out of this innocent babies life might be a very good decision under this horrible circumstances. As I said, and the other poster, I don't know if I could let go either and I'm sorry you're in this position to choose and I may feel different in your shoes. In the end, the decision must be what is best for the development and health and life of the baby. If you believe you and husband can not only provide (which obviously you can, financial and love) but also manage the chaos that difficult child and the babies father will bring into that babies life to protect him from their actions, then it's the right decision. Please just really consider that your role would not ensure 100% control over contact from difficult child or babies father. They have rights too even acting as they are. I have to wonder too, if maybe she is too ashamed and afraid to give the child up to adoption knowing family reaction to the selfish view that would put on her choices to choose drugs over her baby, but secretly is really just hoping it is taken out of her hands and he is placed for adoption to spare her what she knows darn well she cannot handle.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I am going to talk to dfcs. If the baby is in foster care but we could still be in his life, I may be able to live with that. That way she will have to fight to get him back but we are not involved. I would want to be able to take him for weekends sometimes, though....but it may be a better solution....I keep going back and forth on it. That is why I really want to take my time with this... :-( honestly, if I thought it would be short term and she would get it together, I wouldn't think twice. Honestly. It is the signing up for another eighteen that makes me cringe...

 

[busywend]

PG, I am so sorry. Huge hugs to you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

And PG, if he is in any way disabled because of the drug use, you may be signing up for the rest of your lives, not just 18 years...... there may be no end. Or if he is a difficult child because of his parents choices, you will be dealing with that. Reading Nancy's story and DDD's and others here makes it a daunting prospect in many ways.........and what Sig said about the baby daddy and his rights............it is such a life changing choice you're faced with. So many Mom's here have some incredibly good words of wisdom and experience and lots of knowledge to offer you as you go through this hard choice............it's a wonderful place to bring your thoughts and considerations..........you've literally got a tribe of supporters here PG.........we've got your back.....hugs....

 

[Signorina]

Yes PG and Amen, RE! If anything, we FEEL your dilemma. RE is living it and for me -- "but there for the grace of G-d go I".

Please know 1000% we stand by you and your choice. XO

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Still thinking - lots and lots of thinking. My easy child is yet another amazing man like his father. My goodness I am SO lucky and if I could raise another boy to be like my son, well, I would have created gold. easy child is very much for taking Connor in and him being with his family. He even stated that if Connor is still here, he will not be so quick to move out once he turns 18. He said he would babysit and contribute in any way we needed him to (except changing diapers...lol).

Still....it IS a lot. If difficult child is not going to get it together, then adoption would be best. I even know a couple that is desperate to adopt and would take him in a heartbeat. They have always wanted children and she has suffered many miscarriages. The thing is, if Connor is not adopted and it is just a foster home situation, it would break her heart to "lose" another child. AND the couple is in Massachusetts so I would very very rarely see him. Still, I know he would be loved and cherished.

And I think...life throws lots of curveballs. It certainly does not always go the way we plan and things happen that we are not prepared for. What would I do if something happened to a family member and I needed to become a full time caretaker? It happened to my previous employee. I would do what needed to be done out of love. How is this situation different? I grew up without a good family structure and I have desperately been trying to break that cycle. I have plenty of friends that are my age and still having children, so it is not like I will be vastly older than other parents.

Ideally, I am praying she lays eyes on that baby and is determined to do what ever she had to. But, the realist in me is starting to tell myself I need to be prepared that it may not happen...

Whatever decision I make, the whole situation has just made me love and cherish the men in my life even more than I dreamed possible!! <3

 

[DammitJanet]

PG, you know how I feel about oldest. I could never give her up however a couple of months before she was born we were contacted by husband's family because one of his brother's had just had another baby which was born addicted to drugs. Because of this brother's history with CPS and the mother's history...plus the drug abuse, all kids they have are immediately taken into the foster system or placed with family which is always what CPS wants to do first.

Husbands family wanted us to take this little girl in. Im sure you can imagine how torn I was considering I always wanted a girl, however the baby tested positive at birth for both meth and heroin. I simply couldnt do it. I couldnt take on raising another disabled child. Who knew what issues this baby would have? Eventually a very nice doctor adopted her.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I don't think there is much of a question anymore. I really don't think we will be able to turn away...I could very easily say no if it was not my grandchild. My inlaws have offered to pay for any legal costs necessary. Of course the very best scenario is that she holds that baby and something pulls within her. But I am preparing that it may very well not happen...

 

[AmericanGirl]

I cannot imagine how hard this is. Sending you hugs. Sending up prayers for the best choices and decisions to be made.

*you are such a strong woman. I admire you so much.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Useful forum for you, PG: http://forums.adoption.com/drug-exposed/

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Useful forum for you, PG: http://forums.adoption.com/drug-exposed/

That is a really incredible site - thank you! I just spent the last hour and a half reading through it...lots of good information there!