Son is out.
- Thread starter Littleboylost
- Start date
ColleenB
Active Member
I am so sorry.... I can't imagine ( or I can) how upset you and your husband must be right now.
I don't have any great wisdom as we really don't have a clue if how we are handling our sons addiction is "the right way" but I do understand your pain and your feelings of total helplessness....
Even when I knew he was dealing ( and he probably still is) I decided to keep his phone. We tried that for a few months , he was living out at the time and I was losing so much sleep thinking he was dead or in trouble and couldn't get ahold of us... he also has depression/ anxiety and we have lost a friends son to suicide in the last few years... I was a wreck, couldn't sleep at all. That's when I decided to always pay his phone. I needed to be able to know he was at least alive. He usually will always respond and let me know.
Something he said to me a few months back on the day I took him to detox was " how did I come from a home like this and turn out like this?" It's a question I ask almost daily.... how did it all go so wrong? I see others his age and younger doing so well, and it actually hurts my heart. He was here yesterday for supper and he looks so sad and so not healthy. I don't have any idea how much he is using. He could be in full blown addiction for all I know, or he could be suffering from severe depression..... I can't tell the difference anymore. I worry everyday is the day I get a visit from police.
I pray for peace for you and your husband. This is a hell I would wish on no one... ever...
I don't have any great wisdom as we really don't have a clue if how we are handling our sons addiction is "the right way" but I do understand your pain and your feelings of total helplessness....
Even when I knew he was dealing ( and he probably still is) I decided to keep his phone. We tried that for a few months , he was living out at the time and I was losing so much sleep thinking he was dead or in trouble and couldn't get ahold of us... he also has depression/ anxiety and we have lost a friends son to suicide in the last few years... I was a wreck, couldn't sleep at all. That's when I decided to always pay his phone. I needed to be able to know he was at least alive. He usually will always respond and let me know.
Something he said to me a few months back on the day I took him to detox was " how did I come from a home like this and turn out like this?" It's a question I ask almost daily.... how did it all go so wrong? I see others his age and younger doing so well, and it actually hurts my heart. He was here yesterday for supper and he looks so sad and so not healthy. I don't have any idea how much he is using. He could be in full blown addiction for all I know, or he could be suffering from severe depression..... I can't tell the difference anymore. I worry everyday is the day I get a visit from police.
I pray for peace for you and your husband. This is a hell I would wish on no one... ever...
wisernow
wisernow
yes he will up the ante. I am from Ontario. He can get emergency welfare and there are many shelters around as well as places that feed these kids. In our previous life our family used to volunteer together at Out of the Cold making meals and serving the homeless. I used to say there is a very fine line that separates our lots in life between having a home or not and much of it is based on choices. How ironic that my own son now frequents many of these spots. Stay strong, take one day at a time. Him barricading you in his room is a form of violence. It will get worse if you don't set your boundaries now and stick to them. Hugs and strength to you and hubby. these are turbulent waters but they will calm eventually.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Thank you wiser. I go through a gambit of emotions about this. I feel in my heart this is the right thing to do as he is manipulating and not facing his issues. He refuses to see he has a problem at all. I do feel the drugs mixed with the Conduct Disorder have his thinking all messed up. He is truly ugly when he is using and craving drugs. We have seen what lengths he will go to to lie about his addiction. Thank you for the suggestions and support. The part that really bothers me is he is 100% on his own. There are no grandparents or family to step in and support him. You are right there are resources. He needs to tap into them.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
I know that it is scary to think of him being out there on his own.
I have learned from Al-Anon and CODA that this is exactly what our loved ones must do in order to hit their bottom and want a better life for themselves. It is by letting them sink or swim alone, with no help, that they realize they will die if they continue using drugs. It is hard on us too, maybe harder on us than on them in some ways since we can see the danger where they cannot. But it helps me to remember: DS has to live his life. I have my own life that I'm living. I made plenty of mistakes and without them I would not be who I am today, I would not value the life I have made as much if I had not made it MYSELF by CHOICE.
It is harder than one might think to die, anything short of that will be a lesson that makes him stronger, and it will make your whole family stronger as well.
If you want this to stop happening, forever - my guess is being on his own, totally and completely, is the path forward.
Hugs to you.
I have learned from Al-Anon and CODA that this is exactly what our loved ones must do in order to hit their bottom and want a better life for themselves. It is by letting them sink or swim alone, with no help, that they realize they will die if they continue using drugs. It is hard on us too, maybe harder on us than on them in some ways since we can see the danger where they cannot. But it helps me to remember: DS has to live his life. I have my own life that I'm living. I made plenty of mistakes and without them I would not be who I am today, I would not value the life I have made as much if I had not made it MYSELF by CHOICE.
It is harder than one might think to die, anything short of that will be a lesson that makes him stronger, and it will make your whole family stronger as well.
If you want this to stop happening, forever - my guess is being on his own, totally and completely, is the path forward.
Hugs to you.
I am glad that you and your husband stuck by your contract and made him leave. Kudos for drinking the fake samples he gave you! What an idiot for trying to pass those off as actual samples anyway!
As for how he gets to work, isn't that his problem? If he really needs an answer, tell him to use his UPCs - Urban Personnel Carriers (aka shoes) and get himself there. You can actually get to almost anywhere using UPCs. It takes a while, depending on how far you have to go, but it can be done.
It is all just more nonsense to throw at you to try to get you to let him come back home. Don't let him come back until/unless he has been clean for a good long time, meaning months or a year. Why? He needs to see how tough the world is, and how using really isn't a good life. He needs to break those habits for good before life gets easy for him again.
I hope his bail officer supports you and doesn't give you a hard time. If he gives you a hard time, let him know that your son put his hands on you and then barricaded himself in his room, also threatened you and you feared for your life while he was in your home. Let bail officer know you won't live that way ever, and no one had the right to ask you to live that way!
I am sorry your son put you through all of this. Our kids are MUCH more resourceful than we think, and they are rarely as miserable as they make themselves sound to us.
As for how he gets to work, isn't that his problem? If he really needs an answer, tell him to use his UPCs - Urban Personnel Carriers (aka shoes) and get himself there. You can actually get to almost anywhere using UPCs. It takes a while, depending on how far you have to go, but it can be done.
It is all just more nonsense to throw at you to try to get you to let him come back home. Don't let him come back until/unless he has been clean for a good long time, meaning months or a year. Why? He needs to see how tough the world is, and how using really isn't a good life. He needs to break those habits for good before life gets easy for him again.
I hope his bail officer supports you and doesn't give you a hard time. If he gives you a hard time, let him know that your son put his hands on you and then barricaded himself in his room, also threatened you and you feared for your life while he was in your home. Let bail officer know you won't live that way ever, and no one had the right to ask you to live that way!
I am sorry your son put you through all of this. Our kids are MUCH more resourceful than we think, and they are rarely as miserable as they make themselves sound to us.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Culturana thank you for your kind words of support, it really helps especially wake he is serial calling and texting begging to come home or have $$. Nothing will change he will be the same arrogant drug using manipulative liar again and again. The more I say this and write it the more it helps me. I love him I have compassion for him but he has got to walk this path on his own.
Susiestar. I love UPCs. That what he did last. It might and today is rely upon his UPCs
Susiestar. I love UPCs. That what he did last. It might and today is rely upon his UPCs
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry you are going thru this, LBL.
This is easy for me to say and apparently quite hard for me to do, since I let son move back so many times before I finally had enough...
BUT, for what it's worth, I wish we hadn't. So this is just my opinion -- You told him what would happen if he was involved in drugs. He chose to be involved in drugs, so it happened. He has no right to beg for anything. If he wants help, send him info on agencies that provide it, then turn off the phone.
This is easy for me to say and apparently quite hard for me to do, since I let son move back so many times before I finally had enough...
BUT, for what it's worth, I wish we hadn't. So this is just my opinion -- You told him what would happen if he was involved in drugs. He chose to be involved in drugs, so it happened. He has no right to beg for anything. If he wants help, send him info on agencies that provide it, then turn off the phone.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Thanks so kindly Albi I made myself eat dinner ....shouldn't have. The pain and angst we feel that they will never comprehend! I did turn my ringer for him off and the notifcation for his texts. Tough nut husband is standing firm in support of this move.
The gaslighting is unreal. He doesn't do drugs he dosent sell drugs, he gave us irine samples twice that were clean....it's enough to make your head spin. I am grateful I work tomorrow.
wisernow
wisernow
thinking of you ! You are not alone and you are doing the right thing! Think of this as the hardest hardest gift you will ever give to him.... a piece of your heart to help him save his life. He either gets off the drugs or doesn't. Its his choice . I buried my head in the sand for too long to avoid the pain of setting my boundaries. It always came back to bite me. Finally i realized that i needed to walk through the fire much as you are doing now to show him that enough was enough. It broke me and broke us but guess what.? We all carried on and are piecing life back together on different terms. You and hubby stay tight, seek therapy and get the support you need. Son will come around on his time. There is nothing you can do to change that. You have given him everything. One day he will realize that. Hugs.
pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
LBL, you are bad 
! I'm glad you drew out trauma nurse Ratchet for this drama. Cope with the drama and then fall apart later; it's the only way to handle the truly difficult moments in life.
Many warm hugs for your aching heart.
He will survive. He will survive. . .
! I'm glad you drew out trauma nurse Ratchet for this drama. Cope with the drama and then fall apart later; it's the only way to handle the truly difficult moments in life. Many warm hugs for your aching heart.
He will survive. He will survive. . .
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Just heading into work. Son begging to come home I turned my phone off for his calls and texts. He sent a message this morning saying he is all settled in to a Bun Camp. No clue what that is it probably an illegal camp of sorts. I just said gal story safe and told him he better clear that with his bail officer. I feel sick to my stomach but it is what it is. He is still manipulating. Where ever he is now has wifi his text switched to I message, only does that on WiFi
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I am cycling between keeping my poop in a group and breaking down into puddles of tears. It is was it is. He is not ready to address his issues or change. Not by a long shot.LBL, you are bad
Many warm hugs for your aching heart.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
As predicted, he is finding a way to survive. Stay strong, cry your tears, let your husband hold you and you hold him. Stick together. You are doing this to save his life. He will end up overdosing in your home otherwise, stealing from you and lying to you along the way.
Years from now he will thank you for this.
Hang on!!
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Thank you I need strength right now. The insceant begging and promising is so horrible.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Teriobe
Our court system for youth is rediculous. The courts guilted us into posting his bail and they knew he was dealing and didn't charge him ....because he was a youth and this was his first offense....many fines and warnings also a diversion for stealing our car....he didn't last 3 days and he was snorting oxy in his bedroom. I rescinded bail will never do it again. He does all sorts of crap and is bail will never get pulled by the youth association that holds his bond!! What is this teaching them!! They guilted is into keeping him at home also. For what purpose. Cutting him lose would introduce him more criminal elements. Well I think he has made a pretty good introduction on his own, second, choices. See it and be it....that's your choice ....see it learn from it and seek help and a better life is also a choice. When I look back to the last 7 weeks which I just finished describing to a girlfriend I can't believe we are still sane (barely mind you). For those on here that have been through this for years my heart goes out to you.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Hi Colleen B
Thank you for the kind words today was a hell storm of pleading, bargaining and manipulation. Anything from I don't do drugs .....seriously ....it was one mistake....hmmm nope.....I am sorry....that you got caught! Again!! I will do a drug test .....so sad too bad you had your chance. I empathize with him he is in the throws of addiction. I have to maintain my boundaries. Detaching with love and pray he is able to find a road to recovery and when he does we will be here for him. He refuses to call social assisted housing. He knows they will relocate him out of the region to get him away from his drug circle. He would rather be on the streets. I write because it makes me stronger. I was a train wreck of areas anxiety and tears today.
Husband is holding up well!! I am so grateful. He was is denial and I knew that. He is now understanding that this is our ASs choice and nothing we do could make any difference. He will either see the light and truly seek rehab or will burn out and fade away with drugs. His choice.