Son/ marriage problems/ resentment

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, May 18, 2020.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Those who follow all my posts know of all the struggles with my 17 teen year old son.Juvenile detention is still looking somewhere to place him because he can’t live with me or his father, but that is where the problem begin, I feel in my gut/ heart he really wants to change, i know him & his dad problems are way to bad to mend their relationship, well at least now at this point in his life so he cannot go there.I talked to my husband today, I told him , I want to give my son a chance here at home, I feel he can do better here, he hasn’t lived here since he was 12 & I feel like I just need to give him this chance to really know and know at least I tried, but my husband (his stepdad) refuses , says he will say anything to get out , and flat out refuses, I told him I feel like I’m choosing him over my son, I told him I will resent him if he can’t come back home. He said that he thinking of all of us as a whole. But I feel like I need to give my son the chance. I told him maybe he can live here till I find a residential program for him but still he says No. I’m mad ! I want to just say then I’ll divorce you , but I can’t do that to my two young boys. I love my husband but why should he be making this decision , I just needed to vent, I want to scream & cry!
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are in a difficult place. I know you love your son and your husband. He is probably wanting to keep you and the younger kids safe. But it's putting you in a hard, painful place.

    Would it be possible to speak to a professional? After reading the incidents you've shared here, I don't think your husband is being unreasonable, but you need to feel heard, too.

    I hope you can find a way to have boundaries and a plan to have healthy contact with your son. Our mom heart breaks when there are no good answers. Ksm
     
  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I'm sorry for your heartache. I can understand you feel "in-the-middle" of this. I don't have the answers necessarily for you except to say maybe wait this out a bit more. Sometimes the answers come while we are waiting. It's not your responsibility to come flying in with your "red cape" on. Maybe just maybe your son's answers lie with having a fresh start somewhere else but still being a part of your life. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

    Often times even if our Difficult Child seem like they're ready for change, if we take them in and do as mother's do, coddle and shield them from the consequences of their own actions, he may not have a chance. We mean well but for myself I know I have been crippling to Difficult Child with my enabling and that habit, I'm afraid is ingrained in me and takes constant effort and for thought in every action I take. I'm lead by my feelings most often which are usually not stable and make me weak. Let your emotions subside and then decide.

    Sending prayers.
     
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think your husband is trying to protect you. I don't know if you have younger children at home, but it wouldn't be helpful for them if he was back home. I'm sorry for your sadness. You'll be on my prayer list.
     
  5. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Yes, I have 2 small boys 8 & 4 yrs old and my 20 year old daughter .My son told me he feels so sad knowing all his siblings can live here with me but not him, I’m sure it hurts him so much.Im sure him not being able to live with me adds to his anger& being emotionally unstable.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Helpless

    This is so hard. My current husband of 28 years is the father of my once difficult son but also a stepfather to my older son who is now 33. I always felt like my husband did not love him as his own and also my husband is not a soft and deep feeling person (was not raised like that but no excuses here). He is a great provider and always puts his family first and I have come to see that he truly does love my older son (who was always a good boy/no problems). I sometimes resented my husband but blended families are VERY difficult.

    Don't put your husband on one end and YOUR son on the other. That will not end well. I agree that your husband is trying to protect the family as a whole and although you know your son's heart and that he probably doesn't want to "be this way" (I did that with youngest Difficult Child too) from what you have posted here, he does not seem ready to change and be a part of your family. He will put you in a horrible position I fear.

    You cannot rush the learning process of what your son is going through DUE TO HIS OWN ACTIONS. Remember that. Your son is young but he knows right from wrong. HE KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG. Like my son once did, he is choosing wrong again and again - and this is only what I have seen here. I do not know your family obviously. He is playing on your guilt.

    I agree that this is TOO MUCH for you to handle on your own. You are too close to it and too emotional. I agree that you and husband should see someone that specializes in addiction to come to an agreement that you both can be happy with. I would NOT even attempt to try this on my own.

    I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I am thinking of your troubled son also. I know that when we let our emotions rule it does not help them.
     
  7. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    HL29,

    I agree with the others in that your husband is protecting you and the younger kids. I let my son come into the home several times and he chose bad behavior over and over. As my younger girls grew up, they resented me for not protecting them from his choices. We have all healed from it, but it took years for them to see that I loved them too. They had depression and anxiety because their needs were not being met. Your son will be ok. He is grown and I fear you taking him in erases consequences. It will be hard, but this is a good opportunity to teach him to make a way for himself. If you step in, you tell him it's ok to get into trouble because you will bail him out, in spite of the personal cost to you, your husband and your other children. He made those choices and if the consequences are great enough, he might choose to do better. I am praying for your son, you and your family.

    Hugs,
    JMOM