Son is out.

[Copabanana]

So hard. You are very brave. I admire you. Xoxo

 

[Littleboylost]

I am a train wreck but bringing him home will change nothing.

 

[wisernow]

Hi there...have you offered up any rehab treatment for him? Homewood in Guelph has a great program. Don't know if you have insurance or not as without it can be a long waiting list. Just a thought. If he really wants to change he would jump at this opportunity. Stay strong and as the others have said be kind to yourselves....you have done everything and yes are still sane....lol. Sometimes when I reflect where we were with our Difficult Child it looks like a slow moving train wreck which did finally stop. However I am still impacted by it and seeing a therapist as I struggle to move on in my new life and the new relationship I have with son. I often catch myself thinking how did it all go so horribly wrong when all we had as parents were the very best intentions. But as my daughter said "its a wild card"...you never know. all I know is I can only control my reaction to the drama, and not participate in it. That's were practicing detachment on a daily basis does really help. Hugs.

 

[Copabanana]

It could be argued that bringing him home makes it worse. I have come (to try) to see our situation concretely/spatially. I am helping build a house made of bricks. I can by my actions insist that my contribution will fund quality bricks or I can close my eyes to the building materials my son uses to build his life. The styrofoam bricks used among other things to anchor flower arrangements come to mind.

Oh yes. Those flower arrangements smell pretty and do delight. But will they hold up a house, a life?

We as parents have a job to do for the rest of our lives (and afterward I believe just in a different way.) I try to see my actions and decisions and attitudes with respect to my child as those bricks. I can go the cheaper and easier way, or not. There are so many times I indulge him and in doing so enable him to take short cuts. In the moment it feels like love, fear and pain. But if I permit myself to go with those fake bricks, does this help?

Really. Are sryrofoam bricks really an option for you? Part of the agony I believe comes from our battering ourselves that all options are on the table. Even styrofoam bricks. When we know better.

That we could save him.

Really? With a styrofoam brick?

The only one who can add a real brick to the structure of his life is him. If we rush in a pretty and faux brick we contribute to the instability of the house not it's strength and durability.

I write this to remind us that so many of the options we feel we might have are non-options given the REAL situations our sons have put themselves. They are the only ones who can see their lives with clarity and begin to make the choice to build a better house.

I know how hard this is. But at this point it is simpler because it is clearer. He is building the house he needs to live in (with any kids he might have) for his whole life. You are supporting him to utilize real and solid bricks so his house is not a ruin. That's it. You will not buy styrofoam bricks for his house. Would you?

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi there...have you offered up any rehab treatment for him? Homewood in Guelph has a great program. Don't know if you have insurance or not as without it can be a long waiting list. Just a thought. If he really wants to change he would jump at this opportunity. Stay strong and as the others have said be kind to yourselves....you have done everything and yes are still sane....lol. Sometimes when I reflect where we were with our Difficult Child it looks like a slow moving train wreck which did finally stop. However I am still impacted by it and seeing a therapist as I struggle to move on in my new life and the new relationship I have with son. I often catch myself thinking how did it all go so horribly wrong when all we had as parents were the very best intentions. But as my daughter said "its a wild card"...you never know. all I know is I can only control my reaction to the drama, and not participate in it. That's were practicing detachment on a daily basis does really help. Hugs.

Thanks wiser, he absolutely refuses any rehab. He does not think he has an issue as he says "I control the drugs they don't control me". We are in the throws of gaslighting, anger and blame at the moment. Hanging in there though.

 

[Littleboylost]

Thanks for all the support it helps keep us strong!

 

[Littleboylost]

It could be argued that bringing him home makes it worse. I have come (to try) to see our situation concretely/spatially. I am helping build a house made of bricks. I can by my actions insist that my contribution will fund quality bricks or I can close my eyes to the building materials my son uses to build his life. The styrofoam bricks used among other things to anchor flower arrangements come to mind.

Oh yes. Those flower arrangements smell pretty and do delight. But will they hold up a house, a life?

We as parents have a job to do for the rest of our lives (and afterward I believe just in a different way.) I try to see my actions and decisions and attitudes with respect to my child as those bricks. I can go the cheaper and easier way, or not. There are so many times I indulge him and in doing so enable him to take short cuts. In the moment it feels like love, fear and pain. But if I permit myself to go with those fake bricks, does this help?

Really. Are sryrofoam bricks really an option for you? Part of the agony I believe comes from our battering ourselves that all options are on the table. Even styrofoam bricks. When we know better.

That we could save him.

Really? With a styrofoam brick?

The only one who can add a real brick to the structure of his life is him. If we rush in a pretty and faux brick we contribute to the instability of the house not it's strength and durability.

I write this to remind us that so many of the options we feel we might have are non-options given the REAL situations our sons have put themselves. They are the only ones who can see their lives with clarity and begin to make the choice to build a better house.

I know how hard this is. But at this point it is simpler because it is clearer. He is building the house he needs to live in (with any kids he might have) for his whole life. You are supporting him to utilize real and solid bricks so his house is not a ruin. That's it. You will not buy styrofoam bricks for his house. Would you?

No styrofoam bricks! Well said!!

 

[Littleboylost]

Update AC with CD in a rage asking for "his car" his Sh--- and some F---- money. No money no car please feel free to collect your possessions. Raged at me for providing a list of social resources, for food and shelter. Lost his job all my fault! Everything is our fault he did nothing wrong. Just because he talked about getting some weed and other drugs doesn't mean anything.

Sadly I think he believes his own lies. I am shaken to core and am visiting the forum for strength and I found it! Thank all of you.

My biggest hurdle is that he is so young. 18 in October. But we have been going at this hard since he was 15 and it's only gotten worse.

He is not going to change unless we change our approach. Hanging in there. He is coming to get his belongings tonight. He is choosing to couch surf and remain homeless. His choice.

 

[RN0441]

Well when my son left sober living and did drugs and before he totaled the car his Program Directed sent me a text that said "let him self destruct".

UGH. Stomach churn.

He did self destruct and could have died either in car accident (we just got he pics. Tears for me) or in the hotel room.

I couldn't stop it.

 

[Copabanana]

The thing is: Even if we get strong and make better choices it supports the possibility of their changing. Only that. This forum is full of adult children who chose to live lives on the edge including my own son. Many of those parents are models of detachment. It mattered not at all in the choices of their kids, mainly sons.

Why am I writing this mean thing? Because I (we) have to get it through my head that my son's stability and safety and productivity have nothing to do with what I choose. I just need to get out of his way. And make my life about me.

The deep sorrow and longing I feel are not about him. (I do miss him). But there are all kinds of actions I can take to better my life. Which is the only arena where I can effectively and meaningfully address my needs and my feelings. The court I must play in is my own.

 

[Littleboylost]

So I wrote a letter to my son ....should I give it to him? With his belongings?? It basically outlines what lead to us parting ways. Also says we love him and encourage him to get help.
son declined to come home asked me to pack his things and drop them off to him. No problem most of what he wants are in the dirty laundry hamper in his room. Rule if you want laundry washed take it to the laundry room. He didn't do that so it didn't get done. I am about to head out with his belongings. Gut is flipping I have had major outbursts of tears all day long. He had been angry mad rude gaslighting. I have not responded. Only to his request for his belongings. He also demanded F--- money and that is a no I will buy him a food card of low value so he does not trade meals for cigs or booze or drugs. He was furious that I sent him a link to the local food bank and emergency social service housing. He refuses to go because they have rules too and although he isn't on drugs....won't be able to use there. It's been another tough day.

 

[Copabanana]

I would not give him the letter. It would be engaging with hm, muddying the waters and giving him leverage over you and a club to beat you (more.)

Everything in the letter he knows. You have told him, pleaded, begged to no avail. The letter is for you. To record your journey and how you got to this place. He is ignoring you.. Not one thing you say does he hear.

He will write his own letter someday. On the story of his life he writes by his choices.

Honestly. I fear you going to meet him to drop off his stuff. I wish somebody else could go.

 

[recoveringenabler]

LBL, how did it go tonight when you brought your son his stuff? How are you?

 

[Littleboylost]

Update
Son decided not to come home to pick up his belongings. Sent me a list of what he wanted. Clothes he wanted were in his dirty laundry, that he never took to the laundry room. My husband packed the items up and I drove them to him.

We live in a really nice town. There is probably one really really bad spot where all the drug busts occur ....and guess where he is staying! Surprised no disappointed yes.

I did leave the letter in his bag. It is just a reflection of how I feel. I know it's engaging but I could not help myself.

He didn't look at me hardly spoke to me grabbed his stuff and went back in to the unit he came out of.

Perhaps I know why he was begging to come home.

He raged at me today frequently in texts. Angry angry angry. Still thinks he calls the shots. He is not ready to face his demons. Not by a long shot. I am sitting in my car numb I can't even move to go in the house.

How he wants to choose this life is so beyond me. It breaks me in two.
My brain is like a ping pong ball....did I make him loose his job, will he be ok, how will he get to court, will he get to his bail meetings, have I fed him to the wolves.....maybe I am a bad mother....was he really that bad....he is so young.....Ugh....I need to make it stop!

I remind myself that he stole my pain medication from me after I had surgery not giving a crap that he left me with nothing for my pain, that I have woke to him in my bedroom with his hands in my purse only to lie about what he was doing, how he told me I should have aborted him because I was such a F----up as a mother, how he man handled me and barricaded me in his bedroom....refused to help do almost anything to contribute to the household.....and ODd by accident the day after my mother died, how he was feeling too low to go to family couseling that he promised to start attending again but partied all night bringing my car back wreaking of pot and bringing pot into my home ...again, bringing drug dealers to my house! Still the pit of my stomach is at the back of my teeth.

Earlier we asked him what he would like to do for a family vacation this summer, as we decided we needed to bond and heal as a family. He has refused family vacation since he was 15 refusing to go anywhere with us. He chose a cottage. We were all supposed to be leaving on Saturday. Husband and I are going. We offered for son to still join us (truth be told we knew he would say no). We will recharge our batteries in peace and quiet. We have a friend looking in on our home while we are away. I don't put it past him to try and break in.

Numb but not so comfortably.....numb. This will be another sleepless night.

 

[Littleboylost]

I would not give him the letter. It would be engaging with hm, muddying the waters and giving him leverage over you and a club to beat you (more,)

Everything in the letter he knows. You have told him, pleaded, begged to no avail. The letter is for you. To record your journey and how you got to this place. He is ignoring you.. Not one thing you say does he hear.

He will write his own letter someday. On the story of his life he writes by his choices..

Honestly. I fear you going to meet him to drop off his stuff. I wish somebody else could go.

would not give him the letter. It would be engaging with hm, muddying the waters and giving him leverage over you and a club to beat you (more,)

I did put the letter in his bag Copa....I know your right....I just couldn't help myself.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Numb but not so comfortably.....numb.

That sounds like a Pink Floyd reference......

Oh Boy LBL, you're in the thick of it......and it doesn't feel good, I know. In fact it just downright sucks.....you've walked into the great unknown, there's no control, no map.....only uncertainty. There is nothing more you can do. You've done it all already. Ok, so now it's about you. This is where you drag your toolbox out......all of those things you know will support you while you are in the throes of this struggle. Use them. Do not ruminate and worry without utilizing your tool box. Take a hot bath. Deep breathe. Listen to soft music or go on YOUTUBE and find a guided meditation for worry, fear, anxiety or whatever the main feeling is. Meditate. Read. Have warm milk. Interrupt the worry thoughts in some manner.....and continue doing it until you fall asleep. All of your worrying will not shift anything, but it will surely steal these moments from you.

Use all of your tools. Hang in there. You're not alone.....and.....this too shall pass.....

 

[RN0441]

LBL

Facing this demon is the most horrifying and heartbreaking thing I've ever endured.

I did not sleep well last night either after seeing pictures of my son's car. He truly must have nine lives.

I numbed myself with wine last night and went to bed early and woke up in the middle of the night unable to shut it all down.

I have so many tools too but sometimes I forget how they work.

I am going to try to enjoy my weekend and you should enjoy your trip to the lake LBL! Maybe unplug from everyone for a while.

 

[Copabanana]

Lbl. This is one moment in his life. Every single second he can choose differently, just as you are by self-care and self-responsibility.

I am glad you sent the letter, in retrospect. It was a love letter. He knows it. He may take it out every little bit when he misses you.

Actually I think part of the problem of our boys is their deep love for us which is incompatible with manhood they fear until they learn how to really grow up. If you think about it this is similar to our own task which is to learn how to step back and to step into the center of our own lives and recovering enabler has laid out the first phase.

You are doing all the right things. So good to get away. A lake cottage sounds dreamy. If you have not read the book The Nightingale I recommend it.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

You are doing great. All of the stages you are going through are normal. You are in a cycle of abuse with your son. You can also Google something called the Karpman Drama Triangle, I found it very useful in understanding the dysfunctional/abusive relationships I have had in my life and helped me see what I needed to do to change it, to break the cycle.

I understand what it is to have a child who is too young to be independent, forcing the issue with his behavior. Of course in my case we do not have residential custody of Difficult Stepson. So it isn't really the same, but I too marvel at how "grown" my 17 year old stepson thinks he is. He will learn the hard way as will your child. We have tried to provide an easier, gentler, simpler way. Our children refused that road, so now as Copa said, we need to get out of the way and let them learn.

Enjoy your vacation. Nobody deserves it more than you and your husband.

 

[Littleboylost]

Thank you all for your support and wisdom. I have been struggling through a day of work and balling my eyes out on the way home. The boy has gone silent ....he got what he needed, his stuff and some food cards....I am always afraid he will trade the food cards for cigarettes or cash. Oh well what can you do.
I could not agree more the deep dark unknown. Mind runs a million miles a minute. I feel like a failure and feel I am judged. But my mantra to all of the negativity is we did not raise him this way and we don't live the way he is choosing to live.

The part that stick in my throat is all of the lies he tells to gain people's sympathy. He has rolled through most of his friends and is now reliant on his drug culture friends for support.

Hubby has several offers on his car, I can't wait to see the back of it. Something that should have had happiness attached is now tarnished and brings nothing but headache when I look at it.

I want to lie in bed and cry, but I am forcing myself out with friends tonight and off to the Cottage tomorrow. I need to unplug and relax and have it be about me and husband for a change.

Copa I have not read the Nightengale but I intent to put it on my e reader right now.

Culturana
I am looking into the Karpman Drama Triange and will think deeply about wher this goes.

I am posting in the site to avoid the urge to text my son. I did let him keep his phone and I am paying for the phone plan for now.

Deep breath in, feels better I could not do that when I started this post.

RN what can I say our boys are like twins separated by 4 years and genetics...well maybe not so much the genetics. I am so glad your son was not injured worse than he was, so grateful that he did not injure anyone else. The car was a reward and a gift of love. You may think he has 9 lives but I think it was your angel stepping in to teach him and protect you. I am pretty science minded and don't go in for a whole lot of religion, or other realms, that's just me, but I do believe there is a power greater than us beyond is and around is. Who knows how it all works. But I like to think angels are involved.

If I unplug and don't respond .....I am taking pause to heal and regroup. Thank you all again.