Son avoiding home after being released from juvenile hall

[ScentofCedar]

My thoughts and suggestions? I would, if financially possible, rent him an efficiency to stay in, in whatever town he is in currently, until he turns 18.

I agree.

And it isn't about turning away or drawing lines in the sand or any of those things. If your son is determined to rebel against authority, then that is his choice. In the real world, choices have consequences. Whatever those consequences are, he will have to face up to them in the real world. Jail? He will get out eventually. But maybe Star, just maybe...he will do better without an authority figure to focus hostility on.

It's possible.

I remember those stupid treatment centers, too.

Nothing about them was real.

And they DO treat parents as though we are fools unable to manage our children and then, blame the child when they cannot "manage" them, either.

And if I were a kid with problems, what I would want to know more than anything else is what was real ~ what really matters?

How do I navigate in the world, and where the H am I navigating to?

Treatment centers are the worst thing, in my relatively informed opinion, for kids having problems understanding what matters or who they are in the real world.

Kids don't need to be "managed" so much as they need to know what is what.

The structured world of the treatment center (or the patronizing tone of most adult therapists when they are dealing with adolescents) is fake, so fake that of course any kid with a brain rebels.

So if you can, I think you should seriously consider Weeping Willow's suggestion.

It was a good one.

What a crummy morning for you already, Star.

I just had to chuckle when I read how DF reacted, though.

That is exactly what my husband used to say!



Barbara

 

[DDD]

There is no reason for me to tell you how sorry I am...I am sure
after all these years you know how sorry I am AND how much I admire your ongoing efforts. Now....what choices exist? I can
only think of two choices:

1. Have the State workers sign him up for food stamps, medicaid,
etc. etc. and allow him to live independently. (Yes, I know he
is not 18 but I also know that the "system" has ways around every
rule when they want to accomplish a goal.)
2. Have the State seek "out of state" placements for him. I know that the facility in Pa. that Ant attended has a mega web
site and they keep kids until the age of 21 and force them to go
to school etc.

Do NOT let them you in again, Starbie. DDD

 

[Star*]

Everyone - THANK YOU so much. I think when you get this frustrated and tired of thinking the best therapy you can get is from friends who have understanding of what you are suffering through.

Janet - I went to the *** web site, printed out the page and faxed it to the caseworkers office. Thanks so much for your insight.

As far as trying to get him a place of his own or even thinking about paying for it? No. He's emotionally as mature as a 12 year old. As part of his condition of his probation he has to be "housed" somewhere - not alone. But you all had great suggestions. As far as sending him to TX? If I thought he could go that far? I would, but again - it would be like telling a 10-12 year old child to live on his own.

Stands- I had never really noticed - but you're in SC too. Currently my son is near Greenville and his PO is there.

We have asked the people of the home to press charges for damage to the house - NO - don't want the problem/publicity. We have asked them to ask the neighbors he stole bikes from them to press charges (I mean I am asking people to GET my son put back in prison for 6 years here - how insane does that sound?)

I fear that he has done this acting out in an attempt to be sent home. It's the holidays - and he is probably thinking that means something for him so he should be home in my face to remind me he needs things/wants things. No No No, not HO Ho ho.

Thanks for the advice and well wishes every one - isn't it something when you look forward to reading your post and it's responses more than anything you've done so far today? I think if I could take anti-depressants I would start now. Since I can't = I'm going to think happy, positive thoughts.

Hugs
Star

 

[Suz]

Janet/Star/All- just an FYI that I edited out the name of the facility in both of your posts because we don't "name names" either positive or negative. No harm done, it's just safer for the site to be specific privately in pms but not publicly.


Thanks!

Suz :smile:

 

[Steely]

Well, it certainly seems that if it is terms of his probation that he is housed somewhere - the responsibility falls smack dab in the lap of the people that wrote that in as a condition. If they cannot find him housing, than, I would suggest they emancipate him as a legal adult.

If he was emancipated, what do you think would happen if he stayed in a hotel, or had his own apt.? Even 12 year olds can cook microwave dinners, and walk to school or work, etc. I don't know him, but I just wonder what really would happen if there was not that constant authority figure he had to buck. I really wonder if he would dig within himself and start searching for some truth and peace. I mean, maybe he would steal, but why? Since he sounds like he is doing it purely for the attention (which is totally what my kid is about too - without an audience he has nothing).

Just ideas.......again, big hugs, and sending many prayers and thoughts your way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Sorry Suz...

Star...I kinda figured his probation folks probably did have that "housed" thing in there somewhere. Ok...throw it in their laps. We have Title (some odd number) group homes which are locked but they are through probation. NC and SC cannot be geared up that differently...lol. We are only a first name different...North and South! Up here, the probation folks can have the kid ordered into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and that can be in another state if they cant find one in state that will work.

Utah anyone? Caymen islands? By the time he can swim home he will be 18...lol.

On a more serious note...what about attempting to find a foster home...therapeutic, but for a single teen boy on something like a large farm. Maybe if he was the only child there and he had to help work a huge farm, well, it would keep him busy and away from trouble. Couple of thousand acres is a lot to keep busy on.

 

[slsh]

Oh Star - I'm just brainlocked. Only suggestion (picturing myself in your shoes, only with- thank you) I could come up with is lock the doggone doors, turn out the lights, and hide the cars.

Seriously, seems like since he's already been in the "system", there should be someone above delusional PO (yeah, he'll have it done in 3 years) who can look at the multitude of placements he's blown up over the years and understand that there is absolutely no way he can come home. My goodness, your health alone...

I'm more than a little steamed that placement refuses to press charges but are more than happy to pass him along (yet again) so he can destroy someone else's home. Grrrr.

Take care of yourself during this, my friend. I really wish I had something useful to offer but I don't. Unfortunately, case mgr person is right - you have been the *best* at finding placements for him and I think that's why it's falling back on your shoulders.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Coming in late...as usual. Sorry.

DO NOT PAY FOR ANYTHING. DO NOT ALLOW THE STATE TO SUCKER YOU INTO LETTING HIM COME HOME.

Did you hear me?

It's the states's problem, let them figure it out. If these states weren't so stingy in their funding, maybe there would be more services.

I betcha, they'll find a place just until he turns 18 and then turn him loose.

Remember, some kids are for whatever reason...damaged. Some are just broken.

I realize that sounds cold and eyelids maybe popping out. But it's only after having two difficult child's of my own and being on the board for years that I feel I can say that. In my town, one of the school board members adopted a child. They have tried everything that everyone here has done and recently gave him back to the state. The family has to pay child support, and they had to basically be charged with a child abuse abandonment charge in order for this child to have services. This child is younger than falling star though so the state HAS to do something.

You and df have done extraordinary and above and beyond what is probably humanly possible. It's time now to let whatever will be...be.

 

[Star*]

Hi all -

You know collectively and (independently) we are tremendously insightful. Reading and re reading all your posts was like having a brainstorming session (albeit I do not call them THAT when sitting with state workers) with people who had viable solutions to a horrible situation.

The woman who runs the group home is elderly and disabled. My son likes her though. She sat with the caseworker and talked to the PO and decided to give him another chance.

I don't know exactly how I feel about it. IS she doing this because she REALLY cares? Or is she doing it for the money so close to Christmas? (thanks to the system I think like that)

Does she really care about him? See potential in him? WIlling to work one on one with him? (Shrug) dunno.

I did get a call from our caseworker. I told him I had to pull off the road driving home Thursday night. I had an anxiety attack. I was fine when I left work. I guess the silent space in my head rented out chaos for my body without me knowing. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I told the caseworker this and he said "I know - I can't wait for MY daughter to leave our home." (Expletive, expletive WHAT? expletive) I said "Apparently you missed the tone in my voice that this was not 'lets feel sorry for YOU day'. Occasionally I'm known to throw my own pity parties. SHEEZ - I guess I should have said "Gosh your 18 year old that is going to high school, straight A's, drives, has a job? WOW you must be heart broken."

Anywho - they are going to keep Dude, for now. And in the mean time since we ALL KNOW it is NOT going to be the miracle worker in the hills of NC - upon my suggestion are going to look for a new placement for him.

Rolling eyes - gosh - thanks. Oh funny though - he said "YEah when you said why don't I take him to MY house for the week, I bet you find a placement toot suite - I thought NO WAY would I want your kid in MY home." (REALLY CASEWORKER???) hahaha

The things I have been reduced to saying to get my point across are pathetic.

Thanks for listening.
Star

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I really wish I had some advice.

In fact, at this point I wish I drank. I'd have a beer with ya.

Instedz, I cans remindz yoo that de walrus haz de bucket.

 

[meowbunny]

Incredible. It is rare for me to be speechless but your caseworker has me scratching my head and going HUH???? Sorry, guess I'm not used to them comparing their homelife to those of their client's, nor should a parent have to get a point across by saying you take the kid into your home. Okay, I lie. The latter I can imagine because I made that suggestion when I was told it wasn't that bad. At least my SW had the excuse that she was new to my case. Not sure what excuse your CW has -- large ego and basic stupidity?

Well, at least he has a place for another month and they are looking for new placement. Hope they find some alternatives soon. I can't even begin to imagine your pain and frustration. No parent should have to accept their child can never come home. Nothing should ever be that heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

 

[Steely]

BIG sigh of relief coming up from my neck of the woods, to you.
I am so glad, that at least for now, things are going to remain the way they are, and that now, you have a little time, to try and sort this out.

Anxiety attacks are cursed! You really have no idea when they are going to hit, or where you will be - and - whether you are having a heart attack, or not. HATE them!

 

[Star*]

IZZZ mAH bukitt,

.....I think the cat that shaved his moustache took it.


Sunny - I hear ya loud and clear

Meow - I think a little of both

Willow - thanks for your support

BBK - IZZZZ MAH Bukitt. U seen MAH bukitt?

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh hai I haz ur bukkit.

 

[totoro]

Well I little bit O' stress gone for a second... You all can come to Idaho... You and DF can git some land and give Dude a bit of his own to home stead... I have seen some people living off of the land out here who were far below 12 yo status!!! and doing OK!!!
We are a land of Militants, Republicans, Democrats, Libitarians, evetrthing. Come one come all!!! Bring your G'sfg if your done asking for help, just let them run free.

I am glad he did not need to go home!!! Way to say NO!!! YOU DIG!

 

[Hound dog]

Star

I'm sorry I haven't read this post sooner. I've got a nasty virus kicking my butt right now, and my concentration is kupput.

Now as I understand it....

All of the professionals in the state admit to not being able to handle/deal with stardude. So? Flip it back on them. If they can't do it with all their training and resources, how the heck in spades do they think you can manage him at home?

I'm finding it hard to believe there is not a single child up to dude's level of gfgdom in the entire state system.

If you didn't exist, they would have to come up with a solution. Make them.

Sending extra ((((hugs))))

 

[Star*]

I'm finding it hard to believe there is not a single child up to dude's level of gfgdom in the entire state system.

I have been told - there is not by SEVERAL people. Even kids that are difficult child have said - well i can't write that here.

OH and Daisy - glad you are feeling better.


I got a call from the State agency today. They all believe that dude is sabotaging his stay there for the holidays (duh did I say that too?) and have asked me to write him a letter stating my thoughts and feelings. They even offered a psychiatrists help to pen this waste of time (IMVHO)

I think I have said/told/done/shown/survived ALL that I can from difficult child. Anyone think I need to go out on a limb further and waste my time writing a him a letter? (sigh) It's supposed to say WHY I think he should stay there, WHY I think he should complete the program, WHY I KNOW he's not welcome at home ever again, and WHY it's important for him to grow up.

Somewhere I'm supposed to come up with a nurturing page of prose on what he needs to do and why.

-Ah nedz mah bukitt - so I can erp. Kindred spirit indeed!

I guess I will sit down and maybe if anyone here would like to suggest anything to say in this letter it may come from your nice heart instead of my coal black, desperately trying to detach one.

I think:

Dear Son

Merry Christmas. Get yourself together. I'm out of suggestions. You're on your own.
Mom


Sounds good

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

sorry no advice but i don't think your letter sounds like it's coming from someone who has a black heart just someone who's fed up with being used and it's called tough love where i'm from sending you my prayers and hugs love ya

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

My suggestion? Move "Merry Christmas" to the end instead of the beginning. Other than that, I have nothing.

 

[Hound dog]

Not a black heart. Just fed up with being used and abused.

I'd be hard pressed not to find somewhere to take a long sabbatical until that 18th birthday rolls around.


I've got to ask, even if it might be a dumb question, but is antisocial personality disorder enough to have him admitted to a state hospital? I mean, I'd think with all of his documented behaviors you could certainly say they were "antisocial".

Do they really seriously think this letter from you is going to effect dude's behavior?? by the way I think what you wrote is perfect. No point in spending hours on ruffles and such that say the exact same thing.

(I'm still having trouble with the state wanting to send him home because they can't handle him, that just is beyond words)

(((hugs)))