There is another piece of this that is key and something it took me a long time to understand.
Feelings aren't facts. (Sit with this for a while and think about it.) As a creative person, I have been all about feelings all my life. I didn't like this idea at all at first, and I instantly dismissed it. I have done that over the years with multiple ideas in my recovery. I will instantly dismiss something I don't like or doesn't make sense or I can't imagine doing and later on, I will come back around and see the wisdom and truth and start working to see what there is for me here.
Unpacking this idea that feelings aren't facts, here is what I have learned about this idea over time: Our feelings are our feelings, and we need to recognize them, feel them, not try to change them, work through them. They are real. They are true. They are important. If we don't feel our feelings, and push them down and try to ignore them, we will build up anxiety and resentment and depression and anger and all kinds of emotions that will later hurt us and other people.
So we must own our feelings. That is a good thing.
Having said all of that, our feelings don't always tie to and reflect reality. We feel that our precious child needs us so we respond. Wait a minute. This is not a three-year-old child. This is a grown man or grown woman. They need us? They are an adult. What about that? What does that mean? Taking responsibility for ourselves. That is what an adult is. But they are sick, right? They can't do that. Well, they are, but they are still responsible for their actions....on and on with this, as you see....
So back to the feelings aren't facts. What to do? First and foremost, feel our feelings. Cry, deal with our anger, sit with it, write about it, talk to a friend about it, let it flow through us. Deal with it. Don't try to ignore it or argue it away. Our feelings are real.
But here is the rub: Don't act on feelings. Let them pass. Come back to center before acting. This takes time. Sometimes a half day or a day or a few days or a week. You are entitled to that time and you must create that time.
We have to find ways to create that time, space, distance. This takes an intentional act---not answering the phone, having a list of things we will say if/when we do answer the phone, using the list (I know that sounds remedial but this is tough stuff folks), limiting our time with difficult child, etc. We have to assert some control instead of just being at their beck and call.
When we are in the midst of "feeling" about our precious difficult children---this is where we don't know what to do with all of this, it hurts so badly and we are so scared and after all, this is OUR CHILD---that is when we act, and often, that is our mistake---for us and for them.
If we can gain some space and time and distance---we can break this cycle.
Why do we want to do this? First to help ourselves. What we are doing isn't working. We see that, we lament it, we anguish over it. NOTHING we have tried works. It's awful. So....we are now sick and tired, so sick and tired, and we are ready to try something new and different. This is something good to try. It's very hard. It's very very hard. And at first we might fumble the ball a lot trying to learn to do this, but over time, if we keep on, we will get better and better and better. And we will start to feel a lot better. That is a good thing.
And also---if we can break the "instant response" cycle, we can maybe help difficult child. Maybe. There is no guarantee. Some difficult children really respond to our detachment---this is part of detachment what we are talking about here---but some do not. My son has not. But I am still practicing this and working on it because it is a pathway to peace for me. And today, my peace and my serenity and my happiness are paramount to me. I am just as important as he is. I am. And I am working to claim that truth today.
