Son is out of the house

[TerryJ2]

We kicked him out the day after Thanksgiving. He was constantly high, stealing from us, and obnoxious. He stole cash from the purse of one of our Thanksgiving guests. How embarrassing.
Just got a call from him. He is at school, in the guidance counselor's office, filling out paperwork to get his GED. I chatted a bit, but he didn't want to answer any questions. He said he's about to get a job at "a food restaurant," but wouldn't tell me where. I assume it's McDonald's. He also still does not have a phone, so he used the school phone. He will take a pre-test for the GED to see if he passes and is ready, or if he has to take a cpl classes at night in areas where he is weak. He says he has no interest in the rest of his medications, and no interest in any of his clothing, even though I told him that we have some expensive items saved here for him. And no interest in rehab. He just wants to do it ALL on his own. The hard way. I asked if he wanted to go out for coffee on Christmas and he said no, he'd spend it alone. He didn't want to spend time with people who didn't even wish him a happy birthday. I told him that I did, but he said it was the day before. Well, a little difficult when he doesn't have a phone, but you know how everything is always someone else's fault. And I did give him a card and gift, even though it was four days early. Before we hung up I told him that I loved him and he said he loved me. That's it.

 

[TerryJ2]

He just called back and gave me a long speech about how angry he is, how detached from the family, and how much better he is doing without us. I told him that is a good thing, and what kids are supposed to do--go out on their own.
Just not in this manner. And that in a few yrs he'll feel differently.
He said no, he won't.
I know better. (First of all, he called back from a cell phone. He wants no contact but he calls me twice in one day.)
He also said that he carries a gun for safety. I asked him if he'd taken lessons and he said no. I told him he needed lessons, and to keep it away from his daughter.
Nothing I can do about it.
We wished one another Merry Christmas and that was it.
So, I'm sitting here crying, but it is what it is.
Going North and others who wanted this to happen, just thought I'd give you an update.

I wish I had the energy to check out all of your notes but this is all I can handle right now.

If he ever contacts us again when he's "straight," I'll come back to the board. But I suspect that will be several yrs from now and most of you will have left the board.

Take care.

 

[SuZir]

Oh, Terry!

You must be feeling terrible. But he seems to be somewhat okay and it may be needed that he tries to do it all his own way. And at least, I hope, it is little less tense in your house. Sometimes it is a great thing not to know all that is going on, because in all likelihood big parts of all the drama will resolve itself.

Try to consider this a breather. Usually these situations are not the end but just a break...

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Terry,

I have been wondering how you are. I am so sorry it came to what it did. I know how hard that is.

We all have to do this in our own time. It's very easy for someone else to say what should happen but again, we each have to do what we can live with and on our own time frame.

You have tried so hard with your son.

I have no doubt that he will be in touch with you. I think right now he's feeling very hurt. I went through this with my son too.

Hang in there Terry!! I'm glad you posted.

((HUGS)) to you...........

 

[Calamity Jane]

Just sending love and caring hugs, Terry. I know this must be so hard for you.

 

[pasajes4]

Terry, There is not a person on this board that ever want things to get to this point. We all want our children to make the natural progression of home, college/job, on their own thriving. the problem with some of our cds is that there is a disconnect in this process. It is usually fueled by mental illness and sometimes drug use/ abuse. We find that the more we try to help or do for them that it just does not work. They get the message that we don't believe they are capable of doing for themselves and they get increasingly angry and this in turn becomes an attitude of 'well 'f' it" and they begin to push back even harder by stealing and major rule/law breaking. We become resentful and try to push our agenda on them with increasing anger and force. It becomes a huge mess for everyone. It is sometimes necessary to part company and it is usually ugly and hurtful for both sides. I would be very concerned if he does have a gun.

 

[Tired and Hopeful]

Hugs, Terry. Most of us have been there and know exactly how you feel. Over the years I have debated, argued and screamed at/with myself over whether it is better to know what goes on with our kids when they are not at home, or whether it is better to know nothing. I still do not know which is best, but we just have to take whatever comes our way.

 

[New Leaf]

Sending loving thoughts, hugs and support Terry, I am so sorry for your heart ache.
Please take care and post again when you feel up to it. We support and feel for one another. Everyone has to live their own lives and make decisions accordingly. I know some opinions are strong, and may come across as harsh. Sometimes I have posted when I have had a bad day, or hit an angry space with my d c's, and I need to be more careful of that.

I do not think anyone here wishes anyone else the pain and misery we all have suffered.

I think we are all at different cross sections of this horrific journey, some battle scarred and a bit toughened, others still feeling the pain of the wounds, fragile and sensitive.
We are quite the mix of parent warriors.
I know how tough and heart wrenching this all is. I truly appreciate your sharing your story, and hope to see you in the future posting, be it joyous news of recovery, or continued venting.
Either way, the sharing helps us all learn and grow, despite the challenges we all face.

Take care fellow warrior, I am sad for your hardship, but relieved to see your post, and hope to hear from you again, soon.

You are a valued CD fellow Mom and sister.
(((Hugs)))

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hugs Terry.

Whether you go, or stay, or occasionally lurk...

SOME of us will still be here. Please come back whenever you need to. I'm sure there's a few others around like me... I don't post a lot any more, and don't necessarily come every day, but I do check in, because I know people on this board, and because there may be some new person I can relate to as well.

 

[Origami]

Hi Terry,
I don't post much anymore either since my two d c's have calmed down somewhat. The older one is still an addict, and the younger one is still the king of slackers. I did want to thank you, though, for helping me through some of the rougher times when I was dealing with some major issues with both of them. I hope you'll stay around, but understand if you need to take a break. Your insight is valuable. I'll probably be here in the shadows for quite a while, myself.

Hugs from me, and hoping that you can find some peace in the difficult situation with your son.

 

[nlj]

Oh Terry

Hugs and more hugs

Keep posting. It's now, when he's out of the house, that you need your friends here, as much as when the in-house madness was happening.

It's odd this 'no-contact, doing it on their own' thing that they tell us about, at the same time as phoning us twice a day.

 

[compassion]

Terry, Great to hear from you!

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Terry...I'm so sorry. I know you hoped for a much better outcome. Many, many hugs.

 

[Wiped Out]

Terry-I don't look at the PE board often (even though both my kids are over 18 difficult child doesn't seem to fit here-more younger difficult child stuff for now) but checked in today and saw this. However, of course, I remember you well from general before your difficult child turned 18. I'm sorry things are so rough right now and will keep you in my thoughts. Sending some gentle hugs.

 

[Tired Mom]

Oh Terry I am sorry to hear this. I know my son walked out after we drugged tested him and it came up positive for several drugs. He didn't have a phone, quit the job he had been working at and didn't tell us where he had moved. I cried so much not knowing whether my son was dead or alive. My son said he didn't need us. In my sons case it only took a few months for his life to totally fall apart and he did need us. I don't think if my son hadn't moved out he ever would have gone to rehab. I see that as the one positive of all the pain we went through. I see it as a positive that your son is doing the work on his own to get a GED. I don't think my son would have done that. A gun would have freaked me out but guns in general scare me. Hugs.

 

[ksm]

I am glad you updated us, and I hope that you can have a calm, peaceful holiday. It is hard when you are dealing with so much. Here is hoping for some positive changes in the coming year.

KSM

 

[Lil]

Going North and others who wanted this to happen, just thought I'd give you an update.

Oh Terry - I'm sure no one wanted this to happen - no one ever wants these things to happen to anyone. It's often inevitable and perhaps some thought the time had come. But don't think for one minute that anyone wanted it. We all know that here is no pain like this and I don't believe anyone wished it on you.

You're right, he clearly is NOT as detached as he says - since he keeps calling. He is very young - like mine - and it's so hard to watch them have to do it the hard way. Like you, I we put ours out (October for us) and like you, the holidays were coming up. In our favor was the fact that ours promptly went to a shelter - but at least your is talking about a job!

Some of these kids have to do everything the hard way. I do believe that sometimes they learn. Hold on to that. Keep the lines of communication open. Let him make his mistakes. Try not to push - that's the hardest thing for me - trying to not "remind" him of everything from going to work to brushing his teeth. Trying not to "help".

I know this holiday will be hard. I hope you manage a few peaceful moments. Keep in mind, he is okay - he's actually doing some things that are positive - taking it upon himself to try to get the GED is huge! My kid would have just not finished I think. Getting a job - that's really something. He is doing it the hard way - but he's doing it. Try to find some comfort in that.

 

[BusynMember]

Terry, nobody wanted this to escalate to this. I want to leave you with some comfort.

All adult kids are different, but my daughter who did drugs was just as messed up at 18 as your son is. Yet at 19, almost 20 she decided to quit drugs. When I had to make her lelave, although she had a place to stay, she screamed, "I will hate you forever."

For three weeks I cried and felt like the walking dead.

Your son may decide to turn it around at any time.

This group is not about wishing bad things on one another's children.

Hugs and hope things turn around and hope you get to see your granddaughter...that can help.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Terry,

So sorry this has happened.

I am impressed that he is, on his own, looking into getting his GED done.

And getting a job. He wasn't doing this when he was at your house.

Maybe he just needs to try things his way for a while. If they don't work out, he may come back a bit more humble.

I do have to note, though, that my step-son is doing MUCH better since we and his mom stopped the revolving door and he has had to make it on his own. He has kept a job for well over a year, now, and is currently renting a room from a mostly-reformed Difficult Child who he works with. The guy has had difficulties (mostly of his own making) and has been working through them and our Difficult Child is coming to see how his own problems are mostly of his own making. This has been a positive learning process.

Please continue to post, when you can. WE do care.

Apple

by the way--I think Terry is referring to the fact that may of us had counseled her to kick her son out at various times. I don't think she meant that people were wishing ill on her and her family.

 

[Kalahou]

This has been a positive learning process.

I’ve gained a new positive perspective on this site that has shown me what a great "gift" we make to our children in asking them to leave our home … Change the outlook … It is NOT “kicking our kids out”, but rather … making them leave the nest to give them freedom, space and wings to fly … to give them the opportunity to experience challenges and responsibilities to mature and step into their manhood. This is what I daily try to affirm . But as with any “gift”, the receiver can use it and appreciate it when and how they choose and have the need.
I see this is as a hopeful step forward, Terry.