Son avoiding home after being released from juvenile hall
- Thread starter Star*
- Start date
meowbunny
New Member
"Dear Stardude,
I know you want to be home for the holidays but the reality is you can't. I love you but your choices have made it impossible for us to be able to live with you. Sadly, we will always be a household of different addresses. There is no way this can ever change.
I hope you have good holidays where you are or where you will be. You will always be my son. I will always love you. Merry Christmas.
Love,
Star"
Hope Linda doesn't mind if I stole her phrase. It is such a lovely one. Something like this should make the agency happy and maybe get the message across that there is nothing that he can do to come home again.
Will you be seeing him for Christmas or just talking on the phone or nothing? You're doing what is right for everyone, even Stardude though I doubt he will ever believe that.
HUGS
I know you want to be home for the holidays but the reality is you can't. I love you but your choices have made it impossible for us to be able to live with you. Sadly, we will always be a household of different addresses. There is no way this can ever change.
I hope you have good holidays where you are or where you will be. You will always be my son. I will always love you. Merry Christmas.
Love,
Star"
Hope Linda doesn't mind if I stole her phrase. It is such a lovely one. Something like this should make the agency happy and maybe get the message across that there is nothing that he can do to come home again.
Will you be seeing him for Christmas or just talking on the phone or nothing? You're doing what is right for everyone, even Stardude though I doubt he will ever believe that.
HUGS
Star*
call 911........call 911
HWGA - AHhhh protocal!
Witz - Can I replace dust with MUD?
Meow- I like that 'different addresses' phrase. Very nice.
The psychologist has offered to help me - (hahaha) that's almost ALMost an oxymoron. (Ya have to find humor where it hits ya)
Thanks - keep the ideas coming
Witz - Can I replace dust with MUD?
Meow- I like that 'different addresses' phrase. Very nice.
The psychologist has offered to help me - (hahaha) that's almost ALMost an oxymoron. (Ya have to find humor where it hits ya)
Thanks - keep the ideas coming
standswithcourage
New Member
I understand too! My son is in jail at present time. Our house is peaceful. I did write a heartfelt letter and it made me feel better because I got it all out. I wanted him to know it and I thought if that is the last thing I have to do to make myself feel good about the way I raised him - I will do it. He said he got it - we will see.
I dunno, Starbie. How many times can you say the same thing? Having just had this *identical* conversation with thank you and watching it fall on his completely clueless being? Sigh. It's time for them to shape up 'cuz they done been shipped out already. Coming home to live is *not an option*, ever. And that fact is:
a) Not a viable excuse to pull whatever hairbrained stunt they decide to pull next.
b) Does not make us bad/evil/unloving parents.
c) Entirely a reasonable choice on *our* part because we cannot live with *their* choices up close and personal anymore.
d) Inevitable because "adulthood" is fast approaching and it's time they get a clue.
I don't know about Dude, but thank you seems to be stuck in fantasy land. If he just lived at home, all would be rosy and lovely (like it has been before? Heaven spare us that joy!). Anywhere-but-here-itis strikes again.
I've found that I can no longer even hold more than a superficial conversation with my son because he's just itching to tell me his latest stunt. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! I can't control it, I sure as heck am not going to fix it, and knowing just concretes for me the fact that he cannot ever ever ever live here again, in addition to provoking *major* anxiety over the fact that his ability to ever function in the world is most definitely in question.
in my humble opinion, I think this "home for the holidays" junk is just that - junk. I don't know about you, but the last Christmas that thank you actually lived here? Let's just say it involved having to buy keyed locks to keep him away from siblings and a final truly impressive blow up involving vacuum cleaner contents, cat litter, cat food, coffee grounds, broken glass, 4 cops, 3 EMTs, and the village EMS supervisor. I try not to bring it up, ever, but when his whining and complaining gets to be too much I simply have to point out that past history has been a pretty good indicator of things to come and I'm completely tired of hearing "not this time". OK, not this time? Prove it. Do to get. Behave somewhere in the neighborhood of a rational human being in your current placement and then we can talk. Until then... my detachment is fully in place and I am bound and determined not to further traumatize the few remaining members of our family who might possibly have a chance at staying sane.
Ho, ho, ho, and a merry Christmas to you. :bah-humbug: I sometimes think holidays should be banned for difficult children. It just provokes too much nutsiness.
a) Not a viable excuse to pull whatever hairbrained stunt they decide to pull next.
b) Does not make us bad/evil/unloving parents.
c) Entirely a reasonable choice on *our* part because we cannot live with *their* choices up close and personal anymore.
d) Inevitable because "adulthood" is fast approaching and it's time they get a clue.
I don't know about Dude, but thank you seems to be stuck in fantasy land. If he just lived at home, all would be rosy and lovely (like it has been before? Heaven spare us that joy!). Anywhere-but-here-itis strikes again.
I've found that I can no longer even hold more than a superficial conversation with my son because he's just itching to tell me his latest stunt. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! I can't control it, I sure as heck am not going to fix it, and knowing just concretes for me the fact that he cannot ever ever ever live here again, in addition to provoking *major* anxiety over the fact that his ability to ever function in the world is most definitely in question.
in my humble opinion, I think this "home for the holidays" junk is just that - junk. I don't know about you, but the last Christmas that thank you actually lived here? Let's just say it involved having to buy keyed locks to keep him away from siblings and a final truly impressive blow up involving vacuum cleaner contents, cat litter, cat food, coffee grounds, broken glass, 4 cops, 3 EMTs, and the village EMS supervisor. I try not to bring it up, ever, but when his whining and complaining gets to be too much I simply have to point out that past history has been a pretty good indicator of things to come and I'm completely tired of hearing "not this time". OK, not this time? Prove it. Do to get. Behave somewhere in the neighborhood of a rational human being in your current placement and then we can talk. Until then... my detachment is fully in place and I am bound and determined not to further traumatize the few remaining members of our family who might possibly have a chance at staying sane.
Ho, ho, ho, and a merry Christmas to you. :bah-humbug: I sometimes think holidays should be banned for difficult children. It just provokes too much nutsiness.
Steely
Active Member
OK, well here is my spin. Hmmppfff on you writing a letter.........knowing my difficult child he would never read it, but rather enjoy making it into a paper airplane, or spitballs.
So I say, why not difficult child write the letter? Why doesn't HE have to write the letter that explains why he cannot come home for cmas? One that explains what will happen if HE stays on his current collision course of life? And one that explains what will happen when he is 18, and the law is not smiling so leniently on his antics. Perhaps he needs a tour of the local pen, to boot! :shocked:
So I say, why not difficult child write the letter? Why doesn't HE have to write the letter that explains why he cannot come home for cmas? One that explains what will happen if HE stays on his current collision course of life? And one that explains what will happen when he is 18, and the law is not smiling so leniently on his antics. Perhaps he needs a tour of the local pen, to boot! :shocked:
Star*
call 911........call 911
Hey - donchue think I haven't wondered just how bad I'd have to be in a particular location to "stay" there.
I got a call from difficult child yesterday = all tinsel, trees, fa la la la la
And I lost it.
I confronted him about being thrown out of the home, stealing, breaking into the mans garages, the puppy, the lies, the sleeping in until 11:30 - and then he said he had been trying harder after being given a second chance. I told him where they were intending for him to live if he were kicked out of there and THAT was a little shocker. (yeah team). Not home, Not the Ritz Carlton - a worse group home known for it's Department of Juvenile Justice like attitude, bad food, and thugs.
With that Dude said "Momma I'll call you later." I said Fine and hung up - not even an I love you was said between us. And I was in a foul, Christmas canceling, life hating mood for the rest of the evening. Even the dogs came to me and laid across my lap - not an easy feat for mine.
I did call the Group home and the man there told me that since last week difficult child has really been trying. I said WHATEVER. He said that difficult child talks to him more and that earlier that day he found difficult child sitting in the lounge all alone sobbing. When he was asked why he was so upset he said that his family didn't want him for Christmas. When the man said "I'm sure that isn't the case" I asked the man "LOOK - If he can't even treat the people he lives with with respect and decency WHY would I want him here?" and the man said "So you told him you didn't want him for Christmas? He told me in tears he'd be all alone, the only one here." and I said 'Yup you GOT IT." then I asked the man - "If being alone and spending a day crying about missing your family is the thing that helps him realize he needs to grow up - then let it happen, because I've had MORE than one Christmas sitting in my house alone crying over him - mostly NOT being there."
It didnt kill me, but it certainly has gotten me to the point that I'm fine with canceling gift giving, and tree decorating, baking and anything but card giving. I guess that's why giving cards has become so important to me - I choose to have nothing else.
The group home worker said he would talk to Dude but not let him know that we had talked. I'm sure someone is just trying to get out of being at that house for Christmas - sorry, that's YOUR job.
Willow - I really like your idea and I'm putting that into MY letter. Short as it is....I think you're right - I'd like to see what he thinks about having to write us.
Thanks everyone
Star
I got a call from difficult child yesterday = all tinsel, trees, fa la la la la
And I lost it.
I confronted him about being thrown out of the home, stealing, breaking into the mans garages, the puppy, the lies, the sleeping in until 11:30 - and then he said he had been trying harder after being given a second chance. I told him where they were intending for him to live if he were kicked out of there and THAT was a little shocker. (yeah team). Not home, Not the Ritz Carlton - a worse group home known for it's Department of Juvenile Justice like attitude, bad food, and thugs.
With that Dude said "Momma I'll call you later." I said Fine and hung up - not even an I love you was said between us. And I was in a foul, Christmas canceling, life hating mood for the rest of the evening. Even the dogs came to me and laid across my lap - not an easy feat for mine.
I did call the Group home and the man there told me that since last week difficult child has really been trying. I said WHATEVER. He said that difficult child talks to him more and that earlier that day he found difficult child sitting in the lounge all alone sobbing. When he was asked why he was so upset he said that his family didn't want him for Christmas. When the man said "I'm sure that isn't the case" I asked the man "LOOK - If he can't even treat the people he lives with with respect and decency WHY would I want him here?" and the man said "So you told him you didn't want him for Christmas? He told me in tears he'd be all alone, the only one here." and I said 'Yup you GOT IT." then I asked the man - "If being alone and spending a day crying about missing your family is the thing that helps him realize he needs to grow up - then let it happen, because I've had MORE than one Christmas sitting in my house alone crying over him - mostly NOT being there."
It didnt kill me, but it certainly has gotten me to the point that I'm fine with canceling gift giving, and tree decorating, baking and anything but card giving. I guess that's why giving cards has become so important to me - I choose to have nothing else.
The group home worker said he would talk to Dude but not let him know that we had talked. I'm sure someone is just trying to get out of being at that house for Christmas - sorry, that's YOUR job.
Willow - I really like your idea and I'm putting that into MY letter. Short as it is....I think you're right - I'd like to see what he thinks about having to write us.
Thanks everyone
Star
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
Hey {{{Star}}} I don't know how I missed this yesterday.
Just want to add some more hugs and support. I think everyone has offered up the best ideas they can under the circumstances - sorry there is no real answer. I kind of like the idea of having him emancipated. Do you think that would help or hurt?
How are things today?
Just want to add some more hugs and support. I think everyone has offered up the best ideas they can under the circumstances - sorry there is no real answer. I kind of like the idea of having him emancipated. Do you think that would help or hurt?
How are things today?
witzend
Well-Known Member
Emancipation would be nice, but there is no way on God's green earth that Stardude would be able to do that.
In order to be emancipated, a minor has to prove that they are already fully self-sufficient. ie: They have a job, a home that they pay for, money in the bank for emergencies, medical insurance, food in the pantry, and testimony from parents and employers saying that the minor is as responsible as a self-sufficient adult.
Even if Stardude was already doing that, there is no emancipation law on the books in South Carolina, so no judge would grant that.
In order to be emancipated, a minor has to prove that they are already fully self-sufficient. ie: They have a job, a home that they pay for, money in the bank for emergencies, medical insurance, food in the pantry, and testimony from parents and employers saying that the minor is as responsible as a self-sufficient adult.
Even if Stardude was already doing that, there is no emancipation law on the books in South Carolina, so no judge would grant that.
Been there done that Star. When I refused to allow them to bring my difficult child back home after he tried to blind me and threatened to kill me, they threatened me with child abandonment charges. Because of course, I was a bad parent and he was a "good kid who had made a mistake."
Abbey
Spork Queen
We got the same thing all the time...abandonment charges. The last time J lived with us is after a few months on the run. He's smart. He turns himself into a fire station. Police came to my door and I said NO. The threat came and I just held my wrists out and said, "Cuff me." I would rather have been in jail myself than continue on the path we were on. The cop looked at me with these puppy dog eyes like...oh, geez...
how am I going to explain this to the captain?Abbey
Star*
call 911........call 911
Oh Witz - if that were only the case.
I think - (am not sure at all about this) but the descriptions on his moods I'm getting makes me think that he is an emerging BiPolar (BP).
I did get a call today - He was up early, made breakfast, cleaned up after himself and had talked to the "house elf" I call him Dobby.
Here's where it gets (frustrating)for a Mom. When he went to this place we were told there would be a counselor, meetings, mental health, school, Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) trainee he would learn to cook, fill out resumes, ride a bus, manage a bank account. (blah blah blah)
Today he is trying to find a job by CALLING places that I couldn't even get a job at and I have some spanky credentials. So in an effort to try to work at my job, answer the phone AND counsel my son I kindly asked him to shoot for something more appropriate. Not lower - just better suited. And then I told him NOT to call anyone - to go there. He said getting a ride is a problem. I said that is horse clop.
I called our local Salvation Army. I volunteer there and I explained that I needed them to help him figuring tis not their problem - but they actually said they would try to help him. (faint)
UPS and Fed x are hiring package handlers which I think he could do well and at almost twice min. wage - but he has to be 18. Then I sat and thought WHY are you HELPING HIM? ARGH. This is not my battle - but I feel so bad. Really I do. Not guilty - I just feel the overwhelming sense of his unmedicated, moody frustration.
He has been getting up, trying to do what is right, trying to find a job, trying trying trying and he wanted to know "WHY is it Mom that when I try I get knocked down even harder?" I had no answer other than to tell him --just because you are working towards being better - doesn't mean the world should part with it's misery to help you. I still think there is a chance with his rapid mood swings, aggression and sullen demeanor - he could be BiPolar (BP). I have encouraged him to get MH counseling and appointment and asked Dobby to help him - Dobby said "Uh you have ta call the caseworker." :grrr: AND YOU would be getting paid to do WHAT?
Is it just me? Is it just me feeling a twinge of sorry for him? I really do love my son, and I'm trying so very very hard to stay out of this - but when they call YOU and elude to the fact that the people who are supposed to and being paid to help them arent' - and the only other option is to NOT come home - what do you do?
He asked about Christmas - I said "I dunno" and he said "Just another day Mom - don't worry about me." Then he called DF and asked him for a phone number and said "Mom told me she was pretty much canceling Christmas." Three minutes later DF (The original Scrooge) and said "What is going on? No Christmas?" and I said "Nope - you finally got your wish - a season without a tree, without the first bit of decorations, and I'm not making dinner either!"
I fear a talk coming on when I return home tonight. Except for the cards? You'd think we didn't celebrate at all - It may be like you said SLSH - I'm so over being disappointed by EVERY holiday - I'm lowering my expectations and using a sharpie to mark every holiday off my 2008 calendar. Maybe the year will be easier if I expect very little from it.
Who would have EVER thought it would get to this?
I think - (am not sure at all about this) but the descriptions on his moods I'm getting makes me think that he is an emerging BiPolar (BP).
I did get a call today - He was up early, made breakfast, cleaned up after himself and had talked to the "house elf" I call him Dobby.
Here's where it gets (frustrating)for a Mom. When he went to this place we were told there would be a counselor, meetings, mental health, school, Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) trainee he would learn to cook, fill out resumes, ride a bus, manage a bank account. (blah blah blah)
Today he is trying to find a job by CALLING places that I couldn't even get a job at and I have some spanky credentials. So in an effort to try to work at my job, answer the phone AND counsel my son I kindly asked him to shoot for something more appropriate. Not lower - just better suited. And then I told him NOT to call anyone - to go there. He said getting a ride is a problem. I said that is horse clop.
I called our local Salvation Army. I volunteer there and I explained that I needed them to help him figuring tis not their problem - but they actually said they would try to help him. (faint)
UPS and Fed x are hiring package handlers which I think he could do well and at almost twice min. wage - but he has to be 18. Then I sat and thought WHY are you HELPING HIM? ARGH. This is not my battle - but I feel so bad. Really I do. Not guilty - I just feel the overwhelming sense of his unmedicated, moody frustration.
He has been getting up, trying to do what is right, trying to find a job, trying trying trying and he wanted to know "WHY is it Mom that when I try I get knocked down even harder?" I had no answer other than to tell him --just because you are working towards being better - doesn't mean the world should part with it's misery to help you. I still think there is a chance with his rapid mood swings, aggression and sullen demeanor - he could be BiPolar (BP). I have encouraged him to get MH counseling and appointment and asked Dobby to help him - Dobby said "Uh you have ta call the caseworker." :grrr: AND YOU would be getting paid to do WHAT?
Is it just me? Is it just me feeling a twinge of sorry for him? I really do love my son, and I'm trying so very very hard to stay out of this - but when they call YOU and elude to the fact that the people who are supposed to and being paid to help them arent' - and the only other option is to NOT come home - what do you do?
He asked about Christmas - I said "I dunno" and he said "Just another day Mom - don't worry about me." Then he called DF and asked him for a phone number and said "Mom told me she was pretty much canceling Christmas." Three minutes later DF (The original Scrooge) and said "What is going on? No Christmas?" and I said "Nope - you finally got your wish - a season without a tree, without the first bit of decorations, and I'm not making dinner either!"
I fear a talk coming on when I return home tonight. Except for the cards? You'd think we didn't celebrate at all - It may be like you said SLSH - I'm so over being disappointed by EVERY holiday - I'm lowering my expectations and using a sharpie to mark every holiday off my 2008 calendar. Maybe the year will be easier if I expect very little from it.
Who would have EVER thought it would get to this?
VLong
New Member
Star,
I sure wish The Island of Misfit Toys and my house were closer, just so I could come over and give you a bunch of much needed hugs!!
Ya know, I've been feeling all out of sorts this year regarding Christmas. I'm sure that it has to do with Travis being killed in our front yard and one of my sales reps committing suicide 3 weeks ago (ya think?!) Anyway, what I am not so eloquently saying is I completley agree with you about canceling Christmas. My husband, as much as I love him, has never really been a Christmas kind of guy. But I do understand, because he feels the true meaning of Christmas is so lost these days and it is. Which is why, I too, get so much pleasure from the card giving. Maybe canceling Christmas is a good thing for you this year. It's only "a day" and I am going to try and do something to celebrate everyday, not just one day. Even if it is something so trivial as buying a chocolate bar and inhaling it without guilt, or laughing more, crying more...oh I don't really know where this is going, but I just wanted you to know I care.
Stardude will see the light some day. I truly believe that. And it will be on his terms. Also, if you didn't try and help with the job it just wouldn't be who you are. You have mastered detachment so much better than I ever could, but you are still his mom and you love him.
Hang in there and Merry Christmas, my friend...we will get through it!
I sure wish The Island of Misfit Toys and my house were closer, just so I could come over and give you a bunch of much needed hugs!!
Ya know, I've been feeling all out of sorts this year regarding Christmas. I'm sure that it has to do with Travis being killed in our front yard and one of my sales reps committing suicide 3 weeks ago (ya think?!) Anyway, what I am not so eloquently saying is I completley agree with you about canceling Christmas. My husband, as much as I love him, has never really been a Christmas kind of guy. But I do understand, because he feels the true meaning of Christmas is so lost these days and it is. Which is why, I too, get so much pleasure from the card giving. Maybe canceling Christmas is a good thing for you this year. It's only "a day" and I am going to try and do something to celebrate everyday, not just one day. Even if it is something so trivial as buying a chocolate bar and inhaling it without guilt, or laughing more, crying more...oh I don't really know where this is going, but I just wanted you to know I care.
Stardude will see the light some day. I truly believe that. And it will be on his terms. Also, if you didn't try and help with the job it just wouldn't be who you are. You have mastered detachment so much better than I ever could, but you are still his mom and you love him.
Hang in there and Merry Christmas, my friend...we will get through it!
Anna1345
New Member
Lone Ranger-- I have been commenting little but reading more. Of course I am not you and haven't lived the day in day out like you, but I want to give my view here as I have seen it so far....
There is nothing wrong with helping son learn how to help himself when he is making an effort. It seems he really is trying and needs the tools to do better in life. Better to come from you then anyone right? You do have his best interest at heart regardless of what has happened in the past. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you are giving in because you offer sound advice to a person who is trying on his own accord. There is nothing weak about that nor is there anything wrong with it.
Remember, forgoing motherhood for a moment, I believe we are here on this earth to help those who can not help themselves or who can not speak up for themselves. Helping someone is not doing it for them.
Hang in there! You are doing a GREAT job! Trust your gut and keep your heart open (but guarded)....
There is nothing wrong with helping son learn how to help himself when he is making an effort. It seems he really is trying and needs the tools to do better in life. Better to come from you then anyone right? You do have his best interest at heart regardless of what has happened in the past. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you are giving in because you offer sound advice to a person who is trying on his own accord. There is nothing weak about that nor is there anything wrong with it.
Remember, forgoing motherhood for a moment, I believe we are here on this earth to help those who can not help themselves or who can not speak up for themselves. Helping someone is not doing it for them.
Hang in there! You are doing a GREAT job! Trust your gut and keep your heart open (but guarded)....
