Son arrested

Helpless29

Active Member
My son has started once again. I mentioned from my previous post my son has moved in with his dad ,my son has been working & things seemed to be going ok .His dad told me he started coming home late & his room always smells like weed .We’ll the other night his dad called me & said my son never came home , he was calling & texting him & no response , we’ll last night he called his dad and said he was in jail , he got caught with weed , turns out it was more then just that ,he also stole a truck , they did release him but with a court date .His dad still let him back him . I think my son is testing his luck with his dad & I don’t see this ending well . I’m angry how he has this great opportunity at his dads , just like he did at mine to do so good but is blowing it , it’s only a matter of time before his dad puts him out . Also from what I heard his posting on FB that he’s selling weed .
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless

Good grief. Well he isn't done raising hell yet is he?

I totally understand how you feel. Our son did the exact same thing over and over. He kept making horrible decisions. Unfortunately most of this time he was in my home.

Once we sent him to Florida (we were in Chicago at that time) to sober living our lives got better. His did for a bit and then he made more bad decisions. Most involving drugs which alter their thinking dramatically. I even felt my son was mentally ill for some time because who really knows and who can even tell? I'm not a doctor nor a drug expert.

I'm glad your son is with his dad and if he screws that up and gets kicked out that is on him. You just honestly have to sit back and relax. There is NOTHING that you can do. That is a hard pill to swallow but it is the truth. I had a very hard time accepting that.

Honestly my therapy helped, much much prayer and this site. Also my husband was very supportive and some friends even those that didn't understand. How could I expect them to when I couldn't.

We also knew that our son could lose his life by doing all the crazy things he was doing. We also had to accept that. Even a much harder pill to swallow.

I just kept praying and everything turned out good for us. My son FINALLY realized that he was tired of making bad decisions. It took many years. Luckily no felonies in the meantime. I still don't feel 100% sure that he will always make the right decisions but it has gotten much better. I do hope someday my PTSD goes away.

Keep us posted. Focus on your little ones.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
he also stole a truck ,
he’s selling weed .
I am so very sorry helpless.

This is the thing:
I’m angry how he has this great opportunity at his dads , just like he did at mine to do so good but is blowing it ,
Your son is like mine. He wants help. He wants support. He wants a comfortable place to live, to be sheltered and protected. But he wants to carry on living as he is. Your son wants to smoke weed and use whatever drug he wants. He wants to break the law. He does not care. He wants to be a little bad guy. This is what he wants. The changing comes from us.

We can give houses. We can give support. We can give love and kindness and guidance. IT DOES NOT MATTER what kind of opportunities and chances they get to do right. They don't want to if they don't want to. They want to continue to do what they want to do.

Oh yes. They want what we can give them, too. But that does not mean that they buy in to what we want for them. Not one little bit. Not unless THEY have decided to change. And I truly believe that for them to change they have to buy into a long program like RN's son did.

I am not saying to not help him, although I must say, I think he's done very well on his own, and I don't think he needs your help. I am saying that he will not change, just because he is comfortable and safe. Oh yes. He does view it as a opportunity. But not an opportunity to go straight. He sees it from his point of view. An opportunity to be comfortable doing what he wants to do. And he wants to be a criminal, at least for now.

I know a woman whose son was dealing drugs from her house. The police (a serious gang and drug squad) busted her door down held her at gunpoint to her head on the floor. Threatened to kill her dog. They found thousands of dollars of drugs in her wall. She did a job involved with criminal justice similar to what I did for many years. They put her in jail. They indicted the mother on the same (terrible) charges as they did the son, saying she was a co-conspirator. She had to fight with attorneys over many months to keep her job. But more than this she was crushed and humiliated and traumatized.

This is what these kids can do. If his father is smart, he'll make him leave. I am sorry, but this is how I believe. I like your son and I believe he has great potential WHEN HE DECIDES TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT. I see no indication at all he wants to change in the near future. I only see that you want him to change, with all of your heart and soul. I know what it is like because I am you.

Your son thinks everybody is stupid except him. Only life can teach him he's wrong.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless

I agree that your son is quite smart also. He is just trying to see what he can get away with maybe? I started to think that my son was going to live the life of a criminal. He was mentally unreachable. He shut us out.

I also feel my son is very smart and was told he had above average intelligence when he was tested for an IEP (when I was trying to get him back into school when he got expelled for a bit of weed in a pipe in the boys bathroom sophomore year). I'm not saying he's genius material or whatever but he is no dummy. My husband is very very smart so he got his genes (LOL).

I think it will "click" for him like it did for my son. He really HATED not being around his family and I feel strongly that is what finally made him change his ways. He realized he would not be in our lives and he did not want that. It took him many years to get to that realization unfortunately. If I had continued to unknowingly enable him, it all could have gone on for much longer I'm sure. He needed to get so SICK of making his life a mess that HE chose to change it. I was at that point years before him of course.

Stick to your guns.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Helpless

I agree that your son is quite smart also. He is just trying to see what he can get away with maybe? I started to think that my son was going to live the life of a criminal. He was mentally unreachable. He shut us out.

I also feel my son is very smart and was told he had above average intelligence when he was tested for an IEP (when I was trying to get him back into school when he got expelled for a bit of weed in a pipe in the boys bathroom sophomore year). I'm not saying he's genius material or whatever but he is no dummy. My husband is very very smart so he got his genes (LOL).

I think it will "click" for him like it did for my son. He really HATED not being around his family and I feel strongly that is what finally made him change his ways. He realized he would not be in our lives and he did not want that. It took him many years to get to that realization unfortunately. If I had continued to unknowingly enable him, it all could have gone on for much longer I'm sure. He needed to get so SICK of making his life a mess that HE chose to change it. I was at that point years before him of course.

Stick to your guns.
Thank you. I wish he would agree to go to a program like your son did , there are many I have found ,Teen Challenge being one of them . At this point he can’t go anywhere while we await his court date which is on the 22nd , I feel like I shouldn’t have asked his dad to let him back in , maybe if I stood out of it , he would of gotten help & none of this would of happened .
 
Please don't blame yourself Helpless! It's so easy to feel that ANYTHING bad that happens is somehow our fault. My son knows I am all too ready to take on the blame for anything that happens to him so he feeds it by blaming me and his Dad for everything, even for rescuing him when he asked us to. It's SO not true. Your son is responsible!! You were trying to help, and stopping trying to help goes against our deepest instincts, and everything we have been taught. It's part of detaching that you need to let your son take responsibility for his poor choices. I know! I am not doing it either, I just sent my son $$$....
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. It is not helpful to ask ourselves "what ifs." We can't predict or know. It usually takes an unexpected event for an addict to suddenly decide to get clean, if they do. It has nothing to do with us. That's why in Nar Anon we are taught to take care of ourselves because we can and to stop helping them because we can't. Even if we can bribe them into going into treatment we have no power to make them stop using. Just because they go in no way means they will stop. Most of the time addicts have to go into many programs before they stop and sometimes they still don't. It is 100percent on them. What we say or do doesn't matter until THEY want to stop. Then they do. Some don't though. So do we cry forever?

Best advice I ever got was to give it to God and move on and that has worked after we both tried hard, my husband and myself. My daughter is still a homeless addict but she did get SSDI and food share and Medicare so she has resources now.

Love and prayers.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thank you. I wish he would agree to go to a program like your son did , there are many I have found ,Teen Challenge being one of them . At this point he can’t go anywhere while we await his court date which is on the 22nd , I feel like I shouldn’t have asked his dad to let him back in , maybe if I stood out of it , he would of gotten help & none of this would of happened .
My son really didn't "agree" to it, it was forced upon him. He ran out of the place and my husband drove away with him in his rear view mirror in an unsavory neighborhood in Memphis. It was tough love at to the nth degree. I was so scared for him but I did not intervene.

My husband and I still talk about it all and get very emotional thinking about what we've been through. I think my son's brain needed to be rewired. It is so devastating what early drug use and alcohol does to their brain development. I did not believe it but it's true because I've seen it. It still doesn't mean we can FIX them though.

I wish I could hit fast forward for you so you could be past all of this, as I wished that for myself also no matter the outcome but in life we simply cannot do that. It is a suffering that many will never know.
:notalone:
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Hi Copa, not to good.I just posted today about my sons cocaine binge he’s been on, you should be able to see it under new post. I tried copying it but I couldn’t or maybe I’m doing something wrong.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Hi Copa, not to good.I just posted today about my sons cocaine binge he’s been on, you should be able to see it under new post. I tried copying it but I couldn’t or maybe I’m doing something wrong.
Hi Copa, not to good.I just posted today about my sons cocaine binge he’s been on, you should be able to see it under new post. I tried copying it but I couldn’t or maybe I’m doing something wrong.
My son got into a argument with his dad & left his house Friday. One of his dad rules was that when he got paid he needed to put some money aside to save . The last few times he got paid , he hasn’t given his dad any money to save & his dad could see my sons mood changing, which we know is signs of him using. Anyway the argument on Friday was about money , he refused to give his dad any , he was in rush to leave the house after work & was on computer messaging people & refused to listen to his dad to get off ,when his step mom got involved & just unplugged the computer my son left . His dad went on the computer after he left & checked the messages & it was my son trying to get cocaine. As of now from all the messages since Friday he’s been doing cocaine all weekend, not sure he’s even slept . We know he is at a old girlfriend house & acourse once again lost another good job. I’m sure he’ll be contacting his dad soon , once he runs out of money & to get his clothes , not sure how that will go & I don’t think his dad will give him another chance to live there so he will be back to being homeless. Court is next week , who knows if he will even go.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

Oh no. I am sorry, Helpless.

I will write what I think. I think any help you or his Dad give him, son is using to fuel his addictions and bad choices. As long as drugs are running the show, I think you are wise to keep a distance in all ways. You know already you can't control son, and you can't control what his Dad does either.

It sounds like his Dad and step mom acting appropriately. I don't think it's in son's interest to have shelter provided by anybody except a drug program, sober living home, or jail--the way he is going.

Homelessness and joblessness are the least of his worries. The drugs are the issue. I would even go so far as to say he is safer locked up at this point. He has landed on his feet so many times but he keeps undermining himself, as you well know.

I am so sorry for the pain and worry of all of this. There is NOT A THING in the world that I can think of that you can or should do.

Love, Copa
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I’m sorry about everything happening. Sometimes when a person starts self-destructing, they cannot stop. They spin out of control and continue to do things that will only hurt them. It seems they get into a pattern they can’t get out of.
 
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