Son is out.
- Thread starter Littleboylost
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
lBl. If you have failed as as a mother the rest of us have too. Are you saying that, that we have failed? I struggle not with the sense I have failed as a mother but with the sense I have failed at life because my son is not thriving which is a variation on your theme.
These are moments in time. We are learning to step back and calm ourselves. This is what supports our children. Not accusing ourselves.
Drug use is epidemic. It is not about mothers. 50 years ago psychiatrists blamed mothers for causing schizophrenia. Really?
You are doing phenomenally. Have a great tine. You deserve it. Really.
These are moments in time. We are learning to step back and calm ourselves. This is what supports our children. Not accusing ourselves.
Drug use is epidemic. It is not about mothers. 50 years ago psychiatrists blamed mothers for causing schizophrenia. Really?
You are doing phenomenally. Have a great tine. You deserve it. Really.
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Your son thinks he is still in control. When he gets desperate enough, rehab will not look so bad. Stay strong. He needs to realize his only option is rehab and sober living aftercare.
Do not give in. You will be setting yourself up for years of a being on the rollercoaster from hell. I have been on it and and am so glad I finally got off.
The good news is that the horrible way he is acting is the drugs talking. My daughter was the exact same way for the entire time she was in active addiction. Now that she has been sober for 17 months, she is a completely different person. Or maybe I should say that she is now really the person that was in there all of the time but being masked by drug use.
Turn off your phone. Block his texts and calls. Tell him that you will only talk with him when he is in a residential treatment center. Outpatient doesn't work for a person actively using drugs/alcohol. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you. He can only treat you badly if you allow it.
As far as the phone question, that has been a topic of disagreement on the SA forum for years. Personally, I stopped paying for a phone for my daughter when she was a teenager and she has never been without one even during the long years of active addiction. If they can get money for drugs, they can pay for a cheap phone. Any money that you save them from having to pay for a phone is used for drugs. So, in my opinion, you are indirectly buying his drugs for him.
However, many on the board feel like the phone is a way that they can keep in contact with their loved one and know that they child is alive. I get that. So basically it comes down to what you feel comfortable with. There is no right or wrong on this one.
~Kathy
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OP, no offense as I know you care, but I get the impression you are enabling him. Any money/items you give him is going towards drugs. He is also manipulating you as the weak link in the family, and will try to continue to do so to get money. Detach and don't take his phone calls, as they won't be productive at all and end up with him blaming you or demanding money. He has to sink or swim at this point. Paying for his phone is a comfortable medium, but paying for anything beyond that (ie hotel room, car, food card, clothes) is essentially just giving him more to inject in his arm or take orally. He has to hit rock bottom and then go from there.
I know it is hard, and our hearts go out to you. Stay strong
I know it is hard, and our hearts go out to you. Stay strong
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Son is texting ranting puttingus in a FOG (of fear guilt and obligation). He still has no place to stay said social services won't help him (not true of course they would). We are still the bad guys. He says he has no money and no drugs and everybody does pot. Can't see his own issues and actions are the cause of his being out of our home. Says he won't be able to attend school...could amange it if he wanted it. Demanding to come home and says we are holding a grudge against him. He is not ready. Even if he isn't taking drugs, ifbhe had money he would be. Standing strong and firm he has to figure this out for himself.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
LBL
So sorry as I cannot imagine how hard this is on you.
He cannot live the way he wants to live in your home. Why would you allow that? We would not allow it with our son either.
It's not the way we want our life to be - without him in it - but for right now it is our reality and we have to accept it.
If things were different he'd be with you right now enjoying the tranquility.
Our son would be with us going to school and working. He'd have "his family" that he always talks about missing. Well when he was with us he treated us like the furniture. It's all his doing.
Hugs.
So sorry as I cannot imagine how hard this is on you.
He cannot live the way he wants to live in your home. Why would you allow that? We would not allow it with our son either.
It's not the way we want our life to be - without him in it - but for right now it is our reality and we have to accept it.
If things were different he'd be with you right now enjoying the tranquility.
Our son would be with us going to school and working. He'd have "his family" that he always talks about missing. Well when he was with us he treated us like the furniture. It's all his doing.
Hugs.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
It is tough and I agree 100% there is no remourse only angry demands and blame. No accountability.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
On a brighter note we both slept so so well here at the cottage. We had a lovely visitor last evening a little deer right st our deck. Reading and enjoying each other's company. A part of me wanted to let son home. Posting here has kept me strong.
Whenever he contacts you, ask yourself "what is he trying to manipulate me to get?" It sounds like you are the person with the most empathy in the family, so yes, he will target you most in attempts to manipulate/lie/deceive/coerce you. Don't get duped. Put yourself in his position and it will be very easy to see what he is trying to get out of you and why. Also, as he gets more desperate, he will change tactics, so learning to read facial body language can also help to distinguish if someone is being sincere. If he is saying he is going to change or go to therapy or something else of that nature, make him pass a drug test first, and grade his sincerity. Manipulation often uses kind tones and words, but the facial expression will be at a disconnect (ie his face will be saying he is lying when he has the right words and tone). If he shakes his head back and forth, that is indicative of lying, as well as deep blinking. There are lots of other microexpressions our faces make that we have no control over, and this can be very helpful in a face to face encounter.
One can't control his or her microexpressions on the face, and that is why that is a great tool to use when you are dealing with someone has no guilt/remorse/shame with lying.
If you watch interviews with serial killers where they ask them about their families, and if they were abused as a child, the psychopath will almost always vehemently deny it and talk about how much their family loved them and were Christian and great role models. Then you compare that to their eyes and head movement saying "I'm lying" and it becomes quite obvious. The interview with Ted Bundy a few hours before his execution is a good example of this.
One can't control his or her microexpressions on the face, and that is why that is a great tool to use when you are dealing with someone has no guilt/remorse/shame with lying.
If you watch interviews with serial killers where they ask them about their families, and if they were abused as a child, the psychopath will almost always vehemently deny it and talk about how much their family loved them and were Christian and great role models. Then you compare that to their eyes and head movement saying "I'm lying" and it becomes quite obvious. The interview with Ted Bundy a few hours before his execution is a good example of this.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
N64
Mine Difficult Child isn't evening feaning remourse. He is still angry and demanding and accusing us of his situation being all our fault. He has done nothing wrong and if he has it was our fault. Not going to work this time.
I agree about the disconnect. My son negates to realize he should be done school. He is the one who failed to complete his education. We enrolled him in an alternative program. If he ever is truly remourseful and Interestdd in improving we will know. It's not yet. I guarantee that if we took him back now. He would screw up school for sure.
Mine Difficult Child isn't evening feaning remourse. He is still angry and demanding and accusing us of his situation being all our fault. He has done nothing wrong and if he has it was our fault. Not going to work this time.
I agree about the disconnect. My son negates to realize he should be done school. He is the one who failed to complete his education. We enrolled him in an alternative program. If he ever is truly remourseful and Interestdd in improving we will know. It's not yet. I guarantee that if we took him back now. He would screw up school for sure.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I think so too, LBL. I think you would also lose a lot of authority.
Now quit thinkin' about that kid and go enjoy your book on the deck
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Yes and booked to see her on the 26th.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Lbl. I think you are doing great at a hard hard thing. I am not excusing him. But he is young. This makes it hard on you.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
He can take his booty to the police station and cry to them about being hungry and having nowhere to stay. They will be happy to drive him to the nearest shelter.